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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends without babies

112 replies

scarfhatglove · 09/12/2018 16:40

My friends are busy and I'm busy - we have dt nearly 1 year and I work part time. It's too much. I'm leaving work until they are older but that's another story.

Anyway, my friends can just go for a night out last minute . Which I used to be able to do but now I can't. I've had to cancel recently because I asked if anyone had booked a restaurant etc. Nobody replied for days. These days out are a big thing for me now and I need to make sure I want to and can afford the restaurant , get my hair done etc. There wasn't enough time, I explained this in a nice way. No reply.

I asked how everything was their end. How work was , how other things were going for them and they did not reply. I also asked if they could go out on a different date instead and they just went "maybe". I asked if they had gone on the day out (other friends could attend even though I cancelled) and all I got back was , "no. 🙈"

Anyway last week they had gone out together and not asked me. I feel like I'm high maintence but I've got dts! And I try my best with them. I've really had enough.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them to give me warning etc. Am I being a diva?

OP posts:

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 09/12/2018 19:14

Hi OP. I sympathise with you. You really find out who your friends are once you have a baby. Some of my so called friends barely ask about DS. I have always being careful not to talk too much about my pregnancy and him etc. However I have made some lovely new mum friends.

Original poster

scarfhatglove · 09/12/2018 19:27

Things haven't been good between us for a while so a crappy restaurant was just enough to tip me into not going. I have been such a good friend to them but they haven't got a clue what it's like to have dts. They've only been over to see them about twice and they never ask how they are. I used to send them photos once in a while (I didn't baby spam them). Once every month maybe , like an update but nothing. I understand it might be boring but their careers are boring too but I ask how things are. To be honest I think it kills them that I have everything they want. My friend always comments that she's 32 and not even married (her oh is childish). I feel like a punching bag.

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/12/2018 19:33

Definitely true that you find out who your friends are. I have friends who disappeared off the radar and ones that never ask after my DD, I’m not expecting to talk to them in-depth about her sleep patterns, but a simple how is she would do.
I also have great friends who are very sweet but just don’t understand, they don’t understand that having them over after work is too difficult when I have to bath a toddler and put my house back together or that let’s go to a restaurant bring the bubba is a lovely offer but my idea of hell.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2018 19:35

Really dinksaur you think anyone on any budget, no matter how small, should go to any restaurant their friends dictate even expensive ones? And of course you get places that don't have a cheap main! If it's about the company then why not pick the cheapest place to suit everyone?

corkandwood · 09/12/2018 19:36

I am embarrassed to say that before I had kids. I had NO idea what it was like. I feel really cringy about how I was. I really didn't get what an effort it was to go for a night out when you have young ones If your friends one day have kids they too will probably look back, like I do, and think, 'God I was such a wanker'.

(I did however ask about their kids and spent three years listening to a friend literally talk about nothing but her daughter in the expectation that one day she would return to talking about something else as well).

Bombardier25966 · 09/12/2018 19:37

To be honest I think it kills them that I have everything they want.

Except for friends, a social life, a career...

You're quite whiney and pretty arrogant, that's going to make you hard work. Maybe they've been looking for a reason to distance themselves from you for a while, and your lack of availability has made that easier.

They're no longer your friends. Time to move on.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2018 19:37

In OP's defence of my friends said "let's go out on X day" and I text nearer the time to ask about plans (assuming that the instigator had made the plans unless stated otherwise) and got no replies I'd assume the night was cancelled. I certainly wouldn't be begging them to reply to me!

Julianaa · 09/12/2018 19:39

OP, it's unlikely your friends are jealous of your kids. They're just not interested in them. Other people's children aren't interesting.

I don't understand why you didn't suggest to book a restaurant. Do you always expect others to do the planning for a night out?

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 09/12/2018 19:39

The broader problem is it is tough being friends with childless people when you have them. The reality is they don’t really want to come to see your children (unless they happen to love kids) or really hear about sleepless nights and weaning etc. It is boring and they can’t relate to it. For them, nothing has changed, but for you everything has. However, a decent friend would at least feign an interest. I found it got easier after the baby stage as I started to get more of a rounded life back and could easily converse with childless friends about other things without any effort. Then as years went by they weren’t childless anymore and wanted to talk about sleepless nights and weaning after all. You may find that eventually the tables turn!

In the interim, I split my time between my friends with kids who could relate and were interested and the ones without (although some very good friends without kids were still fine). I doubt it is anything personal, although it can’t help but feel that way. You are just doing different things to them right now.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2018 19:41

Awful they don't ask about your DC though. My friends LB was in hospital with pneumonia at 1 week old, was there for 14 nights. A week after he came out she went to a friends house for drinks (something she agreed to when pregnant not having a clue how hard that would be or that her DS would be recovering from illness), not wanting to cancel on fear of offending them. Her friends spent the night browsing Tinder and didn't ask once how her son was, so she went home early and got a snotty text the next day. They haven't spoken to her since. Some people are just twats and it takes something like having a baby to see it

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 09/12/2018 19:44

I get where you’re coming from @scarfhatglove

I was the first of my friends to have a baby and now I have two my child free chums have basically dropped me. One by one they went and without any real drama (bar one) but after pedalling so hard to bend over backward to try and be spontaneously free; organise dinners/drinkies; make real quality time for them whilst trying the balance a PT job and two under two at one point my patience just snapped about three months ago.

One cancelled on me for the 6th time
Another cancelled with two hours to go until dinner
And the banter with another has basically evaporated now because - hey - I’m boring.

In total four friendships have fallen/are falling and all with child free friends (one now actually has a child but we have not spoken for 18mo).

I just cannot keep trying and getting fuck all back. My sympathies OP; just work on your circle locally because if you are away to leave work then you could end up quite isolated and depressed.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 09/12/2018 19:50

Really dinksaur you think anyone on any budget, no matter how small, should go to any restaurant their friends dictate even expensive ones? And of course you get places that don't have a cheap main! If it's about the company then why not pick the cheapest place to suit everyone?

I would say generally you and your friends know the general standard of restaurant you frequent. I think I also made it clear that there are exceptions to there always being a reasonable main and in such an instance you would simply raise the issue pick a cheaper place to suit everyone. It’s not exactly complicated, it’s how people communicate and make arrangements whether it be a month or day in advance.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2018 19:54

Fair enough dinosaur but like the OP I would need more than a day's notice I think a lot of people would. My DH works very varied hours and dropping everything to go out on a whim just isn't possible. And as I said earlier I'd expect the person instigating the night out to sort the arrangements

TurnipCake · 09/12/2018 19:55

To be honest I think it kills them that I have everything they want

That's pretty unpleasant. You might not think this attitude comes across to them, but maybe it does and maybe this is the reason they're not making more of an effort to involve you?

1981m · 09/12/2018 19:57

I think you sound quite hard work and I can see how they might get irritated. You need to know where it is in advance so you can decide to go or not! That's pretty rude. So it's not actually childcare holding you back then. You want the best of both worlds by the sound of it.

You don't need to do you hair or pick out clothes in advance, that's definitely not a reason to cancel. If you're that busy you wouldn't have time to do that anyway. Maybe they are picking up on the vibe that you're not bothered. I would think that's a pretty feeble excuse.

I think you need to go with the flow. Book the evening out if that's the decided date and stick with it. I don't think you need to cancel because you didn't know where you were going or if it's your perfect choice.

I remember being desperate to go out with my dcs were young. I couldn't get out the door fast enough, getting my hair done was the least of my worries. I was lucky to put make up on.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 09/12/2018 19:58

By the way as very badly as this is put

To be honest I think it kills them that I have everything they want

It could very well be true.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 09/12/2018 20:00

Fair enough dinosaur but like the OP I would need more than a day's notice I think a lot of people would. My DH works very varied hours and dropping everything to go out on a whim just isn't possible. And as I said earlier I'd expect the person instigating the night out to sort the arrangements

But it isn’t dropping everything to go out on a whim at a day’s notice, it’s a pre arranged night out with X amount of notice, just no specific restaurant selected. I think I make more arrangements without a restaurant selected until the actual day than those planned before (obviously area is agreed in advance). Perhaps I just have really reasonable friends and have never had to cancel plans on the day because we couldn’t agree on where we were going to eat?! I haven’t heard of anyone else cancelling plans for this reason either though, it’s not exactly contentious.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2018 20:14

Meh. get new friends. Make friends with people with dc.
Things change when you have kids.

I doubt they jealous of you

iamyourequal · 09/12/2018 20:14

To be honest I think it kills them that I have everything they want
I think you sound like a bit of a spoilt princess with that line OP. Also, your post reads as if you are buying a new outfit and going to get your hair done just to have a night catching up with friends, but then quibbling over whether the restaurant is too expensive. That sounds a bit of a contradiction too.

It’s absolutely rotten your friends don’t ask after your twins though. Unless they don’t need to because you are right in there telling them every baby detail when you meet up. It’s sad, but perhaps now would be a good time to focus on building other friendships.

Original poster

scarfhatglove · 09/12/2018 20:20

Not a princess just want to make sure I look my best when I go out because they are few and far between now I have less time and money. I just wanted it to be organised properly - which I tried to do but everyone ignored me. It comes across wrong that "they have everything I want". I ask them all the time about their careers and they always reply like they hate it and never ask me how my dts are.

OP posts:

Procne · 09/12/2018 20:36

Well, I think you've answered your own question here. For your friends this was a casual evening of the kind they have regularly, which didn't need pre-prep or hair dos or any forethought about which restaurant. Whereas for you, it's an entirely different, much rarer and more special occasion, and you want much more forward planning, dressing up and hair. It's no ones' fault, it's just a mismatch of expectations.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/12/2018 20:46

TBF I think they are ignoring you because you sound insufferably smug and demanding and in all probability don't hide the fact that you think they are jealous of you.

KnightlyMyMan · 09/12/2018 20:47

OP- you’re not being unreasonable but it sounds like your friends are trying to distance themselves from you and I’m not sure they’re being unreasonable either.

When your life changes dramatically (like it does when you have kids) it’s easy to think ‘well I just need more notice or to be more organised’ but actually, whilst that works for you it might not be what your friends want.

I’m mid twenties and childfree- I like spontaneous plans as I’ll have the rest of my life (after I have kids) to plan months in advance.

GunpowderGelatine · 09/12/2018 20:47

For your friends this was a casual evening of the kind they have regularly, which didn't need pre-prep or hair dos or any forethought about which restaurant.

This rather strange assumption that the OP gets trussed up and her friends don't has me picturing them sitting in a restaurants in leggings and cardigans while the OP has a cocktail dress, long silk gloves, a tiara and rubies saying "I don't get out much now I have children"

Original poster

scarfhatglove · 09/12/2018 20:48

I'm not smug. They might not be jealous but they never ask about my life and I always ask about theirs. What if it might be true that they are jealous? What would be a better way to say it? Or is it not right to say that you think someone is jealous? I would never say it to their faces of course.

OP posts:

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