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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask 20yr old DD to contribute now she’s earning?

103 replies

Poppyploppy · 10/12/2018 11:04

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to financially contribute to the household?....my mother thinks I am.

For background; DD has been living back home for a year since dropping out of university (long story mental health related). She’s been unemployed for over a year but has finally secured a full time office job paying £20k pa and she/we are delighted.

Since being back home, my bills have doubled (heating on all day whilst i’m at work, plus lights and appliances on etc). Food obviously (including when she has friends over) and the 25% council tax increase equates to £600 per year. I’m forever driving her everywhere so an extra £20+ in petrol not to mention giving her money to socialise etc.

Does anyone else have adult DC’s living at home and do they contribute financially?

OP posts:
BruegeITheEIder · 10/12/2018 12:11

She needs to be contributing a decent amount

Needs to be? Why?

KittyMcTitty · 10/12/2018 12:12

My husbands parents charged him something like £100 - £200 and then gave it back to him when he moved out. It helps with saving and budgeting!

munchbunch12 · 10/12/2018 12:12

Yes, she should contribute. Back in the '90s when I started working full time my parents asked me to pay them £35 per week as that was what they worked out I cost them. I was happy to pay that as I knew it was much cheaper than moving out, and it left me with enough spare money to learn to drive, have a holiday a year and save up to move out eventually.

BruegeITheEIder · 10/12/2018 12:13

I do. I think they will be very grateful that I taught them to be functioning adults who are prepared for the real world. As parents, it's our job to prepare are kids for real life

This comes up every time.

It's a fallacy because many, many people do not charge their kids rent and yet their kids still leave home perfectly capable of functioning in the real world and managing their finances.

There are whole COUNTRIES full of people who leave home during their late 20s or later without ever having paid rent to their parents, and they do just fine.

So basically, do as you please, but let's not pretend that charging them rent teaches them something that they couldn't easily learn otherwise.

BlueJava · 10/12/2018 12:13

Of course she should contribute - and while you're at it re-think how much you are doing for her. She needs to contribute to cooking, cleaning, washing and I'd think twice before agreeing to run her everywhere.

Jaxhog · 10/12/2018 12:14

YANBU. She needs to understand that adults contribute/pay for such things as rent etc. You don't need to charge a full rent, but enough for her to understand that adults pay their way.

ArcheryAnnie · 10/12/2018 12:16

It’s not your money at the end of the day

I'm sure when your kids say this to their first (non-parental) landlord, when they don't have money to pay the rent, OMGFFS, the landlord will be very understanding.

sollyfromsurrey · 10/12/2018 12:16

Parenting is not just about giving. It is about teaching. She should absolutely be paying rent as learning is to budget whilst living in the security of your home will be a valuable lesson gently taught. You may choose to ask for a subsidised rent but she should be contributing towards the household expenses.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 10/12/2018 12:17

She'll be taking home £1400 a month that's a crazy amount of disposable income - she doesn't need to get used to that amount of money.

Brilliantly put!

BTW OP, why the hell are you giving her money to socialise with?!

ginyogarepeat · 10/12/2018 12:17

Yes, most definitely! Earning a decent full-time wage? She should have offered to contribute by now so you would definitely NBU by asking her to!

PylonsPylonsPylons · 10/12/2018 12:18

I contributed to the household as soon as I was earning and I will expect my dc to do the same!
It is important to teach children the financial realities of life.

mirren3 · 10/12/2018 12:19

Absolutely, she should be paying. If she had moved out she would be paying a lot more than nothing.
Whether it teaches her a lesson or not, you are still well out of pocket and she can more than afford to contribute.

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 12:19

So basically, do as you please, but let's not pretend that charging them rent teaches them something that they couldn't easily learn otherwise.

How am I pretending they couldn't otherwise learn it?

ArcheryAnnie · 10/12/2018 12:21

There are whole COUNTRIES full of people who leave home during their late 20s or later without ever having paid rent to their parents, and they do just fine.

I think you are misinformed, Bruegel. Half of my family comes from a culture where it's the norm for children to stay on and live as adults in their parental home. They don't pay "rent", as such, it's not formulated as that, but the adult children naturally take over some of the bill-paying (including rent or mortgage) as they begin to earn, and as their parents age and possibly retire, and it's expected and normal thing to do.

And of course I have known many, many people who don't live at their parental homes, but can barely make their own rent, because they are posting money home to their parents abroad, because their earning power is so much more here, even when they are on a low wage.

MatildaTheCat · 10/12/2018 12:22

Of course she needs to learn that food and utilities aren’t free of charge. And that, for example, having the heating on all day when it’s not even particularly cold is wasteful and bloody expensive.

Have a chat and show her roughly what you are spending then come to a compromise about her actual contribution based on your own financial situation. I’d be willing to bet that right now she has a great deal more disposable income than you.

Tighnabruaich · 10/12/2018 12:22

Of course she should be contributing! I don't know why your mother thinks she should be living free of charge. It's not doing her any favours either, she should be learning how to budget her salary. And why should you be out of pocket having another adult in the house, eating, using electricity etc.

Knittedfairies · 10/12/2018 12:24

If OP’s costs have increased, why should she save whatever contributions her daughter makes towards running the household to give back to her when she leaves?

Original poster
Poppyploppy · 10/12/2018 12:27

Thanks for all your comments. I think the general consensus is to ask her for a contribution which was my thoughts all along. I’ll most certainly put this away for her to use for a future deposit and I agree it gets her use to budgeting.

I suppose I’m being overly cautious as it’s taken a lot for her to feel confident enough to work. I know it’s none of my mother’s business but she believes I should cut her some slack.

OP posts:
BruegeITheEIder · 10/12/2018 12:29

I think you are misinformed, Bruegel. Half of my family comes from a culture where it's the norm for children to stay on and live as adults in their parental home. They don't pay "rent", as such, it's not formulated as that, but the adult children naturally take over some of the bill-paying (including rent or mortgage) as they begin to earn, and as their parents age and possibly retire, and it's expected and normal thing to do

Why am I misinformed? Because in your country they do that? I didn't say all countries did I? I said there are entire countries (like the one I'm from) where adults living with parents don't pay rent. I know that because I grew up in one such country and was one such person.

And guess what? I knew the value of money just fine! I left home when I got married, used the huge deposit me and OH had saved to get a nice house, and was perfectly prepared for the "real world"!

As an aside, beyond the whole "you must charge your kids rent to teach them the value of money" nonsense, I do think any decent adult would want to pay for their own food/clothes/leisure activities. That's where it gets a bit OTT with you and your daughter, OP.

sazzle27 · 10/12/2018 12:29

Not being unreasonable at all OP.

I was very fortunate in living with my DGPs, they refused to take money from me for "rent" (I did try paying them and each time it got transferred back into my account).
So I paid my way in other ways - I bought all of my own food and used to buy them bits when i went shopping as well. I funded my own car from 18, and any expenses for going out and socialising were paid for by me - I expected no handouts for that.

I'd sit your DD down and have an honest chat with her - arrange a figure per month to pay, or a percentage, and explain why.
And definitely stop giving her money for when she goes out - that's covered by her earnings now!
I like the idea PPs have had on this (and other) thread about keeping some/all contributions and giving it to DC when theyre moving out and saving for a deposit/fees; this is certainly something I am considering for when I have any DC Grin

LemonTT · 10/12/2018 12:33

Totally reasonable and I would have a conversation about this and what it actually costs to have food and shelter. She should know what she is contributing towards and be able to make choices. It will help her in later life to understand how to plan and manage money. For example if you think her use of your car costs £20 pw then she should know this. She can then decide on taxis, a bike, walking or buses.

The suggestions to save some of the money on her behalf are good but it would be better to see if she is willing to do this herself. Building her own savings pot would be a life skill.

Original poster
Poppyploppy · 10/12/2018 12:38

I should point out, I was only giving her money to see friends etc because she had zero income of her own. Obviously now she is working that’s a different story.

OP posts:
JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 10/12/2018 12:42

Yes she should. I had to pay bills when I was 19! That's life. She will need to do it if/when she gets a place of her own!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/12/2018 12:42

On a similar salary DS1 paid us £200 a month when he lived here for a year after uni. I think it covered his food and hot water. He also saved about £500 a month and ran his own car, paid his own phone etc. He did his share around the house too.

Why would any adult expect a free ride? My retired friend has her 37 year old son living at home. He has a decent sounding job that I imagine pays at least what DS1 earned when he was at home. She cooks and cleans for him, does his laundry and buys all his food. She says he doesn't earn enough to contribute. He's an absolute freeloader.

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