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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad my Sen child is excluded from the nativity play?

114 replies

BringWine · 08/12/2018 00:44

He is autistic, though high-functioning and in a mainstream school, and his teacher told me she thinks he won't manage the 2 x 6pm performances next week. To be fair, she is probably right. The later it gets, the more tired he gets, the more withdrawn and stimmy he gets, and she won't have another adult around to manage him. I get it. But it still hurts. We won't see him on stage in the nativity - all the other parents get to beam at their children and take video to send to grandma, and we don't. My child has been chucking on the sheep costume and rehearsing for weeks, its been fun, though he is oblivious that there is no pay off. I'm tipsy and thinky. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

MozzieMagnet · 08/12/2018 02:32

Bring
Just ask to attend the last daily rehearsal they have and film/photo it then. A teacher did that for me when I said it was the only way I'd be able to see my DD sing (Siblings who were noisy were asked not to attend so the newborn and I were VIPs at the dress run instead).

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/12/2018 02:33

It is sad to miss out on the things you thought would go with bringing up a child. I think asking the teacher if you could attend a dress rehearsal (assuming you can get to one) is a good idea.

If it makes you feel any better, think about all the negative bits of attending the nativity. They tend to be overly long. The kids are not seasoned, or even aware performers a lot of the time so will spend lots of time waving at parents, half the lines will be mumbled so even if they have a talented playwright/director/producer it will not be a stellar performance. Someone is going to have brought a baby that starts crying 5 minutes in and they will not leave to quiet him/her. Half the audience will be holding up their phones to record the event so you won't get a great view anyway (and the person in front of you will move their phone right over your field of view just as LittleBring was due to Bhaa).

My own (NT) kids would have struggled with 6pm performances when they were of the age to do nativities. If we'd had that, I would be the parent who sat through all the whole performance pretending not to mind that her DC was sat at the edge of the stage crying and throwing bits of her tinsel halo into the audience/wasn't wearing the costume (that we'd spent hours creating)/etc. After the show, once we got home, there would have been melt downs galore.

I sat through many dire performances. I don't mean that to sound like I'm dismissing your feelings. I wouldn't have missed them, so I definitely think YANB at all U to be sad, but they are certainly a mixed blessing, so if it helps you to remember the bad bits of these little "moments" then please do. I hope your DC has had a good time rehearsing the performance.

123bananas · 08/12/2018 02:47

I think most children that age will be tired out by two performances at that time. It is a shame they have planned it that way, like others have said they may be doing a dress rehearsal performance to the school that you might be able to attend.

Ds is in Reception in a mainstream school and has autism. They are doing a morning and afternoon performance. I am hoping he will manage the morning one, but if he doesn't I don't mind as I would rather he not become distressed and overwhelmed.

If you know your son will struggle then maybe it is for the best, but I completely get your disappointment.

panago · 08/12/2018 02:58

In any other western county you could sue the shit out of the school for this. I don't understand why the uk can be so forward in some areas and so so so far behind in things like inclusion. Mind boggling.

IntoTheDeep · 08/12/2018 02:59

I agree that asking the school if you can watch a dress rehearsal might be a way forward. My DC’s school has let me watch a dress rehearsal before when it’s been impossible for me to make the actual performance.

But this sort of thing makes me sad too when it happens with DS1 (7, he has high functioning autism). And even when DS1 gets included, the contrast between him and his NT classmates can sometimes be difficult to see.

DS1’s school Christmas production was this week, they did one show first thing in the morning, and another in the afternoon at the end of the school day.

I went to see the morning performance and DS1, although included, was clearly struggling to cope. There was a lot of stimming going on and he was shuffled out of a side door before the final number in the show.
He didn’t do the afternoon show at all, the teacher said that he’d got very distressed about the idea of doing it all again, so they’d decided not to push him into it. I was a bit sad that he’d not been included in the afternoon show, but having seen how difficult he’d found the morning one, it was probably the best decision for him.

Blondebakingmumma · 08/12/2018 04:08

Still mind boggling that posters are suggested trying to force inclusion on a child who will become upset and distressed. Inclusion should be for the benefit of the child not so everyone can pay themselves on the back because everyone’s included

Dieu · 08/12/2018 04:16

He should be the cameraman. Get him a 'cameraman' t-shirt printed, and he can film the whole thing on a school iPad.
Every child should have a role.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 08/12/2018 04:25

Is there any possibility of having your ds on stage for a couple of minutes and then leaving the hall so you'd get to see him on stage, but it wouldn't be too much for him? Perhaps he could also arrive as most people are already in the hall?

I appreciate that if he struggles when tired this may not work, and could possibly create more problems than it solves. But it's how I've managed to include children in nativities in the past. Difference being, our nativity is in school time.

SilverApples · 08/12/2018 04:26

What would you prefer happened? Can you agree to be his 1:1 and support him for the evenings? Do you think he could handle it and enjoy it?
I understand, I’m a teacher with adult children with HFA and we all negotiated the minefields of inclusion over the years. But what path is best for your child in this situation?
Yes, it hurts, but if you think that the teacher’s decision has your child’s wellbeing at heart, he’s being cared for and thought about as the individual he is.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 08/12/2018 04:35

Also for the next child! This isn't kicking up a stink.

Want2bSupermum · 08/12/2018 04:58

Why the heck is the show at 6pm. That's far too late for most DC. It will be at least 8pm before they are in bed. My eldest is 7 and bedtime is 7pm at the latest. Any later and they are absolute beasts the next day. Yes mine have ASD but it's the same with my friends who have NT DC.

He absolutely should have a role. I don't understand why the show can't be earlier with it broadcast live and recorded for parents to watch the show from their family account if they can't leave work. This is what we do at our inclusive school here in the US. It works out really well. My DC are both singing in their shows on Monday. They moved the show up because we leave Wednesday to go back home for the holidays. Daddy will be watching from Munich.

FrostyMoanyWind · 08/12/2018 05:06

Is he going to wonder why the other children are talking about a performance that he wasn't in?

This, with bells on.

Still mind boggling that posters are suggested trying to force inclusion on a child who will become upset and distressed.

But you don't know, and no one can say, if he will become upset and distressed.

It could be far, far more distressing to him to know that he has been practising and practising and is then excluded from the final performance than it is for him to take part. He will hear the other children talking about it and he will know.
Forcing him to take part is not the answer, but letting him take part and giving him a choice of what to do if it gets too much (e.g you sit in front row and he can come to you) might be the answer.

Flowerpot2005 · 08/12/2018 05:29

The teachers reasoning is she doesn't have another adult around to support DS 'if' he gets tired.

Why can't your husband be there to support DS& take him home should it be too much for him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2018 05:52

The teacher unilaterally decided this without discussing the situation with you. Sorry they’re wrong and you would be right to kick up a stink. I’m not surprised you feel as though your ds has been thrown under the bus.

I would have thought a sensible solution would be for your dh to be his 121 one evening and you to do it the other. Sod going and serving tea when your ds is at home oblivious. I’d be emailing the head and asking them why you should support the school when they are not supporting inclusivity for your child.

I also think 6pm is ridiculously late for a class of 6 yos. My NT dd would have struggled massively at this age. She would have kept it together until after the performance. My friend’s NT ds probably wouldn’t have. The school should have made a reasonable adjustment for your ds. That adjustment would be to do a performance during the day. This will be the first of a few plays so it would be good to stamp on this now rather than wait for it to happen again in a year or two.

As for seeing the play now, if you really feel your ds can’t take part even with you and your dh as his 121, you could go to see the performance in the dress rehearsal or when they perform to the rest of the school.

lifecouldbeadream · 08/12/2018 05:52

I think the key to this is how will it affect him? If he is likely to struggle but enjoy it, then he should be there. If it will upset him, then perhaps it’s in his best interest. In either event, it should be his/your choice and if he does stim more than normal, so what?

Trumpetboysmum · 08/12/2018 06:05

I know the teacher is talking about his best interests , but I really do think they should be trying to include him. Then if it doesn’t work out and he gets too tired, distressed etc you can take him home early . I have included , supported and watched lots of nativity plays where children with complex needs including autism have been involved . One particular class springs to mind where I have seen the class do a play or assembly every year since nursery . In the early years a particular child found it very difficult to join in - but did - now they manage full blown speaking parts I couldn’t feel prouder for them always makes me well up and they’re not even my child !! But if school had said at the outset we don’t think they would cope they would never have had the chance to see .

Trumpetboysmum · 08/12/2018 06:07

Lifecould - exactly . Ds was in a play once and another child decided to lie down in the middle of the stage and make snow angel shapes ( until a lovely ta rescued him) . The other children including ds were used to this behaviour so just carefully stepped over him and carried on!! No one cared , we all understood this child had been in my sons class for years . I think we would have all been quite upset if he hadn’t been there .

FrostyMoanyWind · 08/12/2018 06:11

Coming back to what you said in your OP To be fair, she is probably right.

I'm not sure this is true. You are the person who knows him best. If it was probably right you would have had misgivings before she had ever raised it with you, and would maybe even have raised it with her first.

Our first Christmas concert, we tried to pull our SN child out, wasn't permitted so we called him in ill for half a week. Then had to deal with months of "when will we go to the concert!" There was another case at the end of the second year when the teacher approached us, that was clearly because she didn't want the embarrassment of him in her class show in front of the school. So, you know your child best. But consider also that she is thinking of having to deal with a class of child children and could well just be trying to make things easier for herself rather than easier for your child.

user1484424013 · 08/12/2018 06:21

If be questioning why 4 year olds are performing for one and why it's twice at 6pm in the evening. Talk about disrupting every household. Sorry but if kick up a stink because this will go on until year 6. He will become excluded from everything.

InACloudOfGlitter · 08/12/2018 06:47

If he’s a sheep why can’t he join in as he wants to?
If he was a main character like Joseph then it would be understandable, but if he didn’t do the 2nd night then a sheep wouldn’t be a huge miss in a nativity. It’s a kids nativity not Broadway.
How old are they?
The school should be trying harder to include him imo,

LilMy33 · 08/12/2018 06:53

YANBU and I’ve been where you are when my youngest was still in mainstream education. In fact one of the teachers of another class let slip to a good friend of mine who also works at the school that if DS has been in her class she’d have found him a part to play that wouldn’t be too missed in the main performances and let me come watch the dress rehearsal. But his class teacher apparently would not back down- she wanted everything to be “perfect” apparently.

Flowerpot2005 · 08/12/2018 06:59

user1484424013 where does it say the OP's child is 4?

MaisyPops · 08/12/2018 07:08

user1484424013
My guess is it's 6pm because you only have to see all the complaining that happens when parents have to miss big assemblies and nativities for being at 2pm or 1130 because they are at work. It seems a bit too late to me, but it's fairly obviously why they'd be doing them later

OP
Why not have a chat with school. I dont believe that pushing someone into a situation that's likely to be stressful and tiring is good for them, plus it risks being a horrible experience which could put them off later years when they may find it easier to manage. There should really be a work around though, like other posters have said going to see the dress rehearsal could be one solution.
I hope it get a sorted for you.

OneInEight · 08/12/2018 07:59

It is a difficult one.

One year ds2's teacher bravely (I think the other staff would have said foolhardly) gave him the starring role in a class assembly. He was having major problems that year and I think everyone else would have said keep him out of the assembly completely. But he did it brilliantly (biased of course) AND it was the only two weeks of the entire year that he trotted into school happily so the gamble more than paid off.

On the other hand I have happily consented to stop him doing activities that I would consider that would have caused him a lot of stress with no great benefit.

What I would say though is that you start keeping a written record each time he is unable to do a specific activity at school so that if you need to apply for extra support later on so you have a clear paper trail of evidence that extra support is needed for him to access the full curriculum.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 08/12/2018 08:43

Has anyone actually asked the child what HE wants to do?

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