To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

[smashingavocado]

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel?

@Workreturner

The OP does not have food issues. She just doesn't want to constantly eat, which is what her friend is forcing onto her. Spending an entire visit saying "no, no, no" over and over and over is infuriating. That's the problem! It's not about the OP and her relationship with food. You're drawing conclusions which absolutely are not there and ignoring the actual thing annoying the OP.

OP obviously has eating issues.

No she doesn't.

work, I am actually a bit overweight, not massively so but I am about ten pounds over a healthy BMI!

WeBuiltThisBuffet is spot on.

Are you anxious? Can't you just say no. Do you have food issues?
I don't have any of the issues or concerns you do. And I would just tell her, if I did.

@Oblomov18

I don't think you understand. I have a friend like this and I just can't visit her or it ends in a fight. Because SHE has food issues.

If you say no, then you get 2 minutes peace. The she offers again. You say no. 2 minutes. Then she offers again. You say no. 2 minutes. On and on and on.

If you say you don't like it, then she will get something else. You say you don't like/want it then she will get something else. On and on and on.

If you outright tell them to stop; that you don't want anything because it's not lunch/dinner time and you're not hungry then they MIGHT realise what they are doing and stop or they get angry at you because you don't want to eat cakes when you're not hungry.

I don't have any issues with food. But I only eat when I'm hungry; I won't scoff cake and biscuits just because I'm visiting someone, but they just won't listen.

And saying yes to one thing isn't a solution. Once you've taken one thing, they become even more determined to feed you more things or multiples of the one thing you said yes to. It's never-ending.

My grandma was like this. She would also get offended if we didn't stay for the entire day and evening (so as to have as many chances as possible to feed us?!) It is wearing. I'd have one blunt conversation about it and if she won't take any notice, just meet out somewhere, especially if you think it is a hosting anxiety thing as presumably she won't feel she needs to take that role on in a park or the cinema or whatever.

Avra have you ever told her this? Why not? Not a real friend if you can't be honest?

@Oblomov18

I have. Repeatedly. It always ends in a fight. I will last 3 or 4 visits with it before I lose it and tell her firmly to stop. She then gets offended and it's no longer a nice visit.

When she's not angry she can absolutely see that she's being unreasonable but in the moment she just doesn't think there's anything wrong with the constant food pushing. And it's because she has issues with food. But those issues aren't mine and I can't put up with them for every visit.

We are great friends when she comes to mine or we go out. I just can't go to hers because she can't stop herself and me telling her this doesn't change it. It just sometimes gives me a reprieve.

"you can say No thanks to these people, but THEY IGNORE IT. Your only options are:

1. Accept everything they offer (and the more you accept, the more they will offer);
2. Tell them outright to F off or throw the food back in their face (not great if they're family or people you otherwise like and want to stay friends with - and that will only convince them more that you must have an eating disorder anyway);
3. Avoid them"

Are those the ONLY options? Really? No. There are many more.

1 of which is to actually talk to said friend about this.

Either do a) or b). Or avoid? Really? Never speak to her again? No middle ground?

@Oblomov18

Love how you've ignored my post. I've talked to my friend over and over, on neutral ground. Ive explained what she does, asked if she knows she's doing it. We've talked about why. We've talked about how to stop it. We've talked about how I don't want to be made to feel so uncomfortable. We've talked about how she feels about it.

But then when you visit, they keep doing it. They get flustered when you bring up the previous conversations. They then get angry. Because it's an issue for them.

If someone binge eats or is anorexic, you can't fix it just by talking honestly with them. They will say all the eight things, but carry on doing it.

Honestly... You instantly decided the OP had issues around food... But you cannot accept or believe that the other person may have issues around food? And that's not easy to change. Certainly not just with a chat.

This is really annoying OP. My technique with these people is to accept the food, saying "I don't want this but thanks" then put it down and completely ignore it. Extra points if you put the plate down on the floor or back in the kitchen, but for beginners just put it on the table.

“LOL, friend, please you have been very hospitable. I really do not want anything else and would feel more relaxed if you would stop offering me things now and we just focus on catching up. Is that OK?”
And if she persists:
“To be honest it wears me out to have to keep saying no, and when I say no I mean it so there’s no point in offering again”

Tell her that you are fasting.

My MIL used to do this with meals at her place. She'd serve up a Sunday roast, all pre-plated, all the same quantity whether it was for me or her tradesman other son. We'd sit down, and without a word she'd start distributing her 'excess' onto everyone else's plates. Including mine. Even though she'd just served it out. Then would spend the meal hopping to and fro the kitchen with more food that she'd without asking, try to dole onto plates, including mine. It was really annoying. I tried to politely decline but she'd completely ignore me til DH had to tell her to just stop. Cue a silk for the rest of the day.

Odd.

Sulk! Not silk!

yanbu, I would find it tiring too.

You know if you're eating outside and, at one point during the hour that you're there, a fly buzzes over and heads for your drink before you successfully wave it away or swat it? That's not a big deal at all, is it?

Now, imagine you're in the same scenario, but there's a huge swarm of flies near your table. Every 15 seconds, one buzzes towards your drink and, when you bat it away, another one makes for your food. This happens relentlessly, to everybody you're eating with. You just wanted to sit in the sun, have a meal and a nice chat, but you're prevented from doing this because of the incessant flies that continually distract you and demand your attention.

Would you put up with it, or would you soon just give up and all grab your food and find a table indoors? If the latter, it's obviously because all of you have serious food issues....

Avraan : Oblomov : "Love how you've ignored my post. "

Errr. I haven't ignored your post. Are you new to MN? It's called a x post, a cross post. It's a timing issue.

My point remains. Your update hasn't changed my view.

I never ever said the op had eating issues. Or that her friend did.
All I said was that in any friendship, re any issue, you should be Able to express yourself, to tell people how you really feel, you should be able to talk about things.

and if you can't (do any of those things, either be honest, talk about it, or resolve an issue) then maybe the friendship is not as good or healthy is it should be.

I still believe that.

@Oblomov18

So, what you're saying is that we should ditch any friends who have issues they struggle with?

My friend has food issues. She struggles. No matter how much we talk it out, her issues are still there. No matter how honest I am with her, her issues are still there. She can't help herself. She will make all the promises in the world, but then goes back to doing what she does. It's not a problem if she doesn't have the opportunity, so we go out or go to mine. She's working on her food issues, but me piling pressure on by constantly telling her off for it or shouting "no" at her doesn't make it better - it makes her more anxious and much worse.

So we find ways around it, whilst she works on her issues the way she feels helps.

But you're saying that because one hones chat hasn't cured her, then our friendship isn't strong? Is that how you think eating disorders work? A chat with a good friend and it all goes away?

You need to be more assertive “friend, relax, sit down, I’ve got everything I need, honestly. I’m super full so don’t waste any more food on me. It’s you I’ve come to see my lovely”

Gives up.....

Depends. I'm not the one, or the OP, posting on MN complaining about it, and thus the friendship.
These things don't bother me, wouldn't ruin a friendship. Or if it bothered me that much I'd say. And if it still bothered me that much and couldn't be resolved, I guess the relationship would naturally fade.

I wouldn't know. It's never happened to me. I'm friends with people who I want to be friends with and their quirks and failings are probably as bad as my own. But they don't bother me.

I'm with Oblomov. not least because this thread, almost word for word, with the food issues/fights, etc.etc.et fucking c came up about two years ago.

OP, why do you need approval about about what you want to do? Who can approve your desires?

Here’s the situation

You have an eating disorder and prove my very underweight

She is worried about you but I’ll informed about the illness and how best to approach

Right?

Quite literally the most ridiculous post I have read in a long time! Talk about reading a simple thing and doing a massive leap to op being anoexic!

Not wanting to eat constantly is now an eating disorder. Well who would have thunk it?

Why cant people accept the fact that being bombarded with offers of food and drink for the duration of a visit to someones house is distracting, frustrating and bloody rude. Friend doesnt actually take time to sit and chat with op, just spends time trying to force feed her!

I dont go to a friends house to eat I go to talk to them and have a nice relaxing time, not to be harassed continually. I dont have an eating disorder just a low tolerance of people who cant take no for an answer. Op shouldnt be made to feel uncomfortable in someones house, thats the opposite of being a good host.

What’s her name? She sounds like my kind of person!