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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop doing anything for my son?

116 replies

RudeDS · 11/12/2018 11:46

Adult Son aged 25 lives with me. Pays no rent, no bills and has 24/7 access to broadband, Sky TV in his room (paid for by me) and invites his friends round as and when he wants. I also make all his meals for him.

He has borderline personality disorder so not sure if it’s part of his condition. Earlier this year I went on holiday for 2 weeks, I asked him to feed the cats – I left enough food for 3 weeks plus money in case he ran out (expected him to use it on himself). He refused to feed them, saying he wouldn’t know what to do put a pouch in the bowl and top up the water, not difficult. Thankfully my DD whose older than him was available and fed them for me, but he then moaned when DD took the £20 I’d left and bought a magazine and a bar of chocolate for herself and a cheap £1 DVD for her DD. He also complained that she bought her then 2 year old with her as she apparently makes too much noise when he’s trying to sleep (she’s now 3 and is a happy girl, who has problems communicating so does get overexcited and squeal or shout random things when she’s very happy – I love it but Son says it’s annoying and she needs to be quiet).

He sleeps all day and then is up all night. Complains when GD comes over but invites his friends over from 10pm onwards when I have to be up for work the next day – I never complain.

Yesterday I saw some new pieces of furniture I wanted – a chest of drawers and a new toy box for my GDs toys (she has a box of toys at my house). I rang my son asking if he would help me carry the furniture up from my car to our flat (we live in a block, we’re on the 1st floor – 1 set of stairs so not far at all). He shouted down the phone that I’d woken him up, that it was the middle of the night for him and we shouldn’t be encouraging my GD to want to come to my house anyway as his sister (my DD) already doesn’t look after her often as it is* so no he won’t help me and then hung up on me.

I cried having him be so rude to me. I do so much for him and he can’t help me do one small thing.

So I’ve done nothing for him – not put his clothes that are in the basket in the washing machine, only cooked food for myself, and have text my DD to say I’ll go pick GD up from Nursery at 3pm.

AIBU? Or too harsh due to his disorder meaning he was always going to be so rude to me?

*My DD is 27, is a single parent to GD aged 3. DD works 3 days a week so GD is in Nursery, but to make the days shorter for GD I pick her up on 1 or 2 of those days and take her to mine. I also cook a Sunday dinner every Sunday for DD and EO Sunday for GD and they eat this at my house. My DD is a brilliant parent, GD has SN (as said previously) but tries her hardest to be polite and is a happy child – all the reports from her Nursery describe her as a contented, well liked child and I know that’s due to my DD who has a firm but fair attitude to parenting and does pull GD up on her bad behaviour while taking into consideration her SN. DD picks GD up from me and if I ever can’t pick GD up she gets her herself and never asks me to babysit or do extra childcare than what I offer. And DD helps me with Sunday dinner, either by providing a pudding or by cooking it herself at my house while I play with my GD and chat to my dad who also comes.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/12/2018 12:15

I think you have built a rod for your own back by letting him get away with things for too long and doing everything for him. He’s got everything he needs and more, never has to cook or provide for himself, doing what ever he likes whenever he likes. The only way to put a end to it is to kick him out so he has to fend for himself. My kids are 12 and 15, both have ASD, eldest has some mental health issues, the cook dinner once a week, friends are allowed over if I say so and they both know how to feed the cat and dog.

Original poster
RudeDS · 11/12/2018 12:17

Letters from the council about the rent or repairs come addressed to both of us, he signed the contract as well as me when we moved in 3 years ago.

OP posts:
RoboticMary · 11/12/2018 12:17

You say you’d never open his mail - I bloody well would! If he were my son, living rent-free in my home, doing nothing all day and treating me like dirt, I’d sure as hell find out where his money was coming from and want to know why I never saw any of it. Everything that goes on in my house is my business - if he wants privacy he can damn well pay for the privilege.

OP, you must be cruel to be kind. You’ve made him this way, thinking you were doing the right thing, the loving thing, and providing him with a cosy nest. But how can children ever be happy if parents don’t teach them how to fly from it?

icouldwriteabook · 11/12/2018 12:18

I feel really bad for you7 P. clearly youre a loving mother and grandmother but sorry to sound harsh- you are allowing this behavior.

if you re read your thread and ask yourself how you would react if it was your DD telling you the same story.

family/blood or not, he is abusing you. emotionally, finically and clearly trying to drive a wedge between you and your DD/GD, probably through jealousy.

his disorder if he has one, has nothing to do with the pure laziness, nastiness and entitled attitude he is showing. please stand up for yourself and speak to the council about your rights if he is named on the tenancy, and what you can do to 'help' him be on his way out of your property.

you will end up living like a prisoner, your raised him for the past 25 years and now is your time to live your life, you can still be a supportive mother as you've proved to your DD, without him literally sucking the life and money off you.

I hope you can stand up for yourself and take the plunge, it will not reflect you as a mother, it will improve your life Flowers

brizzledrizzle · 11/12/2018 12:19

Time for him to move out. There are people out there with mental health issues who are managing to hold down a job and raise a family. You owe it yourself to have a better quality of life and you owe it to your son as he has to learn some independence starting now - he's not living the life he could live and neither are you Flowers

abacucat · 11/12/2018 12:19

Borderline personality disorder is a dustbin diagnosis. It is often given to people who have a difficult personality, but there is nothing else actually wrong with them. Do not excuse his behaviour because of this diagnosis.

Horrordoeurvres · 11/12/2018 12:19

You are doing him no favours by continuing to baby him, he's an adult, he should respect you and your home. Stop doing everything for him - stop feeding him, cleaning up after him and paying for him. Change your WIFI password, cut his sky and have a serious conversation about equal contribution to the household or he's out on his ass.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/12/2018 12:20

How in the name of all that's holy is he eligible for benefits??

I never complain. Time to start.

AdamNichol · 11/12/2018 12:21

Kick him out and make him take responsibility for his life. You are currently making his PD ok, and unchallenged.
He can sofa surf with friends until he gets himself sorted. In the meanwhile, you can work on being sure DD and GD actually feel equally valued, not just skivvys for him in your absence.

abacucat · 11/12/2018 12:23

charlotte He won't be eligible. I know several adult sons living at home and living like this. None of them sign on as they won't do what is necessary i.e. actually look for a job.

gamerchick · 11/12/2018 12:23

How in the name of all that's holy is he eligible for benefits??

You can get the top rate of ESA with bpd.

Original poster
RudeDS · 11/12/2018 12:23

My DD is lovely, and is always telling me how much she appreciates what I do for her, so don't think she feels undervalued. Son says I do too much for DD, says she needs to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for her own child.

OP posts:
headinhands · 11/12/2018 12:25

Son says I do too much for DD, says she needs to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for her own child.

Oh the irony. He's going to say anything, even very nasty things, to keep his life as sweet as it is.

lilyblue5 · 11/12/2018 12:25

YANBU.
Time for him to move out!

diddl · 11/12/2018 12:25

"says she needs to stand on her own two feet "

Like he does??

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 11/12/2018 12:25

My DD has BPD/EUPD, every person is an individual and their mental health issues will also have some unique elements. however there is absolutely nothing about BPD that would prevent your DS from feeding your cat. He has a very unhealthy lifestyle and sleep routine, he isn't sleeping all day because of depressive moods as he is up all night with his friends having a great time.

A extreme anger response to insignificant things can often be prevalent to this condition but is he engaging in any kind of professional support to help him understand his emotions and how to manage them?

Many people with this condition live healthy, productive, independent lives and do not sponge off and exploit their parents goodwill.

It is a condition that does have a particularly high incidence of self harm and suicide but this should not ever be a reason that he is able to play on your fears and manipulate you into allowing him to behave like an entitled, selfish, dick head.

He needs to engage with mental health professionals, get a job and get his own place, pronto. He is a 25 year old man that needs to grow up and live in the real world (as tough as it is), why is he not paying you rent? life costs money and he needs to understand this. In the interim stop cooking his meals, restrict his broadband usage to daytime only so he can look for a job, cut his sky package off, and ban his all night get togethers with his friends in your house. If you do nothing this behaviour will continue indefinitely.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 11/12/2018 12:26

Don’t you find it strange that his personality disorder only seems to be aimed at you and his sister, and but his mates who are happy to come and doss with him. He’s working a right little number on you to get an easy life.

Wordthe · 11/12/2018 12:26

Just for the sake of clarity a cocklodger is a man who lives with a woman and contributes nothing except for providing her with sex, so he's like a lodger who thinks that is cock is enough to pay the rent with

This woman's son is not cock lodging he's just a freeloader

JellyBaby666 · 11/12/2018 12:26

OP, you sound loving and generous but he is taking you for a ride. It is YOUR home too, parent him and set some rules such as no friends coming over after a certain time, going to bed and getting up at a reasonable time, certain jobs to do around the house if he isn't working such as his OWN laundry. He's 27 not 7, he needs to learn to adult.

He has BPD and it must be a challenge, but that isn't an excuse for all his behaviour and for him to make you feel like you can't have your GD over! Come on. You must know you are DEFINITELY not BU!

RoboticMary · 11/12/2018 12:26

He should keep his mouth shut and look to himself. Hypocrisy or what?

winkingdemon · 11/12/2018 12:27

I suffer with BPD so can offer some insight on that.
I have a tendency to strop and have mood swings if I keep things to myself etc or am struggling, but from the sounds of it he’s taking the piss! I’ve never had any problems paying my way or doing things for myself so using his BPD as an excuse is unacceptable in my opinion.

I would encourage him to seek some help for his sleeping problems and some therapy and/or anger management through the GP.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, OP, but as someone with the same MH issues as your son (more or less) I don’t think it’s a valid excuse for him being lazy and nasty.

Original poster
RudeDS · 11/12/2018 12:28

He sees a therapist occasionally, and says he's on tablets but the tablets don't work.

He's not paying rent as he says he has no money, I only know he's getting some sort of benefit as the letters come in brown envelopes with the DWP address on the back.

OP posts:
Thehop · 11/12/2018 12:28

Can you get some advice from the council about how to kick him out?

brizzledrizzle · 11/12/2018 12:28

Son says I do too much for DD, says she needs to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for her own child.

Remind him that she is taking responsibility for her child. That's a responsibility that ends when they are an adult because your DD doesn't want the child becoming a selfish, entitled, inconsiderate adult.

MrsArthurShappey · 11/12/2018 12:29

all the reports from her Nursery describe her as a contented, well liked child and I know that’s due to my DD who has a firm but fair attitude to parenting and does pull GD up on her bad behaviour while taking into consideration her SN

Your DD sounds like she's doing great. I think you need to take a leaf out of her book xxx

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