To want my child known by a different surname

[O819bridetob]

My son has his father's surname. For nursery however I've put him under my surname but now the nursery are saying they can't do this, that he has to be under the surname that's on his birth certificate
Is this true? Am I just complicating things

When you have child unmarried you're likely to have a different surname to your child their whole life and there isn't a problem with that.

Huh? If you have a child whilst unmarried they get the name you choise for them.

Go to Citizens Advice, they have solicitors who offer free legal advice appointments.

That's tough, but I see the reason for the law. If DD's dad and I split, I wouldn't want him to be able to change her name without my permission. It cuts both ways. There probably ought to be some provision for totally absent parents though.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone

Well excuse me!

I was happy for my kids to have a different surname despite not being married. That changed when their dad decided he wanted nothing to do with the kids. His whole family then cut the kids off because he told them too.

So was I meant to bring my kids up with a surname of a family they've basically never met? They were 2 and 6 months old... They wouldn't be able to remember the family they shared a name with. So I've changed it. They share a name with the family they live with.

I will never change my surname. Not if I'm married or not; I've never wanted too. So for me, that's not an issue. But I didn't really mind them having a different name from me as if I'd married their dad, I still wouldn't have his surname. The thing I did mind was them having a family name from a family they had nothing to do with.

Ooh, apparently there is provision for absent parents.

www.deedpoll.org.uk/CanIChangeMyChildsName.html#Section6

It says '6.1 Changing a child's surname
It may be possible for a mother to change her child's surname by Deed Poll without the consent of a father (who has parental responsibility) who is absent and his whereabouts is not known. Usually, this situation arises where a mother wishes to change the surname of her child because the child has the father's surname and the father is now absent following separation or divorce. The mother may have entered into a new relationship and is using her new partner or husband's surname or has reverted to using her maiden name.

If the father has parental responsibility, is absent and his whereabouts is not known, you can apply for a Deed Poll but you need to support your application with a letter of consent, which should include information about what reasonable measures you have taken to contact the absent father - for example, writing to the father's last known address and contacting relatives and friends of the father etc. The letter should also include details of the period of absence by the father and examples of the father's lack of interest, for example, no maintenance payments and no Christmas or birthday cards or presents received by your child. See Example letter 4a (opens new window) on our example letters of consent page. We will return your letter when we post your Deed Poll documentation to you so it may be used, along with your Deed Poll, when applying to change your child's documents and records to your child's new name.'

I'm not married to my partner but I want DD to have my surname or double barrell it. When I registered DDs name I wanted both surnames by I felt pressured/coerced to let him have it. Massive regrets. Massive, massive regrets. I think in cases where people are not married, the child should have both names.

No I will not be changing my child's name again if I were to meet somebody else, but at least then our names would match (albeit maiden name).
He wasn't abusive until after I was pregnant. I regret more than anything giving his name, but I was fooled into thinking it was "forever"

I changed my son's surname without his fathers permission. He was named on the birth certificate but we split when DS was a year old and then didn't want to have anything to do with DS. Roll on another 7-8 years and I remarried and wanted DS to have the same surname as us and his younger sibling. I just explained to the deed poll people that I had no way of contacting ExH, didn't know his address etc. They were fine with this.
He's used the deed poll certificate to open bank accounts, apply for a passport etc with no problem. All his exam certificates and driving licence are in his new surname.

There is a way to change the surname. It stands to reason that you can’t change it without the consent of everyone with parental responsibility, I don’t see what is wrong with that really. There is provision to change the surname without permission and is appropriate in circumstances where the father disappears and abandons the kids for years etc. As the pp outlines above there is an option to change by deed poll without consent or you can apply to the court for a specific issue order. If you feel strongly about it seek legal advice and do something about it.

You obviously can’t change it without permission if the dad is still around and involved and you just don’t like the kids having his name anymore. But most of the instances raised here seem to involve abandonment.

What a horribly fucked up system

To be fair, it's only become a problem in the last two or three decades. Most parents were married so it was rarely an issue. This is not a moral judgment by the way, as my sister "had to get married" in 1970 and was as miserable as sin so would have been much better off remaining single. It's just a historical fact.

But hopefully, the next generation of mothers who are not married will stop giving their child the father's name so that this nonsense can finally stop. Or at the very least remove the need for the other parent to give permission to change the name if they're not going to be involved with their childr(ren).

I already contacted the name change people, they said I need permission. Despite me outling the following

• abusive, left me for dead
• left our son at 2 month old at the side of a road (thankfully in a car seat but still)
• hasn't contacted us since
• I've sent letters, emails, texts, all got no response
• my son uses my name for activities, photos in the paper, on certain letters from hv
• he is upset (as much as he understands) that we do not share the same surname.

But no I still need permission

I've already encouraged as many ladies as I can to always always give their name. At a later date it can be changed, Or added on IIRC.
I was promised forever "when we married babez well all have the same name init" I was swept up, thinking it was normal
I have my dad's name despite never knowing him. I just thought it was the done thing.

My dd4 has her fathers surname but is ‘known as’ my surname at school and most other places. It’s never been an issue and I’ve never had to explain myself to anyone so really can’t understand why you’re having such a difficult time with it x

You need to use his legal name, if you want it to be your name, with permission from his father you can change it.

Then your next step is to go to court to have his parental rights removed. If his rights are removed, you no longer need permission.

But that's hard to do, can be expensive and may bring him back into your life.

I can't believe they wont let you when my council let me.

If I were you, I'd write to my MP to see if they can bring some scrutiny onto it.

A family member gave her children her now ex partners surname. He was violent and she eventually left him.
When they went to school she had them registered with her surname, and they were always called that. No-one ever questioned it or said they had to have her ex’s surname on register or exam certificates.
I’m in Scotland though.

Did they say you need permission or a letter of consent? Because as my post outlines above, a letter detailing how long he's been out of your life and what reasonable attempts have been made to contact him is known as a 'letter of consent'.

@anniehm

RTFT. Different councils treat it differently. It's unfair.

Good idea above about going to see your MP.

8misskitty8 I had to show ds birth certificate, on that he is under the man's surname, so me trying to write my surname they were confused, said they can't do that. Has to be the name on his bc

What a horribly fucked up system

Because they won't let you use a name that isn't actually his name?

No because I can't change his name without asking for permission

I already contacted the name change people, they said I need permission. Despite me outling the following

• abusive, left me for dead
• left our son at 2 month old at the side of a road (thankfully in a car seat but still)
• hasn't contacted us since
• I've sent letters, emails, texts, all got no response
• my son uses my name for activities, photos in the paper, on certain letters from hv
• he is upset (as much as he understands) that we do not share the same surname.

But no I still need permission*

In that case forget the deed poll option and apply to court for a specific issue order. If he was abusive and left you for dead I imagine you will have no problem arguing the child having the surname of an absent violent partner poses a risk to your wellbeing. Honestly, get some legal advice or look it up online- the grounds are very clearly laid out.

@FishFingersAndCustard11

Married or not, men abandon their children all the time. Take nothing to do with them, and refuse to sign a form allowing a name change. So you're stuck raising a child with the surname of a man who abandoned them. That's what's unfair.

We shouldn't be allowed to change names whenever we feel like it or if both parents are still present. But when one parent abandons the family, is it fair to force that child to keep their dead beat parents name?