To stop doing anything for my son?

[RudeDS]

Adult Son aged 25 lives with me. Pays no rent, no bills and has 24/7 access to broadband, Sky TV in his room (paid for by me) and invites his friends round as and when he wants. I also make all his meals for him.

He has borderline personality disorder so not sure if it’s part of his condition. Earlier this year I went on holiday for 2 weeks, I asked him to feed the cats – I left enough food for 3 weeks plus money in case he ran out (expected him to use it on himself). He refused to feed them, saying he wouldn’t know what to do put a pouch in the bowl and top up the water, not difficult. Thankfully my DD whose older than him was available and fed them for me, but he then moaned when DD took the £20 I’d left and bought a magazine and a bar of chocolate for herself and a cheap £1 DVD for her DD. He also complained that she bought her then 2 year old with her as she apparently makes too much noise when he’s trying to sleep (she’s now 3 and is a happy girl, who has problems communicating so does get overexcited and squeal or shout random things when she’s very happy – I love it but Son says it’s annoying and she needs to be quiet).

He sleeps all day and then is up all night. Complains when GD comes over but invites his friends over from 10pm onwards when I have to be up for work the next day – I never complain.

Yesterday I saw some new pieces of furniture I wanted – a chest of drawers and a new toy box for my GDs toys (she has a box of toys at my house). I rang my son asking if he would help me carry the furniture up from my car to our flat (we live in a block, we’re on the 1st floor – 1 set of stairs so not far at all). He shouted down the phone that I’d woken him up, that it was the middle of the night for him and we shouldn’t be encouraging my GD to want to come to my house anyway as his sister (my DD) already doesn’t look after her often as it is* so no he won’t help me and then hung up on me.

I cried having him be so rude to me. I do so much for him and he can’t help me do one small thing.

So I’ve done nothing for him – not put his clothes that are in the basket in the washing machine, only cooked food for myself, and have text my DD to say I’ll go pick GD up from Nursery at 3pm.

AIBU? Or too harsh due to his disorder meaning he was always going to be so rude to me?

*My DD is 27, is a single parent to GD aged 3. DD works 3 days a week so GD is in Nursery, but to make the days shorter for GD I pick her up on 1 or 2 of those days and take her to mine. I also cook a Sunday dinner every Sunday for DD and EO Sunday for GD and they eat this at my house. My DD is a brilliant parent, GD has SN (as said previously) but tries her hardest to be polite and is a happy child – all the reports from her Nursery describe her as a contented, well liked child and I know that’s due to my DD who has a firm but fair attitude to parenting and does pull GD up on her bad behaviour while taking into consideration her SN. DD picks GD up from me and if I ever can’t pick GD up she gets her herself and never asks me to babysit or do extra childcare than what I offer. And DD helps me with Sunday dinner, either by providing a pudding or by cooking it herself at my house while I play with my GD and chat to my dad who also comes.

How can an adult be named as a tenant but paying no rent?

Unsure how the tenancy stands but you certainly can stop doing everything for him. Stop the sky. Stop washing clothes, cooking , cleaning etc. Stop being quiet in the day time, if he doesn't work that's his issue that he is staying up till all hours. If he gets less sleep in the day he may not disturb you at night if he is tired!

You are a good kind nurturing decent person who just wants to help people and do the right thing, but he is taking the piss he's using his disorder to control you and make you work for him

What would happen if you paid your half of the rent only?

Are you scared of him op?

there's something very wrong here OP, he must be getting PIP or something ? you need to go speak to someone about having him removed from the Tenancy. You are living in an appalling situation, he sounds aggressive and vile, you don't have to live like that just because he is your Son

diddl she runs the risk of eviction. Each joint tenant is jointly and severally liable for the rent. The landlord won't do anything to one of the tenants, they would both suffer.

My husband has bipolar disorder. I think that’s why this thread bothers me. Never once has DH considered his illness an excuse or a reason not to do the right thing, or step up and take care of his responsibilities.

When my husband was your son’s age, we’d been married for six years. We had two daughters. He was laid off, had difficulty finding another job locally and so worked away for 18months. He was doing hard manual labour for fourteen hours, living in a caravan and eating 8p value noodles. Every single penny he earned was spent on keeping a roof over his children’s heads, food in their tummies and petrol money to visit them on the weekend. Never once did he complain. He worked like a dog to take care of his family, and I respect and admire him more than words can ever say.

Your son needs to be somebody. He needs to shoulder responsibility. You need to give it to him. He’s not a man at present, he’s an overgrown child.

He sounds like my sister. I don't talk to her at all - she is such an unpleasant person that just being around her makes me feel nauseous.

While I understand why so many people have said to kick him out, I disagree. In my sister's case, her behaviour was always ridiculous - over the top, bullying, rude and demanding - and my parents never did a single thing to sort it out, which meant that we all suffered. My younger sister hates her so much she can't even think about her without getting angry. At some point my parents should have taken responsibility and realised that they needed to do something to change the direction she was taking, but my parents' approach to life is to ignore anything difficult and hope it goes away. It didn't go away and my sister ended up living with parents on and off as an adult for about 11 years, making them miserable. She's finally moved out now but I don't see it lasting - she just can't cope as an independent adult.

What I'm saying is - if your son wasn't able to walk upstairs would you huff and puff about it or would you say 'ok we need to sort this out.' Your son is not able to function as an adult. His behaviour is symptom of his inability to cope. You, as his parent, are the one person in the world who shouldn't walk away/kick him out - you are the one person who should be saying 'this isn't right, I need to do what I can to fix it.' If you don't, it's likely to get worse.

I don't like my sister, but I do feel very sorry for her. My parents completely let her down - in my eyes the way they've dealt with her is no different to them ignoring blindness, or an inability to read or any other disability. She is an extremely damaged adult because of their total failure to recognise her need for help.

Yes his behaviour is horrible but he is still your son. Don't continue to let him down.

I would have been mortified and embarrassed to be still living at home at 25.
As others have said you need to wind back the ‘creature comforts’, cancel the sky and limit the internet, no more laundry and ironing, cleaning up after him and pandering to his selfish needs.

I would only expect him to pay 25% of the rent as I can afford 75%. I work 4 days a week but the days change each week, which is why some weeks I pick up GD twice and others only once. My only guaranteed day off is Sunday.

If I didn't pay the full rent I presume I'd be kicked out of the flat?

I will definitely stop doing anything for him, and have my GD and DD over whenever I want. I don't want the hassle of moving at the moment as one of the cats is ill.

As far as I know his childhood was fine, they don't know what triggered the personality disorder.

@abacucat BPD is in the DSM and the ICD-10 so they probably thought about it before including it, what with them being experts and everything. dustbin diagnosis? get to fuck.

Ah, jointly & severally-that's shit!

I didn't think it would be as simple as paying just half as obviously the full rent is needed, whoever pays it.

It doesn't seem right though that he can't be evicted even though he's not paying.

@abacucat but that's not what you wrote initially - you need to read what you put again. You completely disregarded it and basically said it just means he is difficult and there is nothing else wrong with him. There is usually plenty wrong with people who are diagnosed with BPD, there's a very wide spectrum for it and it's usually an accumulation of other MH especially depression and anxiety mixed in. Just being difficult doesn't get you a bloody diagnosis, it's not that friggin easy

OP you are being totally financially screwed over by Him.

You're treating him like a child and he's therefore behaving like one! He should be cooking his own meals, doing his own washing and ironing, and get a job! (Has he got a job? Presumably not if he sleeps all day and parties all night).

He should be paying for his own phone and Sky. How long is this going to go on? Never mind his Borderline Personality Disorder - he's using this as an excuse to do what he likes!

RudeDS Start doing what you want to do and tell your DS that he has to grow up. You can't force him to claim benefit for his share of the rent though, so it becomes up to you about what you do about that. If you do decide you want him to leave discuss it with your housing officer, I'm certain that they will be sympathetic.

Not working and not sure what benefits he gets but he definitely gets something. He has a phone but I've never paid the bill on it so he must have money from somewhere?

@RudeDS Your last reply shows that you are going to need a complete mind change if this behaviour is not going to continue. There are two adults in the flat, that means that rent is split 50-50. Why should you pick up the extra 25% because you 'can afford it'? He needs to get a job and start contributing properly. Give him 3 months to get his life sorted and then payments will commence - and that is being generous. This is going to require strength and resolve from you - he is not going to like it at all...

You are been too soft. Does not matter how much you earn you both pay 50% each!

What does he spend his money on?

I don't know. He doesn't seem to have drug problems (I'd kick him out if he did as I don't want my GD around it) or alcohol problems, so apart from his phone there seems to be nothing he spends it on, although he has a playstation or xbox (not sure which but he's always on it when his friends aren't here talking to them) so I assume he might spend some money on that.

My b'n'law has borderline personality disorder - he not only supports his own family but he also supports his parents. But that said everyone's mental health issues are different.
A parenting coach once said to me when I complained that my son treated me like a slave...she told me that he was treating me like a slave because I was acting like one.
Please speak to your doctor as you need support and professional advice. Borderline personality can be tricky.