My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

[BaRone23]

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

BaRone. I think you’re struggling with family life because frankly it’s hard! I think you’ve had a rough ride on this thread and tbh I’d ignore half of it as people project their own situations and nit pick. Your partner is not doing her DD any favours by allowing her to be so entitled. Having said that I’d agree that many 20 yr olds are lacking in ambition and drive which is frustrating to older more active adults.

I would withdraw but but bear in mind your relationship may suffer

I agree with op. Being 20 is not an excuse for being lazy. I had moved out at 18 to a studio flat I worked paid rent and bills cooked and had a relationship with my now dh. 20 is an adult and her mum is failing her by not making her more independent.

Your questioning was about why I charge them the same.

You “charge” them? The other two adults who financially contribute to the household are “charged” by you?

Interesting choice of word from someone who doesn’t think family therapy would be of benefit.

I think the Daughter's attitude stems from resentment at her 20% contribution to houshold bills. The same as her mother's contribution?

I think your girl-friend needs to think about whether it's a fair split because at the moment:

• Daughter isn't motivated to do anything more in the house.
• Indeed, she expects five-star service in return for that 20%.
• possibly, she's suspects that her contribution will be increased if she increases her working hours.
• and in the meantime, she isn't saving for an independent future.

I'm sure that it wouldn't bother you over much if your girlfriend and daughter decided that a different split of the 40% contribution was workable: 30/10, 25/15 or whatever. At the moment Daughter feels that 20% is unfair, so your girlfriend needs to face the resentment and discuss it with her. What would be fairer?

It just seems strange to me that Daughter's contribution is the same as her mother's, even though she's a glorified 'lodger' with no real say in the running of the house.

Dear god, don’t sit back and let them carry on. Your GF is doing the daughter no favors by letting her use the home like a hotel. If she ever house shares she is not going to be liked by her housemates if she expects to be waited on. Her attitude is horrible

I should have been more clear. The bills do not include food.This the GF pays herself. The GF daughter wants to live for free. And no "labour work"

I’m sorry OP but you’re not exactly coming across as the altruistic good guy here. Your tone is extremely negative and you dismiss anyone who may point that out.

Oh dear.... Best I go get some writing skills which suit.

She pays as much to live with you as your GF does so I think it's a red herring that she only works three days a week. You are very resentful of the fact that she earns a decent wage and goes on holidays but as she is paying her way why does it bother you so much?

The £1 taxi fare is embarrassing and petty. I'm not surprised your GF won't ask for that, that's just ridiculous.

You sound quite obsessed with the money side of things but it seems that the daughter is paying her way. It's her home too, you don't dictate how everything has to be done as she isn't living with you for reduced rent. How would you feel if she started making demands and rules for you?

You may not like her but she lives there so get on with it.

Okay thanks

Have just seen the update that your GF left her daughter when she was 14.... That changes dynamics a lot.

Her 20% does not cover her monthly bills. I subsidise it. And no I view this as a shared house and expect guidelines to be followed. Such as washing up your own dishes. But I guess that's too much to ask for.

Something tells me the daughters side of this would sound very different. Something along the lines of: I love with my mom, but her BF is obsessed with money. He always nickel and dimes everything so that he can throw how much he has spent in my face. I pay rent, but this isn’t good enough. He wants me to do X, Y and Z. When every issues come up, he loves to throw how much he has spent in our faces and takes offense to the fact that I spend my income of vacations that I have earned.

And how many times must I say.... I HAVE NEVER SAID I DONT LIKE HER. I DONT LIKE HER INCONSIDERATE WAYS!!!

I never said you didn’t like her, I said you come across as money obsessed and controlling. Very different.

I've seen this kind of scenario play out over the past 20 years. There are no ways to win, however, with careful personal control you can draw.

A few points i would make from observing this kind of challenge:

• The daughter - don't expect anymore than a larger 10 year old. It's just the way it is

• Don't ever criticise her either directly or to GF

• Accept that her behaviour (particularly with GF) will be any more than brat behaviour. Only the mother and daughter can work this out. Do not get involved in anyway - even when asked an opinion

• Don't do anymore jobs for her (painting bedroom etc) your only form of protest is to withdraw your labour. Just be too tired.

• Only time will 'cure' your girlfriends daughter (she will grow up if you wait long enough), the key is to do nothing that will set the daughter against you during this time.

• Bite your tongue - you will only ever be the baddie. Let them fix their problems, you cannot and even if you do, will later shoulder the blame in some way

• The financial thing, stay well clear of involving the daughter - let the mother deal with anything financial. How you manage your finances should never factor in the daughter paying for anything apart from what you've already agreed. The mother would give her daughter her last penny even if it was just for a new frock - stay away from thinking the daughter will ever be an equal partner or contribute her fair share

The truth is most kids returning to their mum's act a bit immature but getting in the middle of the mum daughter thing is only going to end up with you losing.

Lower your expectations, then have another think and lower them again.

She may eventually meet a partner and move on. She'll remember how accommodating you have been in the long run and but by bit accept you as one of the good people for her mum.

How do you assume that she has no say? However when it comes to tidying up etc... Then no... There is no say. If you can count cleaning up after yourself a rule... Then yes, I am guilty of making rules. That if it is a rule, is the only rule in our house. Asides that, there is not one other.

Very wise found my voice

Listen to that OP

Sometimes peace and MH needs to prevail and people won’t change of their own accord

Who says she has no say? And we don't have rules in our house. Asides clean up after yourself. If that's a rule .. then I'm puzzled .. I would have thought that to be normal consideration. And sure they can split the bills how they want. However it will be me picking up the tab when GF comes up short. As I so often do even with how the bills are split now. If I don't pick up the tab, then the monthly food shop which GF pays decreases. And guess who the 1st to moan will be when shopping isn't to her standard. ie Marks and Spencer. Then my GF gets down hearted, so of course I can't see my GF sad and bail her out.

It is very telling that you keep insisting that you like her, even when no one suggests that you don’t. It is also very telling that keep harping on money. You keep mentioning rules.... she’s 20 not 10, she doesn’t need “rules” and demands from you. And a taxi fee? Come on......

And now you are complaining that your GF comes up short on bills and you have to cover? Once again, very money obsessed and money controlling.

Both of these women sound like users to me, sorry OP.

The mom has settled with a partner who contributes 60% of the bills. She can go on all she wants about how mothers do things for their children, but she clearly can't afford that unless you step in. You are not in an equal relationship or family at all - not in the way the mother treats you, not in the way her daughter behaves and not financially. You give the mom money to get her car maintained and the daughter benefits from it? Most parents won't accept fuel/taxi money so I don't think you should expect that from the daughter but between the two of them they should pay for the car's service and MOT.

The daughter is a lazy brat. She should be doing housework, picking up after herself and she should not be disrespecting you or her mother. But seeing as she only reluctantly lifts a finger to help herself, she may as well contribute her 20%. But you need to stop doing for her, she's a grown woman so she can fund her own lifestyle and paint her own wall.

BaRone23,

in this instance you are the good guy trying to do the right thing. Don't worry about criticism on here.
The circumstances you find yourself in are not your making but they are treacherous. You need to step back from this, mentally disentangle your emotions from this, do not try to "fix it" despite your natural inclination to help.

I agree that charging a £1 taxi fare is harsh. But should I withdraw my financial help or getting the car through its MOT or getting it serviced then there would be no car. I wouldn't be the one to suffer. So I thought contributing a pound didn't seem unreasonable. The alternative would be for her to walk or get a real taxi.

Not money obsessed. But just wise with it. I don't have lots so I have to be cautious. There are no rules. Please quote them? Asides tidy up after yourself. ( If that's a rule ) And I sent you a reply to someone else's message about not liking GF daughter. my apologies.