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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude? Facebook related

138 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 14:39

I am not on Facebook and do not really like it for various reasons. I have previously told friend that I don't like it many times and that I would not want pictures of my children on there as I personally feel it's not right to put their pictures online and give them an online presence without their permission, it just seems disrespectful and I may inadvertently post something that embarrasses them in years to come. Also there are people (including mutual friends of this friend) who I avoid and would not want them to have access to pictures of my children purely because I don't want them to know anything about me or my life.

Everyone can do what they want with their own kids pictures, this is just my preference. I don't go on about it, but my feelings are known.

Last week friend came over with her kids for a pre Xmas get together, kids swapped presents, music, food etc. My friend had forgotten her camera so after I emailed her some of the pictures for her own record.

This morning while having coffee with another friend she commented that it looked like we had fun last week, and you've guessed it, she had put all the photos I sent her on Facebook including ones of my children, some just of my children and lots showing inside my house etc.

I'm more annoyed than anything as she knows my feelings and we have discussed it plenty of times. But I don't want to come across as controlling and silly... However having pictures showing my kids and house online makes me feel exposed I suppose and like my privacy has been invaded.

I know in a world where people post everything from their lunch to their toilet habits makes me the oddball here, but surely I have a right to my own choices? Somehow it adds insult to injury that they were pictures I took and sent her...

So AIBU to be annoyed?
Would you say anything? If so what?

OP posts:
Imalittleelf · 15/12/2018 22:47

I have a private page setup with only particular family and friends where I post photos.

I have put odd ones on my own profile but mainly the back of head etc. I have expressly asked that no one posts photos unless to the secret private group.

You are no BU and your so called friend is appalling for doing this to you. They are your children and therefore you say where their photos can or can not be used. This breaches data protection as she has not got parental authority to use those photos.

You need to find out if she has posted those photos pubically or if her page is locked down. Simple way is to create an account. Doesn't even need to be your actual name, search for her and then look at the profile. That will be what any every old Joe can see, so people that aren't even her friend. If you can't see the photos at least they are not in the main public domain. However she probably has it set to friends of friends. So it kind like 2 degrees of separation, her friends friends can see the photos.

7yo7yo · 15/12/2018 23:00

She’s actually not a nice person and no friend if she can’t respect your views and id tell her that.
Nasty cow.

StressedToTheMaxx · 15/12/2018 23:00

I love my bestfriend like a sister and her dd is just like my niece. My bestfriend took so long to conceive her and she is a little miracle. My 2 dc love them both, but like you my friend is not a fan of social media so I have never posted a photo of her dd.
Her dd her rules.
I love them. I am prod of them and mostly I respect them.
That should be your friends stance too

MumMumMum1 · 15/12/2018 23:03

YANBU. I would never ever put photos of someone else’s child on social media. Even if my child was in the photo... because just no. Adults know better.

Maelstrop · 15/12/2018 23:06

I think time to get arsey, OP. She's done this behind your back and that's sneaky and rude. I'd reiterate that you want the photos removed and as many as possible of the others. Remind her that it is your choice as the parent to have no pictures of your children online, not hers and use the word disappointed a lot, especially when you say that you thought your friendship meant more to her than posting photos of your DC online when you have expressly said you don't want that happening. My cousin had to be quite brutal with her sil who kept putting up pics of their similar aged DC.

mummabubs · 15/12/2018 23:18

Oh OP I'd be livid. It's one thing for her to accidentally forget about your values and then apologise and take the photos down but she's not acting like the caring friend you felt she was. I have a very low-level Facebook activity (have a profile but rarely go on it to be honest and never post pictures of my DS for the same reason as you). My MiL is a prolific poster and sharer, she posted one pic of DS after we'd asked her not to when he was very little. As soon as she realised she deleted the picture and messaged me to apologise saying she felt mortified that she'd forgotten how we felt about it. Your friend hasn't shown you respect over the last eight years and sadly isn't now. If you want to save and continue the friendship maybe insist on no photos being taken at future meet ups as you can't trust her to keep them to herself?

Storminateacup1 · 15/12/2018 23:18

I’d be joining FB, adding her as a friend, and reporting the photos to FB as they are yours and she doesn’t have permission to post them.
Then I’d be promptly binning her for being an unapologetic bitch.

Nobody has a right to post pictures of you and your DC without your permission.
I had to ask my own mother to stop sharing photos of DS as I don’t know what weirdos lurk on her friends list.

thickgit · 16/12/2018 02:32

Really out of order!

Lizadork · 16/12/2018 09:20

I think I would suddenly start up a Facebook account and add "friend", this will act as a deterrent for further photo posting especially if you want to keep her in your life. You can use fake names on Facebook and you don't have to post any photos of yourself etc.

Lizadork · 16/12/2018 09:21

Also means you can look through precisely what she has posted. She said she had only posted a few precious memories over eight years but that she wouldn't go through eight years of photos - suggests it's more than a "few".

bastardkitty · 16/12/2018 09:26

Her responses are disgusting! You are the owner of the photos and she has shared them without your consent. You can join FB (I know) and report the photos and have them removed. But I think, in any case, her responses are the end of the friendship because she has no respect.

Pfingstrose · 16/12/2018 09:33

I think you are going to have to approach this from the other direction and prevent her from taking photos of your children at all in future.

eddielizzard · 16/12/2018 09:35

I think it's lack of respect for your point of view. She knew how you felt and thought fuck you, I'm going to do it anyway and you'll never know.

I would ask her to take them down because it is a point of principle.

JustJoinedRightNow · 16/12/2018 09:41

You could reply something along the lines of “it’s such a shame that you have been consistently and secretly not respecting my wishes. I had hoped for a long and happy friendship but I can see that it’s been one sided the whole time. I wish you well in the future, but unfortunately I need to tell you that we no longer will be meeting again because I can’t trust you not to include me in “your story”

Leave it at that. End of friendship and it’s not your fault.

MrFMercury · 16/12/2018 09:42

Ask her how you're meant to trust her from now on. If you do meet up again and she wants to take a photo of the kids all you'll be thinking is whether she's planning on sharing that on SM. She's proved a couple of times now she has no regard for the choices you make for yourself and your children. When someone shows you what they really think of you pay attention. Giving people like her second chances just leads to more stress in my experience Confused

Darkautumn · 16/12/2018 09:46

OP listen carefully.

She is NOT your friend. Friends don't treat each other like this.
Where's her respect for your feelings? She hasn't apologised, she hasn't reassured you that she wants to repair the hurt feelings in the interests of maintaining the "friendship."
Her messages are cocky, dismissive, and very very sly...insinuating that you're overreacting, that you aren't proud of your family?!
"Everyone " does not have FB and I literally know many people who wouldn't post pictures of their kids online, let alone other people's without permission.

You seriously need to get away from this person, she's not a friend.

bastardkitty · 16/12/2018 09:47

I agree about the sly comment - there's a real implied dig at you in her shitty responses.

Moominfan · 16/12/2018 09:50

I think some people don't give any thought to sharing on fb. I imagine they're in this category.

MarthasGinYard · 16/12/2018 09:51

Yanbu

Another idiot who can't do anything without having to post pics

'Precious moments' my arse

Everything's 'precious' enough to be posted by over sharers like this.

Her reply is rude.

LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset · 16/12/2018 13:29

YANBU - be more assertive please OP.

TBF she doesn't sound that bright generally and her assuming everyone is still on or has Facebook highlights that. I'd make your point then give her a swerve if she still doesn't get it.

SandAndSea · 16/12/2018 14:03

YADNBU.

Engorged · 16/12/2018 14:13

"I am furious. Not because i believe fb is evil but because i asked a very reasonable request of my friend who agreed then lied and did it anyway. Please remove the photos and don't worry about having to resist in the future as you won't get the opportunity to photo them again. "

Be assertive. She's a fucker quite frankly. A passive aggressive one.

busybarbara · 16/12/2018 14:20

You'd both be best rid of each other to be fair. Not even assigning blame, your worldviews are just too different. You are well within your rights to demand she take down the photos but she is also within her rights to think it's a bit ott and to not be impressed.

Valasca · 16/12/2018 14:28

Since when have people started to use “photo” as a verb?

You take a photo or make a photo or are photoed but to photo? No. Just type out photograph, ya lazy arse. Wink

SayNoToCarrots · 16/12/2018 14:30

Drop her. She is a dick.

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