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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think separate accounts are odd?

448 replies

AntMoon · 09/12/2018 15:34

How many married/partnered mumsnetters have separate bank accounts to their other halves?

I'm assuming that the majority of people in long-term relationships have joint accounts. I've been with DH 9 years and we've had joint bank, savings & joint credit card account for years.

It it more 'modern' to keep everything separate these days?

OP posts:
BlueAndWhiteTunica · 10/12/2018 02:20

We have a joint account for all household and kid related expenses, and separate accounts for ourselves.

We have a big gap between us in earnings, but the lower-earning one does the lions share of house stuff and childcare. So we decided the fairest way to organise it was to figure out how much we needed to have in the joint account each month, then we each contribute the amount that leaves us with equal personal money on our own account each month. So the higher earner puts in more.

Given the extremely valuable but unpaid family labour the lower earner contributes, this seems much more equal than each putting in the same figure to the joint account, leaving one with hardly anything left over and the other with plenty.

TheHobbitMum · 10/12/2018 02:35

We have a mix of joint & separate, certainly not odd Hmm

HappyStripper · 10/12/2018 03:50

We’re entirely joint. I think all the comments about wanting to buy a book on amazon or something and having to consult your partner are ridiculous. We’re both adults and know what we can and cannot spend based on finances, we don’t need separate accounts to manage that. We’re both self employed so income really varies and we don’t see a need in having mine and his when we’re one family. Some months he needs/wants more, some months I do. That’s one great thing about being married, working together rather than splitting everything up as if you are single.

It especially baffles me when women on maternity leave are seemingly expected to “pay their way” as if it’s them having the baby for some sort of holiday and their husband not playing a part in the savings at all. Or even worse a SAHP getting some sort of allowance from their working partner as if they’re a teenager getting pocket money. Surely they should have equal rights to the family funds considering they’re equally participating in supporting the family, just with different roles.

brookshelley · 10/12/2018 03:54

We had our own accounts before we met and set up and additional joint account when we started living together. If one partner doesn’t work or earns very little then a joint account makes a lot of sense. If both are earning its less of an issue.

ImogenTubbs · 10/12/2018 05:39

I have earned more than DH for most of our time together. We always go 50/50 on the mortgage so we each feel we have equal claim on our home, but then I paid most of the other bills. Don't resent it for a second.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 10/12/2018 08:50

Together 8 years and separate accounts.

Although we do have access to each others if needed. We don't keep secrets about money.

No joint account mainly because I was a little reckless when I was younger and he has impeccable credit, apparently if we had a joint, my bad credit could affect his?

OutPinked · 10/12/2018 08:53

We have separate accounts and probably always will. I had a joint account with my exH and it was really annoying having to open a new one and set up all new DD’s when we separated.

I don’t think it’s odd in the slightest, just makes things easier to manage for us.

BertrandRussell · 10/12/2018 09:02

We’ve had separate accounts for nearly 40 years. We also keep our friends secrets, don’t go into each other’s bags or wallets without asking and don’t open each other’s letters. Oh, and we don’t fart in front of each other if we can help it.

Woooman · 10/12/2018 09:06

....so you're one of those people who assumes there is only one way of doing something and who arrogantly assumes the only way is their way of doing it, OP? Right. Got'cha.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/12/2018 09:10

We have a joint account for bills and any costs relating to children and separate ones for our own spending. The amount in the "personal accounts" is equal. I think that you would have to be fairly rich to be happy with just a joint account.

Neverender · 10/12/2018 09:13

I don't really care if anyone thinks it's odd. After having my house repossessed due to a ridiculous partner, I'll never risk it again.

BertrandRussell · 10/12/2018 09:15

We also don’t wear matching tracksuits or go to bed at the same time.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/12/2018 09:16

Some months he needs/wants more, some months I do. That’s one great thing about being married, working together rather than splitting everything up as if you are single.

What if you both need or want more one month? Unless you have a lot of money, if there is no consultation (you state that it would be ridiculous to do this earlier on) you could easily end up going overdrawn.

Alaaya · 10/12/2018 09:18

Together 20 years. Joint bank account for mortgage and bills, separate for personal spending. It works for us. I wouldn't want to lose my financial autonomy - I like knowing that if I want to blow £100 at the end of the month on shoes, it it no one's business except mine as long as bills are paid.

Bigonesmallone3 · 10/12/2018 09:18

Together 10 years we have separate accounts and I have his credit card..

Randomusername01 · 10/12/2018 09:23

Yanbu op. The only people I know personally that keep their finances totally separate are those where the man is the main breadwinner and it's sadly used to keep the woman in the dark about family finances (and I sadly know several cases of this). One of my friends who operate like this finally left her partner and was significantly better off (financially and everything else). Another one was misclaiming tax credits as a single parent as she didn't have enough money to live on (which as you can imagine didn't end well). I guess if both parties are earning the same and there is complete openness then it could work but I've personally never seen that work in practice. I've only seen separate finances where the man uses it to abuse the woman.

reallyanotherone · 10/12/2018 09:27

The other thing was when dh split with his ex, he’d had joint accounts for over 10 years. Joint everything, mortgage, cc, bank, the lot. Because again she was one who thought individual accounts somehow made you less couply (and easier to clean out when she wanted to).

Post split he had an absolute nightmare even getting a basic bank account. He had no credit in his own name, no bank account, nothing. No permanent address either. All he could get was a basic account with an atm card.

I know everyone with joint accounts is happily married Hmm but death, illness or divorce can really leave you vulnerable.

Dh thought he was happily married. Until she shagged someone else. It happens.

Even if you think joint accounts are the way to go, it’s still worth having a sole account with, say, enough to cover between 1 and 3 months living expenses. Then if one of you drops dead, at least you have access to money while everything is sorted.

Auntiepatricia · 10/12/2018 09:29

Our finances are too complex to have joint. Tried to set one up and it didn’t work. Chunks of money sitting here and there in accounts. Much easier that I manage the flow of bills and we both run our own various accounts.

OllyBJolly · 10/12/2018 09:35

joint account for bills etc but finances completely separate outside of that.

I earn way more than DH, but I also spend a lot more.

Works for us.

OllyBJolly · 10/12/2018 09:35

joint account for bills etc but finances completely separate outside of that.

I earn way more than DH, but I also spend a lot more.

Works for us.

Junkmail · 10/12/2018 09:36

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we have separate bank accounts and always will. I have no access to his money and he has no access to mine. We share bills and buy things for the house and each other when needed but I refuse to have a joint account because I want some independence and I’ve seen what arguements about money can do to a marriage.

londonrach · 10/12/2018 09:39

Not odd sensible. Im self employed. We both have individual ones and the joint one which pays the bills. Its joint money but dh needs to pay train tickets etc to get to work and i need separate account for tax purposes. Works for us!

ShotsFired · 10/12/2018 09:41

I have no relationship so no bone to pick either way...

But some pro-jointers infer that if you don't do all in joint everything, then you have a relationship that lacks trust or value; and that theirs is better than yours for that reason.

The pro-separatists don't seem to care quite as much about the judging or what other people do!

FairfaxAikman · 10/12/2018 09:42

When my "D"M walked out on DF she emptied all the joint accounts, leaving him with £30 and a note telling him the car needed taxed.
I will never open myself to that kind of shit.

BiddyPop · 10/12/2018 09:42

We have always had separate accounts and we're married over 18 years now.

We got a joint account when we were building an extension so drawing down mortgage payments in dribs and drabs, and those cheques needing to be cashed. Other than lodging occasional cheques from DM (who used to still send cheques to BiddyPop DHsurname until about 2 years ago - when she finally accepted that I was still BiddyPop BiddyPopSurname) when she would send a gift or repay something I'd spent for her, the only thing we use that account for is to hold some savings, as it's handy to have 1 account in joint names.

But we both work FT, and we both have to travel so need access to funds without impacting on the other.

DH pays the mortgage and his car insurance. I pay most of the other bills (although, he took over the telephone/broadband/tv a few years ago when we switched provider as he did that thankless task!). So we're happy with how it evens out.

We both add to savings, and we both have a document somewhere that the other knows about to say what accounts we have etc for if anything ever happens and we need to know.

If either of us is short for whatever reason, the other just gives money without a problem. I tend to be the one with more everyday ready cash (I prefer to keep a certain amount of cash in my wallet) while DH tends to be the one to cover big ticket expenses (better paid and better at saving). So it works out for us.

But as others have said, we trust each other and, while we don't generally know exactly how much is in the others' accounts, we have a fair idea of roughly what it should look like and the general amount of our income and the limits to what we can spend. And we do talk about any big items we want to spend before going out and spending on them.

But it also gives the freedom to have a bad day at work and go splurge on 2 lush bath bombs and 3 trashy magazines/novels to read in those baths without getting eyebrows raised at "what on earth are you buying"!! Grin Like I don't see his occasional wandering into tool shops and picking up yet more gadgets that won't get all that much use... So we are both happy in that ignorance. But both knowing that all the bills will get paid.