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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my Sen child is excluded from the nativity play?

114 replies

BringWine · 08/12/2018 00:44

He is autistic, though high-functioning and in a mainstream school, and his teacher told me she thinks he won't manage the 2 x 6pm performances next week. To be fair, she is probably right. The later it gets, the more tired he gets, the more withdrawn and stimmy he gets, and she won't have another adult around to manage him. I get it. But it still hurts. We won't see him on stage in the nativity - all the other parents get to beam at their children and take video to send to grandma, and we don't. My child has been chucking on the sheep costume and rehearsing for weeks, its been fun, though he is oblivious that there is no pay off. I'm tipsy and thinky. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Teachermommy · 08/12/2018 00:46

If I were his teacher, I'd be inviting you in to watch our dress rehearsal, with him in it. Flowers

SneakyGremlinsBrokeTheSleigh · 08/12/2018 00:46
Flowers

It does sound like she has his best interests at heart, but I understand how you feel.

Jenny70 · 08/12/2018 00:48

If he's a sheep, why can't he do the first one, and if it's too much take him off stage, not do next night etc?
I'd be speaking to them about inclusion and making sure they know you are not happy.

Nousernameforme · 08/12/2018 00:48

Would you be willing to be there for both performances in case he needs to leave?
Also do they have no ta? Who helps our during regular class times. Surely adjustments can be made

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 08/12/2018 00:50

f I were his teacher, I'd be inviting you in to watch our dress rehearsal, with him in it.

This is what I would do.

Lovingbenidorm · 08/12/2018 00:51

It really hurts when something like this happens doesn’t it?
You understand the teacher is right, he probably wouldn’t enjoy it.
But what you’ve got to do is not focus on the things you won’t have (nativity plays are crap anyway) and focus on your lovely, happy little boy who has enjoyed the process of wearing his sheep costume, and is probably looking forward to Christmas.
Kids break our hearts op, but they also make them soar! Xx

cowfacemonkey · 08/12/2018 00:56

That's crap and unfair. I would suggest that he does a half day at school those days so he's less tired and can return for the evening performances.

Rumboogie · 08/12/2018 00:57

Why can he not do only one performance and another child do the same part for the other? would this work for him?

forkinghellmate · 08/12/2018 01:00

Can he not do one performance on the proviso that he has a very relaxed day on the lead up?

I’m sorry if this is a silly suggestion Blush

I hate the thought of kids missing out but it does sound like his teacher has his best interest at heart

Original poster
BringWine · 08/12/2018 01:01

Yes I know, it really isn't a sadness for him, its for me. We chug along keeping him going, and everything ticks along ok, but then something like this happens and you remember your child isn't "normal" for want of a better word, and it just makes me sad. I am on the PTA and will be serving tea and coffee after the show with a heavy heart, while my son will be fine and happy at home with my husband. It sort of doesn't feel worth kicking up a stink about inclusion, because he won't care, but as a parent it just feels like something of a dagger to the heart.

OP posts:
cowfacemonkey · 08/12/2018 01:03

It's always worth kicking up a stink about inclusion and he might not care this time but next time he might so better to get the school into good habits now. Anyway it's not kicking up a stink it's asking them to do their job.

Mumtoboy123 · 08/12/2018 01:10

I think this would be a good opertunity to demonstrate to him that even though he has more complex needs, in life he will sometimes need to do things out of his comfort zone. Obviously if it would make him unwell then do not do this but i would suggest, like pp, maybe do one performance so he is a. Included (other children WILL notice and most likely WILL single him out for it in someway) and b. So he begins to see that he cant be protected from each new situation in his life.

greenlynx · 08/12/2018 01:17

I know how you feel , it’s awful. My DD has SEN ( not autism). She struggled with all evening performances at primary but mostly took part. She was tired and struggled with lights in the evening, performed better at day time.
There were always children in our school who missed evening performances because of tiredness, parents commitments, etc so it’s not a big deal but it should be your decision. The teacher was wrong to suggest this. They would likely perform Nativity for the rest of the school and you could come and watch. What kind of support he will need to be in Nativity? He has a small part, you will be there and other school staff as well. It’s never 1 teacher and the whole class. You could even come as a parent helper and help them with putting costumes on. Talk to the teacher on Monday and tell her that you thought about it and would like to give him a chance/ to keep the options open. The school needs to find him suitable part to be involved not to exclude him. Don’t give up so easily Flowers

Marcipex · 08/12/2018 01:19

Why can't you be there with him , maybe 'help with the costumes' or something so you can stay close.
It's too sad to not at least give him the chance once.

greenlynx · 08/12/2018 01:21

cowfacemonkey put it in words spot on!

Menolly · 08/12/2018 01:22

Oh. This makes me really sad. I'm a 1:1 in mainstream, I have always made sure my children have a part to play, it is always a part that if they can't/won't do it on the day it doesn't really matter, some its been a part on stage, others its been doing the lights or even for one holding the door and greeting the parents as they come in, whatever works for them.

If you are going to be there anyway could he not be put near an exit and you be there to take him out if he isn't coping? That's what I've always done with kids that want stage parts, and being mum you can actually lift him and carry him out as soon as you need to rather than coax/gently lead like I have to.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 08/12/2018 01:30

If I were his teacher, I'd be inviting you in to watch our dress rehearsal, with him in it.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 08/12/2018 01:30

sorry pressed send too soon, exactly as above OP Flowers

Blondebakingmumma · 08/12/2018 01:42

I agree with watching the dress rehearsal. Not sure why ppl are suggesting pushing for the evening performance as you may be setting him up for failure. Wait until he is a little older if you know he won’t cope with an evening event, and then push for inclusion. I know you desperately want a “typical” child, but you don’t and should be looking at what is in his best interests, not force him into a play because you want him to be like other children.

Seeingadistance · 08/12/2018 01:44

I'm a church minister, and mother of a DS with Asperger's, and it makes me more than sad that your lovely son is being excluded from a Nativity Play. It seems to be missing the point of the Nativity to say that a child can't take part in this celebration of the birth of Christ. He should be able to take part, and be who he is.

PointlessPigeon · 08/12/2018 01:46

Yanbu

SofiaAmes · 08/12/2018 01:47

I am an atheist and am sad that they couldn't find a way to include your ds. Couldn't he just be a sheep for the first 5 minutes and then wander off stage...isn't that what sheep do anyway?

Miscible · 08/12/2018 01:54

Is he going to wonder why the other children are talking about a performance that he wasn't in?

jacks11 · 08/12/2018 02:01

OP

I'm sorry, it's hard at times like these when the differences are so stark and you miss out (even if he doesn't/won't notice on this occasion).

However, do YOU think he will cope with the evening performances or do you think he will struggle and become upset/distressed? If you think he won't manage and will be upset by it all, I'm not sure pushing for inclusion on this particular occasion is actually in your DS's best interests. If you think he would cope and wants to do it, maybe speak to the teacher about it all. Or perhaps ask about attending the dress rehearsal as a previous poster suggested?

SpiritedLondon · 08/12/2018 02:03

Why is the performance in the evening? Is that what most schools do? We’ve just had ours for my DD6 and it was from 09.00-09.30. They also did a performance for the rest of the school - would either of those situations be easier or would performance be impossible irrespective of the time ?

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