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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude? Facebook related

138 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 14:39

I am not on Facebook and do not really like it for various reasons. I have previously told friend that I don't like it many times and that I would not want pictures of my children on there as I personally feel it's not right to put their pictures online and give them an online presence without their permission, it just seems disrespectful and I may inadvertently post something that embarrasses them in years to come. Also there are people (including mutual friends of this friend) who I avoid and would not want them to have access to pictures of my children purely because I don't want them to know anything about me or my life.

Everyone can do what they want with their own kids pictures, this is just my preference. I don't go on about it, but my feelings are known.

Last week friend came over with her kids for a pre Xmas get together, kids swapped presents, music, food etc. My friend had forgotten her camera so after I emailed her some of the pictures for her own record.

This morning while having coffee with another friend she commented that it looked like we had fun last week, and you've guessed it, she had put all the photos I sent her on Facebook including ones of my children, some just of my children and lots showing inside my house etc.

I'm more annoyed than anything as she knows my feelings and we have discussed it plenty of times. But I don't want to come across as controlling and silly... However having pictures showing my kids and house online makes me feel exposed I suppose and like my privacy has been invaded.

I know in a world where people post everything from their lunch to their toilet habits makes me the oddball here, but surely I have a right to my own choices? Somehow it adds insult to injury that they were pictures I took and sent her...

So AIBU to be annoyed?
Would you say anything? If so what?

OP posts:
Huggybear16 · 15/12/2018 17:35

She said "My FB, my rules" when you've discussed it before. In this case, it's your children, your rules. Or your house, your rules. Or your photos, your rules.

I deleted my FB page a few years ago for privacy reasons and wouldn't have a problem telling any of my friends to not post photos of me and my family. A good friend would just take the photos down without argument (or passive aggressive comment).

Graphista · 15/12/2018 17:43

Here's the interesting thing - not only is she rude and out of order ignoring your boundaries she's also acted illegally.

You took the pictures, you own the copyright. She needs your express permission to use them for anything except for her to look at!

I don't share your views on FB BUT I understand and respect them.

If I were you I'd send her a message saying "I was very clear I do NOT give consent to my pictures of my home & children being posted on FB. Please delete them from there immediately"

If she gives you ANY grief over the matter you can approach someone you know who does use FB to report them as photos of children which the parent didn't give permission to be posted. Usually FB will then delete them.

"why do you ask the ages of the children? Just wondering why it's relevant?" If they're over 18 can be difficult to get FB to act.

If they're still on there I'd let her know she's acting illegally and I may well seek legal action to get her to remove them. Not even kidding.

She's acted appallingly given she knows your views.

Why are you worried about offending her? She didn't give a shiny shit about your feelings! Just tell her.

"However I fully expect her to reply with a "my Facebook page, my choice/rules"" YOUR photos YOUR kids YOUR home!

She is NOT just thoughtless she is deliberately ignoring your boundaries - she has no right to do so.

Wow! That response is shit!

I'd respond:

It's perfectly easy NOT to post pics of my home and family. Please do not do this again and remove the ones you have immediately. I am proud of my family too but I have the right to set boundaries as I see fit.

This is not someone who responds well to any kind of vague, watery directions. She needs clear unambiguous instructions.

A genuinely nice person would have simply responded something like.

So sorry, totally forgot, have taken them down and won't do it again.

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 18:18

Oh god... This isn't going well and can't see a good outcome now. I just got this reply:

"Zoe, Facebook isn't evil and everyone has it and posts pictures of their kids and their mates. Since this has come up now... Ok don't be mad but I have posted pictures of beautiful memories with you and your kids over our eight year friendship. Not loads but prescious times I wanted to share. Before you get mad, think of this, nothing bad has happened and if -mutual friend- hadn't said anything today you would never known and it would never have effected your life. I will take down the pictures if you really want me too but I'm not going through eight years of pictures."

I'm really hurt actually more than mad, feels like she has been laughing at me the whole time.

OP posts:
Graphista · 15/12/2018 18:27

Bin her off as a friend. She doesn't give a shit about you or your family she's all about APPEARING to be a good friend rather than actually being one!

No FB is not evil - but some of those using it are!

And she has NO RIGHT to tell you what boundaries you have for you and your family.

Do you have a friend good at tech stuff? If so I would now be asking them to go through her FB and report all the photos with your kids in to FB, or you could join temporarily yourself (no need to put any info except the absolute min required) and do it yourself.

Or maybe an on the ball mner knows of a way you can contact FB and ask them to sort this for you - I'm afraid I don't know.

She's completely out of fucking order and is no friend.

xwhoiamx · 15/12/2018 18:37

Oh my days, what a shocking response! So rude and no respect for your feelings at all. Be mad. Be very mad.

Tell her she most certainly IS going through 8 years of pics if she values you as a friend at all! She has no right and as others have said, you own the copyright so what she's doing is technically illegal.

So sorry you're being treated like this OP X

Waffles80 · 15/12/2018 18:37

I would really struggle to maintain a friendship with a person who had no respect for my boundaries.

xwhoiamx · 15/12/2018 18:48

Also to note, your friend's response sounds a lot like the attitude my mum has to Facebook, she finds it hard not to be able to share pics of her grandson but the difference is my mum respects my wishes anyway and does not post behind my back! Because she's a decent person. Unlike your friend who puts her needs before your (much more important) ones.

Please show her this thread, op. She needs to know her 'opinion' that Facebook is safe is not shared by everyone. She clearly thinks it is you being weird, and it's really, really not.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 15/12/2018 18:54

What an utter bitch! Bin her.

Skipuation · 15/12/2018 18:55

Oh blimey! Shock

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 19:01

Op she’s not a friend. She’s a control freak who lacks basic respect for her friends boundaries and empathy. You don’t need someone like this in your life.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 15/12/2018 19:17

Tell her that you want the pictures removed and from now on not to share any at all or she isn't allowed to take or have pictures of your children at all. They're your children, your rules and no one has the right to post them online without your permission. My friend works for law enforcement (child protection and sex crime with the NCA) and childrens pictures can be easily photoshopped in sinister ways. He recommends not putting children's pictures anywhere public at all.

octoberbaby2010 · 15/12/2018 19:23

I have Facebook but don't have any photos of my little one on there, I'd be upset by this too, she isn't respecting your wishes, is she really a friend if she doesn't respect you?

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 19:23

I haven't replied but am upset. She has pictures of my children on the beach, in the paddling pool. I keep thinking of stuff we've done and have no idea what she has posted.

OP posts:
octoberbaby2010 · 15/12/2018 19:25

Could you make a Facebook account send her a friends request and report the photos? She hasn't got your permission to share them I'm pretty sure she's in the wrong here! Then delete the Facebook? Xx

Skipuation · 15/12/2018 19:40

Everyone who works in child protection and associated sectors recommends not putting photos of your children online.

onalongsabbatical · 15/12/2018 19:42

Post this thread on her Facebook page She will fucking hate it. And then say, yes, that's how you posting pix of my children makes me feel SO DELETE THEM!

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 19:52

On the beach and in the paddling pool?! Kids that aren’t even hers? FFS what is wrong with her?!

OlennasWimple · 15/12/2018 19:56

Wow - that's pretty nasty

Graphista · 15/12/2018 19:59

No "struggle" needed I'd absolutely bin her off - honestly. She doesn't care about you, your family or your feelings about a perfectly legitimate boundary that MANY parents also use.

I've posted pics of dd on FB but never anything where she's in a state of undress and only with her permission and I have high security settings that I regularly review (and bro usually notices if an update affects this and let's me know - he's a police officer and doesn't use SM at all. I never post anything relating to him or his immediate family. Partly as I know he doesn't want me to and I respect that, partly as I know his reasons - basically so nobody he's arrested/investigated can get info on him and his.)

But it's still not completely secure and I'm aware of that.

I have a friend who escaped a particularly nasty dv situation and doesn't use SM because of that. She's had idiots not knowing the background (but they don't bloody need to - point is she's told them NOT to post pics of her kids!) and she's then had to say "you've put my kids safety even their lives at risk, take the photos off NOW!"

Your "friend" is an arrogant pratt who absolutely should take the time to go through her newsfeed and delete the photos- thinking about it, this wouldn't even take her that long to do but the minor inconvenience might just make her think twice before stomping over other people's boundaries and rights!

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 19:59

@ShadyLady53 I don't know she has posted them, just that she has them. I've no idea what she has posted, just that she has been posting pictures of us please for 8 years. I don't have Facebook so I don't know.

OP posts:
MrsDrudge · 15/12/2018 20:09

In my view she has been totally disrespectful of you and your family. I think she needs to know how hurt and upset you are that she has gone against your wishes behind your back. If she doesn’t understand why this is unacceptable then I don’t think I’d want her as a friend.

GinghamStyle · 15/12/2018 20:16

Your reply should be “Yes you are.”

I was asked once to take down some photos with my friend’s daughter on from a birthday party because she and her husband had agreed no photos of their daughter on social media. My boyfriend also doesn’t have social media and has asked me not to put any of him on FB.

OF COURSE I respect their wishes!!

Your friend was clearly a princess in a past life! Grin

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 20:23

Have you got a relative or friend on FB who is friends with her who you can meet to go through her page? At least then you’ll know what’s up there.

PotteryLady · 15/12/2018 22:14

I would reply that it's not a negotiation. I said and meant no photos. Please respect my wishes and friendship