To think you can't be a "nice guy" if you use prostitutes for sex?

[NotMyOriginalName1]

Or can you?

In short, somebody I've known for a number of years openly admits to visiting sex workers and has deluded himself into believing he's one of the good guys and isn't exploitative. He spouts bullshit about having respect for the women he sees and thinks they adore his charming company.

I've lost what respect I have for him.

Unbeknownst to him I have personal experience of these situations, I was a sex worker in my late teens and what lead me there was an abusive relationship. I never felt respected by one single 'customer' in fact it was the 'good guys' who made my skin crawl the most.

Aibu to say he's an exploitative c-u-next-tuesday or am I jaded as a result my own trauma?

No. You can’t.

Not a nice guy. 100% not a nice guy.

Ask him if he had a daughter would he be happy for her to do that job

No of course you can't.

I'm really surprised by the responses. I think I'm a pretty liberal, open minded person and I have had lots of frank conversations over the years with friends and lovers. Several guys I know have paid for sex. I've not thought any less of them.

Would you have a relationship with any of them though?

And No OP he is not a nice guy.

And No a woman who pays for Sex is also not a nice woman.

I couldn't respect a man who thinks he has a right to a woman's body because he paid her money

////// this with bells on ////

Similarly a family member recently went to a strip club in a well known party city on a stag and he apparently remarked on how young the girl was.

Yes she was very likely to have been trafficked you disgusting shit.
This guy has daughters. I have zero respect for him now.

However I must still state that not EVERYONE in the sex industry is forced into it

No. But it does depend a bit on your definition of “forced”

and not EVERYONE using their services is a complete scum dickhead

Yes they are.

Why do those allegedly so very "nice" men go to prostitutes in the first place?

Because they cannot get laid with other women? Why do they expect to not be rejected by prostituted women if prostituted women are doing this just for fun and don't need the money?

Because they are cheating on their spouse and prostituted women "don't count" - what a "nice" dehumanizing attitude?

Because they want to do sexual acts that other women wouldn't consent to? Why do they expect prostituted women to "consent" when prostituted women allegedly are doing this voluntarily? Why would their pain threshold and preferences be any different from other women's?

A man who buys prostituted women either thinks all women are for sale, or he sees prostituted women as fundamentally different from other women - something we call the "Madonna-Whore-Complex".

A man who respects women and sees prostituted women as no different from other women would not think he has any better chance of not being rejected by a prostitute than any other woman.

All other things being equal, why would a man prefer to pay for something he can have for free?

Do you feel the same about women/men that marry for money? There are a lot of them about. I don't see a difference personally.

How can a man who visits a prostitute be deemed 'not nice' but a woman/man who provides the service is untainted by your judgement?

I think that sex workers provide a service for damaged people. Always. They're damaged, unable to form or keep relationships without paying for them. I don't judge them for that anymore than I'd judge the sex worker who provides the service.

I also think that most people who spout off about sex workers and their clients know nothing about it.

@vampirethriller I can relate entirely to what you've said. Two particular "nice guys" who made a habit of seeing me on a regular basis used to fill me with such dread and anxiety when I knew they were coming. It was commonplace for them to expect extra time off the clock or badger me incessantly when I wasn't working "because we were basically friends now"

It was the norm for me to have bruises and scratches from my abusive partner and whilst one of the "nice clients" knew exactly where they were from, neither one of them gave a shiny shit about my wellbeing to the extent where they didn't expect to indulge in whatever their latest fantasy was.

I hope you are OK now and have found your peace

I portrayed the "I'm doing this simply because I love sex and the money is just a bonus" bollocks and perfected the act accordingly but in reality it was anything but.

I think a high percentage (although yes not all) of women who go into these things are vulnerable in one way or another.

After having listened to Julie Bindel's speech at LAWS last week, I'm inclined to say anyone who pays to enter a woman's orifices is the exact opposite of nice. The impact that prostitution has on society - legal or otherwise - is horrendous, and the impact on individuals is catastrophic.

Op another here saying agreeing with you, he isn’t a nice guy at all.

These men delude themselves that the women wants to have sex with them. And don’t have a single thought for the women’s circumstances and the high possible that they don’t want to be having sex at all.

I think I'm a pretty liberal, open minded person and I have had lots of frank conversations over the years with friends and lovers. Several guys I know have paid for sex. I've not thought any less of them.

Really? I'm the super liberal sort as well, like super liberal, and try above anything else to understand the worlds inside other people's heads that make them do the things they do.

I know people who've paid for sex. I know people who've had affairs, people who've suffered addictions, people who have done all sorts of terrible things. I can feel empathy for those people - heck, I've been one of those people - and I can see that people good people do bad things...

But I will still tell someone that what they're doing is bad when I think it's bad! I understand the man paying for sex. But I'm fucked if I can't stand up and tell them I think it's wrong, and if I didn't I'd bloody well think less of myself.

for Not and Vampire

I'm really surprised by the responses. I think I'm a pretty liberal, open minded person and I have had lots of frank conversations over the years with friends and lovers

You seem to be confusing being anti- prostitution with being anti-sex , illiberal and narrow - minded. It's a "confusion" the pro punter and pro pimp brigade like to spread. I'm not suggesting you are either but what you have said is the type of untrue propaganda pimps and punters like.

Being anti- prostitution is being pro- humanity. It's being pro-sex as a joyful, fun activity engaged in freely by consenting adults.

Several guys I know have paid for sex. I've not thought any less of them.

Thus post bears repeating

There's something missing in their perception of humanity if they think their right to another persons' body can be purchased,

However I must still state that not EVERYONE in the sex industry is forced into it and not EVERYONE using their services is a complete scum dickhead.

My views and I am sure 99.9% of you will disagree.

If your Daughter/Sister was the prostitute and just doing it for the money, do you still think you would say "hey they are nice guys and its just a job". What luck that nice guy wants to pay my daughter lots of money to have sex with her. Not a scummy dickhead at all.

I also don't understand the label of 'nice'. Who gets to decide what that is? Can I decide? I'd say that most people are actually not very nice. They are selfish, self-absorbed and deluded into thinking that they're somewhat elevated above everybody else.

OP, if you're that sure of your opinion of this person, why do you need to even ask?

How can a man who visits a prostitute be deemed 'not nice' but a woman/man who provides the service is untainted by your judgement?

Same reason I can deem sweatshop owners 'not nice' without condemning sweatshop workers.

Lyinwitchin - is the op 'spouting off' about stuff she knows nothing about?!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe because until his revelation I was very much of the impression he was a lovely person, and I'm very aware that due to my own experiences my opinion could be considered biased

OP, if you're that sure of your opinion of this person, why do you need to even ask?

It's comforting to know you're not alone.

Well put @ratrolypoly I feel exactly the same. It does make difference, not making paying for sex ‘normal’ or okay. Busting the myth of the happy prositute and poor shy guy who is actually nice.

Tragic bold fail. This was a quote, not my own words

Several guys I know have paid for sex. I've not thought any less of them

I only know 1 man, from a very long time ago and it completely changed my opinion of him.

Without outing myself, a member of my DH’s family uses prostitutes. He goes regularly to Thailand, Amsterdam and apparently has convinced his Mother he’s there to see friends.

I’m told constantly what a nice guy he is, but I don’t see it. YANBU OP.

Fgm? Am i allowed to have an opinion on that or would I be spouting off about stuff I know nothing about