To exclude one child (out of 21)? Christmas cards at nursery

[QwertyLou]

To be clear, I don’t want to leave this little lad out (nor does DS - they’re good mates) but we have to, due to his parents’ request.

So it’s more of a “how do I handle this?”

I wasn’t going to worry about Christmas cards this year (we did them last year - one for each child in his room).

But today I ended up cutting up cardboard, setting up paints, stamps etc and helped him make cards... He’s been home sick - quite lethargic, but well enough to need occupying.

We now have 21 Christmas cards, lovingly handcrafted and ready to go!

Only now do I remember about this little lad. And wish I thought of something else to keep DS occupied!

Last year, DS loved handing out the cards and the kids were excited to get them. After they all ran off, one of the Mums said “Sorry - we don’t celebrate Christmas” and handed her son’s card back to me (very politely and privately).

I think I said “Oh sorry!” or something inane, and tucked the card into my handbag. It was slightly awkward but all very polite, I soon forgot all about it.

Anyway - a year later, I’ve used it as a teaching moment and explained to my son about different religions and customs.

(my Mum did the same for me, I’d chosen the “Hail Mary” and she said matter-of-factly “oh some of the girls are Protestant and they don’t pray to Mary, choose another prayer!”

My son is fine with the religion discussion but says “Billy” “will be sad if I give a card to everyone but not to him!”

If Billy was a confident, bolshie little boy it would be easier. But he seems a very sensitive little soul. He was overjoyed to be invited to my son’s birthday party because he doesn’t tend to get invited to things often.

I once watched a little girl handing out invites and Billy was beaming, waiting for his. And when he didn’t get one his face... just crumpled and his eyes filled with tears. I just wanted to pick him up and give him the biggest cuddle!

TL;DR - how should my son hand out 20 cards without being mean to the one child he can not give one to?

Are there any non-Christmas celebrators who would be comfortable saying what you would want done?

PS. If I’d remembered earlier, I would have got him to make cards for people outside nursery.

PPS. They don’t have book bags.

You need to ask his mum what she's ok with really if she didn't like the card with no mention of Christmas.

I agree. Explain in advance that your DS wants to hand out cards and that the one forherDS will just be a friendship card.

A card with a snowman and "seasons greetings"is still a Christmas card. As are snowman chocolates etc. Some religions won't care but I think JW can be hard line about that kind of thing.

I personally wouldn't tolerate such an INTOLERANT mother. Just because they don't celebrate Xmas doesn't mean they can isolate children and be unaccepting of other religion / tradition.
Don't add to the little boys isolation, give him a card like the other 20 kids. Bless him, the thought of him being excluded from all the fun is so sad.

I would be delighted if someone was kind enough to give me a Diwali, Chanukah, Eid, New year or any other card. I'd be polite and smile & say thank you. Because that's polite. Not what this mother did and gave it back!! How rude.

You are unlikely to ever has these sort of issues with people from traditionally Indian and Pakistani religions. I often find they are open to 'sharing' religious festivals. We had a family on our road growing up who were Hindu, they would always include us in their religious celebrations and were always included in our Christian ones. All the kids at school were the same, it was so much fun.

The only religious person I have ever known not to do this was JW. I felt awful for the children who weren't allowed to get involved. They were left out of everything, even if they were invited.

@SoupDragon and the PP you are quoting are probably, I should just ask Billy’s mom pointblank. Just always feel awkward around her but I can do it.

I know it’s probably OTT to think about it this much, I just remember how sad he was to not get the party invite. And the other day at pick up, he announced to me “(my DS’ name) is my best friend!!”

So I feel like if his “best friend” gives everyone a card except for Billy then he’ll be really sad. Which will be hard for my DS and tbh a bit hard to explain why sometimes it is ok to exclude one person.

My youngest used to have a friend who was a Jehovahs Witness and my DD used to send her a thank you card card with a message along the lines of 'thank you for being a special friend' at Christmas. It was not refused, so maybe something like that?

I’d go with the thank you for being my friend card, and perhaps don’t put it in an envelope so mum can see immedisteky what it is, so there isn’t the awkwardness of handing it back.

Make a completely un-wintery card for being a friend.

The secular, snowman winter scenes etc are all connected with diabolical pagan devil worshiping (from the PoV of a JW, not me!) Potentially worse than a baby in a manger.

I have absolutely no love for the JW organisation. I've seen the hurt it's caused to members of my extended family. Funny that all the children of the original member are atheist ex-JWs. Most of them fortunately broke away before being baptised, but one was, and she's been shunned which she found utterly heart breaking. While the parent will still talk to her, it has very much quenched their relationship irreperably. It's an utterly joy-less, un-Christian organisation. (And I can personally vouch that their meetings are considerably more boring than the oft compared Mormons who are much more cheerful, socially orientated. Not a member of them)

I honestly don't understand why you would refuse a card that someone went to the effort to make/get. I don't celebrate Diwali, Chanukah or Eid but if someone gave me one of those I would happily accept it and display it in my house just like any other card I had recieved.

As I suggested before, your DS makes 21 cards but he keeps one ("friendship") card to give in January.
So he isn't "excluding" he's respecting his friend's family.

I fully appreciate that it is a practice that you yourself don't respect but that is a bit too complex for 3-4 year olds.

She sounds a bit joyless. If someone gave mean eid card for example I would accept it gladly and put it up. It's a nice thought.

What if someone gave you a turd? That might be how the parent feels about a card.

For JW associating with 'worldly' people, should be limited.

I have had a card from a JW, I was leaving a job and she got me a 'good bye and good luck' card.

The link below is to some free printable 'colouring sheets', you could print one and your ds could write thank you for being my friend on the back.

jwprintables.com/en/fruitage-of-the-spirit-coloring-page/

Or maybe a post card of something your ds likes and would like to share with his friend.

@sashh what, how can a Christmas card be compared to a turd? That's ridiculous...

90mammasophie

I think so too, but I'm not a JW. For some people it would be about as welcome, something you would not want to bring in to your home.

Something you may not want your children to be exposed to.

If you are not in a religion I think it's difficult to understand how much doing the right thing can impact on someone.

Maybe it's easier with a more well known faith. Would you give a packet of bacon to a Jewish or Muslim neighbour? Even if it is your favorite food and you think everyone should try it and you are giving it as a nice thing.

For a JW something celebrating Xmas, a birthday or many of the things most of people are happy about receiving, can be something they want to distance themselves from, to not see, touch or even acknowledge exists.

Keeping = that was a very clear and helpful explanation of JW belief and has an internal logic to it that makes sense. I hadn't really understood it before. (Always better to understand than simply dismiss as "mad")

I think it was incredibly intolerant of the mother to reject the card in the first place.
My friend always invited my children to Diwali parties when they were little and I would never have said we wouldn’t go because we weren’t Sikh.
Poor little lad.

90mammasophie, bit then the boy would be upset by his Mother taking it off him and putting it in the bin.

It might not be his Mother whose the hardliners, she might ne up against a Partner and his Family.

As said, this is easierly overcome without upsetting anyone.

If you compare it to insisting a Muslim try one of your pigs in blankets, then you will understand it.

Helendee, Diwali doesn't focus on a God etc, so it's different.

Are you a staunch member of a religious group? Even so Diwali doesn't compromise your beliefs.

Keeping = that was a very clear and helpful explanation of JW belief and has an internal logic to it that makes sense. I hadn't really understood it before. (Always better to understand than simply dismiss as "mad")

Exactly @Cleo18. No one is asking anyone else to agree or believe, but simply saying the mother is intolerant won't help the little boy.

I also liked @sashh's analogy of giving bacon to a jewish or muslim family. You don't have to agree to respect others' beliefs.

Birdsgottafly

Yes I’m a practising Christian and think all religions need to tolerate each other, devout or otherwise.

Onecutefox I went to school with a PB girl, she was really lovely but could hardly take part in anything including watching tv and she had to rush home for lunch every day, wasn’t allowed to cut her hair it had to be burnt off at the ends. There were loads of rules.

Thinking about it, many of the rules seem to be about stopping outside influence and I guess therefore lessening the chance that they might question their faith. She left after year 8 iirc.

I often wonder where she ended up as despite living in the same place I’ve literally never seen her. It’s probably wildly offensive but looking at it as an adult it seems more like a cult than a religion.

Back to the OP I get the generic card instead idea but it’s really a Xmas card in disguise. I think you just have to go with the mother’s wishes.

I wonder if the child will continue in this faith into adulthood? I don’t see how being excluded from so much can endear you to it long term.

Can he definitely not have cards this year? Sometimes things change. At a nursery I worked at the children often started as babies with various dietary requirements, but most left at 4 able to eat everything (unless there were medical reasons, obviously). We had Muslim children allowed to eat sausages and formerly vegetarian children allowed to eat meat. Although we always had alternatives the children quickly told their parents they wanted to eat what their friends were. And their parents agreed that they could. So this mum might have changed her mind about cards over the year?

if i was the other mom I would probably just discreetly dispose of it later

I imagine that's what most would do - even plenty of JWs - if only just to be polite. But some seem to feel an urge to make "a point" and it just seems so sad; there are lots of bad influences in the wider world but there's a lot of good too, and I've never really seen what the problem is with sharing

On a similar note, the sector I recruited in meant most of my employees were muslim so at Eid I'd be inundated with cards and gifts of food ... and I absolutely loved it (not least because the food was brilliant!! )

I know Billy is only young, you think it is inclusive and kind to give him a card at Christmas and is harmless, but he will already have already been exposed to and likely directly taught that celebrating Christmas is wicked and sinful. Think of it like lessons in stranger danger times a million. And then imagine how a child would feel about themselves because they had really wanted to go with a stranger to see his puppies.

Wanting to receive cards or gifts, having a tree and decorations etc is a mortal sin and you can have no secrets as Jehovah can see into your heart. It is this struggle that makes this time of year so hard for JW DC. Wanting to celebrate in any way never mind actually celebrating has to be resisted every day and resisting 'temptation' is made harder by other people thinking they are being kind. It is like thinking it is kind to give a diabetic child chocolate because non-diabetic children are having chocolate. Of course diabetes is real but the child will have been taught to resist chocolate even if they want it and all their peers are enjoying it.

Non-Christmas related but I can strongly remember sitting on my Grandma's knee at around age 5, admiring her pretty gold chain necklace, and then recoiling in horror as she pulled it out of her blouse to reveal a crucifix. It was a combination of extreme guilt for liking the necklace (failing a 'test' and revealing myself to be a sinner) and extreme sadness that she was going to die and had no hope of resurrection.

I can only say what it was like for me. I know people who have been worse affected. I had one friend who had contributed to a C4 documentary on the issue and there are social media survivor groups that others belong to.

"I wonder if the child will continue in this faith into adulthood? I don’t see how being excluded from so much can endear you to it long term."

Having a Christian friend from Nigeria, were now Boko Haram is active, but it's always been predominantly Muslim, anyway, has put a different spin on things for me.

They were the children that didn't do certain things because of their religion. The Catholic Church in their region is only five years old. So they didn't have a place to come together, community etc the Christian schools they had are now unusable, because of fear.

They were isolated for being Christians, but like Christians in Pakistan, they still follow that religion in Adulthood.

While being JW is an entirely feasible reason for the card-rejection, it might not be. The mother is keeping her cards very close to her chest

OP, I think the only way to establish what would be acceptable to the mother is to talk to her. From what you say, she’s quite tight-lipped, so I’d probably just have a quiet word to ask if there is anything that she would find acceptable, whether that be a friendship card, small painting or whatever.

If she won’t engage, and I suspect that’s likely, I think you just have to accept that as being an end to it, but encourage your son to be the best friend to Billy that he can be.