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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad my Sen child is excluded from the nativity play?

114 replies

BringWine · 08/12/2018 00:44

He is autistic, though high-functioning and in a mainstream school, and his teacher told me she thinks he won't manage the 2 x 6pm performances next week. To be fair, she is probably right. The later it gets, the more tired he gets, the more withdrawn and stimmy he gets, and she won't have another adult around to manage him. I get it. But it still hurts. We won't see him on stage in the nativity - all the other parents get to beam at their children and take video to send to grandma, and we don't. My child has been chucking on the sheep costume and rehearsing for weeks, its been fun, though he is oblivious that there is no pay off. I'm tipsy and thinky. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

BumsexAtTheBingo · 08/12/2018 12:08

Does he want to be in it? If he doesn’t then I guess you wouldn’t have a problem so I’m assuming he does.
He should be able to sit with you/your dh before and after his bit and be able to come to you if he decides he doesn’t want to do it. It’s not much of an adjustment. Just sit to the side of the stage.

Bumply · 08/12/2018 15:43

Ds1 isn't SEN, but was not a joiner in by any definition. In his first primary school (tiny school with 26 pupils P1-P7) he didn't want to take part in the end of year play even as a tree and they didn't try to coax him, so he did nothing all the weeks they were rehearsing and when we went to watch the play he hid under my chair and I felt totally out of place.
We moved the next year and his new primary were more used to dealing with a variety of pupils and he was persuaded to take part in the nativity with the only sticking point being that he refused to wear the halo.
Have a hug and I hope you can sort out something that works for your son.

Sirzy · 08/12/2018 15:49

Is he still doing the daytime performance? Does he want to do the evening show?

Last year (year 3) the prospect of having to do the evening show threw ds completely. Even when it was explained be could just do the daytime show that wasn’t good enough and we ended up with him refusing to do it at all.

This year he has refused to have anything to do with the performances.

I guess my point is as tough as it is for you be careful that you don’t let your sadness add a pressure for him that makes it all too much

EllieFredrickson · 08/12/2018 16:00

Agree with the poster who said it's as important for the other kids as your son that he gets included in whatever way suits. It's great for them to see and understand that everyone is different. That's what inclusion is about - we all learn from it.

Starlight456 · 08/12/2018 16:14

My Ds last year )has ADHD) had a meltdown at home before evening performance. I spoke to his teacher he got me to go to second show. I had already seen the first night. I had to follow him out at one point but it left the teachers to run the show.

If you truly don’t think he can manage it is better for both of you for him not to.

The second show my Ds went to completely overshadowed the joy of the first.

It is also ok to feel sad too.

OriginallyfromLA · 08/12/2018 16:55

I'm another one who would be going back to the school and mentioning inclusion policies. If you're on hand there than they can't really complain. Your son deserves to be up on that stage with everyone else.

Lovemysofa · 08/12/2018 17:18

I'm a teacher and have had many children with SEND over the years. I am horrified at the thought of him being excluded-there is always a way to work around it and the teacher should be woring with you to support him. Please talk to them again if you feel you can, xx

Fairenuff · 08/12/2018 17:48

If the school cant afford the staff for evening performances, why have them, if it excludes some children.

Most schools do a daytime one which everyone can join in with. The evening ones are for those parents that can't be there in the day. I suppose they could just stop doing the evening ones so that they don't have to exclude anyone but some parents would not be happy with that.

I don’t know a TA on the planet that wouldn’t be there, paid or not, unless they had childcare issues.

Lots of TAs don't come back for evening performances. Either because it's outside of their contracted hours, they are not paid for it or they live too far away/it's a pain to get back in time/have other commitments/don't want to.

OP in my experience there are often many children of that age that just do the daytime shows and don't come back for the evening ones. It's too late for many of them and parents often have younger siblings to put to bed too.

RangeRider · 08/12/2018 20:39

Another point is that these sort of social occasions can be hard work for those of us with autism, but if you get the chance to do little bits when there's no real importance attached then you've a much better chance of coping later on. So he could be a wander on, wander off sheep now but get enough confidence to be a full-time sheep next year and maybe a shepherd in a couple of years. If he's excluded now then how is he going to gain the confidence to improve?

Thewindsofchange · 08/12/2018 22:45

We won't see him on stage in the nativity - all the other parents get to beam at their children and take video to send to grandma, and we don't.

We missed ds's nativity for exactly the same reason. I cried in front of the teacher when she told me she didn't think he would cope so wouldn't be in it. I knew she was right but was still gutted. It seemed like a parental right of passage that I'd missed out on. I know exactly how you feel.
They don't do it in any other year so that was that.

MidniteScribbler · 08/12/2018 23:17

As a teacher, this makes me really angry. All children need to be given a chance to participate, should they want to.

We had a big performance this year, and I made sure that we were one of the first classes to perform, and my student with ASD was one of the flies (it was about recycling), so it was quite in character for him to be flitting all over the stage poking at all of the props. His mum came backstage with us to help out, and then took him home after the performance. There is no school play or nativity that can't be adapted so that all children can participate.

Fairenuff · 09/12/2018 10:44

We won't see him on stage in the nativity - all the other parents get to beam at their children and take video to send to grandma, and we don't.

You can't see him in the afternoon one because you can't get time off work. That's not the school's fault. And your dh will get to see him in that one.

testetesting · 09/12/2018 14:02

"To be fair, she is probably right"

Then YABU.

I'd have suggested you and he in a back stage role but it doesn't sound like this would work either.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 09/12/2018 14:46

Well it depends whether ‘he won’t cope’ means he’ll be distressed or whether it means he might make the play look less good. If it’s the former then he shouldn’t take part. If it’s the latter the teacher should be trying to find a way to involve him.

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