To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

[smashingavocado]

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel?

I have a friend who always cooks 5 course meals if you go for dinner and serves up loads of fizz too . Frankly I am stuffed at the end but she’s just well meaning.
I also stayed at a friend of my husbands house ( with him there too ) before we were married and we weren’t offered a morsel , not a cup of tea, breakfast or anything and I thought they were awful !
I think it’s best to be fussed over too much really

This is such a first world ‘problem’. This is not her problem to be generous, it’s your problem as you have an inability to communicate your feelings. You just need to communicate rather than internalise your stress. Simples.

I do kind of get your problem op.
I have a friend similar to yours, she wasn't a nervous host or anything like that. She just felt like she had to feed people, her excuse was that she is Italian .
It's not something i would let get to me though.

Hey! No thanks is not difficult between friends, surely?

My sister can be a bit like this. Unless you’ve experienced it you don’t know how stressful it can be when they won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. I take it (whatever it is) and leave it on the table, then when she asks again I say “no thanks I haven’t finished this yet”. Kind of works!

You have an eating disorder and prove my very underweight

She is worried about you but I’ll informed about the illness and how best to approach

No matter how 'ill-informed' you are about eating disorders, it's pretty much basic common sense that you don't force food on sufferers. So nice try but just comes across as idiotic.

God if I had constant offers of drink I'd be bladdered in two hours flat.

Of the nice way of saying no thank you didn't work and I was getting fed up then I would just be blunt, and say look, sit the fuck down and talk to me, I have come for a catch up not to be waited on. If that didn't work I'd leave maybe then she'd get the message. I wouldn't be fannying about, life's too short for that shit.

My MIL is a bit like this. I accept everything she offers and put it beside me and just don’t eat it. When she asks about it I just say ‘oh yes I’m getting to that!’ When I haven’t eaten it and am leaving I just say ‘oh no I was talking too much!’ It’s annoying, but it’s how she is and confronting her about it isn’t going to help in my opinion.

Your friend isn't Greek by any chance? Very common behaviour over there in my family. Drives me fucking bonkers. The years I spent eating the equivalent of two meals because I was too polite. I'm much firmer now and stop them or just refuse to touch the extra. Their problem not mine.

Oh this sounds familiar. My parents, grandparents, aunties etc all did this. You end up feeling rude and ungrateful because you just can’t eat that amount of food. It’s inbuilt in me to put a lot of different things out when people come round. It would feel weird not to because that’s my culture. But I never keep on at people to take something else every few minutes because it’s uncomfortable. If food is available guests should be able to help themselves if and when they want to and not be made to feel bad for not having anything or just a little bit. I would really ignore the pressure and each time you are offered yet another thing, say “Thanks but I’m really full and just can’t fit another thing in”. If you are tryIng to limit treats then I’d make that clear too. It’s actually the opposite of being a good host to pressurise a guest to keep eating when they don’t want anything else. Stick to your guns I say.

Can’t you say, ‘I’m thinking about not coming coz the last few times I’ve been, you’ve obsessed about feeding me and it is really draining.’ And see what she says?

Just make up an excuse. The bad tummy one is a good idea. Telling her straight out might not be the best way.

Just accept until you’re full and then repeat as often as you need to that you’re full. If you’re underweight it probably comes from a place of concern.

Oh God I think I do this. Hope I've not made any of my friends uncomfortable 🙈

This is such a first world ‘problem’. This is not her problem to be generous, it’s your problem as you have an inability to communicate your feelings. You just need to communicate rather than internalise your stress. Simples.

Hey! No thanks is not difficult between friends, surely?

Have people actually read what the OP has said? How is it OP's inability to communicate when "No, thank you" is constantly ignored by the feeder?

Do you believe the same when a woman repeatedly and unmistakeably refuses a man's sexual advances and he keeps acting as if she hasn't spoken at all and continues to make moves on her regardless? Is it women's 'inability to communicate' to blame for most sexual assaults and rapes?

As an experiment try this, ask for a plate and accept everything you are offered but don’t eat any of it, just let it sit there. If she mentions it say yes yes I am eating. Leave it all there when you go. Either she won’t care in which case you have a solution or she’ll think you are rude and won’t offer as much next time. If she makes a huge fuss you can offer to take it home with you and do a mumsnet tinkly laugh.

Well said WeBuilt - some of the responses on here are utterly batshit.

The most depressing are the ones where they suggest the OP 'just have a little bite' or 'just have the one biscuit'.

Christ.

1. Missing the point - entirely
2. Why should she just 'have one bite' - when a woman says she doesn't want something, she's just supposed to put up and shut up and 'have a go' - even amongst her fellow women?!

Why SHOULD we? We've had to do this for centuries, it's time that when we say no - even to a bloody piece of cake - that the person we were saying it to actually listened to us (especially if they are a friend!!).

my dm didnt have fod issues she was just nervous hosting sdhe didnt carry on too long but was always a few times befroe she stoppped

i know its annoying but just be firm ytour not hungry not just no thankyou

how about u ate before you left

Tell her you're doing the 5:2 fasting diet and that you're on a fast day and have already had your 500 calories.

I think it’s rude and passive aggressive. You can’t be a good host if you are so unaware of the discomfort you are causing by refusing to stop offering food and drink!

My lovely Grandma was exactly like this, it was impossible to refuse, even a refusal resulted in " oh go on, you can surely manage a little something" as she thrust a plateful at you

Even when she was unable to get up out of her chair on a visit, she'd STILL insist we got something from the kitchen during our visit, and got quite upset if we didn't!

Definitely done out of love

what's the actual problem? Do you have some kind of food issues or is she a terrible cook?

I'd love a good friend to feed me! Why don't you go hungry and enjoy the hospitality??

Say no thanks I'm not Hungry at all.
Then if offered again say OK then but I'm not Hungary, put it on your plate, keep piling up everything she offers then give it her back when she asks explaining again

@DoinItForTheKids

OP hasn't given any indication what the actual problem is with eating with a friend! To be so upset and anxious about someone offering food and drink, or to be unable to just say 'no thanks' is batshit!

I think it's lovely if someone cracks open a bottle and prepares some food to enjoy together. If you know your friend is likely to be breaking out the food and drink, wouldn't you just make sure you arrive hungry or bring something to share? I'd just show up with some olives and beers or something and consume them with her.

I think she is omitting something from the story..