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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dread visiting friend because of the constant offers of food and drink?

197 replies

smashingavocado · 08/12/2018 17:40

She is lovely and would be so hurt if she knew. But I find it really stressful.

I’ve got round it by meeting on neutral territory but she’s rearranged a visit to hers tomorrow and I know it will be foodfoodfoodfood.

Aibu to want to cancel? Sad

OP posts:
WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 08/12/2018 19:57

Dennis, either you have never been around someone who does this, or you do this yourself. I would say the ones demanding you eat are the ones with food issues.

Grannyannex · 08/12/2018 19:58

Tell her you’re completely stuffed and not interested in eating a morsel.

A580Hojas · 08/12/2018 19:58

Is your friend MrsDoyle?

Has she invited you for lunch or dinner? If you then refuse food that's rude.

Has she invited you at some other time of day? If so can't you just accept a cup of tea or coffee?

Harramph · 08/12/2018 20:02

I do feel that you have some issues around food of some kind OP because usually it is easy to say no to things we don’t want, and not to develop strong feelings around the people and places associated with them, unless there is some triggering issue around the thing itself.

For eg I would say I have a phobia of fairgrounds. If I was constantly asked to go on a rollercoaster despite saying no, I would find it very stressful to repeatedly say no and I would start to be angry and dislike the people asking me and would suspect they had motives to harm me or expose my fear by their repeated asking, even though they would probably nog be intending to do that. People who don’t have some obsessive issue around fairgrounds could probably just say “no i don’t really like rollercoasters so stop asking me.” But I can’t do that. And it would be very hard for me to separate my phobia from having bad feelings about them.

A friend of mine also has similar reactions to you with other friends of ours when we go to their houses. I get texts from her while she is out saying “Emma is trying to feed me again,” or “Emma was watching me while I was eating.” Emms is our mutuel friend and she tries to feed everyone, but my other friend can’t help but take it very personally because she has some issues around food and Emma continuously offering it to her triggers something inside her.

DoinItForTheKids · 08/12/2018 20:03

Uuh she's not stressed out about the FOOD! She's stressed out about keep being offered food ie her friend's behaviour. Christ on a bike, some of these responses are nuts.

InsomniacAnonymous · 08/12/2018 20:03

I really don't think being exasperated by incessant offers of food at every visit is a sign of food issues. It's really extremely wearing when people won't take 'No thank you' for an answer. It's nice that the host offers and perfectly normal. It's when the offers never stop that it becomes too much, especially when you have to endure this at every single visit.

CosyToast · 08/12/2018 20:05

Haha my granny does this! I rise to the challenge and just wear stretchy trousers 😂 but DH can't stand it because he finds it pushy, whereas we're all used to it 😂 eventually he said 'no thanks, I'm really sorry but if I eat more I will be sick. I'll ask if I want anything, but don't worry, I'm very comfortable.' After a few more times of labouring the point that he has a limited capacity for food, she's accepted it and won't press him

She doesn't understand it at all, but that's to do with her food issues, not his.

Can you do the same? I understand it's uncomfortable, but I don't think it's her fault, I don't think she understands.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 08/12/2018 20:05

Yes people who do not understand the word “no” are incredibly rude.

Harramph · 08/12/2018 20:07

But OP is also finding it hard to draw any boundary with her. If the friend doesn’t take no for an answer you say, listen, I love you but I am going to leave if I can’t talk to you because you’re constantly offering me food.

Willow2017 · 08/12/2018 20:08

uhuh
Ffs she wants a conversation with her friend not to.keep repeating "No.thank.you" every 5 minutes during the whole visit. Thats not an.eating disorder thats being pushed to the limit.

If you think not wanting to eat constantly is an eating disorder you have a skewed view of eating disorders!

DoinItForTheKids · 08/12/2018 20:08

Avrannakern
This
Harramph I do not believe that OP has an eating disorder! IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD, it's about this endless badgering by a clueless friend.

ShesABelter · 08/12/2018 20:09

Just tell her when you get there "look if I want anything I will ask you honestly I'm here to see you and chat so don't feel you need to offer me anything as I'm fine thanks. Let's have a chat."

Girlwhowearsglasses · 08/12/2018 20:10

I am thinking that maybe it’s the friend who has some issues. Perhaps she’s really nervous to have visitors - or maybe she finds it hard to talk - even to friends? I would try a really honest grip of the hand and a really sincere ‘I’ve come to see YOU not eat your food, sit down, relax’ of you can.

Either that or make her actually cook you lunch or take. her a cake.

Things like can often be a distraction technique - even if unconscious. Is she up and down from her chair all the time?

Or go for a walk?

Willow2017 · 08/12/2018 20:15

I do feel that you have some issues around food of some kind OP because usually it is easy to say no to things we don’t want,

Op has stated several times her friend wont take no for an answer.
Spending your whole time saying "no" would stress anyone out.

There is no point in her friend asking her to.visit if she won'tsit down and actually talk.to op is there?
Constantly harrasing someone to.eat and drink is beyond annoying and actually very rude.

OffToBedhampton · 08/12/2018 20:17

I'm like this, both sides of the coin. I don't like eating cakes or biscuits at other peoples' houses, I just want my two cups of tea or coffee (!) but also my half Irish family are feeders so I also offer several times too to guests..

Best strategies are
(1) Either say yes to a biscuit then just take one and "still be eating it" the whole visit.

(2) Or to say, "Lovelyfriend, you're always a generous host but I really don't like eating in-between meals. I'm not being ungrateful, please don't worry about keep offering me as it'll invariably be a no thanks from me!... Cup of tea will do me perfect".

*Of course if you don't accept a cup of tea/coffee/drink of water for a long visit then that's just ruuuuude!! Ask for water in my house and you'll get offered fruit in it too (we have frozen fruits in freezer ready for "posh visitors water"!!) (We just can't help ourselves I'm afraid!!) GrinGrin

OffToBedhampton · 08/12/2018 20:20

Ps. Dont cancel!!! Just be honest or politely crafty as suggested above

I don't think OP is being harrassed nor is friend being rude. It's cultural and very ingrained.

Workreturner · 08/12/2018 20:22

Here’s the situation

You have an eating disorder and prove my very underweight

She is worried about you but I’ll informed about the illness and how best to approach

Right?

RangeRider · 08/12/2018 20:27

'A refreshing glass of cold water would be lovely thank you' Sorted. Doesn't go cold. You can sip it. She's been hospitable. And if she offers food you can say 'No thanks, the water's all I need thank you. Just what I needed.'

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 08/12/2018 20:27

It's very interesting (and infuriating) how many people really don't understand what the OP has very clearly described and are turning it back on to OP as a personal failing or medical/psychological disorder. I've known determined feeders like this and they quite probably believe the same - that their target has some kind of disorder - rather than understanding that the problem is their own crossing of boundaries.

From the feeder's POV, they are not willing to let you have the choice of saying No - your only choice is in which foods that you don't want you will be expected to eat vast quantities of.

Yes, you can say No thanks to these people, but THEY IGNORE IT. Your only options are:

  1. Accept everything they offer (and the more you accept, the more they will offer);
  2. Tell them outright to F off or throw the food back in their face (not great if they're family or people you otherwise like and want to stay friends with - and that will only convince them more that you must have an eating disorder anyway);
  3. Avoid them

Offering your guest food and drink periodically is a normal, kind thing to do as a host. Politely accepting or declining offered food and drink is also a normal, kind thing to do as a guest.

However, when it turns into a form of relentless bullying (whether the host realises this or not), it is NOT normal, reasonable or acceptable - and it is a form of controlling.

Substitute 'food' for 'sex' and the different endless food options for all manner of possible sexual acts - when you've clearly said No - and imagine if it was a partner (or hopeful 'suitor') instead of a friend or family member.

Are you really just saying that you would happily stay with/get with them? You'd just keep saying No 50 times and batting them away every time they ignored that your clear, unmistakeable decision is NO and indicated that you must be frigid or have a sexual dysfunction - and you would still believe that YOU were somehow the unreasonable one for seeing this as a problem? It's exactly the same principle.

nicoala1 · 08/12/2018 20:29

Mezze on the table. Or Tapas. Eat what you want or don't. Simple.

Forcing food or drink on people is just..... something else!

We are all different let's face it.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 08/12/2018 20:30

I agree we built this buffet and for those saying it is cultural, why are they themselves being so culturally insensitive? Surely they understand that people are different? It is rude. Very very rude.

tulippa · 08/12/2018 20:32

I don't understand why people are saying OP has an eating disorder for not wanting to eat when she is not hungry. Confused

I have friend like this. She'll bring a massive bags of snacks for an hour's trip to the park and looks confused when I say "no thanks". I don't eat to be polite so she probably thinks I'm really rude. But we still get on ok in other aspects.

InsomniacAnonymous · 08/12/2018 20:37

Workreturner No, not "right?" Wrong! In fact your post is ridiculous.

Workreturner · 08/12/2018 20:39

@InsomniacAnonymous

How do you know? Are you the OP cocking up a name change?

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 08/12/2018 20:41

I don’t understand your post workreturner, could you fix the second line.