To feel sad my Sen child is excluded from the nativity play?

[BringWine]

He is autistic, though high-functioning and in a mainstream school, and his teacher told me she thinks he won't manage the 2 x 6pm performances next week. To be fair, she is probably right. The later it gets, the more tired he gets, the more withdrawn and stimmy he gets, and she won't have another adult around to manage him. I get it. But it still hurts. We won't see him on stage in the nativity - all the other parents get to beam at their children and take video to send to grandma, and we don't. My child has been chucking on the sheep costume and rehearsing for weeks, its been fun, though he is oblivious that there is no pay off. I'm tipsy and thinky. Thanks for reading x

How old is he OP? Only KS2 do evening performances in our school.
As pp have said, f you're going to be there anyway can't you say you'll offer support and take him off stage if it's getting too much for him?

If you wanted to kick up a stink you could, as he's diagnosed he must not have "less favourable treatment" than others. It could be argued that having a part, rehearsing, but not being allowed to perform is less favourable treatment. I'd be looking for a compromise that allows him to feel included (eg being cameraman as suggested upthread).

(that's the Equality Act btw)

I’m the same, OP. My DS is unable to take part in the nativity play as he wouldn’t be able to cope with sitting still and the crowds of children. It’s sad because it feels like such a milestone to see your child in the school play, and on TV we always see images of proud parents in the audience etc. I’ve just accepted that this year we won’t be seeing him on stage, but I’m going to be hoping he’ll want to join in next year.

If he is in a mianstream school then I presume this is because school have agreed they can meet his needs and this includes all school experiences such as trips and plays. I think it's really sad that he won't be in the play when he has practised for it. Imo the school should have tailored a small part for him at the start of the play meaning that he can leave if it gets to much.

My youngest is high-functioning ASD and I feel your plight when it comes to those heart-sinking, 'reality bites' moments, like the one your DC is experiencing now. It's exactly what you said, OP. You're chugging along and then you hit a bump, that bump that reminds us that because of their special needs, things are never quite in line with 'the norm' for our kids. It hurts and it causes me deep anxiety and distress when we hit those bumps (we too hit one yesterday at school and as it is in your case, my DS's teacher was coming from a place of compassion and good decision making with regards to what my son needs. But it hurts- me, not really him He's fine! There's a cold comfort in that.
Hugs and .

I think a bit more effort in finding another adult to support him needs to be explored if you feel he really would want to do 1 performance and it wasn't to his detriment. I cant believe there is only one member of staff - at our school the head would be sat on the floor supporting a child.
I also think that when organising 2 6pm perfomances they should have considered the children in the cohort and thought 1 day time performance might be an idea. Its not very inclusive just to ignore the children present.

I’d be more than disappointed. This not acceptable. There are loads of ways this be made to work. Rather than selling teas and coffees make it your role to support him and his teacher to make this happen.

How old is he? Our KS1 performances are all at 9.30.

I understand it’s not what you wanted to happen but if he would find the whole thing traumatic, that’s what I would focus on and think it was the best decision for him.

If it’s only the fact that it’s at 6pm that’s the problem -(and it’ll all be too much at the end of a long day) definitely ask about seeing a dress rehearsal (or going home at lunchtime that day and coming back for it) and suggest that in future they do a morning and an evening performance?

And 6pm is really late for a nativity (KS1). I mean, this wouldn't be great for my NT kids let alone my ASD DC. Mine always get a bit grizzly and fed up around 5pm.

I ageee with @Teachermommy

We’re in the same position, dd has autism. Teacher asked me this week if it’s ok if they put her in nursery while her class do nativity as it’s easier all round. No it isn’t bloody ok, she should be included with her peers. I am sick of having to fight every day for my child to be able to have access to everyday things that others just have or do. It’s exhausting. Don’t give dd a part of an animal she loves and then say she’s not singing the right words to the songs etc she’s too loud etc etc WHO CARES?! It’s a nativity of 4 and 5 year olds. I will be there to watch and if she needs to sit with me so be it but I am fed up of her being stuck back in nursery because it’s easier.

I feel like you OP it’s so so hard having a child with sen and unless you do you cannot understand it fully. At the end of the day all children should be included, that’s what school’s inclusion policies are all about and the equality act etc etc. Just because our children are ‘different’ and don’t know the words to the songs (because not too long ago they were non-verbal) doesn’t mean they should be taken out of their Christmas performance, it’s disgusting.

And I understand your son doesn’t seem bothered which is positive but it’s just another reminder that no one is really trying to keep our children included.

I understand how you feel op and your feelings are totally valid

You don’t say what age your DC is but my ASD boy, going through the years, we got him from sitting on my lap (or TAs) at edge of stage to starring role in year 6! This is so so important. Please don’t accept the exclusion but work with the teacher to find constructive ways to do this. Even if it means having the afternoon off school in order to be “rested” or whatever. Please push back on this. It’s not on.

I’m totally with the minister upthread who said that the teacher excluding him was missing the whole point of the Nativity.
Jesus himself said “Suffer little children and forbid them not, to come unto me, for such is the kingdom of heaven.”
Ask your son what he’d like to do. If he wants to take part, then your and the teacher’s job is to enable that.
Christmas, and God’s gift of His son, are for everybody - and that absolutely and especially includes those with special needs, along with the ill, the sad, the poor, the marginalised, the hungry - all of humanity.

I haven't read the entire thread but I do so feel for you OP and totally understand your upset.

I think they've not made 'reasonable adjustments' to be honest. I mean, he doesn't need to do the entire performance necessarily does he? I'd have talked to you (his mum) instead of arbitrarily making a decision like this - it's in or it's out. Couldn't he have a particular role and just do that and not the whole performance - or would that be more upsetting for him OP?

I remember at primary school (I don't have SEN) there was a school xmas performance and I was in the choir and we were singing together in a rehearsal and the teacher came along and listened to each of us close up and then I was told I couldn't be in the choir any more! I wouldn't mind but even now, I'm quite a decent singer and have in the last few years been in a choir, so clearly (and indeed I've checked out the following on an online test where I scored 100% (a positive value!)) I'm not tone deaf. Why did they single me out to exclude? I shall never know but it wasn't nice. I was sat in the audience right in front of the choir singing along under my breath feeling really wounded.

I agree with Balaboosteh - it's actually NOT acceptable, not at all. I'm a firm believe in 'Where there's a will there's a way'.

I feel for you op, it's a shame they couldn't do one day time performance and one evening.

I disagree with the posters though saying 'inclusion at all costs or kick up a stink' and I agree with everything @Blondebakingmumma has said.
Sometimes inclusion is not the best thing for the child, it doesn't benefit them whatsoever, and has a detrimental affect of others, all in the name of inclusion.
People really need to think about what is actually best for the child you have, not what you hoped they'd be.

It's always worth kicking up a stink about inclusion and he might not care this time but next time he might so better to get the school into good habits now. Anyway it's not kicking up a stink it's asking them to do their job

This. Sounds like they can’t be arsed trying to deal with him properly tbh. If you’ll be there then I don’t see the big deal.

You need to get in there and fight for him because no one else will. The teachers aren’t doing this because it’s best for him as an individual but because it’s easier for them and the class as a whole. Which I understand of course to an extent.

Plus if you let them away with this it’ll just be the start. It’ll school trips/residentials next that you have to fight for inclusion in.

And there’s fuck all chance I’d be standing there serving teas and coffees when my child was being excluded.

I know how hard it is OP I really do I walk this path myself but there comes a point where the school don’t really know best and bending over backwards to suit them at the expense of your own child and their well-being is detrimental. You need to grow some backbone and stand up for him x

It seems like most people on this thread are telling you to kick up a stink, fight for him to be included etc, but you have to remember that the teacher sees him at school, and probably knows what he’s capable of? It’s not about inclusion/his parents etc, it’s about what is best FOR HIM! You also know him better than anyone, and you say he will find it hard, so don’t force him into doing something that he will find stressful just for the sake of it (said in the nicest possible way). I get that it’s hard, it must be soul destroying sometimes, but your child needs to be put first.
Agree with, you should be able to go and watch the dress rehearsal, and why on earth are KS1 doing an evening performance!

I get you op, I have a dd11 who has ASD and learning difficulties, and was in mainstream reception class, and could not cope and now she is in a fantastic SS. Funnily enough, a pop came on my Facebook of her in her mainstream school nativity, where she was a star. She had her 1:1 with her and coped fine, but it was in the morning.

What is the point of your ds doing the dress rehersal, if they don't think he can cope. Can you ask the teacher, like somebody said, if you can go to the dress rehersal to watch.

I work in a mainstream school. As you'd expect, we have many children with a wide variety of additional needs. EVERY child is included in our school experiences. It's our duty as a school to find a way that makes it work. If that means being a bat in the nativity, because bats are their current interest, then great. If it means signing all the songs, great. We will all sign. If it means a child talking part for 5 minutes and then sitting watching, or helping with the singing from the side, then that's marvellous. If it means finding another adult to help, then that's what we do.

It's absolutely not acceptable to assume a child won't cope, without exploring every way to make it possible for them to join in in a way that's appropriate for them.

It makes me furious on your child's behalf.

You don't need to kick up a stink at all. The teacher is prob heavy hearted about it as well. Suggest the dress rehearsal idea. Ask if he just do one of them.

Why cant his TA be on hand to help,if there’s a problem? Absolutely ask to watch the dress rehearsal.

I know it’s hard but don’t let this one go.

My primary only ever didn’t include SEN children if they were distressed about performing.

It’s not about inclusion/his parents etc, it’s about what is best FOR HIM!

Sadly I’ve seen with my own eyes that this isn’t always the case. The school will often just do what’s best and easiest for them. It took me a long time sadly and my own son being reduced to a shell of himself by his school to see this and move him elsewhere.

Inclusion may not alway be the best thing but where there’s a presumption that all kids will be in mainstream unless it can be proven they need more then mainstream need to put the steps in place to try and support it.

I would ask your child what he wants to do.

If he thinks he wants to perform, ask the school to work with you to make it happen. Be prepared for him to change his mind on the day or on the stage. It can be dealt with.

If he doesn't want to perform, tell the school he doesn't want to ... but be prepared for him to change his mind. He is a member of the class(es) putting on the production, and if he decides he can/wants to do it, he will appear. AGain, be prepared for him to change his mind on the day or on the stage.

Tell other parents they can serve drinks and snacks at the performance if he goes. You are there to support your child. You do enough for the school by the sounds of it.

The timing is so silly, 6pm for KS1 kids, most will be tired and ratty after a full day at school anyway. Ask ds if he wants to be in the play, if he does, they have to accommodate his SN and not cop out.