To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

[smashingavocado]

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel?

Could you tell a white lie OP and say you've had a toothache?

I know that doesn't solve the problem for any future meet ups but it might be enough to stop it for this visit.

I think you're in denial that food is an issue for you unless there is a massive back story. Offering food and drink several times over the course of a visit is basic good hosting. If it bothers you accept and take a small sip/ nibble and then leave it. If you genuinely mean it when you say this makes you dread visiting then that's a red flag to me.

How about you inject some humour, laugh kindly, give her a hug and say Oh FFS friend stop keep asking me if I want anything, if I get desperate I'll ask you! Now, what's going on with so and so.

I know what you are saying because my mum is like the friend. Maybe I am imagining my mum and projecting but I know exactly how annoying it can be, it’s excessive isn’t it? I used to find it infuriating when a person doesnt just sit down, relax and chill out.. they are non stop playing host. But, here’s I dealt with it in my situation: Make sure you are hungry, before you go don’t eat, recieve the offers freely and gladly when you get there. Rinse and repeat. Just learn to be a reciever. You’ve learnt that she’s a feeder so be hungry, you sit back, you relax, enjoy lol. There really is no better way to deal with this

Starve yourself for a day before and then feast? Or could you counter it by taking some cakes/pastries for you both to eat and then that's that?

Do you normally just say no thanks, you're fine? Maybe add a bit of a 'no honestly, please just sit down a relax, I just want to have a good natter' type stuff...?

MibbsXX, yes totally relate to that. My darling aunt is exactly the same, 93 years old and still insists on getting up and feeding us. She won't take a very polite no for an answer, we end up doing the cooking ourselves because she won't sit down. She is the most adorable person on the planet and I wouldn't dream of disrespecting her by refusing to have a little something. She still manages to make special cakes for visitors. She has always, since I remember as a child been force feeding us with homemade food. We adore her! It's their way of showing their love.
It does mean that it's rubbed off on me and I will always make sure guests are made to feel welcome with offers of food and drinks, and if a guest refuses, rightly or wrongly, in my mind it comes across as a little rude and strange. I adapt my way of thinking when I am in U.K, social occasions are centred around drinking, go to Italy and for sure you will come across the Nonnas/aunts that has soon as you enter their home food will be prepared and served.
I am slightly baffled how this is somewhat an issue. I was baffled when I visited a friend and after a 2 hour drive all I was offered was a cup of tea while her partner sat and ate a sandwich in front of me and said " want a bite"😀 Now that's rude!

Hey! No thanks is not difficult between friends, surely?

FFS RTFT

OP has tried this over and over, her friend DOESN'T LISTEN (kinda like a lot of people on this thread!) She just looks for something else to try to feed her with.

If saying "No thanks" worked she wouldnt be on here asking for advice because she is being driven mad by her friend trying to force feed her every visit.

I think you're in denial that food is an issue for you unless there is a massive back story. Offering food and drink several times over the course of a visit is basic good hosting.

Every 5 minutes is NOT good hosting.

Making someone feel uncomfortable is NOT good hosting.
Spending your time ignoring your guest and rooting through cupboards to find food to try to force feed them with is NOT good hosting.
Ignoring your guests wishes and them saying "NO thanks I dont want any more." is NOT good hosting.
Not wishing to spend a whole visit eating or drinking one thing after another is not an eating disorder, its perfectly natural. Op wants to spend time with her friend chatting not shouting through to the kitchen to her to come and sit down!

Why should she just 'have one bite' - when a woman says she doesn't want something, she's just supposed to put up and shut up and 'have a go' - even amongst her fellow women?!
Why SHOULD we? We've had to do this for centuries, it's time that when we say no - even to a bloody piece of cake - that the person we were saying it to actually listened to us (especially if they are a friend!!).

^^^
This times 100.
WTF is wrong with people when they think a woman should just have to accept that her saying "NO" is taken to really mean "Actually if you pester me enough i will give in because thats what expected from a woman, to be accomodating and please everyone but myself, so ignore me completely"

Yep some of the replies on here are not only depressing but very very scary regarding a womans autonomy.

There are people still not getting it...
My MIL would offer probably every 3-4 minutes, despite firm refusals. She would interrupt conversations to offer food & drink and would continue to interrupt those conversations until you answered so you couldn't ignore. It was impossible to distract her with any type of conversation, including topics involving her grandchildren whom she adored, as she would continue to offer food and drink. This was not good hosting; this was pathological.
Seriously the OP doesn't have an eating disorder; she is perfectly capable of communicating but is ignored. This situation is pissing her off and she's asking for suggestions.
How did it go today Smashing?

Most of my female relatives over the age of 50 are like this. They think that if you're under 15 stone there's "nowt on you" and you need feeding up. My aunt regularly makes three puddings, insists that you have to have a little bit of each, and then proceeds to spoon a full helping of each one into a massive bowl. There's really nothing to be done except eat as much of it as you can/want, even if that's only a couple of mouthfuls, and pointedly leave the rest. If asked, I say something like "well, I did say I wasn't hungry"...

It's annoying but there are all sorts of reasons people are like this. In the case of people like my aunt, I think it's a belief that having lots of food on offer is just how they show love. They're rather austere and undemonstrative Methodists and you basically get pudding instead of hugs. I also have a friend who doesn't like food and eating at all, and has a distorted sense of how much "normal" people eat, so she tends to overcompensating by pushing it on you all the time. And for some, I think it's because they actually want to eat something themselves but think it would be rude to eat when their guest isn't, so they keep offering different things.

When your friend is trying to feed you, is she eating too?

Just tell her you're feeling sick and don't want to vom on her carpet, lol. Hopefully she'll get the message.

Good grief some people have limited experiences andnl imaginations!

My MIL gave me a warning about her friend before we visited. A full-blown Mrs Doyle, and you just HAD to give in and accept something (trick was not to eat or drink it, because she only noticed if your plate or glass were empty).

No advice, just hope it went well OP, and please ignore the people who can't fathom how irritating this is.

(Maybe if you need help understanding think about if you reverse the tea-rape analogy? Or if anyone maniacally brings up booking Ed Sheeran tickets every five minutes. Or repeatedly asking someone if they have food issues because they don't like being nagged to eat?)

Go for a walk. When you get to hers say ‘Jesus I’d love a bit of air how about we do a quick walk and talk around the block’ when you get back to the house as you are walking in say ‘right I’ll have one cup of tea and a biscuit and then I really must get going’.

Is she Glaswegian?
People who don't accept food and drink make us nervous!

I love that people are suggesting you talk about it and that it might work 😂

FIL is like this. It’s cultural. No amount of talking will change it.

“I cooked this turkey leg, you want it?”
No thanks, I’m not really in the mood for turkey leg right now
“That’s ok, I got artichokes”
No really, thanks
“Apples I picked this morning?”
No
“Eggs I bought from that man who comes round and plays cards with me on a Wednesday”
Who even is this man? No thank you!
“That’s ok, I’ll just do you some of this vinegar stew I made”
I don’t and have never eaten vinegar stew
“You don’t know what you are missing, just a few figs for you then?”
Honestly I had a mcdonalds before I came
“Then you must be hungry! I’ve got tripe you might like?”
NO
“Cheese?”
NO
“I was just making a sandwich”
NO
“Ok, up to you if you want to starve”
He then appears with 5 biscuits on a plate next to me
“Just a little something”

She is nervous/ anxious and just wants you to like her and her home.

I’ve just got back from a weekend at a relatives house and was told I am a nightmare to host because I drink water and not tea and coffee or wine, and I don’t want to snack after coming back stuffed from a lovely 3-course meal at a restaurant.

Thing is, this relative HATES cooking and I try and be as low maintenance as possible while there and not put them out.

All the stress and flap and fuss really spoils the time we spend there as it puts us all on edge.

I have to agree with some of the posts on here, that it may be a nervous type of issue for the host.

However as someone who rarely has visitors, when my lovely neighbour visits with a invitation to chat, I provide the warm drink, she often brings a nice cake or a pastry or chocolate biscuits and we catch up with each other's lives.

If I go to her home, she usually offers me a warm drink and a cake.

Over the years I have lived in several parts of the UK and found that here in the North, we seem to be considerably more generous when people visit, than in the South.

here in the North, we seem to be considerably more generous when people visit, than in the South.
Hey, some of us are generous in the South too!! 😂 My entirely Southern friends also offer cake and biscuits or bring them 😁

The Irish in our family makes us offer food a few times even after first no thanks. It is cultural as IME the first two "No Thanks" in Irish culture is a parry game of politeness, that it is expected we would offer a few times so it can be accepted in third time with grace. Mrs Doyle is based on real life! But we're nowhere near as insistent as some PPs suggested it might go in their scenarios, so we're a probably talking different experiences of over offering food and frequency/intervals. (3-4 total offers, not 10+ and every few minutes! )

I couldn't quite gauge from OPs posts and updates how unendingly insistent her DFriend is.

It could be a cullture clash, similiar to English overpoliteness culture which can equally be misread e.g. "No you go first,... No you ... No you.... Oh ok, Only if you're sure..." All to do with internal politeness rules...

PPs and myself have suggested ways to phrase it that can work ... Even with our family's most insistent Aunties, I find an upfront cheeky reply of "I'm really not hungry & can't eat between meals, so stop offering me food, woman! And put the kettle on again Auntie D .." works a treat!

My granny was like this, it was here way of showing love. A bit disordered but an old-fashioned way of demonstrating love/wealth/hospitality. One had to be virtually rude to stop her, and the sad reproachful puppy eyes made me feel guilty, as she got such pleasure from 'feeding'.
I agree, a proper conversation about this would probably make you both a bit happier to get it out in the open, but tread gently, as her identity and need to nurture might be somehow mixed up in this.

I have a friend like this. Will offer biscuits every 5 minutes and I say no thank you, they will shake the box at me and continue to stand there until I take one.

I once snapped at my old nana (horrible I know) because she WOULD NOT STOP

'want a yoghurt?'
'want a banana?'
'want a biscuit?'
'want some porridge?'

NO I AM BLOODY FULL LEAVE ME ALONE

I couldn't quite gauge from OPs posts and updates how unendingly insistent her DFriend is.

I think this is pretty clear!

she offers at five minute intervals and then several ‘are you sures’ - and drink too.

OP did you survive or are you on the sofa unable to move still?

@Willow2017no it's not clear, or I wouldn't have said so in my post. OP's phrasing is easy to misinterpret , hence PPs read into it quite different levels.

It's not clear if friend offers a few times at five minute intervals then stops & restarts later (eg short bursts and OP was merely being descriptive about discomfort /for how OP experiences it), OP mentions 'several are you sures' (not hundreds) .. Or whether OP means a whole different level of extreme that the minority of PPs have interpreted it as.

It seems unlikely to me the extreme was meant by OP-
If friend really was offering without fail every 5 mins for (e.g.) over a 2 hour visit constantly as some have interpreted, OP's phrasing would be clearer /more definite - e.g she offered me food at least over 40 times (every 5 mins) from start to finish when we visited just for the morning.

Because 40+ times would stick in your head when relaying events...

I hear you.

There is a friend of mine who is like yours. She would constantly offer food and wouldn't except a no for an answer.

I have started preparing her earlier if I go round. Saying few days in advance, I would eat only starters and tea, or just meat and salad, so do not cook much.

She is getting better, though we are talking years ;)

Oh, and I always say to her I like her the same with or without food served.xxx

With FIL there is no hope, you can say whatever you like and you’ll still get a plateful of something just given to you.

I think my advice would be just to say honestly, depending on how close you are ; shut it, i don’t want anything and I know where your fridge is if I do so piss off please