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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask 20yr old DD to contribute now she’s earning?

103 replies

Poppyploppy · 10/12/2018 11:04

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to financially contribute to the household?....my mother thinks I am.

For background; DD has been living back home for a year since dropping out of university (long story mental health related). She’s been unemployed for over a year but has finally secured a full time office job paying £20k pa and she/we are delighted.

Since being back home, my bills have doubled (heating on all day whilst i’m at work, plus lights and appliances on etc). Food obviously (including when she has friends over) and the 25% council tax increase equates to £600 per year. I’m forever driving her everywhere so an extra £20+ in petrol not to mention giving her money to socialise etc.

Does anyone else have adult DC’s living at home and do they contribute financially?

OP posts:
araiwa · 10/12/2018 11:07

If shes working full time yanbu

MrsStrowman · 10/12/2018 11:07

I think as she's not in education, working full time now and you've supported her through her mental health difficulties without pressure for a contribution YANBU to ask for some 'keep', now she's working full time the utilities should go down as she'll be out all day. Work out what you need to charge her (start with the £50 a month extra council tax, food and utilities) and sit and have a conversation about her saving while she's not paying full market rent, with the goal for her to be able to afford to move out later down the line.

Pigeonpies · 10/12/2018 11:09

Yes of course she should pay! She's not a kid anymore :)

I was 19, still living at home when I got my first full time job and I had no objection to paying 'rent' each week. It wasn't a lot and didn't reflect the true cost of renting but it was still a contribution.

My parents actually saved half the rent I paid them and when I did leave home, they gave it back to me to help with my first flat :)

Holidayshopping · 10/12/2018 11:10

Of course she should pay something. Sit her down with the house outgoings and all incomings and see what she says.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 10/12/2018 11:12

YANBU. I actually think unless the DC are saving for something specific like a masters it's always a good idea to charge them rent and bills. If you don't need the extra cash save it for their house deposit. She'll be taking home £1400 a month that's a crazy amount of disposable income - she doesn't need to get used to that amount of money.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/12/2018 11:12

Yes I think it's perfectly reasonable, she's an adult member of a household and not a dependent child. In fact it's something I'd expect any young adult living with their parents to offer and not wait to be asked.

Orangecake123 · 10/12/2018 11:13

Yes you are not being unreasonable- she should help contribute.

LovesLaboursLost · 10/12/2018 11:13

Do you need the money to cover the additional expenses? If you do, then you should ask her to contribute. If you don’t need the money, personally I wouldn’t ask her for it. I know you’ll get loads of posts saying I was working down the pits at 15 and giving 95% of my money to my parents, and it didn’t do me any harm. But IMO one of the massive advantages that kids from wealthier families get is their parents subsidising them for longer, giving them more freedom to make their own choices.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 10/12/2018 11:16

When I was still at home at that age I didn't pay keep as such (no set amount PM) - just helped out with cash when needed and the same favour was rewarded back to me.
It worked really well.

IWouldPreferNotTo · 10/12/2018 11:17

Yes and with that level of disposable income I think £500 to £600 a month would be fair as its less than what she'd end up paying privately.

You could always put some of it in a savings account to surprise her with in the future if you think it's asking a lot

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2018 11:18

Well she will be out at work now, so lights heating not on all day etc, but I think it's reasonable to ask her to contribute to additional costs you will encounter.

Do you need the money? If so then keep it. If not then put it in a savings account for her to help her get on her feet when she moves out. But it's reasonable to help her learn about budgeting this way.

bobstersmum · 10/12/2018 11:21

She should contribute without a doubt. I think £50 a week is reasonable.

KiteMarked · 10/12/2018 11:23

I think the point about not getting used to so much disposable income is a good one - it's important to learn to budget and be frugal whilst still having a safety net at this age, if she still needs to be at home. You know her best of course, but I would suggest encouraging her to set a goal to move out on her own within a year or so. Paying for room and board with you can prepare her for that.

boolala12 · 10/12/2018 11:25

Yes! I did 20 hours a week after school age 17 and had to contribute.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/12/2018 11:26

Yes you should ask. She is an adult and is earning, it will help her manage in the future.

Junkmail · 10/12/2018 11:27

I got a part time job when I was sixteen—I was still in full time education—and my mum asked me to contribute £200 a month to the household bills. I’m not saying that’s right (I’m hindsight I think she was pretty unreasonable about money when I was a kid) but for perspective if your daughter is earning £20k I think it’s more than reasonable that she helps you out with bills. Maybe sit down with her and decide what would be affordable for both of you.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/12/2018 11:27

I would as paying a regular amount can help with affordability documentation (certainly when getting a mortgage) as it attempts to prove you're used to paying out regularly and living within your budget.

If you don't need the money, then save it for her and give it back towards costs when she gets her own place.

anniehm · 10/12/2018 11:28

Perfectly reasonable - work out the extra cost per year and divide by 12 as a starting point. Most of DD's friends pay rent of about £100 a month if on low wages (apprenticeship/fast food) we put the money into a trust for dd though as my parents did with me.

Novacancy3 · 10/12/2018 11:28

Yes. I have an 18 yo at home and in full time work. He pays a share of the utility bills and a share of the grocery bill each month. He's never grumbled. He knows that still leaves him much more disposable income than me and his dad and he knows it would cost him treble the amount he contributes here to live independently.

incendio · 10/12/2018 11:29

YANBU at all! She's an adult with a full time job so she should definitely be contributing something. I paid digs to my parents until I bought my flat this year and it's really helped me because I already had some experience of budgeting and managing my outgoings.

FaithFrank · 10/12/2018 11:33

YANBU I would.

My dd is at university now, but I have already spoken to her about it. If she were living at home and working ft, we would expect her to contribute to the household.

Sit down and have an adult conversation with her about it. Show her all the expeses and come to an agreement about how much is reasonable for her to pay.

Huntawaymama · 10/12/2018 11:37

I personally wouldn't but I know most would. My mum and dad asked for money from me and as a consequence when I wanted to move in with dh I had very little savings. My husband on the other hand helped out with chores at home but didn't pay and he managed to save 20k which obviously made a big difference when moving out. Personally if my children are useless savers I'll take money from then for board but really put it into a savings account for them

Alwaysbekind2014 · 10/12/2018 11:39

Yes, parents seem to think they are being kind when they allow them live shot free even with job
Even if you take the money and save it for her .. take it
So many young people have no concept of what it’s like when they move out.

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 11:40

Of course she should contribute

OMGFFS · 10/12/2018 11:44

You are kinda being unfair.

You had all that money ( £600) when you were raising her but now she has had to come home your jumping on her for it?

I think a better thing if you have to ask for money from her and her first job would be £200 and YOU put it away for when she does move out and needs a deposit.

I don’t understand how parents today can just slice off what there kids have earned and just expect the relationship not to suffer.

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