Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date my best friend's ex

110 replies

Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 16:22

That, really. I know it's 'girl code' but are there ever any exceptions?

My friend (let's call her Helen) is happy with her DH & 4 year old DD. Before meeting her DH, she dated 'Bob' (not real name) 8 years previously for 5 months. Bob ended it. Nothing serious, just not compatible (she's quite highly strung) but they stayed friends ever since.

Bob and I then met at a party Helen had.

Bob & I had an instant connection.

Helen noticed, and told me I'm not allowed to date Bob as it's against girl code. Bit weird, I thought, as she's happily married and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. But sure.

Bob and I had already swapped numbers, and he called me. We spoke about Helen and agreed not to date as to not upset her. One phone call turned into several, then coffee, then dates, and 6 months later we're falling in love.

I told Helen we needed to speak about something important and she agreed to meet - I told her Bob & I were dating.

She got hysterical. Crying, shouting, I'm Satan. Worse than Satan. I'm evil. The worst person in the world. She hasn't spoken to me since.

For the full story, this happened 11 years ago. Bob and I are still together, happily married and he's honestly my soulmate. But Helen never spoke to me again.

Her FB profile came up as a suggested friend and it took me right back to the drama, I still miss her.

Is it always wrong to date a friend's ex? Was I unreasonable, or was she?

OP posts:
PotatoesDieInHotCars · 15/12/2018 16:43

I think the lying and sneaking around behind her back for 6 months is what did the damage tbh. If it was such a deal breaker for her then you should have ended the friendship first instead of colluding for half a year with the man who dumped her.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2018 16:43

I was happily married, but I still asked her not to do it. I just didn't want my ex in my life in any way. I knew that of he was with my friend he I would have to see him
Sorry but its just so selfish. (unless he was abusive in which case you should also be concerned about him abusing her)
You're happy and moved on but she can only be happy if it's with someone you approve of. No matter that in Op's case it turned out to be true love. That doesn't matter. Happiness is only really happy if the ex's /supposed best friends are happy too.

OP you weren't unreasonable. I'd possibly send her a message, saying she popped up on recommended friends and you hope she's well. Then assume she won't reply.

You did nothing wrong except you shouldn't have promised to sacrifice your own chance of happiness for her selfish needs.

I don't want my toy but I'd rather you were sad forever that let you play with it!!

Shepherdspieisminging · 15/12/2018 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suziepoozie · 15/12/2018 16:47

Girl code about exes in my mind is for recently ended relationships or particularly serious ones. - if my mate dated my ex boyfriend of five years two weeks after we split - not on. Ex boyfriend of five months EIGHT YEARS LATER - he’s most likely a totally different person. Glad you followed your heart and you’re still in a very happy relationship.

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 16:48

I've been married for 30 years to my ex-husband and father of my oldests best friend. They're still best friends. He was a groomsman at our wedding.

Though in full disclosure ex and I were never in love with each other. We got married back in the days of you get pregnant, you get married because a child needs a mother and a father bullshit and had our marriage annulled a few months later so probably not the same situation.

Whoopsies · 15/12/2018 16:49

We had similar here. DH's best friend started pursuing his ex gf, dh originally turned around and asked him not to, but only because his mate was a very well known womanizer and he thought he was only after one thing and didn't want to see his ex get hurt. We heard nothing more about it for 6 months when his mate turned up and admitted they were now together and he had fallen in love with her. Dh was annoyed about the lying but realised his mate genuinely meant it so was happy for them. The 4 of us have now formed a great relationship and we went to their wedding and see them and their children regularly. It's nice to see them both happy!

Shootingstar20 · 15/12/2018 16:50

I would kind of understand if Helen had been with Bob long term instead of five months, but you’re not being unreasonable, congratulations on 11 years!

category12 · 15/12/2018 16:50

You did lie and say you wouldn't date him and then totally dated him, and told her 6 months later. Hmm

We spoke about Helen and agreed not to date as to not upset her. One phone call turned into several, then coffee, then dates, and 6 months later we're falling in love.

You should have said at the time you weren't going to let it stop you, rather than rules-lawyering out of it as though dating happened by accident.

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 16:51

*father of my oldest child, not oldest best friend. Now THAT would be breaking some sort of friendship code.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 16:51

She was jealous because he dumped her. She saw herself as superior to you. Him choosing you challenged that view, which was unacceptable, so you had to go.

Wheresthebeach · 15/12/2018 16:54

She sounds bonkers. Leave well enough alone.

LokiBear · 15/12/2018 16:55

My best friend married a guy I casually dated before. She asked for my blessing after reconnecting with him on a night and I laughed at her. She didnt need my blessing! I was bridesmaid at their wedding. Im auntie to their kids. I had 0 connection with her DH which was why we didntbladt beyond a few months. She did and they are happy. That makes me happy!

corkandwood · 15/12/2018 16:57

She was controllling and unreasonable. A brief romance eight years ago, and she thinks she can control her friends for that? No, No, No.

I am glad you are so happily married and ignored her madness.

brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 16:57

She was pretty unreasonable yes, it's not like he was her ex husband or a long standing partner. I wouldn't bother trying to rekindle your friendship though.

Ilikeknitting · 15/12/2018 16:58

Your ‘friend’ called you “Satan” and you think you have to be loyal in any way to her? Carry on enjoying life with your new fella, leave your sad friend to stew in her own juices.

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:01

@Ilikeknitting yes. And then she got her mum to phone me and tell me what an awful person I was.

Bob, however, after my talk with Helen, received a text that said she didn't blame him.

OP posts:
Veganfortheanimals · 15/12/2018 17:01

What a silly cow..you are well rid of her..don't let her back in your life,to stir up trouble for you Both

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/12/2018 17:01

@knittedjest
I am really confused.
You are married to your exhusband. Who is the father of your eldest child’s best friend.
And who was groomsman at your wedding? Your first or your 2nd?

corkandwood · 15/12/2018 17:01

Not buying the arguments by some that friend was angry because you lied and 'secretly' dated Bob.

If you had told her at the time that you would date Bob anyway, she'd clearly have freaked anyway.

If someone lays down such a controlling and unreasonable demand, it is perfectly okay to ignore it, even if they have tried to manipulate you into agreeing to it at the time.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2018 17:02

She got hysterical. Crying, shouting, I'm Satan. Worse than Satan. I'm evil. The worst person in the world.

That sounds like she had mental health issues

It's really not a normal reaction and who calls people 'Satan' anyway?

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/12/2018 17:03

I think your friendship with Helen was just extended by 6 months OP.
Even if you had told her at the beginning you were interested in her long distant ex; you would still have been “Satan” to her. Bob had a lucky escape.

SwimmingKaren · 15/12/2018 17:04

She specifically asked you not to date him which indicated she was still a bit wrapped up in him married or not and you went behind her back and lied about it for months so I can see why she’s unhappy. Obviously you guys are happy together now and things worked out for you though. You chose him over her and that’s the way things go sometimes.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 15/12/2018 17:07

I'm guessing she was more into Bob then he was into her hence her meltdown. It's all about her insecurities, she is happily married but begrudged you even a date with a long ago ex of 5 months.

She is loopy.

Original poster
Dodgepodge · 15/12/2018 17:08

@corkandwood thanks for your post -

That's why I took 6 months to tell her, I was frightened of her reaction, I didn't want to upset her for 'nothing' if Bob & I fizzled out. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time! It was just this connection we had (and luckily still have.)

I should have mentioned I completely adored her 4 year old DD and I didn't want to lose that relationship either.

OP posts:
corkandwood · 15/12/2018 17:09

SwimmingKaren, OP did not choose 'him over her'. That is ridiculous.

The friend chose to cut OP out. No normal friend would demand their mate gave up their chance of a happy relationship, expecially not for someone they had a short term thing with almost a decade ago.

OP did not choose him over her. She asserted her normal human right to exercise agency over her own life, and not submit to another's mad dictates.