To ask for help with DDs weight :(

[feelinglikeashitmum]

Have posted in AIBU for traffic
Have just received a letter from the NHS regarding my DDs weight. She's chubby but they say she is 'very overweight'
How do I broach this with her without upsetting her? I've been trying to curb her constant appetite and laziness but she's been rather difficult. I feel like the worst mum in the world right now and am crying at the thought of her being bullied for her weight at high school like I was. She's ALWAYS hungry and when I mention exercise she says 'you think I'm fat don't you mummy'
Has anyone got any tips? I'm determined to get her to a healthy weight before she starts high school next September - preferably a lot sooner. She's 10. Thanks in advance x

What do you think the problem or problems is/are? It sounds like you areIs it that she’s very inactive? If so, what exercise do you do together - it sounds like you’re very fit? Is her weakness sugary snacks, or takeaways, or fizzy drinks (or all of the above)? If so, where does she get those things from?

Sorry - that second sentence was meant to say - ‘it sounds like you’re very health conscious.’

Can you give us some idea of what foods she likes best?

My advice would be to make a few tweaks to your DDs diet, rather than being too drastic. It’s ok to say no to a request for a snack if it’s within 30 minutes of a meal.My adult DCs stomped off all the time as teens (‘it’s soooo unfair!’) when I told them no and it hasn’t damaged them in any way.

As an overweight mum whose mum made food an issue, do this indirectly. Don't talk to her about it, just reorganise your life and diet to work better for her.

You could get a step monitoring device and compare notes- just for fun. Make a game of it- let's see which day is the busiest, let's see who can get to 10,000 quickest etc.

Remove processed food from her diet- it's stimulates the appetite and leaves you feeling hungrier, IME.
Add luxury whole foods like cream, in small quantities, so she feels she has treats. I love porridge made with water and served with a blob of cream- it's so decadent tasting, but not unhealthy.

Let her be interested in food- cook with her. There is nothing like cooking jam or brownies to help you realise that they are hugely calorific, and a tiny amount is enough.

Don't be scared of being hungry. That's something the 5:2 taught me (not that in any way fasting is appropriate for growing children btw).

But feeling hungry is perfectly natural, and indeed should be expected!

How do you approach it?
I would say, to start with, NOT by telling her she is too chubby. And not by basically saying/thinking it’s all her fault for been greedy and lazy.

But by talking about what a good diet is. By showing her how to eat (aka no junk food in the house etc etc. Your diet needs to demonstrate to her what IS a good diet)
But knowing yourself what a good diet is. Have a look at the BANT website, they have a lovely info graphic about it.
By doing some exercise with her and asking her away from screens.
By ensuring that you only have healthy foods in the house. No crisps and biscuits and cakes.
And by having PLENTY of vegetables at every meal.

And if, after a few months you see that she isn’t getting leaner, by going to see a nutritionist or dietician so THEY can explain to her how to eat. Your GP should be able to refer her too.

My dd was like this around puberty time, a certain amount of puppy fat is to be expected.
However, as it persisted I looked at her diet and cooked healthier meals, bought fewer snacks and we don't eat processed food or ready made meals.
This with a small amount of added activity saw the extra weight go within 6 months, so it was a gradual loss.
Look at her meals and portion size first, then assess how much junk she eats, and take it from there.
You needn't even mention her weight, just tell her the whole family will be eating better in the NY, tell a white lie that it's your NY resolution.

I've tried quite a few of the tips above for one of mine, including steps counter which we did together, encouraging more exercise/clubs, teaching about a balanced plate and so on, the most important change has been my dd herself deciding that hard choices had to be made and you just eat ice cream/pasta/carby things, you will be overweight.

I don't think restricting diet is the way to go at this age, the hospital told us to keep everything steady and she'd grow up and out of it, providing healthy food, allowing treats but being aware of the consequences- ultimately all you can do is provide the tools for them to make the connection between feeling good, eating healthily and size. If they want to start secretly mainlining calories on the way home from secondary, they will which is why it's important it's a conversation for everyone and not imposed from above/calorie restriction at home as teens can circumvent that if they want.

I think being active will help with her weight as well as being a massive benefit for her health overall. Could you get her a fitness tracker for Christmas? I think children are supposed to walk 15k steps a day, this way you could see how her activity levels are and how much you need to work on them? How far can she run? Could you start running with her? Find a junior or regular park run?
Mine have all been chubby under 3 but slimed our as they got older. We are very active as a family. So many families I know seem to spend most of their time in doors. My eldest who is a little younger than yours does football , tennis, swimming and rugby. We go for a long walk or bike ride every weekend as a family. We sometimes do park run or junior park run together.
We eat lots of fruit and veg but actually our diets aren’t great, we eat too many crisps and biscuits but we are all slim.

Btw, exercise has been proven to make no difference in loosing weight in adults. It has been shown to help MAINTAINING the weight loss.. so exercise is probably not your first port of call there.

Also as a child, she shouldn’t be loosing weight. She should be staying at the same weight whilst she is growing (and thereby getting leaner/thinner).

It’s not about a quick fix so she can loose 10 pounds and thenyou dint talk about it anymore. There is no quick fix but teachingher how to eat well FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE

I wouldn’t mention the letter to her, as it might not help her and might make her feel like eating more! I’d make changes at home, and say that you want the whole family to be a bit healthier.

I’d give filling meals with both protein and veg at each meal. Eg So instead of a large portion of pasta and pesto, I’d give a smaller amount of pasta, but with chicken and some broccoli.

Keep a selection of cut up fruit and veg out in the kitchen all day that she can help herself to whenever she wants. If she really complains she’s hungry, then a proper snack of hummous and carrots, or cheese and crackers, and then that’s it for the day. She can’t then complain she’s hungry if she’s had filling food.

Buy her a couple of nice water bottles she can use to have water in at home.

You can do this.

Take away is awful for calories and massive portions but it's easy done so when it does happen try and be the one that orders, no need for naan bread, get boiled rice to share instead of fried. Tomatoes based sauce instead of cream but just avoid all of you can

Make dinners super healthy and filling stop buying good snacks that's easy to grab calories, veggie sticks in the fridge that are easy to grab or cooked meat/seafood sticks if she really can't wait till dinner

No one needs to snack after dinner before bed

Try and walk with her as much as possible and encourage school dinners instead of packed lunches, it's so hard to fill a healthy yummy packed lunch for a kid without it being so obvious what you've done taking away the cheese, chocolate and crisps

Weighing out cereal to see what a child's portion really looks like and do some sums to see how much she really pours it'll probably be two days worth of sugar (I've done this before with kids) it's always a shocker

I put on weight at the same age, my mum was so conscious of it and made dinners too healthy and bland and I was always starving and never had anything "good" to eat in so as soon as I got cash I would hit the bakers and fill up on tummy things. Then I would go to my dads and binge so be careful how you broach it

Fitbit at Christmas is a great gift though if you both have them and get a bit competitive

What is a typical day's food and drink for her?

‘I'm prepared to be wrong on this but if you have a letter from NHS, would it not be a good idea to show her? If it was any other health condition you would tell her. It's not your judgement on her, it is purely about health.’

Why do you assume that being slightly overweight means that her health isn’t good?

Health is about a lot more than weight. Is she happy? Confident? Does she have friends and a good support system? Is she active? Does she sleep well? Does she eat nourishing food? Is her mental health good?
Are these things not more important than what the scales say?

If it got to a point that her weight was negatively impacting her health then the parent would be right to worry and could look to make some changes to lifestyle. But if she is in good health, why make a few pound of weight a big issue? Especially if it could affect her self-esteem.

That's a good point raisins. She could be thirsty. It can manifest as hunger sometimes. Buying some really nice drinking cups, bottles or glasses and maybe a water filter is a great idea if possible.

I wouldn't mention the letter but try to increase fitness and diet. I wouldn't necessarily take her to slimming world but it's very easy to follow, it's basically 1/3rd plate veg or fruit, lean meats and 5% or less fat mince, potatoes and pasta allowed but limited bread. Homemade sauces instead of jars, I never realised how easily it was so make sauces for things like spag bol and chilli. Bulk up meals with hidden veg.
She might not be happy about changing her diet now but in the future she will be so thankful for it, but make it seem as it's the whole family getting healthier so she doesn't feel singled out.
I would say don't completely remove treats, you can get small chocs like Freddos, curly wurly, baked crisps like hula hoop pufts which are 72cals or small bags of popcorn.

Messy, they've said she's very overweight. Not just a few pounds.

You're in charge of the food.
Use a TDEE calculator to find out what calories your DD should be eating for her age, then reduce appropriately so that she's in a very small deficit.

Take away all crap foods, replace with healthy. Set a meal plan, so that everyday you know what food she is getting that is meeting the calorie goals.
Track this with MyFitnessPal.

Gradually she will lose weight. Her appetite will also get better.

She's gotten into a rhythm of eating regularly and unhealthy, so that's all her body knows and wants.

I'm not a professional, and I would never advise to go into a large deficit, but a very small one can make all the difference.

Does she walk to school at all? If not then this can be a start to exercise.

I have been trying to find out portion sizes for a 10 year old too. What I have found is that main meal: meat/protein should be around the size of the palm of the hand, and that this is around a third of the whole portion. The other two thirds being made up from vegatables and carbohydrate (potato/rice/pasta). I also encouraged to try to aim for as many different fruits/vegatables a day, but don't limit these. Also if saying they are hungry offer / encourage a glass of water before eating any snack as it is more likely they are mis-reading thirst as hunger signs.

Hunger is a problem:
Sometimes hunger can be caused by not drinking enough. (Avoid high sugar drinks though!)

I get hungry when I eat many carbs - cake/biscuits/sweets/bread/rice/pasta/potato
It is odd - they seem to be what is needed but only a short time later I'll crave more.

Increasing good fats and protein and veg has helped solve that for me.

Having fostered an overweight 12 year old and helped her back to a good weight:

We took her to all kinds of interesting active events and found what she was good at. She learnt to skate/horse-ride/play netball/do martial arts/swim and did something active at least once a day. It turned out to be fun and she grew into her weight very quickly.

We talked about healthy eating - not about dieting or slimming.

We didn't have snacks in the house - just bought them occasionally. and enjoyed them all together.

We gave pocket money each week - and doubled it if it was spent on something other than food.

We have a parent group chat for their class and another child in her class has the same letter - same height, 2kg lighter but definitely LOOKS a lot slimmer than my DD.
Thank you all for your advice I will read them later when she's gone to bed - I'm going to hide the letter though I think she'll be heartbroken if I show her

Secondly don't buy the crap about not setting limits on food for fear of children developing eating disorders etc

I'm sorry, but I don't think this is crap at all. I grew up in a house where my mother was very health conscious and cooked fresh food from scratch every day. We were never, ever allowed biscuits, chocolate, fizzy drinks, sweets, mcdonald's etc. This is a massive part of the reason I craved them and mainlined them as soon as I got a bit of independence.

I have only lost weight and kept it off as an adult once I removed restriction from food and gave myself permission to eat whatever I want. When I did that, I found I actually ate significantly less of the unhealthy stuff.

I am not saying all kids should have free rein to just eat crap and nothing else, definitely do have healthy snacks in etc, but I certainly don't agree that setting limits on food has no effect on eating disorders, because from experience it absolutely does.

Puberty was definitely a factor for my DD's (13) sudden weight gain. She suddenly put on weight at 12, started her periods at 13 and is now growing into her adult body. We have open conversations about looking after your body/health and I encourage her to do what PP's have suggested - walk the dog every day, limit the junk food. Luckily she enjoys sport so she's usually on a team with regular practices, so that helps.

The other thing I've realized and now accepted is that her body type is completely different to mine. I think I just assumed that my child would be petite like me, but she's not - she's taller, curvy, with an enviable bust! She isn't going to be the same weight as me (I've always been on the low end of my BMI), and as long as she's fit and in the healthy range, that's fine.

Per PP's, I'd suggest taking positive steps with diet and exercise (nothing too extreme) and see how it goes. The most important thing is that your DD has a good body image and self-esteem.

@EtVoilaBrexit I had no intention of calling her greedy or lazy. I was just trying to be honest in my OP

Gut flora are important too, so a good probiotic, and or keffir. My dds are skinny, i think mainly genes ( i am not skinny now but i was until my thyroid packed up, Dh is skinny) but also their heavier friends have either done that thing of naturally chubbing out a bit in readiness for a huge growth spurt, or drink a lot of sugary drinks. The drinks seem to be the main difference as my dds do eat sweets etc, but they drink water.