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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask 20yr old DD to contribute now she’s earning?

103 replies

Poppyploppy · 10/12/2018 11:04

Am I being unreasonable to ask DD to financially contribute to the household?....my mother thinks I am.

For background; DD has been living back home for a year since dropping out of university (long story mental health related). She’s been unemployed for over a year but has finally secured a full time office job paying £20k pa and she/we are delighted.

Since being back home, my bills have doubled (heating on all day whilst i’m at work, plus lights and appliances on etc). Food obviously (including when she has friends over) and the 25% council tax increase equates to £600 per year. I’m forever driving her everywhere so an extra £20+ in petrol not to mention giving her money to socialise etc.

Does anyone else have adult DC’s living at home and do they contribute financially?

OP posts:
JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 10/12/2018 12:43

And why do you drive her everywhere? She's an adult. She can get to places on her own! If she wants to do it, then she can learn to drive herself. Good gracious, am I the only one who had to stand on my own two feet without any guidance or help?! My parents downright refused to do anything like that for me.

FishCanFly · 10/12/2018 12:43

rent - unreasonable. but driving her and giving her money to socialize - that needs to stop

Sunshineonleaf · 10/12/2018 12:46

All those who suggest keeping the money to one side and giving it back to her when she moves out, surely it's far better to teach a young adult financial management - how to save and where.

I don't see the need to take rent from if you can afford it. My DS lived at home for a year after university and saved every bit of his first year's earnings (he offered me money and I refused it). He now has a nice amount towards a house deposit.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/12/2018 12:46

Of course she should be paying her own way. She's an employed adult and she should be offering you the money, you shouldn't have to ask for it.

Holidayshopping · 10/12/2018 12:50

You had all that money ( £600) when you were raising her but now she has had to come home your jumping on her for it?

What £600 do you mean?

Sparklesocks · 10/12/2018 12:53

Very reasonable, adults living and working in the household should contribute.

amusedbush · 10/12/2018 12:53

Yes and with that level of disposable income I think £500 to £600 a month would be fair as its less than what she'd end up paying privately.

£600 a month to live at home?? DH and I live in a two bedroom flat and my half of our rent, council tax and utilities is £350pm.

I moved out when my mum tried to increase my digs from £150 to £180 a month Grin

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/12/2018 12:53

Hi OP I personally think her future medium term plans should be a factor.

For example if she us saving really hard for a house deposit then only a minimal amount

If she'd planning to move into her own flat in a few months - I'd probably not charge her anything

If she's planning to stay with you for the forsee able, then I would charge a fairer rate. It's not really fair 3 adults in the house and 2 spend all their money on bills and boring stuff while the other gets to spend it on going out and having fun.

I'd maybe give her one paycheck grace though

I'd look into how much it costs to rent a room locally to show her she is getting a good deal!

I lived with my parents after uni for a bit and had a kind of temporary job while I looked for a career type job and wasn't charged rent as it was temporary and they knew I'd soon be moving away when I got a different job and would really need the cash for a deposit etc

Onestep2 · 10/12/2018 12:58

When i was that age i was out working FT on a very similar salary and i paid £350 a month digs. That was the rules.

I still got my food bought and dinner made for me etc and i had MORE than enough money than sense leftover.

dont feel bad about it.

Mummyshark2018 · 10/12/2018 12:58

I would do what others suggested, ask her to contribute -150 or so towards bills (food/ council tax etc) and ask her to put an amount into savings -200/300. That amount of disposable income is massive at that age!

Purpleartichoke · 10/12/2018 13:01

An adult living at home should be saving to move out. I would require her to contribute to a savings account and charge her rent. If you are able and her budget can handle it, I would keep a bit of her rent aside and use it to create a secret bonus savings to give her when she moves out.

possumgoddess · 10/12/2018 13:03

I think she should have been contributing before she got her full time job. If she was in receipt of benefits and you had to pay additional council tax etc. because she was living in your house, plus all the additional electricity, food etc., then she should have been giving you something from her benefits. Benefits are for living expenses wherever you are living.

MycatsaPirate · 10/12/2018 13:04

Is she going to learn to drive? If so, then maybe reduce the rent a bit until she's passed her test. Encourage her to open a savings account, to budget for an entire year, not just the next few days. Get her to think ahead to work out just exactly how much she has free to spend as she wishes.

For clarity, my oldest is 20, she is away at university but comes home regularly. She has already said that once she qualifies she will be moving back home with us and working in this area. She said she will pay £100 a week towards rent/bills which I think is fair.

On top of that, she has worked since she was 16 part time, saved up, paid for her driving lessons, bought a second hand car and now works non stop in the holidays to keep it on the road. We helped with the first years insurance (eye watering!) but it's down to a reasonable amount now and she is a completely independent young woman.

That said, she still likes to come home for some proper home cooked food!

I am really glad your DD has her new job and I hope it goes well for her.

TeacupDrama · 10/12/2018 13:07

start with actual costs £50 a month council tax which is the increase from your previous 25% discount. her fair share of food bill ( including toilet paper washing powder etc), a small contribution to utilities; this is not rent this is living expenses so maybe a total of £150-200 made up of £50 council tax, £25-30 per week for food and maybe £30 for utilities and your petrol
she should now assume responsibility for her own phone bill and transport costs to work, as well as the obvious clothes toiletries and entertainment

rent is a contribution to housing ie a proportion of your own rent / mortgage / house insurance repairs/ replacements
I would agree with others unless you are really struggling financially don't charge rent but do charge a fair share of living expenses starting in January 2019 however if you are struggling financially it is reasonable for an earning adult to contribute to the roof over their head, you should not be living paycheck to paycheck and on baked beans so your adult child has £750-800 a month to spend on clothes and going out

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 10/12/2018 13:09

Can I ask? If you charge your children 'keep' but don't need it, what do you do with it?

I don't understand the concept of taking a chunk of the money they work hard for and earn each month just to save it and give it back to them.
Surely that's not teaching them to budget and save later in life, since you've done the saving for them?

christmaschristmaschristmas · 10/12/2018 13:11

If you could afford for her not to contribute, I would make her save up - or get her to give you her keep and you save it for her.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 10/12/2018 13:11

@WhoTookTheChristmasCookie completely agree. I would encourage them to save or give money to me to save for them.

user1471426142 · 10/12/2018 13:12

I would never charge a child that was still in education or poorly. In your daughter’s case, I think a contribution to cover the council tax and food would be fair. I never understand parents charging commercial levels of rent or an arbitrary amount such as 1/3 of wages.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 10/12/2018 13:15

@christmaschristmaschristmas exactly.
The whole pretence of taking the money then 'gifting' it back has always confused me.
If you're saving it for them - just tell them!

You can't gift someone their own wages.

seventhgonickname · 10/12/2018 13:31

I will be charging my dd after uni if she comes back and earns a wage,I have savings to help her through uni but after that she will need to share bills.However she has a good understanding of costs so will be pragmatic about it.

Whyislarryhappy · 10/12/2018 13:46

I would encourage her to pay but a reasonable amount.
Tbh when I lived at home, first 2yeats after leaving school I never paid any rent. I was on JSA and I used to give my mum £30 a month to try contribute what I could. My part time work I ended up paying £50 a month but buying my own groceries. Then full time work my mum would only take £80 off me and ask for more if we needed gas and elected, and again I'd pay for my own groceries ect. When my dp moved in I think we paid her £250 a month which is great considering rent prices now!

forkinghellmate · 10/12/2018 14:01

She’s earning £1400 a month. Of course she should contribute.

TeacupDrama · 10/12/2018 14:32

if she gives mother £2-300 that leaves her with a £1000+ a month for clothes phone driving lessons holidays entertainment, going out and savings for car etc hardly hard done by

whoseafraidofnaomiwolf · 10/12/2018 14:39

Not RTFT but of course she should contribute. We currently have three adult children living at home, all of whom pay is 1/3 of their monthly take-home. I expect them to save another 1/3 and the remaining 1/3 is theirs to do as they wish with. I'm not entirely convinced that they save 1/3 every month, but I actually try to save 1/2 of the 1/3 they give me so they'll have a nice little cushion when/ if they are ever able to get their own place.

5fivestar · 10/12/2018 14:41

Sunshineonleaf - the issue is enough of them live rent free and don’t save for it to have become a thing that enforced saving or rent becomes a thing. My ex’s 19 year old has a very good job earning more than many families and basically hasn’t a pot to piss in. He knows he isn’t moving out any time soon so blowing £2000 a month is a regular occurrence. Wants his dad to buy and fund a car too ... one if the many reasons he’s my ex I hated the manipulation.