Friends without babies

[scarfhatglove]

My friends are busy and I'm busy - we have dt nearly 1 year and I work part time. It's too much. I'm leaving work until they are older but that's another story.

Anyway, my friends can just go for a night out last minute . Which I used to be able to do but now I can't. I've had to cancel recently because I asked if anyone had booked a restaurant etc. Nobody replied for days. These days out are a big thing for me now and I need to make sure I want to and can afford the restaurant , get my hair done etc. There wasn't enough time, I explained this in a nice way. No reply.

I asked how everything was their end. How work was , how other things were going for them and they did not reply. I also asked if they could go out on a different date instead and they just went "maybe". I asked if they had gone on the day out (other friends could attend even though I cancelled) and all I got back was , "no. 🙈"

Anyway last week they had gone out together and not asked me. I feel like I'm high maintence but I've got dts! And I try my best with them. I've really had enough.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them to give me warning etc. Am I being a diva?

"Alexa. Order me some sprogs"

Their lack of replies would annoy me, but honestly I think you are being precious. And I say this as a (also part time) working mum of the same age child.

Getting your hair done and worrying about outfit just for dinner seems precious, and assuming you've got a partner, then unless he works evenings, I don't see why you can't do last minute plans.

I often have the opposite problem where people don't invite me because they assume I can't do last minute with a toddler. I've told them many a time, just give me 15 mins to shove a new outfit on, and leave, and one of us can come. Unless you need to liase re your partners working patterns, I honestly don't see the need for planning it like a military operation. I think you are putting obstacles in the way because you don't really want to see them.

So sorry did not mean to offend. I agree with you that true friends should understand. I did not mean to offend you. I am just slightly pissed off (not at you). I should've thought.

Agree @PurpleDaisies!

I've tried staying friends! Its them
Not wanting to stay friends with me.

Sorry, cut off too quickly! Just agreed that there are nice people and there are arseholes. I think @PurpleDaisies is right about that. There are smug people at all stages of the spectrum. OP, congrats on your twins btw!

Thank you!

No you are not. I'm going to sound really sad but when I was pregnant my friends were all in similar situations. So I thought great we can all hangout with our babies and they'll ne the best of friends. Wrong. They are friends but completely excluded me and 8 years on I've still no idea why. My hubby friends are single and no kids. They asked about booking a table for christmas this year. The day they choose doesn't suit us so we asked could they change it. Bearing in my mind to meet them we have a 2hour drive. They never drive to us. So ut is difficult. Sorry to sound down but thats my reality.

In this day and age I would much sooner suspect someone was uninterested in other's kids than jealous of their lifestyle! My friends with kids love them to pieces, but its our lifestyle that is the one they hanker for a bit (all at the toddler stage looking forward to a bit more freedom!). We know this because we talk to each other, I'm not putting words in anyone's mouth.

And we had a catch up with our only toddler-parent friends in town last night. The only ones who could come to see us, rearranging their babysitting to make us a priority. Possibly all the rest were buying outfits or getting their hair done.

This is one of those threads where I'm half inclined to tag several people with “ Try to be less of a cunt”

Hope you get a night out soon op.

Your friends have planned in advance in terms of setting a date. Surely you all agree together where you are eating? That is what I have always done with friends. So none of this waiting to see if the restaurant is good enough for me to want to go out.
I also haven't answered on social media or texts straight away. If you are incredibly busy it is easy to think to yourself, I will answer that once I have looked at the menu online, and then not go round to it for a few days.
And yes, they know you can not make spontaneous arrangements so won't bother to ask you if its a night out of the kind - is anyone free to meet after work in an hour?

Also your attitude of thinking your friends are jealous of you having kids and being married may well come across. Smugness is never attractive.

Am I the only one wondering what dts is?

Op they sound so insensitive. I'd just keep in touch but distance myself a bit until they grow up some more. You might regret falling out with them or wasting your time trying too hard. Maybe catch up for a coffee every now and then for a bit.

OP from reading your post and updates, I don't think YABU. It does sound like you have made an effort with your friends and they haven't reciprocated.

FWIW I think raising twins is incredibly difficult, and anyone who manages to do it and still retain some semblance of a life or sanity is doing very well.

I think that you've had some harsh feedback, which is a shame. Please don't take it to heart. Unfortunately these People With Children vs People Without threads pop up quite regularly on Mumsnet, and a few of the usual suspects are already starting what invariably turns into a bit of a bun fight.

Maybe give your friends one more chance then just let the friendship drift away.

You are staying you have to be more organised cause if the kids. At which point did this become the freinds responsibility. They didn't choose to have children so you really can't expect them to change to accommodate YOUR lifestyle choices.

I've tried staying friends

Have you? From what you've said here you've expected them to arrange everything to fit specifically around you and your life and then you decide whether to just show up like the Queen if you like what they're offering. What's wrong with your arms and mouth? Why can't you organise something and invite them if their restaurants and event choices aren't good enough for her Royal Highness?

I know it's not their responsibilty to arrange things around me and that it was my choice to have kids , of course.

But friends support each other , nobody is perfect. One day they will need me to accomodate them.

Things haven't been great for a while with them and to be honest. I feel like I was always the one to accomodate them - i'd bend over backwards always. Now I have kids I can't do that - so now they are just not bothered.

But OP, no one went on the first night out! It didn’t happen in the end so it sounds like everyone was busy & just didn’t get around to it rather than them deliberately being difficult so it wasn’t actually about you.

As for the second night out, you yourself said you need to plan in advance so I can see why you weren’t invited if it was a last minute thing.

They definitely should be planning some nights out in advance to accommodate you but I think you need to make peace with the fact that sometimes they will be too busy to do this & meet ups will be a last minute thing.

Unfortunately these People With Children vs People Without threads pop up quite regularly on Mumsnet, and a few of the usual suspects are already starting what invariably turns into a bit of a bun fight.

It shouldn’t be people with children vs those without though. It should be considerate friends vs non-considerate friends. The lack of babies is irrelevant.

You need to get your hair done to go out with friends? You sound like you are really hard work. I expect they are just fed up with your high maintenance ways.

@jukejuke Dts = Dear Twins

I think that you probably need to make some new friends that are easier. Friendships shouldn't be hard work. Now I have a young baby I rarely go out in the evening (DD is well known for screaming the house down or refusing to feed with other people but at not even 4 months I'll let her off). Make some mum friends and go on coffee dates during the day. It's much easier. There are a few core friends that I still see and they often come over to me when baby is in bed. Stop over thinking it.

PurpleDaisies Having or not having children is relevant, the OP herself is saying it was the catalyst in this, so there's no getting away from it really.

And the threads come up so frequently that you can't deny there is often friction between those with children and those without, as unfortunate as that may be.

I know nobody went out the original evening - i wished them well and hoped they enjoyed their evening , I also asked how everything was their end and offered to organise another night out. All I got was "maybe" i'd be able to attend. Like they're in a mood because I want time to prepare - nothing wrong with that sorry! And if they wanted a spontanious night out that's fine it's just a bit crap they haven't replied to my message then just gone out.

Works both ways. As a childfree person I tried to be as flexible as possible with friends who had kids but they basically would only socialise with other new parent friends encountered at nursery/school.