To stop doing anything for my son?

[RudeDS]

Adult Son aged 25 lives with me. Pays no rent, no bills and has 24/7 access to broadband, Sky TV in his room (paid for by me) and invites his friends round as and when he wants. I also make all his meals for him.

He has borderline personality disorder so not sure if it’s part of his condition. Earlier this year I went on holiday for 2 weeks, I asked him to feed the cats – I left enough food for 3 weeks plus money in case he ran out (expected him to use it on himself). He refused to feed them, saying he wouldn’t know what to do put a pouch in the bowl and top up the water, not difficult. Thankfully my DD whose older than him was available and fed them for me, but he then moaned when DD took the £20 I’d left and bought a magazine and a bar of chocolate for herself and a cheap £1 DVD for her DD. He also complained that she bought her then 2 year old with her as she apparently makes too much noise when he’s trying to sleep (she’s now 3 and is a happy girl, who has problems communicating so does get overexcited and squeal or shout random things when she’s very happy – I love it but Son says it’s annoying and she needs to be quiet).

He sleeps all day and then is up all night. Complains when GD comes over but invites his friends over from 10pm onwards when I have to be up for work the next day – I never complain.

Yesterday I saw some new pieces of furniture I wanted – a chest of drawers and a new toy box for my GDs toys (she has a box of toys at my house). I rang my son asking if he would help me carry the furniture up from my car to our flat (we live in a block, we’re on the 1st floor – 1 set of stairs so not far at all). He shouted down the phone that I’d woken him up, that it was the middle of the night for him and we shouldn’t be encouraging my GD to want to come to my house anyway as his sister (my DD) already doesn’t look after her often as it is* so no he won’t help me and then hung up on me.

I cried having him be so rude to me. I do so much for him and he can’t help me do one small thing.

So I’ve done nothing for him – not put his clothes that are in the basket in the washing machine, only cooked food for myself, and have text my DD to say I’ll go pick GD up from Nursery at 3pm.

AIBU? Or too harsh due to his disorder meaning he was always going to be so rude to me?

*My DD is 27, is a single parent to GD aged 3. DD works 3 days a week so GD is in Nursery, but to make the days shorter for GD I pick her up on 1 or 2 of those days and take her to mine. I also cook a Sunday dinner every Sunday for DD and EO Sunday for GD and they eat this at my house. My DD is a brilliant parent, GD has SN (as said previously) but tries her hardest to be polite and is a happy child – all the reports from her Nursery describe her as a contented, well liked child and I know that’s due to my DD who has a firm but fair attitude to parenting and does pull GD up on her bad behaviour while taking into consideration her SN. DD picks GD up from me and if I ever can’t pick GD up she gets her herself and never asks me to babysit or do extra childcare than what I offer. And DD helps me with Sunday dinner, either by providing a pudding or by cooking it herself at my house while I play with my GD and chat to my dad who also comes.

DD is 19 and has BPD. She has started her own business this year as well as university.

She needs extra emotional support during stressful times and does occasionally swear around me. However I’m happy to tell her she was out of line when she calms down and she apologises.

I understand that treading on eggshells and trying to keep things pleasant can feel like the path of least resistance. Been there done that but it wasn’t until I pushed back that our relationship actually improved.

Your parents maybe couldn’t have done anything. I am in a very similar situation now with a sibling and grew up thinking the same as you about my parents. I now understand they were powerless at the time (poorly recognised issues back then, better recognised now but only if you can get access to CAMHS which is a whole other story) and they didn’t enforce boundaries because trying to made my sibling’s behaviour much worse. My parents don’t like talking about it and I used to wish they would, but as a parent now, I realise that’s because they blame themselves enough as it is and struggle to deal with it. IME you can’t move forward yourself unless you forgive everyone for their parts in it all and accept that the situation now is what it is.

@exparrot - My parents definitely could have done something - they could have at least prevented my sister from emotionally and physically abusing my other sister, who was 8 years younger. For context, she would constantly bully, shout at and harass my younger sister, even when she was 11 and my younger sister was only 3. I think most not shit parents would have done something, anything to stop that. I did a lot more than my parents did to prevent that and I was only a child myself.

My parents' approach was to either ignore her behaviour or make me and my sister kowtow to her to keep her happy - I don't think they should have done either of those things. They basically avoided the problem as much as possible. Even when I was 25 and getting married I was still expected to let my sister have her own way - when I drew the line and said that actually I was now an adult and I wasn't going to do everything my bully of a sister said at my own wedding for fear she'd have a tantrum they seemed to finally get the message.

I understand that you feel you get why your parents couldn't deal with the situation but my opinion is that as a parent you don't get to just give up and ignore the suffering of your children because you can't face a problem. They weren't stupid - they could see she wasn't (and still isn't) normal but they just did nothing. I should add that my younger sister also has a physical disability and they also ignored that, so they have truly shitty form for this sort of behaviour.

I have BPD and I work 25 hours a week, have a good relationship with my partner and am Mum to a teenager.
I don’t think that your son’s BPD is the main reason he acts like this. I think he is just a lazy CF.

Stop enabling him!!!!

Something needs to be done or he is setting himself up for a miserable and lonely life which I fear you have contributed to by enabling him for so long.

You have been far too tolerant with your adult son who you should be encouraging to be independent. He is not a child and even with a BPD this is no excuse for his bullying and abusive behaviour.time for some tough love. H e needs to pay 50% of the rent as he should if you share the flat. He needs to find out what benefits he is entitled to but really he should get a job. I would cancel the Sky first as a way of making life slightly less comfortable for him. I would no longer shop for him or do his washing or cooking. Have your DD and GD over as much as you like. If he moans point out your DD is supportive whereas he is just a user and no support to you whatsoever.

In the end though you might want to save to get your own place if he doesn't change and won't move out.

Spaghetti Jumper

Once your sister reached adulthood there is very little your parents could have done. Really these issue need dealing with when problem "children" are much younger. Getting some advice from mental health professionals or maybe even SS intervention should be done in their teens not waiting until they are 25. The OP has a DD as well as a son and he seems to be abusing them both. It is all very well to say don't turn him away or kick him out but he needs a sharp dose of reality which he won't get from being allowed to live rent free, pay no bills or make any effort to help his mum. Refusing to help his mum would have me up there giving him grief but physically there is little she can do except withdraw support. He is an adult in size if nothing else.

BPD can be a seriously disabling condition and can take a huge toll on both the person and those who love them. It can be hard for people with BPD to develop mature relationships or to function successfully at home, school or work and can be very difficult to live with someone when they are treaing you the way you describe your son. It is most certainly not a 'dustbin diagnosis' and help is available - including for you. I recommend looking up information on BPD from Mind as they have some good resources. Understanding more about his diagnosis might help you to understand what you can do to help him and you. Please do understand that none of that excuses what has been happening and you are entitled to a better homelife free from the worry and abuse you have described.
Having said all that, by enabling him to carry on the way he is you are putting your own mental health at risk as well as letting him away with not taking any responsibility for his life. I suggest you go to the council to discuss your situation with the tenancy and any housing options that might be suitable for him.
Enjoy your time with your DD and GD and start looking after yourself more. This situation is not ok OP and Im sending you

I think that you need to have a conversation with your son and say that you need him to pay some money towards the cost of the house. If you lived alone you would receive single person council tax reduction if you live in UK. I would also let him know how much you spend on other bills like water, electric, gas, TV, insurance, food, internet, mobile phone and ask for a contribution. What would happen if you were I'll or something worse, how would he support himself ? There is a phenomenon in Asia where some people don't leave their house for years, perhaps he has something similar. I would give him a deadline and say that things need to change. Do you want to be in the same position in 5, 10, 20 years time. Why is he not volunteering if not working ?

So he could be getting housing benefit and council tax benefit and not handing it over to pay his share of those?

@jay55

Depends how much the OP earns. If she's deemed to earn enough to pay it then he can't. It's calculated the same as it would be if they were partners.

Also, on that note, I'd say to those saying "kick him out" if OP has given him joint tenancy (I believe she said this in an update) then she can't. It's equally his place so she doesn't have a choice.

OP...your son has a MH issue AND he's acting poorly, the two maybe linked but one doesnt permit the other. You have a son with a MH disorder AND a lack of boundaries with your son. Again one doesn't necessitate the other. It might be difficult (and you may need some support from a counselor etc as situations like this don't appear over night and may need a bit of unpicking) but some clear expectations would help both of you here. For example 'Its not ok for friends to come to my home at any time' and set a boundary e.g if this happens I will come in and ask them to leave (or similar) then if he ignores you follow through. It's not going to be easy but it is possible. Unfortunately he's acting badly because it's theres no consequence of anything he does- that's not good for anyone! Even him, he may possibly get his act together but that's up to him...good luck x

if he wont move, find yourself a nicer flat closer to your daughter and granddaughter and leave him to it!

my parents in the end moved out and left my brother living on his own, the best thing they could have done in my opinion!