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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my child known by a different surname

115 replies

O819bridetob · 10/12/2018 10:33

My son has his father's surname. For nursery however I've put him under my surname but now the nursery are saying they can't do this, that he has to be under the surname that's on his birth certificate
Is this true? Am I just complicating things

OP posts:

Fridaydreamer · 10/12/2018 10:35

Yes you are complicating things. He can’t just go through life using a name that’s not on his BC. Also think the nursery has a legal duty of care to check child identities in case of custody issues.

ViragoKnows · 10/12/2018 10:37

This is an epidemic.

WOMEN - GIVE YOUR CHILDREN YOUR NAME!!

loubluee · 10/12/2018 10:37

It need to be his name on his birth certificate.

BrutusMcDogface · 10/12/2018 10:38

Of course they need his actual surname. Can you change it on the birth certificate?

megletthesecond · 10/12/2018 10:39

He does have to use the name on his birth certificate. They're right.

But in my experience nursery, primary, secondary school plus sports clubs and cubs have all been happy to add my surname and double barrel the dc's name. Not on the register though, that has to been their legal name. But exercise books and letters home have their names double barelled.

XP has been absent for a decade so I can't officially change their name. So unofficial (and unlawful I believe) adding of my name has been going on. The law says I need to contact him to change it but I'm not contacting someone who was abusive to ask for permission.

ViragoKnows · 10/12/2018 10:39

Would your ex agree to a deed poll double barrelling DS’s surname?

Original poster

O819bridetob · 10/12/2018 10:40

Bit late now virago. I was young and naive and thought it was the done thing to give children the dad's surname. Can't change it, like pp I'm not asking permission to change it. What a horribly fucked up system

OP posts:

presentcontinuous · 10/12/2018 10:40

Tell them your surname is the preferred name by which you would like your son to be know.

Schools do this - my children's schools know my DCs' legal surname but they are known by my surname and have been for years. Their legal surname is printed on exam certificates etc but that's it, it's not a big deal.

megletthesecond · 10/12/2018 10:41

Nope. We have no contact now and he blew his top when I asked many years ago. It's not worth the risk. Best to let sleeping dogs lie and not make a fuss.

whatsthepointthen · 10/12/2018 10:41

not the same but my dd has both mine and exes name, school was fine with her just going under my name but then thats different as its already part of her name.

megletthesecond · 10/12/2018 10:43

O8 you're right it is monumentally fucked up system . I wanted to double barrel but xp wouldn't let me.

WhatsUpHun · 10/12/2018 10:43

I changed my name at 11 without permission from my father
(I know that doesn't help the op with nursery, but it might help the other posters)

GinaJabowski · 10/12/2018 10:43

I went through my life using my mothers name although my fathers name was on my BC. I think it caused a few issues for my mum when I was younger & she eventually got my BC changed to her name.

ViragoKnows · 10/12/2018 10:43

*I was young and naive and thought it was the done thing to give children the dad's surname.

We need to make sure all teenage girls know otherwise.

Original poster

O819bridetob · 10/12/2018 10:50

How, HOW in this day and age do we need permission to change their name so unfair.
It's a long time before my child is 11

OP posts:

Avrannakern · 10/12/2018 10:51

I have 2 boys. Birth certificate has their dad’s name. We havn’t seen him for 5 years (youngest was 6 months old when he left).

Their official name is still their father’s but they were known by my name in nursery, they are known by my name at the doctors, the hospital, the dentist... everywhere except the bank.

When they started school, I had to fill out a form explaining the nam change and provide proof of permission. I couldn’t provide that proof since we had no contact. My solicitor and my ex’s former solicitor wrote letters backing up my version of events and supporting the known as name. The school had to sent the documents to the legal team at the local authority. The response was “you havn’t provided the proof we need, but given the circumstances we will approve the name change. If the father ever gets in touch to complain then permission will be revoked”.

So they are known by my name at school too.

I’m in Scotland, and it’s done on a case by case basis and the local authority agreed with me. The GP and dentist have never questioned it. Hospital appointment letters come through with my surname. It’s not an issue, obvisouly passport and bank will be the official name, but as soon as they are 16 they can change that legally.

It’s worth questioning it, but different councils will do things differently.

Alfie190 · 10/12/2018 10:51

My sister changed her 5 year old daughters name to her surname after she split with unmarried partner. I am really sure he would not have given permission (out of spite, he had little to do with daughter).

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/12/2018 10:52

Might not be 100% reliable but I heard that. In the archives if you like. You're AKA your other parents surname or your mother's maiden name. Therefore that would suggest you're quite free to use either parents name.

Livinglavidal0ca · 10/12/2018 10:53

What a rubbish situation OP, I read on here to always give your child your surname if you're not married, had Ds last year and I'm only 21 so not married to his dad, gave him my surname. A couple of people have commented on it so it is the norm to have dad's surname I think!

Original poster

O819bridetob · 10/12/2018 10:56

I don't care about hospital letters etc as he doesn't ever go. It's just nursery and it hurts so much.
I've done everything to contact him to ask for permission, he hasn't responded. I don't even know if he's still alive. I haven't seen him in 5 yrs. My son doesn't remember him. I know I can't get a deedpoll or anything but would just like him known as, under my name

OP posts:

ViragoKnows · 10/12/2018 10:56

If he wasn’t on the birth certificate then thats quite possible —either that or she forged his permission for a change of name deed—

Avrannakern · 10/12/2018 11:00

If it’s a council registered nursery then ask them for the guidelines which have groverned this decision of theirs. Then ask for the application to change a name. As I did.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/12/2018 11:11

and will you be changing your child's name if you ever meet someone else and marry them?

It's ruddy ridiculous that people just keep changing their child's surname. When you have child unmarried you're likely to have a different surname to your child their whole life and there isn't a problem with that.

RB68 · 10/12/2018 11:12

It depends on whether the other person has any PR - if they have PR and you were married you can't change name without permission (need towait to 18 I believe). If they are named on BC and child has their name and they have PR you need permission but can also apply to court to change without permission (you can't if were married). If they are not named on BC and there is no PR recognition then you can change I believe. Its worth checking up but I remember thinking its harsh in abuse cases where abusive person married to childs other parent.

SlothMama · 10/12/2018 11:13

The system is rubbish, if there's no contact and he doesn't see your child there should be a way around it. But I will never understand people who have kids and give the fathers surname, if I fell pregnant now I'd double barrel even though we've been together 8 years.

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