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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think separate accounts are odd?

448 replies

AntMoon · 09/12/2018 15:34

How many married/partnered mumsnetters have separate bank accounts to their other halves?

I'm assuming that the majority of people in long-term relationships have joint accounts. I've been with DH 9 years and we've had joint bank, savings & joint credit card account for years.

It it more 'modern' to keep everything separate these days?

OP posts:
IAmMumWho · 10/12/2018 09:42

Together 12 years married 4 two kids and separate Banks accounts but a joint CC account. Not odd at all

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2018 09:46

Never understood this separate account nonsense just over complicated things that should be straightforward (if you are in an equal relationship)

Yes indeed. A standing order into a joint account is desperately complicated Hmm

Do you find finances tricky?

We always had joint and separate accounts. I would never recommend to DD she has fully joint finances with anyone, it renders one so vulnerable.

TOADfan · 10/12/2018 09:51

We have a joint account for food. Otherwise I pay all the bills and he pays electricity and puts into savings. Works for us as I'm the higher earner and everything is in my name. Plus it leaves we with just enough fun money.. If I had access to more I would just spend it, whereas he is really good with money so will not spend the savings.

1ndig0 · 10/12/2018 09:54

If I t think having joint accounts renders you more “vulnerable.” In the event of a split of a married couple, family assets are divided according to the court settlement -regardless of what account assets are in. Also, if your DH is doing something underhand with “his” money, it’s far less visible if he has his own account.

NotScrewingUpNow · 10/12/2018 09:55

Accounts should be separate.

What if your partner got in to debt/filed bankruptcy?

What if partner was having affairs?

What if partner decided they no longer love you?

You never know what could happen

1ndig0 · 10/12/2018 09:55

“I don’t think” - Sorry.

User12879923378 · 10/12/2018 09:58

We do. Always have. He pays for some stuff, I pay for other stuff, we both know what's going on in each other's accounts. What protection is a joint account, seriously? Either party can clear it out at will and either party can open another account elsewhere if they want to so where does the talismanic significance of the joint account come from?

BatsAreCool · 10/12/2018 09:59

For those with completely joint accounts, do you have LPA set up? Because when I was looking at this technically if one of you loses their mental capacity then banks should freeze bank accounts (although this doesn't always occur) to protect that person. It doesn't actually matter if you are married or not.

So either get LPA set up or make sure you have individual accounts as well.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/12/2018 09:59

If I t think having joint accounts renders you more “vulnerable.” In the event of a split of a married couple, family assets are divided according to the court settlement -regardless of what account assets are in.

Yes, but there is time between separation and divorce! If everything is totally joint there is nothing to stop one person emptying the account and living extravagantly while the other lives in poverty.

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2018 10:03

If I t think having joint accounts renders you more “vulnerable.” In the event of a split of a married couple, family assets are divided according to the court settlement -regardless of what account assets are in

And the time whilst waiting for a court date gives ample opportunity for account emptying...

I didn’t actually just mean vulnerable through divorce. A few years back my then H had his account emptied through fraud, of course we had my account and the joint which meant there wasn’t an immediate panic whilst the matter was dealt with.

There’s all sorts of ways one can be financially vulnerable.

1ndig0 · 10/12/2018 10:05

Dungeon - I think it’s about trust essentially then.

Even in the event of a split, I know DH wouldn’t clear me out and he wouldn’t let the split affect the DC financially. Call me naive, but if I thought he was remotely capable of being that type of man, I wouldn’t be with him in the first place. I certainly wouldn’t have been a SAHM for all these years either.

Original poster
AntMoon · 10/12/2018 10:08

@Woooman I hope not, that's my mother! Confused

I meant that I thought it was the 'norm' to have joint set ups in long term relationships, rather than the exception. Not that either was right or wrong (or better/worse).

Been regretting using the word 'odd' for 12 pages now! Whoops!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 10/12/2018 10:12

“Dungeon - I think it’s about trust essentially then.“

No it isn’t. I trust my do implicitly and vice versa. Doesn’t mean we want a joint account, though!

UserMe18 · 10/12/2018 10:13

@AntMoon haha, I think the "odd" got it, but to be fair AIBU threads wouldn't get as many replies if they were all carefully thought out and diplomatically written so not to offend "AIBU for thinking it is statistically less common for long term partners to not have joint accounts as per my own experience" not quite as catchy!

Original poster
AntMoon · 10/12/2018 10:18

@UserMe18 literally, the exact true tone of my question!

What a way to learn there's no EDIT button on Mumsnet.. Shiiiit! Blush

OP posts:
1ndig0 · 10/12/2018 10:19

Bertrand - I was replying to the people who were suggesting separate accounts are necessary as a means of protecting yourself against an unscrupulous DH who could potentially clear you out.

But if it’s not about trust or needing to protect yourself financially, then can I ask what it is about? I’m not meaning to imply there is any wrong or right way, but I do wonder why married people would still need their own accounts.

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2018 10:23

I’m not meaning to imply there is any wrong or right way, but I do wonder why married people would still need their own accounts

Because I don’t believe in a marriage that requires everything to be joint. We were still individuals, and keeping our own bank accounts reflected that.

reallyanotherone · 10/12/2018 10:27

Even in the event of a split, I know DH wouldn’t clear me out and he wouldn’t let the split affect the DC financially. Call me naive, but if I thought he was remotely capable of being that type of man, I wouldn’t be with him in the first place

That is exactly what dh thought. It’s why he didn’t go straight to the bank and freeze joint accounts as soon as she asked for a “trial separation”. He honestly thought they were generally happy and they would work on getting back together. He had no clue she had moved another man in and had cleared all the joint accounts, and remortgaged. He had no idea she hadn’t done the “essential house maintenance” he’d given her money for, that she’d kept it.

When the divorce went through there was nothing to split. The house was 90% mortaged after she remortgaged, and every savings plan was gone.

That was after 20 years. Sometimes all it takes it for someone to meet someone else, and all their morals go at once. I do think in the case of dh’s ex she honestly doesnmt think she did anything wrong, she saw it as “their” money, so she was as entitled to spend it as he was. Tough lucke she did it first.

Lookingforadvice123 · 10/12/2018 10:28

I find it odd when all money is shared. What if you want to buy expensive make up? Why should your DH have to pay half?

We've been together for 8 years, married almost 5, have one DS and one on the way. Our accounts are separate. We have a joint account where all of our bills, mortgage etc come out of, and another where our food shop money comes out of. We put a proportionate amount into all accounts when first paid, and we also have a joint credit card which we use to pay for petrol, joint expenses for DS, joint outings out etc. We pay this off in full every month (split (50/50).

The rest of our money is our own. What if one month I have several outings out with friends, meals, nights out etc, and DH has nothing? Why should he pay for my things that don't involve him, and vice versa?

ineedwine99 · 10/12/2018 10:29

I would never fully join accounts, i think its safe to keep a separate one where your salary gets paid into. You never know what could happen.
I have a standing order into our joint acc as does my husband that covers all bills and groceries.
Plus he earns a lot more than me so its safety for him too (no i don't see it as family money, he earned it, its his, same for my salary)
We go halves on anything else we need such as clothes/gifts etc for our toddler. Never any arguments

cptartapp · 10/12/2018 10:31

Been with DH 26 years and we have separate accounts. He earns several times what I do, so we each put a % of our salaries into a joint account for bills and the rest is for each of us to spend separartely as we wish. He is a spender. I am a saver. This way, I'm not on his back when he spends £100 on a shirt!

reallyanotherone · 10/12/2018 10:33

But if it’s not about trust or needing to protect yourself financially, then can I ask what it is about? I’m not meaning to imply there is any wrong or right way, but I do wonder why married people would still need their own accounts

Death, illness, both of which freeze joint accounts leaving you with no access to money at all, at least temporarily. Is that not enough?

If dh died of a heart attack tomorrow, the bank accounts are frozen. How would you pay your bills? How would you buy petrol and food? You can’t even withdraw from an atm.

If your dh has left a will access may only take a week or so while solicitors sort it out. If it goes to probate, plus christmas coming up, it will take longer. Meanwhile bills, rent, mortgage all going unpaid...

joystir59 · 10/12/2018 10:34

Married 6 yrs. Separate accounts and both prefer it that way. I've been in two previous long term relationships in which we had joint accounts. It was a nightmare when we went out separate ways. I also hated my partner seeing every purchase I made- it wasn't easy to surprise her.

Satsumaeater · 10/12/2018 10:34

I do wonder why married people would still need their own accounts

Because we are still individuals. You don't become one person when you get married. Joint account for bills, own accounts for fripperies.

Original poster
AntMoon · 10/12/2018 10:37

@1ndig0 totally agree, I know my DH would be fair and moral in case of a split.

But I also get that you can still trust your other half 100% and have separate accounts, it's just practical preference.

A few people have alluded to it being naive to trust a DP completely but I think it depends on the relationship, their past, their spending habits, their personality etc.

OP posts: