To stop doing anything for my son?

[RudeDS]

Adult Son aged 25 lives with me. Pays no rent, no bills and has 24/7 access to broadband, Sky TV in his room (paid for by me) and invites his friends round as and when he wants. I also make all his meals for him.

He has borderline personality disorder so not sure if it’s part of his condition. Earlier this year I went on holiday for 2 weeks, I asked him to feed the cats – I left enough food for 3 weeks plus money in case he ran out (expected him to use it on himself). He refused to feed them, saying he wouldn’t know what to do put a pouch in the bowl and top up the water, not difficult. Thankfully my DD whose older than him was available and fed them for me, but he then moaned when DD took the £20 I’d left and bought a magazine and a bar of chocolate for herself and a cheap £1 DVD for her DD. He also complained that she bought her then 2 year old with her as she apparently makes too much noise when he’s trying to sleep (she’s now 3 and is a happy girl, who has problems communicating so does get overexcited and squeal or shout random things when she’s very happy – I love it but Son says it’s annoying and she needs to be quiet).

He sleeps all day and then is up all night. Complains when GD comes over but invites his friends over from 10pm onwards when I have to be up for work the next day – I never complain.

Yesterday I saw some new pieces of furniture I wanted – a chest of drawers and a new toy box for my GDs toys (she has a box of toys at my house). I rang my son asking if he would help me carry the furniture up from my car to our flat (we live in a block, we’re on the 1st floor – 1 set of stairs so not far at all). He shouted down the phone that I’d woken him up, that it was the middle of the night for him and we shouldn’t be encouraging my GD to want to come to my house anyway as his sister (my DD) already doesn’t look after her often as it is* so no he won’t help me and then hung up on me.

I cried having him be so rude to me. I do so much for him and he can’t help me do one small thing.

So I’ve done nothing for him – not put his clothes that are in the basket in the washing machine, only cooked food for myself, and have text my DD to say I’ll go pick GD up from Nursery at 3pm.

AIBU? Or too harsh due to his disorder meaning he was always going to be so rude to me?

*My DD is 27, is a single parent to GD aged 3. DD works 3 days a week so GD is in Nursery, but to make the days shorter for GD I pick her up on 1 or 2 of those days and take her to mine. I also cook a Sunday dinner every Sunday for DD and EO Sunday for GD and they eat this at my house. My DD is a brilliant parent, GD has SN (as said previously) but tries her hardest to be polite and is a happy child – all the reports from her Nursery describe her as a contented, well liked child and I know that’s due to my DD who has a firm but fair attitude to parenting and does pull GD up on her bad behaviour while taking into consideration her SN. DD picks GD up from me and if I ever can’t pick GD up she gets her herself and never asks me to babysit or do extra childcare than what I offer. And DD helps me with Sunday dinner, either by providing a pudding or by cooking it herself at my house while I play with my GD and chat to my dad who also comes.

[liguana]

Working in mental health, can I just say that BPD is NOT a 'dustbin diagnosis'

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

You've raised a selfish, lazy individual.

I'm 25 and have paid my bills since getting a job in my teens. My parents made un contribute. I'm now married, working and a mum and never ask my parents for any money.

It's disgusting that you think this is acceptable.

[Rattymare]

My DS was exactly like this too. I kicked him out after years of abuse from him and it was the best thing I could have done for both of us. He would never have changed and I would have had a nervous breakdown.

[abacucat]

liguana I work in mental health too. Not sure what exactly you do, because many psychiatrists do regard it as a dustbin diagnosis.

[Raspberry10]

You sound very kind, but this is where you’re heading. My in laws have a son who is exactly the same still at home. He’s now 32, never worked, doesn’t drive, never paid a bill, can’t cook, I doubt he’s ever done a weekly shop at a supermarket. He talks to them with no respect whatsoever and makes their lives miserable. They are now retired and are now paying for everything for the cocklodger because it’s ‘too hard’ for him to sign on for JSA, i.e actually look for a job.

You are not doing your son any favours, he’s not learning to be an adult or how to function. What do you think will happen when you retire, still pay for everything? Or when you die? Are you expecting your daughter to carry on looking after him? Stop treating him like he’s twelve, he’s a grown man.

[Magicpaintbrush]

How dare he treat you like that! You're his mother. not his servant!! The sheer cheek of him is off the scale. He sounds lazy, rude and incredibly ungrateful. Do nothing more for him - not one thing. He can wash his own clothes, prepare his own meals and don't give him another penny. He is taking the absolute piss. It's time he grew up.

[Yorkshirepudding1987]

If you're both named on the tenancy as joint tenants, he is liable for 50% of the rent. If he is claiming ESA he needs to apply for UC housing costs for his 50% or Housing Benefit if you aren't in a UC area.

I know that isn't what you asked but he is really taking the piss here.

[diddl]

I don't think that you've been too harsh at all.

He does absolutely nothing even though he doesn't work & he wouldn't help you carry some furniture.

That is just disgusting.

[stabulous]

Your son is a selfish wanker. BPD isn't the issue here. Time to make him leave and learn how to be a grownup.

[Letshopeitsallok]

Change the WiFi password. He can have it back when he’s contributed cash and chores to the running of the household. If he doesn’t like it then I’m sure his mates would just LOVE to put him up!

[ChristmasRaven]

My DD has BPD and semi lives with her partner but does stay here during the week quite often. She does her own washing and cooks for herself, buys her own food. Sometimes I'll make her dinner, sometimes she makes me dinner. She helps me round the house etc. She goes out and picks up shopping for me. His disorder is no excuse. You are absolutely doing the right thing to stop doing things for him. He's been taking you for granted and he needs to learn.

[OhMyGodIKnowHim]

Tell him to get out now.
Change the wifi password, don't cook, clean his clothes etc etc.
Give him a couple of weeks to sort somewhere then pack his shit.
Jeez - I can't believe he is treating you like this. You wouldn't accept this from any other man - so don't accept it from your grown ass son!

[justilou1]

Do you understand about Borderline Personality Disorder and why he has it? If you don't, you need to find out now. Right now. You have made him what he is. You need to get out or get him out immediately or this cycle is going to go on for ever and ever until you die.

[recklessruby]

I live with both my adult dc and my son has MH problems but both work and contribute to the house.
My son was like yours in his sleeping pattern when he was very depressed but he didn't have friends over (no energy) or shout abuse at me. I think your son is playing on his illness knowing you don't want to rock the boat.
He will turn that sleep pattern round if he actually gets a job (my son started part time at first, they know about his MH).
Sitting at home is doing neither of You any good.

[TheChickenOfTruth]

I have emotionally unstable personality disorder (other name for borderline personality disorder) - basically (for me at least) it just means that I'm unable to regulate my emotions, so if something makes me sad I can't "cheer up" and will sink into depression for weeks; anxiety or anger can cause me to have panic attacks where I can't breathe and want to self harm (I usually don't, but I'll have an elevated heart rate and won't sleep for days). So I'm in control of my own actions but not my reactions (emotions), if that makes sense. I've never missed work for mental health reasons and I work hard to make sure other people's lives aren't affected too much by my lack of emotional regulation.

Your son is just a dickhead. Don't let him excuse his behaviour - he could take control if he really wanted to in my opinion. I think you should withdraw all support with chores, then finances and work up to kicking him out; and start doing the things which make you happy, like taking care of your granddaughter. If he doesn't like it he can leave.

[mummmy2017]

Call sky and cancel it.
Cut the Internet off as well...
Use your phone instead.
Stop enabling this monster.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds as though you can’t throw him out. Therefore I would cut everything back to the bone. No sky, cleaning and washing etc. He can pay for his own everything including food tbh. He gets benefits. Then I would plan your escape from this situation.

He’s using his BPD and I would have thought he could work nights seeing as those are his days. Bet he just doesn’t want to do it for the peanuts it would pay and is happy to sponge off you.

Reading back what so many others have said, I agree you are in an abusive relationship. It’s just with your son, not partner.

Were you to go into private rented accommodation, you’d be quids in even if you had to pay a higher rent.

[jessstan2]

I feel for you.
My son lived off us for a few years, said he was sorting out his career! Husband and I wondered where it would all end.

However he is now a brilliant and successful musician. Well known and respected in the industry.

So it worked out OK in the end.

Hope all works out for your son .

[pumpastrotter]

@abacucat It is often given to people who have a difficult personality, but there is nothing else actually wrong with them.
wtaf, and you work in mental health?? I think you need a career change... BPD is almost always a co-morbid MH issue and it's usually a response to a traumatic childhood, so no, there's usually a lot wrong What a fucking imbecilic, ignorant thing to say.

And OP, your son is being a waster and sorry but you've enabled this behaviour. BPD can make people difficult and overly sensitive, but it doesn't make them lazy, abusive and parasitic - exactly what your son is. I would stop doing everything for him, cut the sky from his room, stop allowing to bring people into your home so much. Does he drink/do drugs? Does he have therapy or take medication?

[defectiveinspector]

Who advised you to become a joint tenant with your son? Was it the Council? You should have been the tenant with your son as a non dependent. Yorkshire Pudding is right, he needs to claim housing benefit for his share of the rent. You need to ask him to do this and if he won't then decide if you want him to leave. If you do want him to leave then speak to your housing officer about registering your son for his own flat. Explain that you never wanted him on the tenancy but were advised to do this. When he leaves you can have the tenancy assigned to your sole name. This will mean that you are under occupying, but as you're working and already paying the whole rent that shouldn't be a problem. All this though is very dependent on where in the country you are and specific policies, demand for housing etc. If you were one of my tenants I would support you to move him out.

[Wordthe]

I think this is a pivotal moment he is trying to escalate his dominance and control in the household

you need to put your foot down and have very firm boundaries, if you don't he will take the reins and you will never get them back

I would say don't explode or lose your temper or get emotional be calm but firm and clear
You are the adult you are the head of the household here, stop working for him you are the master don't be the slave
don't let him take over
If he wants to be the boss he'll have to move out have his own household earn his own money

[Yohooo]

It will only get worse if you carry on ignoring this problem.

You have to do something about it. You can do something major like moving out or you can take some small steps while you are thinking about it. You need to stop doing his housework for him. That means no cooking, no shopping, no cleaning and no laundry.
You also need to tell his friends to piss off. Why should you be kept awake by them.
I'd also cut the internet and sky. You can use the money to get a decent all-you-can-eat phone data plan instead. Get a chrome cast for your tv then you can still watch what you want

You are behaving like a mug (Sorry) and enabling his awful behaviour. You need to stop for both of your sakes.

Good luck. I know all of this is easier said than done.

[anonymousbird]

Crikey, I thought you were going to say he was 13 or something!

I have this with my early teen (even then only to a degree in comparison!).

I don't know what to advise other than something has to change, and he should be able to live independently.

[sherrysfortea]

Sorry OP you've made him this way

There is absolutely no reason that a 25 year old should be having their mother cook their meals or do their laundry

[abacucat]

Yes it can be a response to a traumatic childhood, but no this is not in itself a mental health diagnosis. It is a dustbin diagnosis in that it means your personality or aspects of it are difficult. This can happen for a wide variety of reasons.
Whereas mental health problems like bipolar can not be cured, can be managed well, but seem to have a large genetic basis.
Its like people can be depressed because of bereavement - perfectly natural reaction and should not be medicalised.
And lots of people with serious mental health problems work.