To ask for help with DDs weight :(

[feelinglikeashitmum]

Have posted in AIBU for traffic
Have just received a letter from the NHS regarding my DDs weight. She's chubby but they say she is 'very overweight'
How do I broach this with her without upsetting her? I've been trying to curb her constant appetite and laziness but she's been rather difficult. I feel like the worst mum in the world right now and am crying at the thought of her being bullied for her weight at high school like I was. She's ALWAYS hungry and when I mention exercise she says 'you think I'm fat don't you mummy'
Has anyone got any tips? I'm determined to get her to a healthy weight before she starts high school next September - preferably a lot sooner. She's 10. Thanks in advance x

Not quite sure how you expect anyone to help if you don't actually say what she eats. It's all a bit vague.

Does she drink fizzy drinks op? If so, I think you should cut them out. My dc are 8 and 10 and only drink milk and water. It's a simple change to make.

The usual advice with overweight children is to just stop them gaining more weight rather than losing it, and as they grow it will even out.

Have you been referred to a dietician?

You shouldn’t think about her eating less but do think about how she can eat better. If the food she is eating isn’t nutritious then she could be missing out on vital things she needs in her diet to be healthy. This will make her crave food. If you feed her the right kind of food she should be able to eat a lot but stay a healthy weight.

I don't think you can do this surreptitiously, you have to talk to her. I think she knows she is overweight already and her mother denying it is not going to solve it.

I had this with DS at 11. We are a family of slim people who can eat what they like. Except for DS. He had become very self conscious and was losing all his confidence.
I encouraged him to get fit and without mentioning anything other than getting "healthy" he took it on board and exercised a lot. It had zero effect on his weight.

I suddenly realised that it was up to me to sort out. I talked to him about his weight and said we would tackle it together. I was amazed at how grateful and appreciative he was that I had mentioned the elephant in the room. I came up with a simple colour code for foods red - avoid, amber - moderation, green as much as you can eat.

It worked, he developed good eating habits that he still adheres to and at 20 is a slim adult.

What does she have for breakfast?
I would start with that - get rid of the cereal, toast and bagels.
Move to scrambled eggs, omelettes, something high in protein.

Lunch? Again think quality nutrients, not filler foods.

Don't let her drink calories.

My DNs are quite overweight, they have a lot of juices and desserts. They're main meals are fine imo it's the extras they consume daily that add up.

Re exercise - do you walk anywhere? Try and build it into your daily routine rather than make her do some exercise.

Good luck. It's not easy.

We have ditched apple juice, just sugar free squash or water and it’s made a difference. Also I am really pushing vegetables

I mean I have lack of control issues around food, I dont try and control other people's intake.

Sorry I haven’t read all the posts so may be repeating things.

Does she go to any after school clubs?

I think the key is keeping her busy so she doesn’t think about food as much and is moving more. Maybe sign her up for swimming lessons, girl guides/scouts or something similar?

Don’t buy junk food, if it’s not in the house she can’t eat it, my daughter will eat and eat so I often go shopping every couple of days and never keep much in the house so she can’t pick.

Do you have a dog she could walk?

Local park run which you could do as a family?

Both my dd’s can be a bit lazy, at the weekends I have to bribe them to get them out of the house for a walk, once they are out they enjoy it.

I think it's sad there aren't many places for children to exercise these days

Really? My DS12 plays football for his school team and trains once a week, plays football for the village and trains once a week, goes to a running club twice a week, goes to Boys Brigade where they often do stuff like running around in the woods, swimming, skating, climbing etc. On the weekend he's messing about on his bike or out and about with his mates. Every time they try a new sport in school, like badminton or table tennis, he wants to join the lunchtime or after school club. He'd need a time turner to fit it all in.

My girls were not sporty, but we swam once a week, went on family bike rides and they did youth theatre, which inevitably involved a fair bit of dancing. Now they are older one swims twice a week and one has a serious gym habit.

There are loads of opportunities for kids to exercise. It's part of parenting to teach them that it is important to exercise.

As far as portion control goes if her current weight is a problem just half the portion you are current giving her and up the veg and salad.

Put it this way easy rule of thumb for adults is Carbs size of your fist, protein size of palm, fat (cheese etc) size of small pack of matches and stay away from liquid calories if poss! Veg as much as you want, fruit, don't go mad because of the amount of sugars in fruit.

But its the liquids that are the trouble makers. Full fat fizzy, juice, diet fizzy, milkshakes, and of the funky fun fake coffee shite from starbuck etc is just pure fat and sugar tbh.

Please don’t bring her to Slimming World like a previous poster suggested. It will give her issues around food and diets never work long term.

Just keep her active and don’t stress too much about food. It’s normal for tween girls to put on a bit of weight anyway.

Don’t talk to her about weight or tell her that she needs to lose any. Focus on her positive attributes and make her feel good about herself.

Better to have a happy, confident teen than one who is ashamed of her body and obsessed over losing weight.

This is really tough as you need to make sure you don't cause an eating disorder. My daughter was chubby till about 13/14. Her period didn't start till she was 14. Proper child's body. No waist, no boobs, five foot tall. Then she literally shot up about nine inches and her body weight did not change, and I went from having a chubby little girl to a slim size eight, five foot nine 15 year old with an adult woman's body. Waist, boobs the lot.

And I'm not kidding. It was a drastic change in a relatively short period. She simply grew like a weed.

Use NY as a new start for the whole family to be healthier (so she doesn't feel targeted). Stop buying junk so it's not in the house. Find lots of active things to do as a family. Swimming, walks, bike rides, etc.

With weight it seems to be 80% diet and 20% exercise.

Having said that, being active is brilliant, so I'd try to build it in as a lifestyle - walking a lot more, doing things she enjoys. Go for a walk to look at peoples Christmas decorations. Or a walk to see some animals. Or just around a nice wood, looking at things.

I don't keep chocolate, biscuits or snacks in the flat to be honest with you, I just focus on main meals. Just some little changes will see big results.

She may be due a growth spurt - some children gain weight before they grow upwards.

How many pounds overweight is she?

If you could just reduce all of her portions for each meal slightly it would make a dramatic difference.

Does she have enough protein - if you have something like cereal it tends to leave you hungry more quickly afterwards than something like egg on toast.

I'm prepared to be wrong on this but if you have a letter from NHS, would it not be a good idea to show her? If it was any other health condition you would tell her. It's not your judgement on her, it is purely about health. Then if you are trying anything she is on board with it and it will help her build up knowledge about food and ways of managing her appitite. Obviously you can reassure her that she is gorgeous and beautiful etc. I think trying to do this by stealth for an older child is not the way to go.

Offer as much good food as she likes. We have fruit and veg always on offer and if they're hungry they are welcome to it. At meal times I plate their meal and if they eat it all they are welcome to seconds of whatever they fancy. But they can't just eat the meat and starch and leave the veg if they want more. I tend to make their plates light on carbs and meat and heavy on veg. Then I know the veg is going in because they have to eat it to get more meat/carb. We do pudding maybe once a week.

I struggled with this when DD started piling on pre puberty weight at 9. She ate constantly and, though seemingly happy, had no motivation for much. I kept a bit of a lid on it by doctoring her favourite foods. Pasta dishes were mostly tomato based, curries, cottage pie etc were mostly vegetables. We didnt eat chips or fried food and i roped all my DC into helping to cook meals from scratch, from quite a ykung age. I bought low cal crisps like Quavers, kitkat chocolate biscuits at only 105 cals and reduced fat versions of everything i could find. We never, ever mentioned her weight and we walked everywhere we could and wrre active at weekends. We built up her confidence, focusing on her wonderful sense of humour, her empathy and kindness, her academic ability, her fabulous hair and face in order to make her feel good about herself. She was popular and had boyfriends but, after going on the pill at 16, hit 18st age 17 (5ft 7in tall). Shes in 2nd year at university now (age 20) and, with apparently no effort at all, has lost 4st and has only just become interested in clothes and is eating healthily. Its absolutely fantastic to see her finally feeling good and to hear her thanking me for teaching her how to cook!

If she is always hungry, yet overweight, then she is eating the wrong foods. So I think the kindest and most sensible thing you can do to start is serve up healthy balanced dinners (there's loads of resources online if you're unsure). If she turns her nose up, then she will be hungry but obviously make sure there's going to be at least something on the plate she'll eat. She will start trying new things given time. The stats are something like children have to try a new food an average of 20 times before that start accepting and eating it regularly. And stop or greatly reduce buying snacks, except for fruit and the odd treat thing.

I think avoiding the question of 'do you think i'm fat' is not the best idea. Obviously you are not going to outright say to her that yes she very overweight, but you can put it in a way that suggests to her she does need to also put some effort in to become a bit healthier. Something like, 'no you are not fat, but I've noticed you are not keeping quite as fit as you used to.' Thats just a suggestion obviously, go with what she would respond to. She is probably aware she is overweight so just lying to her outright and telling her she isn't is not going to help her.

I think its great that you are addressing it and asking for advice as I can imagine its a very sensitive subject. She will ultimately thank you in the long run even if she may hate you for the next 6 months for not buying choccies and crisps. Good luck.

I have a 4 year old I can see going the same way @M3lon, 91st centile and a ‘great’ eater. The idea of eating to satisfaction that a pp mentioned is interesting as she seems on many occasions to ask for seconds, get told that she can’t have more of e.g. pasta until she has tried her vegetables etc, and then she’ll eat all that and clear her plate and still ask for more. Is she still hungry at that point, I’m not sure... She now only gets a small portion to start of certain things (smaller than I think is her portion-size) as I know she’ll ask for seconds and that way she doesn’t get more than I’m happy with her having overall which seems to be working a bit. She’s at day nursery some days a week, her dad does her lunch/tea other days and I know I need to get a better idea of what she’s eating then as well. And all without giving her a complex...

I know a PP mentioned the Blood Sugar Diet. Although I like it for adults, I wouldn't use it for a child. Growing bodies have different needs from overweight adults or adults at risk of diabetes.
I know people are mentioning fruit but tbh vegetables and nuts are probably better. They definitely have less sugar! Could you also involve her in cooking? Not only is it fun but if she gets used to measuring and weighing whilst preparing food, or focuses on plating food up nicely then she's likely to reduce her portion sizes too.

You mentioned her dad in a way that sounded as if you are separated. Are you going to be able to align with each other to present a united front?

Agree with others that focussing on healthy eating and portion control and binning crisps, biscuits and sweets from the house is a good way forward. Low key and gradual - wk 1, the crisps run out, wk2 so do the biscuits, wk 3... etc.

My mum ruined me and my teeth as a child by giving me ribena or vimto to drink whenever I was thirsty and it wasn’t very dilute either. She can’t stand drinking just plain water, and never thought to see if I would drink it. After reading the Blood Sugar Diet and thinking about how my blood sugar must have been constantly through the roof, it’s no wonder I ballooned at puberty. Trying to undo a lifetime of bad habits is extremely difficult.

Slimming world young members have to be between 12-15 years old.
My ds has lost 5st 8lb since February with SW. He was 14yrs 11 months when he started and is now 15yrs 9 months.

He is 6ft 2, always been a big lad. Size 14 feet. The weight started to creep on from around age 9/10 and as he kept growing in height it wasn't immediately obvious how big he was.

The plan worked wonders for him. Fill a third of your plate with vegetables and have "free" food which is meat/quorn/rice/eggs/pasta etc. Carbs are limited, as is dairy, teens get more than adult members. "Syns" are points which go towards treats and are allowed 5-15 per day, ds has between 5-10 and saves some for treat night which is after he has been weighed on a Thursday.
He is like a new person. We have all adopted his plan ( not as strictly ) and are eating lots and well.

Have a look online at the plan. I have spare books I would be happy to send you to save you joining ( dd can't anyway due to her age ) and we don't see it as a diet, more of a long term healthy eating plan.
We've never eaten so much either, if hungry there is lots to choose from that doesn't involve goodies.

PS I'm also not keen on fruit or fruit juice for snacks. A lot of the fruit in supermarkets currently is engineered to be 'super sweet' - it contains a huge amount of sugar. Obviously, fruit contains vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and is good for you, but on its own as a snack I feel it can make your blood sugar erratic. It's the same with things like smoothies - Innocent smoothies have a horrifying nutritional breakdown and the worst thing is they're marketed as healthy. Personally think there are much better things than fruit as a snack but that's just my take on it and I know a lot of people will disagree.

Some of the smoothies contain, in one small bottle, the amount of sugar a child is meant to have in one day.

So sorry you are going through this, no one wants to see their children possibly struggling with something.

You say you exercise a lot, why not do it as a family or mother/daughter activity? Sunday walks, tennis games, playing in a pool? I wouldn't focus on it being "exercise" though, just make it a fun thing to do together.

Also be mindful of how you talk about food/her body. My mother could be awful at times when I was a child teenager and it led me to sneak around and eat crap as I would often be banned from eating it but my sisters would be allowed to. It felt horrible and I don't agree with that approach. This article actually highlights it too www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-46262619