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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask 20yr old DD to contribute now she’s earning?

103 replies

Poppyploppy · 10/12/2018 11:04

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to financially contribute to the household?....my mother thinks I am.

For background; DD has been living back home for a year since dropping out of university (long story mental health related). She’s been unemployed for over a year but has finally secured a full time office job paying £20k pa and she/we are delighted.

Since being back home, my bills have doubled (heating on all day whilst i’m at work, plus lights and appliances on etc). Food obviously (including when she has friends over) and the 25% council tax increase equates to £600 per year. I’m forever driving her everywhere so an extra £20+ in petrol not to mention giving her money to socialise etc.

Does anyone else have adult DC’s living at home and do they contribute financially?

OP posts:
diddl · 10/12/2018 11:46

What's it got to do with your mum?

We still give ours an allowance-one at Uni, one doing a low paid apprenticeship.

That's what we have decided to do with our money so to be quite honest it's nothing to do with anyone else!

Monday55 · 10/12/2018 11:47

If you're desperate for the money and are struggling to keep on top of the bills, then yes you can ask her to contribute. Otherwise just encourage her to save as much as she can so she can buy her own place.

ilovecherries · 10/12/2018 11:48

I don’t charge my daughter rent - she’s 21, living in the family home and my DH and I are living elsewhere with his work. She does feed herself - although we do tend to do a big restock when we go home - but all utilities etc are covered by us. She’s a final year student BUT she is also working very hard to establish her own business, and she saves everything she earns towards a deposit for her own house. I suspect if she was frittering it away on alcohol and fancy clothes I might feel differently, so I guess I’ve got a bit of a double standard going on, in that we subsidise her because we support what she does with her cash. But my own parents were never in a position to offer me any financial support at that stage and while it didn’t do me any ‘harm’ I’m pleased to be able to help her save and get established. Having said that, she clearly doesn’t expect it to continue indefinitely, as we will be returning home permanently next summer, and she’s already asked if we are happy for her to stay at home for a bit longer, after we go back, and has said that she expects to start paying her own way then. I’m just glad we can give her an opportunity to build a bit of a financial cushion.

TickleMeEmo · 10/12/2018 11:48

Not unreasonable at all if she’s in full time secure employment 🙂

My parents started charging me digs whilst I was still at school doing my highers as I started getting £30 a week Educational Maintenance Allowance... that is unreasonable!

ArcheryAnnie · 10/12/2018 11:50

I think you'd be doing her a disservice if you didn't. She is going to have to learn to live on what she keeps after paying a contribution to her keep, even if that contribution is much smaller than what she'd be paying privately.

It's the same as a lot of parenting - of course we could also do their laundry until they leave home, never expect them to wash a plate, etc, but that would be a disservice to them, too. They'd end up helpless.

kaitlinktm · 10/12/2018 11:52

If you don't expect her to contribute, at what point would you expect her to? My DS is still living at home at the age of 33. What if your DD does the same?

ArcheryAnnie · 10/12/2018 11:53

I don’t understand how parents today can just slice off what there kids have earned and just expect the relationship not to suffer.

I don't understand this attitude at all. Teaching your kids about adult responsibilities is part of being a responsible parent.

If you don't need the money yourself, by all means squirrel it into an account to give to them later. But seriously, adults who now earn also need to understand that they are also adults who have to pay bills.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/12/2018 11:54

I think it could actually be good for her to contribute.
She has had mh issues. She needs to build self-esteem, independence and to feel respected by you. Taking no contribution from her is to infatilise her or to imply that she still needs looking after. You believe in her. You respect her as an adult - so you are going to treat as an adult who has responsibilities and who can handle those responsibilities.

As her mum, and for her mh, I think it would be a kindness to work with her to fix a figure which she can manage without too much trouble. It will be important for her to really feel the benefits of drawing a wage. She needs enough disposable cash to enjoy herself and begin to internalise how good it feels to make your own money. Work needs to feel worth it.

5fivestar · 10/12/2018 11:54

£50 a week ? I was paying that nearly 25 years ago ! My plan when tye kids get to that stage is they will cover their share of council tax and I will use that money - then £50 a week which will be saved for them and they can buy their own food, do their own washing etc. There comes a point when they have to stand on their own two feet.

Perfectly1mperfect · 10/12/2018 11:55

If you are struggling and she's adding to your bills then of course she should pay something. You definitely shouldn't be giving her money for socialising, she's earning an OK wage for someone still living at home, why on earth would you give her money to socialise?

If we can afford not to, I won't take anything when my kids are older as long as they are not wasting all of their money. If they are just spending it all every month I will take some and put it away for them. But if we were struggling then, I'd ask for a contribution.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 10/12/2018 11:56

I have adult sons at home.They are Similar age to your dandy earn just under and one a bit more than your dad. They do pay into the house but I only take £100 pm off each of them on the understanding that they also pay £200 pm into their help to buy isa. They also cover a lot of their own food costs and I don’t give them a lot of lifts or extra cash to socialise with.

Megan2018 · 10/12/2018 11:56

Definitely contribute.

My parents were quite well off but still made me pay some, it taught me how to budget and I have always been good with managing money since.

I would charge the additional council tax, plus what she costs in food per week as a minimum. 20 years ago for me that was about £250 a month which is what I paid my parents. I imagine now it will be a fair bit more.

I would make sure she has the ability to save though. I paid enough to be contributing, but still enough to get a house deposit (with additional inheritance).

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 10/12/2018 11:56

Where did the dandy come from? Should read DD

Didiusfalco · 10/12/2018 11:58

This was a long time ago, but I used to pay my parents 25%. This always felt fair as I knew if I had a worse paying job I didn’t need to worry, the figure would just go down. We have a brilliant relationship and they were subsequently very generous to me when I purchased a house.

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 11:59

I don't understand this attitude at all. Teaching your kids about adult responsibilities is part of being a responsible parent.

Exactly, it's teaching them how to budget, become independent functioning adults and also not to become entitled or leachy when they do fly the nest and move in with a partner/room mate.

BMOT · 10/12/2018 12:01

My boys are 12 and 16 at the moment so not an issue, however if they are still living at home when they get full time jobs then yes I would expect them to contribute. My parents never expected me to pay 'board' and it came as a huge shock when I moved out at 20 and suddenly had a mortgage to pay instead of just pissing my money up the wall every week!
If we are in the same financial position that we are now then we won't need their money so I hope Id be able to secretly squirrel it away so that when they move out I can gift it back to them. However, if we were struggling then it would go into the household funds

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/12/2018 12:02

Not unreasonable at all. My parents asked me to contribute from the moment I had a job at 16 and they were right to do so.

Anyone in the household earning should be contributing towards something whether that's bills, food shop and general living costs.

BarbaraofSevillle · 10/12/2018 12:03

She needs to be contributing a decent amount (at least £300 pm), paying for her own phone, travel, clothes, and general spending and saving a decent amount of money for the future, maybe £500 pm. Make sure she has started a pension too.

It is absolute insanity for her to have all her wages available as spending money.

If she gives you a third (or a third is used on some for you and some for basics like work travel, phone etc), and saves a third, and she has a third for free spending money, she'll still probably have more disposable income than at any other time in her life, unless she gets a very well paid job.

driggle · 10/12/2018 12:06

YANBU. As soon as I was in full time work I contributed. At 18 I was earning £10k a year and paid £150 a month to my parents. I moved out at 19 with my boyfriend at the time and we paid £495 a month rent, £100 council tax plus food and other utilities. £150 was a bargain in hindsight! It will teach her about contributing to a household, budgeting, managing her disposable income, and saving towards getting her own place eventually. So charge an amount that helps a little but not so much she can't save anything.

OMGFFS · 10/12/2018 12:06

Jesus .. I don’t expect many of your children to be greatful guys 😂

OMGFFS · 10/12/2018 12:07

I do laugh at how everyone’s day oh I paid my parents a percentage but I think people are a little behind on the times of how much renting actually costs now, car insurance, general life!

Your DD has just got her first job, let HER save and have a bit of fun.

It’s not your money at the end of the day

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 10/12/2018 12:08

Yes you should take keep money off her but you should save it for a house deposit for her as you can clearly cope without it.

As a PP said it is absolutely nothing to do with your mother

ErickBroch · 10/12/2018 12:08

YANBU of course! Once I finished Uni and got a job, 18k, I started paying £200pm right away to my mum.

BruegeITheEIder · 10/12/2018 12:09

I suggest a search of the forum. This topic comes up at least once a week. You can find hundreds of pages of opinions on this.

As an adult living at home I paid for my share of food, and that's about it. That's all I'll ask of my kids if they ever live with me as adults too.

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 12:10

Jesus .. I don’t expect many of your children to be greatful guys

I do. I think they will be very grateful that I taught them to be functioning adults who are prepared for the real world. As parents, it's our job to prepare are kids for real life