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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think separate accounts are odd?

448 replies

AntMoon · 09/12/2018 15:34

How many married/partnered mumsnetters have separate bank accounts to their other halves?

I'm assuming that the majority of people in long-term relationships have joint accounts. I've been with DH 9 years and we've had joint bank, savings & joint credit card account for years.

It it more 'modern' to keep everything separate these days?

OP posts:
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 18:24

We have separate and joint. Joint only has bill money (including kids). I find only having joint ones weird, how do you buy Christmas presents for each other?

Original poster
AntMoon · 09/12/2018 18:36

@mortifiedmama never found a problem RE presents, to keep something a surprise then just use good old fashioned cash instead of debit/credit card & buy from local shops as we're both community minded anyway (helped by great shopping where we live). :)

OP posts:
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 18:46

AntMoon we don't really have shops near us, certainly not the type that sell presents DH would want! Need to do most of it online.

OrdinarySnowflake · 09/12/2018 18:48

This comes up every now and then on here. In my group of friends, only 2 have only joint account (out of about 10 couples), and both have ended up arguing about spending at some point.

It really only works when both in a couple spend in the same way, in our case, dh is someone who'll spend nothing for months then suddenly buy £300 pair of shoes. I am more "little and often" in my spending. We have a joint account for bills/family expenses, then our own accounts, which have roughly the same amount of "fun money" each month. If dh saves his up and buys something I think is obsensely expensive, or if I fritter mine away on lots of coffees out and cheap clothes that don't last, we don't argue about it, because it's budgeted for and we have the same spending power over the year.

1ndig0 · 09/12/2018 18:52

I agree OP and tbh I had never realised married couples had separate bank accounts until I came on MN! I just don’t know why you would bother because surely it all goes on mutual costs and the kids anyway? If you want to buy something for yourself, then you just buy it - assuming one if you is not an insane spendaholic or gambler, then who cares? If DH buys me a gift, it’s not as if I rush off to check statements to see how much it cost Confused. It doesn’t matter how much it cost because that’s his decision and I trust him and vice versa. Why the need for secrecy?

1ndig0 · 09/12/2018 18:56

To be honest, if you wanted to find out how much a gift cost, you could probably just look it up online anyway, if you don’t have a pretty good idea anyway. No need for separate statements to “hide” gift costs Confused

BatsAreCool · 09/12/2018 18:59

Why the need for secrecy?

Our individual accounts are not secret but the personal 'fritter' money we have in there would be lost in the midst of the joint accounts. The individual accounts enable us to save up our own spending money if we want to purchase something expensive.

UserMe18 · 09/12/2018 19:03

I'm amazed people know what people in RL do, I haven't a clue how friends and family arrange their finances.

adaline · 09/12/2018 19:07

We're married and have separate accounts. My parents always had separate accounts too.

No issues here, but we both earn roughly the same amount so we just pay 50/50 towards everything and the rest is ours to spend on whatever we want.

mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 19:07

1ndig0 it's not about hiding the cost of gifts, we set a limit any way. I check my statements daily, so if DH bought my present from say Tiffany's, I'd know and gave idea what it is.

I also trust DH to buy what he wants, when he can afford it, but I do get a little narked at how much he spends on electronics and he doesn't understand why I spend so much on make up and do we both get less annoyed by those spends being separate and unseen.

I know how much he has in his account, he knows how much I have in mine. We put all bills and kids money into a joint account based on income percentage.

I wouldn't want everything to be joint.

adaline · 09/12/2018 19:09

I just don’t know why you would bother

Surely it's the opposite? People had their own accounts before getting married and just never bothered to get a joint one?

I have to say it's never occurred to me. It works just fine having separate ones so why fix what ain't broke?

canigetaliein · 09/12/2018 19:09

the present thing for me is more the element of surprise as oppose to cost. DH checks his account daily.

OOAOML · 09/12/2018 19:09

We get paid into our own accounts and transfer to joint in proportion to our net income. Would never just have joint - not just about access to own funds, but spreads the risk across institutions. Plus I like online banking and DH doesn’t. And when his salary was late due to banking system problems we still had mine.

BillThePony · 09/12/2018 19:09

Me and dh have separate account, he pays money into my account each month towards bills and mortgage and he generally covers the food shop. It's how we have always done it.

KM99 · 09/12/2018 19:12

mrsrhodgilbert - doesn't matter if you have joint or separate accounts, you still need the discussion about what you can afford together. Putting all the money in one pot doesn't change that conversation.

My DH and I put a little money aside in our joint home account for holidays. If we need more than I just put more in than him as I earn more.

I get really perplexed that people who don't get separate account thing think it's all about secrecy or inequality. Not at all.

frenchknitting · 09/12/2018 19:12

I think having everything in joint accounts can only work if you have very little disposable income, or so much disposable income that it is basically unlimited. If you have a reasonable amount, and e.g. might spend £100 on a new coat without wanting to discuss with your partner first, you do sort of need to know that you are free to do that, and that he wasn't planning to spend that money on something else. I think a mix of joint and separate is best.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2018 19:12

@mrsrhodgilbert
Ours works in practise simply by dh paying for everything as he earns more.
Whilst our money isn't 'joint' as in all physically sitting in the same bank account, it's still 'joint' as in both of ours.

I think it comes down to 'need'. Some couples need a joint account possibly because they need to budget, or because one party is a spendaholic or they're on a different spending page or whatever reason

Other couples have no need for a joint account so never get around to organising it. We don't 'need' one. In my account there is enough money to buy whatever I want. Ditto in dhs. It doesn't matter who buys the kids shoes or pays for lunch or whatever.

EffOrf · 09/12/2018 19:13

You surely can’t have a joint credit card, one is the primary holder who is responsible for it and the other is the secondary holder who is not responsible for paying it but can spend on it

AnnieHawk · 09/12/2018 19:14

I have access to all MrH's accounts - both business and private. We have one joint savings account. I have a set of accounts, current and saving, to which MrH has no access at all. I was taken for a massive ride financially in my twenties and it made me much less trusting. MrH is happy with our situation, I'm happy with our situation. It's not anyone else's business.

1ndig0 · 09/12/2018 19:15

I really couldn’t care less what DH buys for himself and vice versa. Never even considered it. It’s true I spend a lot more than him on clothes and toiletries. I buy furniture and things for the house because he’s not that interested. But then he’ll buy a car or something. Or bikes. He buys tech stuff I see no need for, but I let him get on with it. I think over time you just adapt to each other’s differences and don’t worry about it. I couldn’t even begin to calculate who spends more.

Elfontheshelfiswatchingyoutoo · 09/12/2018 19:17

We have joint account and I have separate account but only because I don't belive in having all money stuck in one place. Ie if joint account gets robbed or crashes we can get through.

But soon I will be flowing the cash around..

Elfontheshelfiswatchingyoutoo · 09/12/2018 19:17

Dh can also access my accounts, knows all my pin no etc.

MsAwesomeDragon · 09/12/2018 19:17

We have separate accounts. We've been together 12 years and married for 4. We've just never got around to opening a joint account tbh. We each have different bills that we pay, in proportion to what we earn.

I pay the mortgage, childcare (not much now as only 1 DD a needs childcare before and after school), insurance, and anything to do with the car. DH pays utilities and food, then transfers a small amount into my account for things like presents etc. I am the higher earner in case that wasn't obvious.

We end up with roughly the same spending money each month, so it feels fair. It's pure laziness that's stopping us setting up a joint account though, all money is "ours" rather than his and mine.

TheBigBangRocks · 09/12/2018 19:21

We've had both, nothing strange about separate accounts.

I'd encourage my adult children to have them and just have a joint one for their half of bills.

Gift buying is a little weird if a joint account as the person could be paying for their own gift. Plus one could be a spender not a saver etc.

GreenTulips · 09/12/2018 19:22

We opened a joint account because of joint cheques arriving on a house sale

That's barely used

Everything else is separate and it works fine

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