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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude? Facebook related

138 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 14:39

I am not on Facebook and do not really like it for various reasons. I have previously told friend that I don't like it many times and that I would not want pictures of my children on there as I personally feel it's not right to put their pictures online and give them an online presence without their permission, it just seems disrespectful and I may inadvertently post something that embarrasses them in years to come. Also there are people (including mutual friends of this friend) who I avoid and would not want them to have access to pictures of my children purely because I don't want them to know anything about me or my life.

Everyone can do what they want with their own kids pictures, this is just my preference. I don't go on about it, but my feelings are known.

Last week friend came over with her kids for a pre Xmas get together, kids swapped presents, music, food etc. My friend had forgotten her camera so after I emailed her some of the pictures for her own record.

This morning while having coffee with another friend she commented that it looked like we had fun last week, and you've guessed it, she had put all the photos I sent her on Facebook including ones of my children, some just of my children and lots showing inside my house etc.

I'm more annoyed than anything as she knows my feelings and we have discussed it plenty of times. But I don't want to come across as controlling and silly... However having pictures showing my kids and house online makes me feel exposed I suppose and like my privacy has been invaded.

I know in a world where people post everything from their lunch to their toilet habits makes me the oddball here, but surely I have a right to my own choices? Somehow it adds insult to injury that they were pictures I took and sent her...

So AIBU to be annoyed?
Would you say anything? If so what?

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 15/12/2018 15:57

Don't be so apologetic in your message...

It's OK to just say "Friend told me that they saw the pictures I took of the other weekend on Facebook. Can you take down the ones that show my DC? Thanks"

redcarbluecar · 15/12/2018 16:00

That message sounds OK to me (not that you need to describe yourself as an oddball, but up to you!) You then haven't got much control over whether she does take the pictures down or not, but at least she'll know how you feel and might think twice about crossing this particular boundary in the future.

Oopsy41 · 15/12/2018 16:02

I've told people many times to take pics of my kids off Facebook and she didn't have any right to put them on in the first place

xwhoiamx · 15/12/2018 16:09

I don't allow pics of my child on Facebook either and would be very annoyed if someone did this to me. I'd not be apologetic at all to her, get her told, you don't post pics of your kids and you'd rather she didn't either, please could you take them down. I'm sick of being made to feel like I'm difficult for not allowing this. Its perfectly reasonable request.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 15/12/2018 16:11

I see the tone your trying to go with but to be honest it's just a touch wishywashy, your giving her too much leeway, you need to be a bit more direct. Also using the phrase oddball allows her to treat it like it's an oddball request to remove them.
Your asking her if its ok and if she wouldn't mind etc which then makes it very easy to say no.

You need to be asking just politely but directly asking for her to take down any pictures that have your children in it.

So most of your message but take out, hope that's ok etc

Hi friend Iv seen that you've posted pictures from last week on Facebook.
I know we all have our own individual rules around social media and that's fine but I don't want any pictures of my children up, it makes me uncomfortable so Can you please remove any that have my children in them thanks a lot. looking forward to seeing you have a great Christmas
Zoe X

HidDis · 15/12/2018 16:22

You have no reason to apologise, and no need to explain, politely reassert your boundaries and make you reason for texting clear,

Hi -friend-, I saw -mutual friend- today and she mentioned that she had seen some of the photos from last week on Facebook. Could you take them down please? I know we've discussed thing kind of thing about SM before! Thanks a lot, looking forward to seeing you have a great Christmas
Zoe X

HidDis · 15/12/2018 16:28

Sorry to keep banging on about copyright, it just means that if she doesn't, and I don't think she's as "nice" as you seem to think she is, then you can ask Facebook to take them down.

Skipuation · 15/12/2018 16:42

Your message is too apologetic. You can be polite and firm.

Also age of child matters not one bit. Babies are entitled to privacy too, if their parents feel that way.

Valasca · 15/12/2018 16:48

You’d offend her? I think you need to get offended with her first.

Hi x. As you know (remind her what you’ve said before)... so I was really shocked to be told by Y that you put my photos on FB, despite knowing this. Please take them down immediately. I’m very upset you’ve purposefully disregarded my feelings on this and caused me upset.

Valasca · 15/12/2018 16:51

If she dares suggest you’re over reacting, pull her up. Yes perhaps I am. Just as you over reacted at A B and C. But no one was crass enough to point this out because we were sensitive to your feelings. I assumed of all people, you’d get it.

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 16:59

I sent the msg and she has replied.
"Sorry Zoe, I totally forgot. I do post alot, because I am proud of my children and my friends, that includes you and your family and I can't leave you out of my story however hard I try"

I don't know what to say back!

OP posts:
GrubbyHipsterBeard · 15/12/2018 17:03

Wow what a response. I think some of the suggestions on here are very aggressive and your approach is much better, but that is a dreadful answer from her. Implying you’re not proud of your kids because you don’t put them on FB? Also Is she taking them down or not?

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 17:05

I don't know if she is taking them down, I want to ask but honestly don't the best way to say this now. Maybe just leave it? I can't force her to take them down and don't want to ruin a friendship over this.

OP posts:
TornFromTheInside · 15/12/2018 17:09

She's implying you're not quite as proud and that you should overlook her transgression because she's just so enthusiastic.

Pain in the arse people like this - she knows your wishes and has chosen to publish them regardless.

ShadyLady53 · 15/12/2018 17:10

That’s a very passive aggressive reply imo! Are you sure she’s as nice as you say?

TornFromTheInside · 15/12/2018 17:10

You can ask Facebook to take them down as you own the copyright and have not given permission. How rapidly they will respond is anybody's guess.

At the end of the day SHE is the one turning it into something, not you.

OlennasWimple · 15/12/2018 17:12

I've had similar responses from people I've asked to take down photos of my DC

I tend to say something like "Understood. Thanks for taking down the photos."

Chamomileteaplease · 15/12/2018 17:14

I think you are within your rights to text back and say, confused face emoji, so are you going to take them down?

And stop apologising.

ChristmasFlary · 15/12/2018 17:15

Just reply that your proud of your family and friends but you still don't want photo's of yourself, kids, home up so pleae remove them

Original poster
ZoeZebra1 · 15/12/2018 17:18

I've replied this:
"We're proud that you are our friend too. Thanks for taking the pictures down for me"

Used above ideas, hopefully that's the end of it.

OP posts:
Skipuation · 15/12/2018 17:21

Good reply!

Skipuation · 15/12/2018 17:22

What's the betting a passive aggressive status/meme will follow?

Ilikeknitting · 15/12/2018 17:24

Just ask your friend politely, to remove the photos of your children, explain you don’t post pix of your kids and you’d appreciate if she didn’t either. No biggie, job done.

Veganfortheanimals · 15/12/2018 17:24

Yes very rude.tell her to take them down

grimupnorth1 · 15/12/2018 17:25

I am the kind of person that used social media for everything but I have friends who have explicitly said they don't want photos of their children on social media and I would never dream of posting anything without their permission.