Friends without babies

[scarfhatglove]

My friends are busy and I'm busy - we have dt nearly 1 year and I work part time. It's too much. I'm leaving work until they are older but that's another story.

Anyway, my friends can just go for a night out last minute . Which I used to be able to do but now I can't. I've had to cancel recently because I asked if anyone had booked a restaurant etc. Nobody replied for days. These days out are a big thing for me now and I need to make sure I want to and can afford the restaurant , get my hair done etc. There wasn't enough time, I explained this in a nice way. No reply.

I asked how everything was their end. How work was , how other things were going for them and they did not reply. I also asked if they could go out on a different date instead and they just went "maybe". I asked if they had gone on the day out (other friends could attend even though I cancelled) and all I got back was , "no. 🙈"

Anyway last week they had gone out together and not asked me. I feel like I'm high maintence but I've got dts! And I try my best with them. I've really had enough.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them to give me warning etc. Am I being a diva?

No, YANBU. Your friends seem to be very immature.

YNBU but I found out when I had my son who my real friends were. Real friends who don't have kids might not understand exactly how hard it can be to get out and socialise once you've had a baby, but they should try and take your needs into account if they want to include you. Once I couldn't go for a night out at the drop of a hat after i had my DS, several previous 'good' friends stopped inviting me anywhere and basically dropped me. They wouldn't even pop over for a cup of tea. You should explain your situation to your friends, and maybe it will get better and they will start realising if they want to spend time with you they will need to be more considerate and give you more time.

You might end up with fewer friends, but the ones still standing will be the ones you can rely on.

Not every childless person can go out last minute.

What was stopping you booking the restaurant? Saying to everyone “right, does 7.30pm at X suit everyone?”

Maybe your friends went out on a whim and knew that you wouldn’t be able to make it at short notice. I know I’ve rung people up and said do you fancy going out tonight when I didn’t feel like it before or had no plans.

Why don’t you instigate the next night out and get more involved. Or Invite them to yours?

It sounds a bit like they're fair weather friends just interested in nights out etc and can't be bothered when it requires a bit more effort.

They sound strange. Do you talk about your DS a lot when you go out (not meant to be a criticism- it’s really hard not to when they’re the most important thing going on!). But it’s a bit boring for other if you do. Maybe you’ve accidentally done this?

That said... if a friend said they couldn’t come out because they wouldn’t have time to have their hair done first I’d think they had their priorities pretty wrong.

The worst of it is they will come crawling back once they have DC of their own and the other friends start to ditch them.

Nah. You need new friends. Your current ones don't sound like Real ones.

YANBU, sadly the one thing you don't except to happen when having kids is that some friends ditch you because you're not the free spirit you once were. It's one of the things I found hardest and I'm very mindful now when my friends have babies to have coffee at a soft play rather than a night out, or if we do have a night out give several months notice - and be gracious when they cancel last minute because baby is ill.

But please OP be kind to yourself - you've had twins, spent a year raising them - how amazing is that! Having a baby can be exceptionally lonely, whilst your child-free friends may not know that, the fact you still make an effort to try and see them despite leading a busy life shows what a good friend you are, and no one can say you aren't.

I was the first in my group of friends to have a baby, and I drifted apart from a good 50% of them because of things like this. Some of that 50% had children themselves and have since posted on social media about having babies and losing friends and getting support. Funny that!

Juniper bear I did instigate. I asked where, suggested a restaurant and time and did not hear back. I never talk about the twins because they never ask about them. Tbh I think they're a tad jealous. They're working on their careers , which is great for them. But they always comment on how lucky I am that dh has supportive parents 🙄. I'm not allowed to complain about anything.

They do this 🙄 it's not me doing this at their reaction.

I find this difficult too. I have quite a few friends that don't have children and they really don't get it. Some are lovely but some are just totally clueless.

GunpowderGelatine - if only everyone was as mindful as you, especially about being gracious when having to cancel when dc are ill. You are a lovely person.

I never talk about the twins because they never ask about them.

^This is bizarre. What kind of friends don’t ask how your children are???? Dump them, they sound like idiots

Aw thank you @Topsy44 - I have been there when you have a screaming child and you're supposed to be getting ready and it's just impossible. I lost a friendship when my DD was little cancelling a night out

My DS is almost 2 and has always been super clingy. When he was 11mo I went on my works Xmas do (I was still on maternity leave so hadn't seen anyone much during his short life so they didn't know/understand the clingyness). First time I ever left him. He was still breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle. None of my then-colleagues had kids and thought I'd be chomping at the bit for a night out (when actually on the day I was regretting saying yes). I made DH promise to call me the moment he thought DS needed me and to not leave him in distress. I ended up being called away at 9pm, which was fine by me, told DH to come and get me. they spent a good 15 minutes telling me to switch my phone off, enjoy my night, baby would be fine for 1 night, is DH usually so controlling. They just didn't get that a tiny baby's need for me to be there was more important than 8 grown adults need to have me in some bar with them. And there was no way I hell my phone was going off. I walked away from the restaurant in tears and until I left that job I was pegged as an OTT mother and DH a controlling useless dad 🙄

I will never be that kind of friend!

It’s fair enough, you need to arrange childcare etc so you don’t have as much flexibility as before. Your friends should respect that. It’s true that you find out who your friends are when your life isn’t as convenient for them as it used to be.

Having said that, most of my friends now have babies and young children so we are all in the same boat. There is always one who makes everything more difficult than it needs to be though, it gets a bit annoying. Make sure you aren’t that person. Everything you said doesn’t sound unreasonable though but I would be a bit unimpressed if you cancelled a confirmed arranged date because nobody confirmed whether a restaurant had been booked. People are busy and sometimes forget to reply, you can arrange a restaurant on the fly and don’t have to book ages in advance. I would raise an eyebrow at that to be honest.

It was more than just that though. If they had replied - I would've been able to consider if I wanted to go. Some restaurants are expensive. And also arranged to pick up clothes and do my hair etc. It was like the day before the event things were decided and I couldn't think of arranging everything.

You don't need to get your hair done to eat out though. Can't you just go with the flow a bit more?

This happens both sides of the coin. I have concluded parents and non parents simply can't be friends.

To be fair, I’ve found this from people whose children are now much older. I had someone ask me to something later on that evening and had to say “Gosh, I’d love to but unfortunately there’s no way I can get a babysitter with only a couple of hours’ notice”. Since then she keeps referring to my “difficult childcare problems”.

Her children are now grown up. Presumably she had lots of people able to look after them at short notice at the time.

@cheeseinthebutterdish that's rubbish. In my group of 6 I am the only childless one. We manage to get together with and without the children all the time. I understand that my friend's lives are very different to mine and that currently children are the biggest part of theirs. Even when we do get together our conversation doesn't revolve around parenting/kids etc - in fact they often live vicariously through me.

I was being facetious to a point Green but there is an element of truth in it, even though it hasn't yet proved true for you personally. Childless people are bored by potty training and the like; those with children mourn the fact they have to think of, well, the children. It's often an uneasy coupling.

@cheeseinthebutterdish I get that. It can often feel trying. Sometimes it can turn into a grass isn't always greener type of convo which in itself can be draining.

Out of nosiness, what do you need to do to your hair?

It was more than just that though. If they had replied - I would've been able to consider if I wanted to go. Some restaurants are expensive. And also arranged to pick up clothes and do my hair etc. It was like the day before the event things were decided and I couldn't think of arranging everything.

I would be unimpressed if your decision to join a group catch up was based on whether you particularly wanted to go to a specific restaurant, the company should be the primary motivator. No restaurant is that expensive that you can’t find a reasonably priced main and just pay for what you eat if you wanted to (granted there may be very limited exceptions to this- but then say when the restaurant is suggested, hey, bit out of budget let’s go somewhere cheaper). Doing your hair and picking out clothes can be restaurant neutral activities. If you want my honest opinion, these reasons would all irritate the hell out of me if you cancelled our plans and do make you sound a little bit like hard work.

I don’t want to pick apart your post and the rest of what you have said sounds perfectly fine and your friends sound like they are being inconsiderate arses. But seems like you could be a little more flexible notwithstanding your children issues.

Hmmm, I'm child free and I usually work around my friend with kids as I know it can be hard.

That said, you say "If they had replied - I would've been able to consider if I wanted to go." Which makes me think you sound like hard work. You want to see them or you don't. And you don't need hair doing for a restaurant.

It works both ways to be honest.

I still go out with child free people but I just go along with the plans and I don't do anything to my hair