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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you can't be a "nice guy" if you use prostitutes for sex?

452 replies

NotMyOriginalName1 · 06/12/2018 14:22

Or can you?

In short, somebody I've known for a number of years openly admits to visiting sex workers and has deluded himself into believing he's one of the good guys and isn't exploitative. He spouts bullshit about having respect for the women he sees and thinks they adore his charming company.

I've lost what respect I have for him.

Unbeknownst to him I have personal experience of these situations, I was a sex worker in my late teens and what lead me there was an abusive relationship. I never felt respected by one single 'customer' in fact it was the 'good guys' who made my skin crawl the most.

Aibu to say he's an exploitative c-u-next-tuesday or am I jaded as a result my own trauma?

OP posts:
stevie69 · 06/12/2018 15:04

It's my personal opinion, you're welcome to disagree. One person's "nice" is another person's "can't stand 'em", but for me I won't be putting someone who coerces somebody into sex on my nice list any time soon.

I do disagree. But totally agree with the 'One person's nice is another person's can't stand 'em' bit Blush

Rudolphie · 06/12/2018 15:05

I guess if you have this view of him now then it will always be in the back of your head and you will not be able to get beyond that. You should respect your feelings and go with them.

To the posters who were forced into work they did not agree to that is so awful and I am so sorry. I hope you have found happiness.

However I must still state that not EVERYONE in the sex industry is forced into it and not EVERYONE using their services is a complete scum dickhead.

My views and I am sure 99.9% of you will disagree.

HestiaParthenos · 06/12/2018 15:05

I do not judge it any differently than a guy in a pub buying a girl a few drinks or taking her to dinner and thinking his luck was in.

Me, too.

Men who think they are owed sex because they paid for dinner have a rapist's mindset.

So do men who buy prostitutes.

Like you, I don't see a huge difference there. The demographics are probably the same; where else would the guy who buys a girl a few drinks have learnt that women's bodies are for sale?

NottonightJosepheen · 06/12/2018 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeynuts18 · 06/12/2018 15:08

Any man who uses the phrase ‘I’m a nice guy’ is invariably an utter arsehole.

RatRolyPoly · 06/12/2018 15:09

I agree with the first half of your statement Rudolphie Smile

...not so much the second. Although I do think good people do bad things, and that someone who has used prostitutes can be redeemed. But it really does depend on them seeing what they've done as completely reprehensible and never to be repeated. And if they really never see how bad it is, I'm afraid to me that makes them scum.

RatRolyPoly · 06/12/2018 15:09

Any man who uses the phrase ‘I’m a nice guy’ is invariably an utter arsehole.

Hahaha, yep!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 06/12/2018 15:10

I do not think the act of paying for sex (often men are paying for company or affection) necessarily makes them a bad guy. I totally disagree. Paying for affection or sex reeks of unhealthy and harmful attitudes. It’s not that far from slavery. People are not ours to do as we want. I want to be in a society that is becoming kinder and more tolerant, more respectful. This is the opposite.

I know people who ended up in the sex industry. They swore at the time it was their choice. Now they admit they were damaged, vulnerable women and deeply regret it. One now cannot have children because of exposure to infections, the other woman was raped, their relationships were dysfunctional for a long time.

HestiaParthenos · 06/12/2018 15:10

However I must still state that not EVERYONE in the sex industry is forced into it and not EVERYONE using their services is a complete scum dickhead.

You may be correct that not everyone in prostitution is forced into it by physical violence.

You are, however, incorrect in assuming that not everyone using them is a complete scum dickhead.

What must go through a man's head so that he can think to himself: "Hmmm, there's a one in ten chance I am committing rape by sticking my dick into this woman ... eh, I'll risk it." ?

(This is an EXAMPLE. I do not mean to imply that only ten percent of prostituted women are forced into prostitution by violence or poverty, I am pretty sure it is many more. But even IF it was only ten percent, or even just one percent, any man who buys women's bodies would be scum.)

Rudolphie · 06/12/2018 15:10

I read a thread on here recently about mother’s wanting their daughters to marry in to money..... I actually judge that a lot more

HestiaParthenos · 06/12/2018 15:11

Any man who uses the phrase ‘I’m a nice guy’ is invariably an utter arsehole.

Hah, too true, too true.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 06/12/2018 15:12

Also agree with @rat it’s a bad harmful act, paying for prostitutes. If the OPs friend redeemed himself then there’s hope for the guy, if he carries on even after the OP tells him it’s harmful, I’d cut the friendship.

SpamChaudFroid · 06/12/2018 15:12

I believe it was author and ex prostitute Rachel Moran who described these "nice guys" as "gentle rapists". Like OP and a PP, she felt they were the worst.

Often the women who have done sex work develop PTSD. How "nice" is that for them?

InfiniteCurve · 06/12/2018 15:14

Even if there are sex workers who have chosen that entirely freely and enjoy their work,that isn't everyone.
And as a user how do you know,assuming you are not naive enough to believe you are such a nice guy any women would be happy to be with you.
If you are paying for then surely you need to accept that some will not be there entirely freely and that you are complicit in that.And that even if you are "nice" not all clients will be.

LassWiADelicateAir · 06/12/2018 15:14

I consider myself a not-especially-nice guy and couldn't engage a prostitute. Sex is between consenting adults. You can't buy consent. So this plus a hundred other reasons

You are probably a lot nicer than you give yourself credit for.

For some students and then professionals it offers a very quick (time wise) income that believe or not some people enjoy as much as we all enjoy our jobs

Even if that were true, it doesn't stop the punters , male or female being scum.

So .... is it possible to be a nice woman and pay for sex?

No; why do you even have to ask. Nice people don't use prostitutes.


53rdWay · 06/12/2018 15:15

People can justify an awful lot to themselves. There were plenty of slaveowners convinced that they were nice people who were kind and compassionate and their slaves were treated well.

Hidingtonothing · 06/12/2018 15:15

Assuming we're defining 'nice' as kind, respectful of others, empathetic etc then no. There is something inherently wrong with a person who can have sex knowing there's a strong chance the other person doesn't want to, beyond needing the money involved. There's something missing in their perception of humanity if they think their right to another persons' body can be purchased.

LassWiADelicateAir · 06/12/2018 15:17

However I must still state that not EVERYONE in the sex industry is forced into it possibly correct

and not EVERYONE using their services is a complete scum dickhead

No. They are. If they weren't they wouldn't be buying a human masturbatory aid.

Rudolphie · 06/12/2018 15:18

I am not ever excusing manipulative behaviour or forced handing over of money but I do think it has to be acknowledged that some people (Male and female) do go in eyes open and come out the other side ok. They are the lucky ones I understand that. However I think the same consideration could be shown to a few men / women who pay for sex and who should not be treated as outcasts. If they had known love maybe they would not have gone down that path. If they had an affair I think many may think that’s another leap and emotional.... I am actually not defending someone cheating ever be it paid for or not but I do think judging everyone on one level if they ever paid for sex is wrong.

What if they paid to go to a strip club? Is that still paying for a body?

LassWiADelicateAir · 06/12/2018 15:19

There's something missing in their perception of humanity if they think their right to another persons' body can be purchased.

Excellent summary.

Auntiepatricia · 06/12/2018 15:19

What Hestia said. I was coming on to say that. No man can ever ever know for sure that the prostitute he is using is not a vulnerable person or a trafficked person, there’s a high likelihood they are, so that in itself makes every single man who pays for sex the scum of the earth.

LassWiADelicateAir · 06/12/2018 15:19

What if they paid to go to a strip club? Is that still paying for a body?

Yes and still scum.

MadameJosephine · 06/12/2018 15:21

Lots of previous posters have put it much more eloquently than me but just on a basic gut level the thought of it makes my flesh crawl and I could never have anything to do with this so called ‘nice guy’ again

Wittow · 06/12/2018 15:21

I'm really surprised by the responses. I think I'm a pretty liberal, open minded person and I have had lots of frank conversations over the years with friends and lovers. Several guys I know have paid for sex. I've not thought any less of them.

Tinty · 06/12/2018 15:21

I do not judge it any differently than a guy in a pub buying a girl a few drinks or taking her to dinner and thinking his luck was in.

Really?

The difference is the girl he is taking for dinner has a choice she may or may not want to have sex with, someone she has got to know slightly over dinner him, and that is her choice. It is not the same as saying here is £50 the price of dinner and drink and you have to have sex with me whether you would like to or not complete stranger who I have just picked up.

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