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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think separate accounts are odd?

448 replies

AntMoon · 09/12/2018 15:34

How many married/partnered mumsnetters have separate bank accounts to their other halves?

I'm assuming that the majority of people in long-term relationships have joint accounts. I've been with DH 9 years and we've had joint bank, savings & joint credit card account for years.

It it more 'modern' to keep everything separate these days?

OP posts:
Ifangyow · 09/12/2018 20:15

@iknowthatguy.
It's been paid in that way for around 30 years, when we first started getting paid into the bank instead of pay packets.
Some employers will allow this even today with the employees consent.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2018 20:15

Lots of couples on mn seem to organise it so that they have equal spending money.

This must work Otherwise so many wouldnt do it. But I don't really get how it works in practise, can anyone explain please?

In our house it wouldn't work at all because dh spends loads more than me on personal stuff. This is fine because I don't want anything. His hobby is far more expensive, he likes socialising much more. He probably spends easily 10x what I do on personal things.

In my mind, equal spends could descend in to some farcical situation like when someone orders a lobster they don't want instead of the salad they did, because they know the bill is split.
What if eg you have £50 each a week, on Monday person A buys a top for £50. It gets to Friday and person A wants to go to the pub but person B wants to stay in with the kids and a movie. Does person B give A their £50, do they lend it?, or does B go because it's their turn to spend?
This system is clearly popular, please can someone explain it?

luckylavender · 09/12/2018 20:16

Married 27 years, 1 child. Separate accounts - works for us.

PattiStanger · 09/12/2018 20:16

Why is it odd that people have different arrangements for things?

MaryShelley1818 · 09/12/2018 20:19

Married 7 days!
1 child
Separate accounts and a joint account and a joint savings account.

UserMe18 · 09/12/2018 20:22

@arethereanyleftatall we have equal spending money, I spend mine almost instantly as I'm a spender always wanting clothes etc, my husband likes to let his build up, he just saves it basically. He's more likely to make bigger purchases but he's the sort that likes savings anyway, I'm not good in that respect. Essentially we spend it how we like to spend, DH doesn't feel the need to spend just because, that's why we have separate accounts as well as sharing money.

CharltonLido73 · 09/12/2018 20:24

We opened a joint account for our salary cheques when we married 30 years ago and were planning a family. All the money in one pot, so no arguments about who pays what, etc. Never had any issues, but neither of us are big spenders and have a similar outlook with regard to money.

We do have separate ISAs, though - although we still regard all our joint savings as belonging to both of us.

WinterfellWench · 09/12/2018 20:26

@Antmoon No need to say sorry Smile and I am sorry if I came across as arsey. It's just - as I said - no matter what I did in the past, people slagged me off for it, so yeah I probably am taking it a bit personally LOL.

I do wonder though, in a case where one of the couple is earning much more - in this case let's say the MAN. Wink Say he is picking up £2500 a month, and his partner/wife is picking up £1000 a month. Both working the same amount of hours, but he has a much higher salary....

When they go to book a holiday (for example) and it costs £1500, do they still pay half each? And do they pay half each for rent/mortgage, and bills? Coz if they do, SHE will have waaaay less surplus income. Or does he say, pay £1000 and she pays £500? (For the holiday.) And if the rent is £600 a month, he pays £400 and she pays £200?

Thing is, if they pay half each of everything, you're going to get one person (lower earner) with nothing left, and the other with hundreds of pounds a month surplus OR, if you get the other person (higher earner) paying more all the time, will they not get resentful, and think 'why do I have to carry her all the time? Why can't she get a better job etc....?

Always been curious about that. Coz when me and DH had separate accounts, we earned roughly the same. And now we have joint, we still earn roughly the same. Just wondered how things go if you have separate accounts, and one is a much higher earner.......

SingaporeSlinky · 09/12/2018 20:27

Separate accounts here, plus a joint one that we pay equal money into, and household bills and food shopping come out of. I told my husband early on that I’d always have a ‘running away’ fund just in case. Think it was after watching Sleeping With The Enemy with Julia Roberts. I’ve never had reason to need it, but just like having that element of freedom and independence.

Plus it feels weird to buy my DH presents from a joint account.

redtulip12 · 09/12/2018 20:37

We have been together 18 years and have a joint account. Everything is family money.
I gave up a good job to be a sahm would never have worked if I hadn't had free access to all our income! Couldn't be doing with an allowance!
Even though for 10 years my husband earned well and I earned nothing, he put the same amount in savings accounts in each of our our names.
However we both have the same attitude to money and understand what works for us is t the same for everyone.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2018 20:37

Thank you @UserMe18
In essence, it's exactly the same as us then, everyone just spends what they want, just a different way of organising it. I guess your way, if you like spending, means you can't get too carried away and spend his as well!

sanityisamyth · 09/12/2018 20:42

Wish I'd never had a joint account. ExH would never have been able to steal £28,000 from it, or take out fraudulent cards and loans in my name. Didn't realise he was the most financially abusing person I've ever met.

UserMe18 · 09/12/2018 20:43

@arethereanyleftatall yeah it mostly works for us but it's not perfect tbh, it is hard when we have different spending habits and there's still discrepancies over how to spend joint money (as I say I'm a happy spender and will buy things for the house whereas my husband would rather save) so we are still feeling out how to better manage joint money and looking to do things a bit differently next month, any tips appreciated! We've been together over 14 years and still working things out ha.

Original poster
AntMoon · 09/12/2018 20:48

@WinterfellWench thanks for your reply! And I totally get it's a sensitive subject. I wish I hadn't worded the thread 'odd' as I didn't quite mean that at all. Facepalm.

A few commenters have mentioned their 'half' of the bills is actually in line with salaries, so if partner A earns double than partner B, partner A will pay more percentage wise.

I can see why finances can get sticky between couples. But after being together a while, and getting married, in an ideal world you become a unit and it's not so much mine/theirs but ours. Again, in an ideal world.

My DH bought far more savings into the relationship (he's older than me & had saved more) but I'm the (much) better investor. We're a unit. Financial assets are all named 50/50 so we're both totally secure. He can't 'run off' and neither can I Grin

OP posts:
PlatypusPie · 09/12/2018 20:50

We have separate personal and savings accounts plus a joint account for convenience that we both pay into and out of which all the household costs are paid. Also individual and joint ( lead plus supplementary) credit cards . We do discuss things like major expenditures, savings and investments but we also have autonomy about those decisions. It’s how most people I know arrange their finances so I find the alternative of everything being joint quite ‘odd’ as the OP put it. And we aren’t young and have been married for a very long time !

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 09/12/2018 20:53

We were together for 16yrs, and never had a joint account. Thank fuck for that. It meant that when I left, that was one less thing to sort out, and his later bankruptcy didn't impact on me.

reallyanotherone · 09/12/2018 20:54

Separate accounts. Have done for 15 years.

One thing to think about is if you only have joint accounts, what happens if one of you dies? Happened to my mum and all the accounts were locked until wills/probate were sorted. May be different now as back in my mums day women were still seen as secondary to the man of the house. Still wasn’t fun for a few weeks with no money though.

Ivegotthree · 09/12/2018 20:56

We have a joint account, and my separate account. I feel rather proud of myself to have wangled this arrangement, and we have been married for 14 years and hopefully for many more.

When we met he earned a lot more than me so added me to his account as, for example, I was buying stuff for HIS house. There was no point adding him to my paltry account.

Now I am on good money but the arrangement still stands. I barely touch our joint account, unless he has seriously fucked me off in which case I might buy myself lunch, or a coat.

I consider us a very solid couple! But equally I think I am getting away with murder.

Micah · 09/12/2018 20:59

Wish I'd never had a joint account. ExH would never have been able to steal £28,000 from it

Same with dh and his ex. Emptied all the joint accounts and savings accounts, then kicked him out for her OM. About £20k, plus a 50k remortgage she talked him into a month before that he was then liable for.

yellowtipped · 09/12/2018 21:02

We have separate accounts and a "joint" account in his name that all the bills get paid from.

We pay in our shares (his larger than mine as he earns more), keep the rest as our own money.

People think it's weird but the house is almost paid off and it works for us.

LynseyLou1982 · 09/12/2018 21:10

I've been with my DP for 5 years, lived together for 3 and we've just had a baby earlier this year. We've got our own separate accounts that our wages go into and then a joint account that we both pay a set amount into for the mortgage, bills, food shops and now childcare then whatever's left in our own accounts is our own. I'd hate to think of DP spending my money and vice versa

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 09/12/2018 21:11

I was a SAHM for 15 years and DH ALWAYS said that all money was OUR money. I now bring home every month about what he earns in a week... it’s all still OUR money..... I only really “check” if I want to spend over £100 on anything other than household shopping and that is just out of habit from when we really didn’t have much money. “I’ve seen something I want” is generally met with “so long as it’s not alive you can have it”.

twiglet · 09/12/2018 21:19

We have both a joint account for household bills which we both pay into (percentage salary wise) and our individual savings and accounts.

We get better interest rates having separate savings accounts as we regularly switch them when the interest drops off but our joint account is always stable for bills etc.

We also spend and save very differently. DH does regular smaller amounts automatically across several accounts, whereas I prefer chunks into two accounts.

It's all personal preferences.

WinterfellWench · 09/12/2018 21:28

I agree there is no right or wrong.

WinterfellWench · 09/12/2018 21:28

A few commenters have mentioned their 'half' of the bills is actually in line with salaries, so if partner A earns double than partner B, partner A will pay more percentage wise.

Hmmmm yeah I read a few posts like that after I had posted my post.

Thanks @antmoon

I do wonder though, if the higher earner would eventually resent it?

Thing is, me and DH have always earned the same (roughly,,,)