To ask for help with DDs weight :(

[feelinglikeashitmum]

Have posted in AIBU for traffic
Have just received a letter from the NHS regarding my DDs weight. She's chubby but they say she is 'very overweight'
How do I broach this with her without upsetting her? I've been trying to curb her constant appetite and laziness but she's been rather difficult. I feel like the worst mum in the world right now and am crying at the thought of her being bullied for her weight at high school like I was. She's ALWAYS hungry and when I mention exercise she says 'you think I'm fat don't you mummy'
Has anyone got any tips? I'm determined to get her to a healthy weight before she starts high school next September - preferably a lot sooner. She's 10. Thanks in advance x

I put on weight when I was 10-11. Looking back it was a normal pre-puberty weight gain, but my parents' reaction was the main contributor in the eating disorders I developed. I advise you to be very careful. When you write I'm determined to get her to a healthy weight before she starts high school next September - preferably a lot sooner., it scares me a little.

Is she really hungry or just bored? Is she eating enough protein?
When you mention exercise, is it in relation to her appearance, or do you try to adopt a more active lifestyle for the whole family?

Don't mention food or exercise. Make sure you give her good healthy meals and have healthy snacks in for when she is hungry. Instead of exercise do active things as a family, go walking, swimming or cycling.

What does she eat in a typical day? And how much exercise does she do?

Make it so eating well and “exercise” are just normal in the house. Don’t buy excessive amounts of snack foods. Walk when you can. Arrange day trips to do active things.

Don’t make it is issue just tackle the health side subtly

That must be a hard letter to receive.

The difference I see between my dd and her overweight friends is mostly in what I have in the house. I don’t buy biscuits, squash, chocolate, crisps etc. She gets these things at parties, with granny etc, but the standard snack at home is something from the fruit bowl and / or a glass of milk (though at 10yo, she now prefers herbal tea).

The other thing that I notice is that I really try hard not to use food as a reward or a treat, and I do encourage her to think about whether she’s bored or thirsty rather than hungry.

Are those things you might be able to change without making your dd feel bad about herself? You could talk about being healthier as a family, that you want to only snack on fruit (which in effect means less snacking, as it’s less attractive than crisps etc), to drink more water, to reward yourself with a new book / top / whatever you like rather than with food.

Get a set of kitchen scales and read up and find out what child and adult portions should actually be and look like. You will probably be amazed how wrong most people are about what constitutes a portion. Secondly don't buy the crap about not setting limits on food for fear of children developing eating disorders etc. The biggest and most deadly eating we face today is obesity and overeating is the most common version of disordered eating. Sort out the diet, sort out the extra weight and the e cercuse will come when your daughter is back to a normal weight. You cannot outrun a bad diet. Good luck x

Have the local authorities got any programmes running for overweight children? Or I believe children can attend Slimming World with a parent which could be a project you do together if you are overweight?

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to discuss this and state very calmly that yes, she is a bit overweight and it would be more healthy to be slimmer. But you have to model healthy habits yourself. That means not having crisps, biscuits etc in the house and everyone moving more.

Could you work on excercise without it being in any way tied to her weight or appearance? If she mentions you thinking she’s fat say ‘of course not, but everyone should do excercise regardless of their size because it’s good for us and makes us feel good’. And you could build it into her routine without it being a big deal that it’s all about exercise - family walks, Saturday swimming, parkrun, a cycle to somewhere pretty. Make it a fun thing in and of itself, not just as a means to an end.

Does she do any activity, like swimming, karate, trampolining or dancing? Maybe you could get her interested in something like that. Ask her if she wants to try something new. Try and walk more, borrow a dog and take it for walks together, volunteer to walk shelter dogs. Do you have a wii? Get the just dance games and have a dance off every weekend.
You should have a look at the meals you eat as a family and try to make them healthier and get healthy snacks in. Talk to her about healthy eating and try to involve her in picking out some new healthy recipes and make them together. Tell her that you all could do with eating better eg more fruit and vegetables to get healthy and strong. It's not going to do anyone any harm.
I'm assuming you don't do these things already, appreciate you could already be doing some or all.
Don't tell her she needs to lose weight, just try to have more active fun (easier said than done especially at this time of year I know) and try to get her involved in food prep/cooking and making healthy food choices.

I think you should mention food and exercise.
I think it’s fine to stress that if we want to be healthy, we need to eat well and exercise.talk about good health and nutrition and About vitamins and being active.
Educate your dc and encourage a more positive outlook to life.
Go out for walks and bike rides. Go swimming together and just be more active.
Make healthy meals and snacks and cut out the crap.

Don't address it as you are overweight or fat - more let's get out more and eat healthier. Nothing to do with looks or self worth!
Review what you keep in the cupboards and think about having better snack options and make sure you always have fruit out on the side. (We eat loads more when we see its there and less likely to reach for the unhealthy snacks!)
Plan some fun activities that are actually active. Swimming, cycling, are you near a snowdome - lots of fun! Ice skating etc
Telling someone they are overweight and need to go on a diet (not that you would do this) is terrible and a road to nowhere - we all know its a lifestyle thing so make it that and be kind to her and yourself!

You need to tell us what she eats.

I would be 99% confident your portion sizes are way too large, Just give her less and have no rubbish snacks in the house

What does she eat?

Why do you need to say anything to her? She's 10. Just serve her healthier food, kick her outside to play more and maybe sign her up for an active activity. It will come off.

Also once you have read up around portions and average calories for your child's height and weight remember that those guidelines are for weight maintenance and normal development. She will need to cut down further to actually lose weight. Honestly check your portions and cut out snacks. There is no need for them if they are eating a healthy diet and children should be allowed to feel a little hungry between meals and realise that it is normal and healthy to do so.

It takes a long slow approach to bring a child's weight down and establish new, better habits. We didn't really manage it until DD herself was very much on board with it. She was an overweight and permanently hungry 10-year-old and is now a slim 17-year-old.

A few things that helped:
Change4life ran a local programme for 'children who are not as fit as they'd like' (to which you could only be referred if they were overweight). Given a chance to play sports quite hard with other equally crap children, she got a couple of hours of good breathless fun each week. They also got the children to set their own eating and exercise challenge each week (plus one for the parents, which she was merciless about monitoring).

We talked about eating 'the right amount for your age' rather than just less. Our oldest child was very underweight at the time, so this meant we could be consistent.

She was an avid baker, but we steered it gradually into other cooking, not just cake.

She had some physical difficulties in running/jumping which put her off -- if your child has anything similar going on, get to a physio! It was a virtuous circle as straightening a dodgy joint let her exercise more, which took some weight off and lessened the strain on the joint, so she could exercise more...

And finally, she found some sports and outdoor things she loved. We tried all sorts - horse riding, gardening, cycling, rowing, canoeing, hula hooping, geocaching, dogwalking, skipping never again. (I've only just realised that that also meant I've spent many fun hours in her company through her teenage years doing things I'm laughably crap at, and it's probably part of the reason we are close.)

I’ve had to do this with my 10 year old DS this year. He broke his arm in Summer and missed 8 weeks of exercise. He has a big appetite. We’ve had a stressful year and I didn’t notice how much weight he had stacked on til we went on holiday. He has lost a stone since September, about a pound a week or just under. Slow and steady. I did have a gentle talk with him about the fact it’s important to be healthy and eat the right things plus exercise and that we would do it together. I set him a target of a stone by Xmas with the reward of a phone if he managed it.
I put him on packed lunches so I knew what he was eating and made them myself.
I started measuring out his portion sizes at dinner time - it was a bit of a shock to the system! Now I make sure he has half a plate of veg plus some good protein and have reduced his carbs.
I have changed his snacking habits and it’s fruit with yoghurt or veg sticks/hummus if he’s hungry. I don’t buy crisps/biscuits.
We have also got a dog and we take him for a 30 min walk every day.
He actually isn’t a healthy BMI yet but is very close, just a few more pounds BUT if I can maintain him at this weight for a little longer he will grow into it. It was a wake up call for me to realise I needed to get a handle on it because I was responsible for him. My mum always told me I was too fat as a child but expected me to sort myself out and never helped me understand how to do it. I’ve always been overweight myself. Since January I’ve lost 3 stone as well. We do it together.

So you are overweight too? As you say you were bullied at school.

If so it’s your whole families diet that needs an overhaul.

Shop online. Then you can’t pick up treats or more than you intended. Shop a few days before, then go back and edit your basket so you don’t over order.

Don’t ban sweets etc, but don’t buy them. If anyone fancies crisps or a coke, they walk to the shop.

What activities does she do? I’d sign her up for swimming at the very least, plus dance, trampolining, martial arts, brownies, dog walking, cheerleading, triathlon, cycling, park run , whatever it takes to get her active at least 4 times a week. Start with swimming and one other, then add or swap. Plans to go on walks etc are all well and good, but it’s getting cold and muddy- if she has a class it’s much easier, especially if it’s indoor!

We decided to take action as a family around DD's weight. She did that thing where she has tracked on the 91st centile since birth...but when you turn 5 you go from no problems by centile to boarder line obese by BMI over night. Its bonkers, but at the end of the day she WAS chubby, so fair enough.

We didn't tell her anything, we just altered our eating and exercise pattern as a family and she is now in the middle of the BMI graph. Its taken a few years to get there as we did the changes slowly.

But she is fitter and a normal BMI now.

My dd3 is 8 and has a serious tubby belly. I find it hard to say no to snacks when she's complaining she's "starving" She'll have a bit fruit then say she's still hungry. I know most of the time it's not hunger because she can say it 20 mins after dinner too. But I'm always worried she really is hungry. Dd1 eats very very little (v v fussy) and I've always praised dd3 for eating so well and I think I've just went too far with it. It's so difficult finding the fine line.

Don't look at "dieting" so much as a healthy relationship with food, and don't think about losing weight so much as looking after our bodies because they're wonderful and deserve to be treated nicely with things that make us feel good. It's about recognising that it's not meant to be a punishment that you have to endure in order to be acceptable, it's about honouring yourself and being good to yourself.

Do it a bit at a time.

Tonight, can you get out for a long walk locally and award marks out of ten for crap Christmas decorations?

This weekend, can you find something like an ice rink to try?

Are you overweight OP? Do you have a snack cupboard?
Best way for her to learn good eating habits is by example. I would be more focused on diet than exercise at this stage

Exercise is good but the most important thing to address is food.

This may not be a popular view, but I think if you have lots of treats at home they will get eaten. So I would not keep any snacks or sweets at home. Sugary drinks are another huge source of calories. In our house it’s water or herbal tea. Hot chocolate is a weekend treat.