To think a baby shouldn't be at a funeral

[baronesswigwam]

A good family friend died and his funeral is next week. Apparently it will be pretty unconventional, very little in the way of eulogy etc, mainly music and back to a pub as soon as possible. His wife and his two children will obviously attending. Two teenage grandchildren also but my aibu is one child is wanting to take his 1 year old grandson. I feel this is totally inappropriate for a funeral. I get that you may say it is non of my business but when she told me I think she was hoping I'd agree and say it would be fine. I really don't think it is. There will be other friends happy to keep this boy at the back she says. I still think it is disrespectful and pasting for the boy. Are they not thinking straight? Shall I say something ? We are all very close.

Another who is totally perplexed.

I don’t understand how a 1yo would be upset? Don’t even understand how a 2/3/4yo would be upset.

Don’t understand how it would be disrespectful? Children are part of a family. Obviously if the child starts being noisy and disruptive they would be taken out. All good.

At least you know you’re bu. I took my son when he was one to my best friends funeral. My friend was his godfather and a lot of his family hadn’t met DS. It was lovely as they’d all heard about him so much from my friend and about how made up he was when he was asked to be DS’s God father. Some one even thanked me for bringing DS as it bought some joy to a very hard day.

I see you said you feel better now but I'm still unsure what your objections were in the first place?

None of your business.

I didn't take my three year old my grandfather's but that was because I wanted to grieve and not have to leave if he got restless.

Death is a part of life, children should be expsosed too

Yabvvvu, as you said, he was unconventional, and probably would want kids at his funeral. Don't see a problem with it.

I just took my 6mo ds to my nan's funeral. It was fine.

It may be comforting for the person to know they were part of this ceremony for their grandfather when they are told this when older

Funerals are sad, but death is part of life and I think it is important that children are involved in the process of grieving for a loved one.

I took DD (then 11mths) to my grandmothers funeral. She got a bit unsettled and I took her outside.

The vicar came out and told me that I should go back inside: funerals were representations of life and inclusive.

YABVVU. Someone got involved and said I shouldn’t take my baby to my grandma’s funeral. End result = I didn’t go. I will never quite forgive them for their total disregard of our relationship (grandma used to tell me how happy she was to have met her grandchild, how the first thing she looked at in the morning was her picture, etc etc).
I would obviously have removed said baby if she had been noisy.
Not everyone has childcare.

*great-grandchild

My MIL wanted ds there at her mother's funeral.

He was 6 months. Travelled in the funeral car. He filled his nappy during the service which broke the tension a bit! All the family kids were there.

On my side kids don't go to funerals until they're teenagers. Each to their own.

When my Gran died I had to take my 2yo with us as we had nobody to have her. Everyone was at the funeral. It was a bit tricky for me as she wouldn't sit still but she won't remember anything about it so I don't think it's a problem and wouldn't think anything of it if a baby was a funeral.

I wouldn't judge someone else, but i've had two family funerals while DS has been born and I haven't taken him to either.

I think it's something about people trying to be sombre while you're there shaking rattles about and cooing over them, talking about how big theyre getting etc.

The feelings of the immediate family trump everything so people need to ask what their wishes are. If there had been small children dancing or baby's making noise at my mum's funeral I'd have been furious.
Maybe it's different if someone has lived a long life and their death is sad but not unexpected.

My 2 year old came to my dads. Of course she was to be there. How ridiculous

Absolutely none of your business.

I took then 7 month old DS to my great grandmothers funeral, she thought the sun shone out of him so it would have been strange not to take him.
If he had cried I would have taken him out but he was fine, I personally don't see the issue with babies and children at funerals.

baronesswigwam Sat 08-Dec-18 14:43:29
Thank you everyone. I feel better about it now. I will 100% keep my mouth shut. I'll even offer to help out with him to give the parents a breather. - OP Post

I had my almost 6mo at a dear friend's funeral after a sudden death, he was in a sling at the back, ready to leave if needed. People around with tears streaming down their faces smiled at his little coos etc... He was a positive amidst it all. I had no choice, he was ebf, had never been left etc. I was glad to have him with me and my friend's (RIP) much more mobile and vocal toddler was there also.

My 2 year old is going to her Grandmothers funeral tomorrow. She won't understand, she will have a pot of grapes to keep her occupied as the time is at her snack time.
We have nobody to look after her as family will be at the funeral and all of my friends are working.

It really is none of your business!

Chances are all the family and friends will also be at the funeral.

So who will look after the child? Her options will be to take the child or not go herself.

My mum says one of the worst things about her dad dying when she was a small child, was the secrecy and not being able to go to the funeral.

I’m so glad times have moved on and we involve children in saying goodbye.

YADBU

When my FIL died he had a great granddaughter who was about 9 or 10 months at the time whom he adored and it never occurred to our family that the baby wouldn't be at the funeral. However, my niece was anxious that the baby would cry or become noisy. As soon as we got to the chapel of rest the person doing the service told my niece to let the little one crawl about (we were in a crematorium which was carpeted). The baby crawled about happily and made us smile through our tears. At one point she actually crawled up to the stone plinth where the coffin was resting and pulled herself up so she was standing and looked up at the coffin pointing. Everyone laughed so much and we still talk about how lovely and personal the service was and how much my FIL would have been so happy that the baby had been a huge part of it.