Friends without babies

[scarfhatglove]

My friends are busy and I'm busy - we have dt nearly 1 year and I work part time. It's too much. I'm leaving work until they are older but that's another story.

Anyway, my friends can just go for a night out last minute . Which I used to be able to do but now I can't. I've had to cancel recently because I asked if anyone had booked a restaurant etc. Nobody replied for days. These days out are a big thing for me now and I need to make sure I want to and can afford the restaurant , get my hair done etc. There wasn't enough time, I explained this in a nice way. No reply.

I asked how everything was their end. How work was , how other things were going for them and they did not reply. I also asked if they could go out on a different date instead and they just went "maybe". I asked if they had gone on the day out (other friends could attend even though I cancelled) and all I got back was , "no. 🙈"

Anyway last week they had gone out together and not asked me. I feel like I'm high maintence but I've got dts! And I try my best with them. I've really had enough.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them to give me warning etc. Am I being a diva?

Usually when people stop asking asking about your children/fancy hobby/other "big thing", its because they know you won't shut up once you start on about it. And as pp say, they just aren't that interested in your children beyond social pleasantries. It's not an insult, just life.
(I'm sorry I couldn't phrase that any kinder, btw)

You do sound a bit princessy though, even though I appreciate you want to get dolled up and make the most of a rare night out. But like others, I can't see why you didn't just say "I've booked Prezzo (or whatever) at 7.30 for our meal, looking forward to seeing you all there!" instead of sitting around wondering what the plan was/whether to get your hair done etc?

Why not proactively plan something in for the New Year along those lines?

ShatnersWig I can relate to that. For a long time I just want invited to things because it supposedly wouldn’t interest me or I wouldn’t want to sit and gab about babies. I don’t particularly but then I don’t give two hoots about auditing or dog grooming or loft conversions. I still manage to chat politely about them.

Sometimes it feels like a lot of people cut you out because you’re not “in the club” so OP you have my sympathies if you’re feeling like you’re being dropped for having a different lifestyle to friends.

From all of this I've come to realise if it was one of my other friends I just would have gone but with these friends I need to make myself look amazing because I can't let myself be seen by them. They always take the piss or make nasty comments . They're not nice people. I think I was just making an excuse not to hang out with them. The fact that they are not bothered , has just shown that they won't even give an inch . I never used to cancel plans for them and they used to leave me to catch up with them (never wait for me on weekends away) but if it was someone else in the group they'd make provisions. Dunno, whatever. Like a bad boyfriend but it's hard to split up with friends.

This is just what happens when you start having children. Some friendships die.

You both could have been more understanding though. Your friend could have been more flexible but you don't need to go out and get your hair done each time. Just have a shower and do your own. You're also not being very flexible.

I think your friends are not real friends! I have A group of friends I go out with there’s 4 of us 2 with children and 2 without. I was one of the ones without (I’m 36 weeks pregnant now though) when the babies started coming along we had to adapt what we did to accommodate the children or work around childcare and that was never an issue.
I absolutely adore my friends children, I never knew you could love someone else’s child so much I’m very happy to be such a big part of their lives.
However it’s important that everyone makes the same amount of effort to make plans and arrange things regardless of who’s got children and who hasn’t.

This thread is awash with drip feeding even though people are generally very supportive.

They never show interest in your twins, they make bitchy comments about your appearance. Is there any more context to add?

They always take the piss or make nasty comments . They're not nice people.

Honestly, OP. That's not so much a major dripfeed as a total u-turn. So now you're not disappointed to have not gone out with them, in fact you don't like them, they've always behaved badly to you, and it has nothing to do with your babies, and you had to get dressed up because they are generally unpleasant about your appearance?

Ok, you just don’t like them or enjoy their company anymore. That’s ok. No need for drama or to be annoyed about it, just quietly drift away from them. Friendships change over time. Not worth falling out with anybody (as one day they’ll probably have children who’ll end up in your kids school or whatever) so just don’t initiate meet-ups and don’t worry about them.

nothing do do with the thread but Gunpowder you can get sprogs off Amazon. Just not the cute type

www.amazon.co.uk/Pink-Blue-Jelly-Sprogs-Wedding/dp/B07H739QY6/ref=sr_1_7_a_it?keywords=sprog+sweets&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1544435885&sr=8-7

This is one of those threads where I would really like to hear the other side of the story.

Someone needing a bit of notice for a night out because they have small children wouldn't bother me. But someone needing notice so they could get their hair done or buy an outfit, every time we want to arrange a casual meal out would really annoy me.

Also, I think it's quite natural that when someone has very young children they won't be able to socialise as much as they used to do. That doesn't mean their friends without children should also stop having nights out that they enjoy.
It's about give and take really. If you don't have children make time to visit friends with children, offer to babysit, meet in the park with the baby in their buggy for a Saturday morning walk, show a bit of interest in the children.
If you do have children, make sure to instigate some of these things, talk about stuff other than your children, show an interest in your friend's life and don't make remarks about how your career used to be soo important but now you have a child......, and also accept that there are things you just won't be able to take part in until the children are older.

But it doesn't sound like you're a good friend as you said you needed to decide if you want to go or not. Like you're time is more important and like you aren't bothered yourself.

I don't really understand why not knowing where you're going is a big deal. If the nights booked in advance you've sorted childcare etc then why does it matter where you're going.

If money's tight and you're worrying about the price of the restaurant how come you have money for hair and new clothes? If you really want to keep the friendship don't worry about needing to do that in advance. I think they might find it difficult that you need to know in advance

Also, you don't need to know in advance because you have children, that has nothing to do with it, it's because you want to do your hair and clothes. That's unusual