To think separate accounts are odd?

[AntMoon]

How many married/partnered mumsnetters have separate bank accounts to their other halves?

I'm assuming that the majority of people in long-term relationships have joint accounts. I've been with DH 9 years and we've had joint bank, savings & joint credit card account for years.

It it more 'modern' to keep everything separate these days?

We have separate accounts and I wouldn't want it any other way!

We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, and use a paypal account to pay for family related expenses (both put in a certain amount every month)

Works for us.

@Graphista you're assuming a great deal which sadly isn't true for me. (I don't have full health, yes I've been screwed over in a past relationship hence my deal breaker with debt) etc.

But without boring you with the book of my life, I've not had it easy. Parts have been hell on earth. So maybe I'm defensive about being proud of my achievements after overcoming so much?

But I do think there's a good point there and I should appreciate the lucky factor more, definitely taking that on board!

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through too

AntMoon - yes. You did. I work in a rehab unit for people who have experienced life changing injuries and your posts are basically a giant slap in the face for all of them.

I've also worked with the homeless in a previous job. You are basically buying into a deeply unhealthy social myth that wealth is the product of moral virtue and that the poor deserve to be that way which in my experience isn't true at all. I am glad you've been able to escape poverty but describing those who have not been able to as entitled and lazy is deeply unfair.

Your assuming a lot too though ant, re debt and hard work in corralation to wage.
You can't be surprised when people get defensive when you make such statements.

We don't and never have had separate accounts. I've always thought it was a poor idea.

However I've got to an age where I thoroughly regret that thinking, because DH refuses to save, and I always want to . He tends of win, in practice.

Ceilingrose-so open a savings account of your own. Easily done.

I think certain posters are being monumentally unfair and projecting at the OP now and they should ask themselves why. Nobody can presume to know where anyone else comes from or their individual struggles. It’s highly disingenuous. The OP simply speaks for herself and no more.

@Alaaya & @Tuptup

Thanks both.

I need to be more careful over how I word things, for sure. I didn't realise how black & white my posts were coming across. Mortified!

RE my debt comment, I meant if I started dating a guy that had twenty CCJs, spent money on booze rather than his kids, and generally didn't take responsibility for his priorities - that would be a turn off. Not hard working people doing what they can to get by.

Hope I've clarified and redeemed myself slightly!

We’ve been together 25 years, never had a joint bank account. I don’t work so just use his for everyday stuff and I have a little in mine so I can get surprises for Xmas etc.

OP do you not have any type of ISA's?

They can't be joint can they due to tax implications?

@1ndig0 I'm so relieved I'm not offending everyone!

I should have qualified what I meant with my debt comment - I can see how that got some backs up. Lesson 1: don't use the word Odd. Lesson 2: no generalised statements.

@BatsAreCool

No I don't have ISAs, our investments are in brick-and-mortar, in both names.

I don’t agree with that! We are comfortable now but in the early years when I was the only earner and our mortgage payment was only about £40 less than my monthly take home, we still had a joint account! Nothing affluent about our situation back then!

I said affluence or stupidity, in this case it would be your partner who was stupid if you were the only earner. He would have been stuffed if you had decided to leave suddenly as even if you didn't clear out the bank account it sounds like there was nothing in it anyway.

AntMoon - don’t worry it’s AIBU!

I think these threads always get very defensive. It seems there are many reasons people have separate finances -

Some people have separate finances simply as a way if budgeting or keeping track if what goes where - eg. one salary pays for x,y,z and the other account a,b,c, but they still essentially think if it all as family money. It’s just like opening one shared account for bills, another for day-to-day expenses, etc. It’s just in different names.

Some people feel more independent with their own account. Maybe they’re wary because of past experiences? Maybe they are more sensitive / irritated by the DH having different spending patterns to them? Maybe they would feel perpetually judged by the DH for their spending so need to protect themselves from this under the illusion of independence? Perhaps they are slightly controlling about money generally? Maybe they don’t trust the DH for good reason? Or maybe they just like things to be very clear cut about what “mine” and what’s “his?” I’m sure there’s many other reasons obviously.

I think what many people do find “odd” is when married couples literally have no concept of family finances at all and essentially live like two separate people who happen to have DC together - eg. the story of one person flying economy while the other can afford business; feeling the need to “pay each other back” for a taxi or painstakingly splitting bills in restaurants, etc. I think this is the type if set up that baffles many people.

Yes to all your points, but I'm not lucky; I've worked incredibly hard for it. I'm more or less retired at 34, as the business takes very little of my time. And I wouldn't have married anyone without the same work ethic!

So you think that you have worked "incredibly hard" despite the fact that you have presumably only worked for less than 15 years of your life and now you make money by practically doing nothing. What a joke. Some people are totally clueless.

Who are you to judge her though Dungeon? What’s your agenda here? People are allowed to say they have worked hard aren’t they? It’s not mutually incompatible with nurses working hard, or whoever. Each to their own.

1ndig0 - but when people say "I'm not lucky, I've worked hard to be independently wealthy at 34 and I wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't as financially successful as me as that would show a poor attitude/entitlement/laziness" they aren't just speaking for themselves. They are explicitly making a moral judgement on other people who don't have that - "debt shows X attitude" - and that belief is very widespread in our society and is actively harmful to some very vulnerable people. A lot of the folk I work with feel huge shame at having financial difficulties despite it normally being due to injuries which would knock any of us for six.

I don't want to put the boot in to the OP who has said she didn't mean it that way and I totally get that it is so easy to misspeak on AIBU. God knows I've done it. But I don't think people are being U for challenging those comments either.

i had joint accounts with exh which ended very badly.

Now, with DH we have joint account for all normal spending and bills, a joint savings account, plus all our own personal accounts for savings and credit cards

While its seemingly good that op has apologised for the value judgments she applied to people who aren't doing as well as her the fact she did word it the way she did betrays that this is how she thinks.

If it weren't she would never have written that as the thought wouldn't have even occurred to her.

Such attitudes are a big problem at the moment which are preventing the most vulnerable from getting the help they need.

You don't know what's around the corner. Anyone in a good position now can easily and actually frighteningly quickly find themselves in dire straits due to divorce, illness, injury, bereavement etc.

And even if you're LUCKY enough to not have to deal with any of that outside of the normal path of life then it's good to appreciate that you're lucky and not completely attribute your good fortune to "working hard" or "making the right choices".

Hard work & wise choices are elements of how someone ends up in whatever position they're in but they are far from the whole reason.

@Dungeondragon15

Maybe it's relative? I've worked hard for 15+ years, so to me at my age that is my life building to where I am now.

It was wrong to say it's only hard work and not luck - I've been lucky things have worked out financially. Good decisions at the right times etc. I was feeling defensive putting it down to just luck, because I've been unlucky recently with my health. And personally, for me, if I started to think in terms of luck/unlucky then I'd be at risk of being bitter. But I can see how it read. Me & luck are friends again!

At the moment I'd swap everything I have to change something that no amount of money can help.

Gosh this intended light-hearted thread caused some good insights! Thanks all.

@Graphista

Hard work & wise choices are elements of how someone ends up in whatever position they're in but they are far from the whole reason.

That sums it up really well!

We have both, We use the Joint account as a bill account and then the personal one is supposed to be for savings, though i haven't managed to save anything yet

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married almost 3 and we have totally separate finances. It works for us and we'll keep going as we are until it no longer makes sense.

DH and I have separate accounts but that's down to laziness. We never changed them. I set Direct Debits up from DH's account (he's the breadwinner), I transfer money to mine when I need it and I get my PT job cheque in his name and cashed into his account because my local branch closed and his is in the village. I then either leave the money in his or take out what I need. It's his money but I can get it when I want.

Now keeping finances separate? That I think is a little sad. Even if they earn different amounts. It's a partnership.

I don't see the issue with people saying they had to work hard to get something.

Irrespective of the luck of the draw I have worked hard and not so hard at different points in my life. Sometimes I have had to put an awful amount of effort in to get something whereas other times I have not bothered.

When people say I worked hard to get where they are financially I take it in the meaning that they have actively chosen to do x over y when they had the choice to do both. If they only had the choice to do y then they haven't worked hard or not because there is only one route.