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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas cards in school

136 replies

BertramKibbler · 09/12/2018 09:00

My child is in reception. They have some social problems, possibly ASD, no diagnosis yet.

Every day last week the other children have been coming out with handfuls of Christmas cards. My child has had just 2.

My child is quite bright, they see what’s going on and it makes them sad. They want friends but are struggling making them.

AIBU to think that if you want your child to send cards to their class then you make sure they include all the children and not leave just a couple out?

OP posts:
PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 09/12/2018 22:24

in year 1, in a full-uniform school, there's not much judgement around yet! Either the child is extremely naughty or has special treatment,

Odd and untrue thing to say there's massive judgement. It hasn't been directed at mine (at least as far as I know!). But I've heard so much ridiculous judgement in both my DC's year about kids who are just tiny. Of course some little kids will be naughtier than others. Mine were both fairly easy but I still managed not to judge the fidgety or even shock horror the slightly rougher ones. They're 4-5 years old and they're still learning! You have no idea at this stage who is immature for their age, who has yet to be diagnosed SEN so just be a grown up, keep an open mind and be nice to all of them.

I always do the whole class with cards - it's hardly much effort. Surely you can imagine how awful it would be to be the only child who didn't go home with a big pile of cards.

hazeyjane · 09/12/2018 22:31

Op, It is the way it is and it is shit. Like whole class parties where your child is the only one not invited. A simple shitty fact of life Flowers

Send them to all or none.

If your kids can't/won't write them, sit with them and do it for them

With ds's mainstream class I went in and wrote down the names that were on the trays and made sure there was one for each tray (which I write for him in yr R and yr 1, as he couldnt write at all) The Dds school gave out class lists, so it is definitely not a blanket rule not to have these.

I don't even like Christmas cards, but like remembering to send one out to that old old friend of your 78 year old mother who you haven't seen for 30 years, doing the card swap at school and making sure everyone is included is surely just one of those things you do.

I just buy them a pack and then they're on their own really?! Even at 4!!

formerbabe · 09/12/2018 22:32

My son wants to send 13 cards to kids in his class. He is writing it all himself. I'm going to make him write a few extras for children that have sent him cards. However I wont be doing the whole class thing either for cards or parties. One of the kids in class bites other children and has hit and pushed over DS several times. Why should DS send him a card? Some other children haven't made enough impression on him for him to remember their names! However he is only doing 3 or 4 a day and handing them directly to the children at the start of the day without making a fuss about it

Very mean spirited and petty of you to allow this.

As for this comment...

Some other children haven't made enough impression on him for him to remember their names

Just horrible. Why not encourage him to get to know them or at least give a card out of politeness?

pumpingRSI · 09/12/2018 22:36

@IamSusan can we move away from calling small children naughty and referring to them as bullies? And I'm not quite sure what you're getting at wrt parents poor attitude at pick up.

Lordy, this is why I smile and rise above it and try to engage very little other than superficial chit chat.

hazeyjane · 09/12/2018 22:43

Either the child is extremely naughty or has special treatment, and the others have noticed and complained to their parents - which they do!-- or it's the parent who has a poor attitude at pick-up.

Jeez.

dirtystinkyrats · 09/12/2018 22:44

Of course I encourage him to get to know other children however he just doesn't know some of them very well yet as they didn't all go to nursery together. We aren't given a class list. He doesn't remember all their names. Sending in nameless cards is pretty pointless as the excitement is getting something with your name on it.

Stunned that some people think I should make DS write a card to the child that repeatedly hurt him to be honest.

Where would it end if you try to include everyone out of politeness? The whole of the foundation stage do a lot of activities together, thats 90 kids. We know about 30 other kids maybe at the infants, thats 120. My eldest is at the Juniors so to include all the kids he knows thats maybe another 120 there. What about the neighbours, there are probably 30 or so in the village I know well enough to know their names, do I have to send them a card too incase I hurt their feelings.

I think it is nasty to leave out one child (unless that child is badly behaved) however cards just to your friends is fine. Sending cards to everyone you know just out of politeness is madness and presumably if everyone did this would cause widespread deforestation!

IamSusan · 09/12/2018 22:49

can we move away from calling small children naughty and referring to them as bullies?

how do you think a 4 or 5 year old describe someone whose behaviour they translate as "naughty"? They know what they are allowed to do or not, those who don't respect the teachers are called naughty. What do you want them to call them? Kids know that when they are doing something wrong, they are "naughty", what other words do you think they use at that age?

It's easy to judge the parents when it's the child who has to deal with the bad behaviour, that's a bit rich! And calling a child who bites you or hurts you a bully is actually a nice way to put it. I would use other words myself.

If your child comes home crying and doesn't want to go back to school because someone else is being "naughty" towards them, it's telling that some parents will put the blame on them for using the wrong word or because they want their little darling to have special treatment.

Dothehappydance · 09/12/2018 23:02

We can't get class lists, we are also not allowed in the school so couldn't be writing down names from pegs/trays etc. I very very rarely do pick up/drop off and I haven't done so since she started nursery so I know very few children - the ones I do know tend to be siblings of friends of my older children. (I was a SAHM at that point)

Dh, who does drop offs, tends to drop and run, so we have to pretty much rely on dd to remember names, this is also the child who wouldn't tell us the name of the little boy that said hello to her at the local Christmas fair, so our chances are never great.

She is inviting 6 children to her 7th birthday party, I am not doing whole class parties, it is £17 a head as it is. The only reason she is having it is because ds really wants his 11th birthday there, but he doesn't have enough friends to invite to make up the minimum number (10).

Orlande · 09/12/2018 23:03

I really don't think my 4 year old is "leaving out" 20 children because he wants to write 4 or 5 cards to his friends Hmm

chocatoo · 09/12/2018 23:08

I am sorry your child has to learn how thoughtless others are at such a young age. It’s heartbreaking.

OnlyonplanetMN · 09/12/2018 23:09

Whole class cards? I’ve literally heard it all. Utter madness

You can get a box of 30 for a pound so what’s the problem? I’m so glad I’m not such a fucking shitty and petty human being (and not bringing my children up to be either) that I’d be pleased with myself for upsetting a child over a card that costs pence.

mockorangey · 09/12/2018 23:10

My DS (4) is in reception and has sent about 8 cards this week but has got none back. They go into a post box and then one of the classes sorts and delivers them each day. I keep encouraging him to write the rest, but I guess if he doesn't do it soon then I'll need to write them otherwise he's even less likely to get any back. I feel so sad for him, he has only been invited to one party so far, as it's a large school and most of the kids knew each other from the feeder nursery school (which he didn't go to).

BackforGood · 09/12/2018 23:12

What dirty said in her last post.

Ridiculous to send a card to everyone you know.

littlemisssunshine81 · 09/12/2018 23:18

This makes me so sad! It’s shitty of the parents to not write cards to the whole class. For me it’s all of nothing as I’d hate to think of anyone being left out! I have bought 40 cards and I’ll be writing them this week for my DS Reception class (x30) plus w bunch for others in classes that he actually plays with as he doesn’t really play with that many in his class!

BorisAndDoris · 09/12/2018 23:21

That's awful. Our school provide a list of first names of the whole class if you pop into reception and ask. I would hate to accidentally miss one, and that includes that evil little fucker who's been making my DS's life a goddamned misery for the last 5 years. Everyone gets a card. Everyone.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 09/12/2018 23:24

I always have a card to everyone at school and even as an adult I still give cards to everyone I work with. To me it's the spirit of Christmas. OP I was doing my Christmas cards tonight and definitely have one I could send to your DS if you think he would like it and if you wanted to DM me your address. Totally understand if that's inappropriate just thought I'd offer.

Lindtnotlint · 09/12/2018 23:41

I don’t think anyone suggested sending cards to “everyone you know”. Schools are a very special case because the cards are often handed out in a way that makes it visible to those who are left out. Plus in early years friendship groups are quite unstructured often with a few very visible kids and a few very invisible ones - so it is really not the case that everyone will naturally get the same or similar number, much more likely that some will be very left out indeed.

IACGMOOH · 10/12/2018 04:13

I would hate to accidentally miss one, and that includes that evil little fucker who's been making my DS's life a goddamned misery for the last 5 years. seriously what is the point of that? Only on mn are you supposed to include a bully🤔 I was bullied throughout school, my books were set on fire, head down the toilet kind of thing I would be traumatized if my mum suggested sending them a card. Fuck them

knittedjest · 10/12/2018 06:10

I just buy them a pack and then they're on their own really?! Even at 4!!

Yep, even at 4. I write out a template for them with 'merry christmas from x' and they copy it themselves. Occasionally they ask me how to spell a name but that's it. They're writing Christmas cards to other 4 year olds, not a Phd thesis.

HexagonalBattenburg · 10/12/2018 06:51

By the way - in my child's case it's not that she is naughty or a bully for those using that as a justification. She is genuinely a sweet, kind child, always well behaved and eager to chat to people.

She just sounds funny when she talks and is a bit off balance with dyspraxia and that has been sufficient justification to put her through all of this. Honestly she's absolutely a gorgeous sweet little girl (her sister is the challenging one) - just a square peg in a sea of round holes.

It's the parents intolerance of a child that is "different" feeding it in our case (and unfortunately she's in a pretty bad cohort with how the parents are for that year group) and it is hell.

hazeyjane · 10/12/2018 06:51

knittedjest - I am just surprised because a lot of the 4 year olds I know wouldn't be able to write 30ish cards at all...not because I'd be concerned about the quality!!

PadawanCat · 10/12/2018 07:12

My youngest has ASD and Dyspraxia. Hypermobility joints makes writing very painful for him. We don’t send cards, but he buys a ‘gift’ that he takes into the class. We’ve done sweets for a few years, but this year he’s bought a charity gift on behalf of the class (his choice). He gets around 8 cards, mainly from girls. He gets fewer back than other children in his class, but we don’t make it a thing. He’s happy at the quality (ie they’re from his friends) not the quantity.
There are worse ways he’s been excluded and ostracised, unfortunately. We try to do our best to make these instances as unimportant as we can for him.

HexagonalBattenburg · 10/12/2018 07:15

I cheated slightly with the name writing thing for similar reasons PadwanCat she wrote her name and I scanned it in and printed it on sticky labels and then she just did each child's name above it with some help where required gradually!

SoyDora · 10/12/2018 07:17

I just buy them a pack and then they're on their own really?! Even at 4!!

Well mine is just 5 but in reception... yeah I’ve just let her get on with it. She asked me how to spell some of the trickier names (she has some Polish children in her class with some hard to spell names) but otherwise she’s done it herself.

knittedjest · 10/12/2018 07:26

Hazey

To be fair my oldest is 33 years old. It was a different time, parents just didn't do as much as they do now so children had to be more independent and do things for themselves at a much earlier age.
My youngest is almost 12 and the difference between the expectations in parenting in the time of my oldest and expectations with my youngest is worlds apart. And again with my youngest and my grandchildren. I don't envy those with young kids now. So many arbitrary social rules and expectations have popped up over the last few years I would probably become a hermit in today's parenting world if I still had little children.