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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being annoyed - open relationship

150 replies

ImFreezinMyTitsOff · 05/12/2018 19:10

OK so I'm in an open relationship (basically one sided as I have no interest in even talking to myself at the moment let alone meeting somebody new). I'm fine with him doing this shit but don't lie and don't bring it into our relationship was my 2 terms. But when we're cuddling on the sofa or spending time together every really he sits on dating apps or looks at porn (as if flicking through mumsnet). I'm also aware he's been talking to another woman, and his phone is constantly pinging with messages. It bothers me as I feel under pressure in my own home. The other day he was like what are we doing on Thursday and I knew straight away he was planning to go and see her. I questioned him on why he wanted to know but he insisted there was no reason. Now today he's said there is a reason and he wants to go and see her tomorrow for 8 hours. I don't know how I feel about that. This whole things started making me feel sick.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2018 14:49

Open relationships do not work in practice

They very much can. But contrary to popular belief an open relationship isn’t both partners shagging around as they want, it’s a mutual agreement which is very much based on boundaries and respect.

The OP isn’t in an open relationship, her partner isn’t respecting the boundaries and there’s the issue.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/12/2018 14:51

I told him I'm not comfortable with the arrangement anymore. At first he was annoyed but then calmed down and said its not a deal breaker...However he does still want to go see the OW later on.

Erm.

Paperplain · 06/12/2018 15:00

I would perhaps start looking at dating apps too and arranging other dates and letting him know you are also eating your cake.... see how he reacts and if he is truly wanting an open relationship then or just a door mat

Hugs to you.

Original poster

ImFreezinMyTitsOff · 06/12/2018 15:03

This whole situation is draining.

OP posts:

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 15:14

JacquesHammer I don't agree, I think they're absolute rubbish and the work of the devil

Mouseville65 · 06/12/2018 15:22

Why Carnt he take YOU for a meal and a film??

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2018 15:41

I don't agree, I think they're absolute rubbish and the work of the devil

So don’t have one. I know a couple of couples for whom they’ve worked very successfully for years.

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 15:44

I just don't believe it, there is absolutely no way that everyone involved is happy.

NotANotMan · 06/12/2018 15:46

Open relationships absolutely can work but this isn't one

Branleuse · 06/12/2018 16:09

im not a particularly jealous person and me and dp have dabbled with opening up our relationship in the past, but fucks sake OP. This isnt an open relationship. This is you having no self worth or boundaries. What exactly is the point of this dude? The whole point of an open relationship is because you actually want to be together too and its supposed to add excitement to your relationship. If hes spending his time when WITH you on other women, then thats basically him giving you the finger.

To me, it sounds like he doesnt give a fuck about you, and you dont give that much of a fuck about him. Its probably time to call it a day.

You know that saying - before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure youre not just surrounded by arseholes....

BumbleBeee69 · 06/12/2018 16:11

You make his Dinner, do his laundry, cook his meals, give him a warm welcoming home to return to after a days work, and he's out shagging whoever he wants too, and not even trying to hide the fact.

Kick him out OP

it IS that easy.

aintnothinbutagstring · 06/12/2018 16:26

How did you come about this arrangement? I'd be surprised if your relationship could recover even if he did stop (not likely, he'd just cheat the conventional way). Is this what you want for yourself, I'd be in bits if it was my DH.

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2018 16:34

I just don't believe it, there is absolutely no way that everyone involved is happy

Yes I’m sure faceless person on the internet, you do indeed know better

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 16:41

JacquesHammer I have a face. And also a brain. Anyone who also has the latter can see that this is just some sort new fangled idiocy that results in mental health problems for at least one of the people involved

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2018 16:45

I have a face. And also a brain. Anyone who also has the latter can see that this is just some sort new fangled idiocy that results in mental health problems for at least one of the people involved

You’re anonymous on a forum.

You say “new-fangled”. One couple have been together in their open relationship for longer than I’ve been alive. But hey, crack on imposing mental health problems on people you don’t know. Nothing weird about that at all.

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 16:51

JacquesHammer imposing mental health problems on people? Don't be ridiculous.

JacquesHammer · 06/12/2018 16:57

You said...

that this is just some sort new fangled idiocy that results in mental health problems for at least one of the people involved

Do keep up. Actually don’t, your ridiculous derailing isn’t helping the OP at all

Storm4star · 06/12/2018 17:03

Just go for a meal and watch a movie

Why isn't he doing that with you? In a way, this would hurt me more than a man just popping to someones house for sex! Seriously why does he need to do this with the OW? Spending family money on taking another woman out. Having fun and laughing with her. While you sit alone at home miserable. I agree with everyone else. You deserve better than this.

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 17:04

I'm well aware of what I said. My opinion, same as everyone else has. But as usual you're singling mine out

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 06/12/2018 18:06

Open relationships can work... And work well.
This is not an open relationship.

Strongmummy · 06/12/2018 19:13

@Pinkyyy you’re the only person on this thread as far as I’ve read who is saying open relationships don’t work.

Everyone else is saying that this ISN’T an open relationship.

BlueSuffragette · 06/12/2018 19:21

Sounds like you are not comfortable with this. It is so one sided. He is taking real advantage of you. Why not leave rather than be a doormat?

TeddybearBaby · 06/12/2018 19:28

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this 💐. May advice to you is to have some therapy. Build up your self esteem / worth.

I could tell you to leave him and that he’s selfish and all the rest of it but unless you think you’re wonderful and worth more it won’t make any difference. Did he go out? X

IAmNotAWitch · 08/12/2018 20:44

I actually think a "date" with someone is worse than just sex.

MiamiLogic · 08/12/2018 23:56

I’m sure that if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn’t be so relaxed. I don’t think this is what you want. It seems to be upsetting you more than you expected. You say you’re not feeling great about yourself at the moment, and I don’t know if being in an open relationship is good for that state of mind. I think people who do it and do it equally tend to be very confident.

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