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Original poster

Being annoyed - open relationship

150 replies

ImFreezinMyTitsOff · 05/12/2018 19:10

OK so I'm in an open relationship (basically one sided as I have no interest in even talking to myself at the moment let alone meeting somebody new). I'm fine with him doing this shit but don't lie and don't bring it into our relationship was my 2 terms. But when we're cuddling on the sofa or spending time together every really he sits on dating apps or looks at porn (as if flicking through mumsnet). I'm also aware he's been talking to another woman, and his phone is constantly pinging with messages. It bothers me as I feel under pressure in my own home. The other day he was like what are we doing on Thursday and I knew straight away he was planning to go and see her. I questioned him on why he wanted to know but he insisted there was no reason. Now today he's said there is a reason and he wants to go and see her tomorrow for 8 hours. I don't know how I feel about that. This whole things started making me feel sick.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 06/12/2018 00:40

You don't want this. You've accepted open relationship thing because your self esteem is on the floor and you wanted to hold on to him. Now he's rubbing your nose in it and he'll continue to do so. Find your worth and dump. Being on your own is better than this

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2018 01:03

Open relationships can work really well, but firstly everyone needs to be comfortable with the concept, and everyone needs to treat everyone else involved with courtesy, kindness and respect. That doesn't seem to be happening here.
Was your relationship initially an exclusive one, or did he say from the beginning that monogamy was not on offer? What has been discussed about how it will work when you are looking for other partners - is he just assuming that you won't?
And, given that you are clearly unhappy, what is stopping you leaving/throwing him out? Is he supporting you financially, do you have a shared mortgage/tenancy, do you have DC with him?

pallisers · 06/12/2018 01:06

It's like he can't even be bothered to spend 10 minutes with me without trying to find somebody else

Why don't you really think about this sentence, OP (it is your own). It is the truth. You are smart enough to have spotted that. What will you do now if that is the reality of the "open relationship" ?

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 01:10

This isn’t an open relationship. This is him having his cake, freezing a slice and eating a gateau. He’s being a disrespectful, shitty, twat.

It’s NEVER ‘easy’, but why do you feel it’s difficult for you to split from him?

You DO deserve much more than this 🌷

StoppinBy · 06/12/2018 01:24

If you agreed that an open r/s means he has sex with other women then he is crossing the line, it sounds like he is having more intimate get togethers than that.

If you agreed to a don't ask/don't tell open r/s then he is also crossing the line.

You need to reset the boundaries you are comfortable with and if he can't toe the line get rid of him. Also you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this r/s with him and whether you want to continue it either way.

sheldonesque · 06/12/2018 01:28

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

This is not suiting you OP and frankly he sounds as though he is a right prick. An open relationship wouldn't be for me either but by Christ I'd want to be treated with a lot more respect if I ever went down that road.

You are worthy of so much more. Hoof him out.

caringcarer · 06/12/2018 01:47

He is clearly not a keeper. He is making you miserable in your own home. He shows you no respect and does not care about your feelings. What on earth do you see in him? Trade up and find someone who will love and cherish you not disrespect and cheat on you. In future do not agree to this type of relationship as it is not making you happy.

ThistleAmore · 06/12/2018 01:57

There is a French saying which roughly translates as 'there is always one who kisses, and one who turns the cheek'.

You're not in an open relationship, you're trying to hang on to somebody who has no interest in commitment, communication or respect. That's not how open relationships work.

Just get rid, be single for a while and work on your own self-respect/esteem/resilience. You're self-harming just now and unless you take steps to end things on your terms, with your dignity reasonably untarnished, this will not end well.

IAmNotAWitch · 06/12/2018 02:03

It is that easy.

There might be fallout, there might be things to arrange that are a pain in the arse.

But it is all doable.

Women leave abusive financially controlling arseholes when they have tied together finances and multiple children.

You can dump this dickhead, easy done.

MistressDeeCee · 06/12/2018 02:09

Addicted to porn, and sex with other women.

He's a sleaze and it's no wonder you don't want a so-called 'open relationship' with him. How unattractive and unappealing.

If you truly want an open relationship where both parties are honest about that, then this isn't the man for you. Let him go feed his nasty sex addiction without your input.

Puggles123 · 06/12/2018 03:19

Please leave him, and not all men cheat; just like not all women cheat.

Sashkin · 06/12/2018 03:37

It's like he can't even be bothered to spend 10 minutes with me without trying to find somebody else

It’s not “like” that, it is that. You’re his emergency fallback shag if there are no other options available. But he doesn’t actually want to spend any time with you.

It is perfectly easy to walk out on him. Send him a text now.

AngryAttackKittens · 06/12/2018 04:00

That's not an open relationship, that's just him cheating and manipulating you into putting up with him. Since he was the one who wanted to have one foot out the door I'd shove him the rest of the way out and change the locks if it was me.

flumpybear · 06/12/2018 04:05

Is your self esteem low because of him? Also tell him you want to readdress the boundaries or you're not happy to continue this open relationship any longer

Pachyderm1 · 06/12/2018 06:40

Open relationships only work if both parties are happy with the arrangement and are respectful of the boundaries that have been set down. Neither of those things are happening here.

ClaryFray · 06/12/2018 06:44

Communication is key.

Discuss why your unhappy, have you told him your concerns?

You agreed to an open relationship that's fine, it works for many people. But it can also not work and you can negotiate new terms to the open or talk about it becoming monogamous.

Oakenbeach · 06/12/2018 06:46

What’s stopping you from leaving him?

Kids? Finances? Fear of his reaction? Or simply that you don’t want to be single.

Whatever it is, he’s treating you like a piece of dog shit on his shoe. LTB

Yutes · 06/12/2018 06:51

I have no interest in even talking to myself at the moment let alone meeting somebody new

So. You’re in a one sided open relationship where you don’t even like yourself.
Your partner has a porn addiction and doesn’t even give you any attention.

IMO LTB and work on your self esteem. Why are you keeping him around? He’s looking for his next shag and you feel like crap

KM99 · 06/12/2018 06:53

You aren't in an open relationship. An open relationship is built on strong communication and respect for each other. It's based on being totally transparent on if you want to involve someone else and being in agreement. It's based on putting each others needs first. Its based on clear rules and boundaries such as how you will take precautions. It's bases on stong foundations and love for each other.

He's doing none of those things. He's getting what he wants. You aren't. You deserve better.

Balaboosteh · 06/12/2018 07:31

It’s behaviour like this that gives open relationships a bad name.

newmun · 06/12/2018 07:33

How disgusting! End it now

Alicatz66 · 06/12/2018 07:39

I'm buggered if I'd want to cuddle up with him on the sofa ... he's making you unhappy ..

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 06/12/2018 07:54

So many dickheads use "open relationship" when really they just mean permission to walk all over you and break all sorts of boundaries.

Fuck. That.

You clearly aren't OK with this and he is clearly not giving a fuck about you.

Agreeing to an open relationship doesn't prepare you for them cheating. That's just dragging out a "relationship" with someone who has no respect for you. People in open relationships aren't cheating when they stick to agreed boundaries or discuss options if they wish to alter them. People in open relationships can cheat by breaking boundaries without discussion.

OP be single. If you live in his house look at a flat share or whatever. If there are other issues then the shagging around is probably the least of them. Stop having sex with him and get yourself sorted.

Oh and PP, can we not use mysoginistic language. The women he is having sex with are not "slags" Hmm

londonrach · 06/12/2018 08:04

Op...you seriously ok with her kissing and having sex with another woman. You ok with him telling another woman he loves them. If so you need to make sure he and you are checked for std s regularly. However i dont think you are judging by what you say. Leave this guy and find someone who wants to be just with you xx

Mix56 · 06/12/2018 08:42

You are correct. The intention was " Slag" in his eyes. Vessel for sex if you prefer

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