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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my Christmas gift choice for this ungrateful child...

138 replies

Ggirl27 · 13/12/2018 09:17

Have a small relative aged 8 who I buy a Christmas and Birthday gift for every year. And every time he opens a gift he whispers to his parent that 'I've already got this' or 'I don't like this', he is encouraged by his parent to say thank you which he does. This Christmas I have bought him a dressing gown. I was going to spend a lot of time choosing him a suitable gift as I usually would but as I usually miss the mark with this child I thought I'd just save my time as he's probably going to hate his gift anyway. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/12/2018 10:21

Hes 8 so presumambly he has been 7 and 6 and so on when receiving his other Christmas presents. So of course he cant hide his emotions very well. Its disappointing even as an adult to get something we already have. As regards saying thank you sonetines in the excitement of gift receiving youngsters can forget. That he is being pulled up on it means eventually it will become second nature.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2018 10:35

He might not even like marvel. He might not travel in a dressing gown. You’re putting a very adult understanding on the situation. What you’re suggesting is probably as inspiring as receiving a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.

Get some naughty stuff that he wouldn’t usually get. Get googling! And ask his dad.

Mookatron · 13/12/2018 10:36

I think a dressing gown is actually a great present. You don't have to be mean about an 8 year old though. They're all like it. We kind of teach them to be by buying them whatever the fuck they fancy (I include myself in that). With both kids it's been the age where I've realised it has to STOP and they've got much less materialistic as they've got older anyway I think.

BringMeTea · 13/12/2018 10:37

Selection box. Job done. It must be kinda irritating. (for you I mean).

BringMeTea · 13/12/2018 10:39

And it's not your job to ensure you 'make his face light up'.

FairyFace · 13/12/2018 10:40

I am rotfl here at MBOSNZ suggestion of a goat . hahahhahah, it reminds me of when myself and dh were really struggling one Christmas and his parents would always throughout the years give us cash in a card, they weren't the present buying types and that particular year we really could have done with it, it usually came in Christmas card and all dh siblings would get the same every year. This year in particular we opened card and instead of the few pound we had expected ( serves us right) we had a card from Oxfam or wherever saying thank you for buying a goat, it will keep 3 families alive for a year and provide milk etc. Well I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but in fairness we made it through Christmas and we had a right ole laugh about it, and I actually felt quite smug telling my own family that I was the proud owner of a goat somewhere in Africa that was helping some family out. Lol Grin

coolestmum · 13/12/2018 10:42

Just suppose it irritates me that he can't say thank you at 8 without being prompted and be so miserable about a gift...
That kind of says it all though. The child has been constantly bought and therefore spoiled. So its not his fault at the age of 8 that he can't get excited about a gift. Its quite sad really when you think about it.

Just persevere. A dressing gown is really boring unless you know he actually wants one. Theres stacks of stuff an 8 year old boy would love. But I'd definitely go for chocolate over a dressing gown, he won't care how much you've spent. Hes 8.

jessstan2 · 13/12/2018 10:47

He is quite rude. Presents are usually bought in good faith and kids need to be taught that.

A dressing gown sounds fine and it can be changed if it's not his style.

I hope you get some nice stuff that you like!

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/12/2018 10:50

My sister once got each of my children an Oxfam gift ie goat. She was comfortably off, we weren't. Summoning up grateful was not easy. It wasn't a gift given with love but with a massive great virtue signal. I think someone else said something because it wasn't repeated.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 13/12/2018 10:52

I think manners are still very much a work in progress at that age. And TBH if people are hard to please with regard to presents I don't kill myself trying to find the one gift that they'll love, but grab something easily exchangeable with a prominently attached gift receipt.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/12/2018 10:53

Either find out what he's into and if it's the sort of thing where more of it is always good (eg Lego or k'nex) get some of that - or give him chocolate, maybe something else cheap and cheerful and some cash or a gift card.

mbosnz · 13/12/2018 10:53

I can remember being three years old and being given the exact same tin of jelly beans by one grandparent that I'd been given by the other on the other side. I very excitedly yelled that I'd got two cans of jelly beans now, and got embarrassedly shushed by my parents and told we don't say things like that, we just say thank you very much. I was very confused because I thought it was brilliant. I really liked those tins of jelly beans. . .

At 8, the kid has had time to learn the basics of please and thank you. Difficult if he's not being taught or having them modelled to him though. If he does the same thing this year, has to be prompted to say thank you, and puts an ungracious little rider on the end of it, I'd be tempted to do him a favour and very quietly explain to him that all it is necessary to say when no one is obligated to give a person a gift, and if someone is lucky enough to receive one, what is required is to say a polite and genuine, 'thank you very much' - no more, no less. Because otherwise people might find that they start getting no gifts at all. . .

I've got nieces and nephews in their twenties now. In all the years I have bought them gifts, I haven't had one of them say 'thank you'. Their parents may have, when they were younger, on their behalf. This year I decided that I'm not buying gifts for them any longer. I'm sure they won't notice, and that's okay. (It's equally okay if they do notice, as far as I'm concerned, lol).

We all get and give a bit too much these days, I reckon. It's lost a lot of the value, meaning, excitment and genuine pleasure at receiving a gift even if it wasn't exactly what we would have liked to have got.

Lynne45 · 13/12/2018 10:54

A onesie will go down better at that age. My son never bothered with dressing gowns.

scarbados · 13/12/2018 10:54

Get the selection box as has already been suggested. GIve the dressing gown to a charity shop or community support organisation so it can go to someone who'll be grateful and just give him the chocolate. Then have a word with his parents about the importance of teaching him some decent manners.

adaline · 13/12/2018 10:56

At 8yo can you not put money in a card? That's what we give our niece and she's just turned 9. She loves it because she can buy whatever she wants and mum likes it because it means she doesn't end up with loads of duplicate toys every year.

Youngandfree · 13/12/2018 10:57

Just ask him. I always ask my nieces and nephews(not the parents because then they say what THEY would like 🙄)

Youngandfree · 13/12/2018 10:58

@scarbados yes that would be a perfect topic in the middle of Christmas celebrations! 🙄

Lovemusic33 · 13/12/2018 10:59

I’m not sure why people buy gifts without knowing if they will be wanted, total waste, chances are he already has a dressing gown. Kids can be ungreatful, I teach my kids to say thank you and to keep their mouths shut if it’s something they already have but tbh I would prefer people didn’t buy them anything unless they ask me or the dd’s What they would like. My dads partner messaged me a few days ago asking what to get the dd’s, I was so pleased as they often buy stuff the dd’s Don’t like and it’s just a waste. I chose 2 reasonably priced gifts (a board game and a craft kit) and sent her links to the items, now I don’t have to worry about my dd’s getting something they already have or something they don’t like.

Either ask the parents, buy a gift card of stop buying for them as it’s a waste of your money and just adding more things to landfill, it also saves time and effort.

FishCanFly · 13/12/2018 11:01

cash/gift voucher/event ticket (i.e. circus). Kids have so much stuff these days so they won't get excited over something they already got.

LucieMorningstar · 13/12/2018 11:02

@PristineCondition

All kids are ungrateful some just hide it better.

Yesterday I gave my friends lad a card and a fiver for his birthday. I thought he’d scoff at it but he really surprised me because he was genuinely happy to get it and said thankyou more than once! He can be a really blunt individual sometimes and this really made me happy!

Oblomov18 · 13/12/2018 11:03

I find children these days quite rude, ungrateful and for example expressive of the fact they've already got something.

Quite common.

but given that it's already happened before I would've expected the parents to have a word with him and to make sure he doesn't say these kind of things to you or anyone else, having heard it before.

PinkHeart5914 · 13/12/2018 11:05

I’d buy him a goat!

Fadingmemory · 13/12/2018 11:08

I would ask his parents if there is anything he does not have or if there is anything he does like.

(My imaginery self would give him an envelope inside which would be the message, ‘I was going to give you a £20 note but I thought you would either not like it or already have it.)

However, if no ideas were forthcoming, I would give him a £20 (or £10 or whatever) note or gift voucher.

Lovemusic33 · 13/12/2018 11:08

But the child hasn’t been ungreatful really? He says thank you whilst whispering to his parents “I already have this” or “I don’t like this”, quite often a child doesn’t realise others can hear them whisper. He’s only telling the truth, it is a bit disappointing getting a gift that’s no use to you? I felt disappointed last year when my dad gave me some smellies which I can’t use as I have eczema, yes I grinned and said thank you but I was slightly upset (my dad is loaded and he bought me a crap gift that I can’t use, it’s a waste). So much easier to ask someone what they would like or even ask them what things they are into.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/12/2018 11:09

teach my kids to say thank you and to keep their mouths shut if it’s something they already have

I think I pre-empted problems by telling DD that if she got a duplicate or something she really didn't want (eg Disney princess dolls) then we'd regift them when someone else who we thought would like them had a birthday, and I'd get her something she liked later in the year instead.

No waste, no disappointment or hurt feelings on either side.

Just thinking about presents which always seemed acceptable- drawing materials, notebooks, pencil cases etc.