Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being annoyed - open relationship

150 replies

ImFreezinMyTitsOff · 05/12/2018 19:10

OK so I'm in an open relationship (basically one sided as I have no interest in even talking to myself at the moment let alone meeting somebody new). I'm fine with him doing this shit but don't lie and don't bring it into our relationship was my 2 terms. But when we're cuddling on the sofa or spending time together every really he sits on dating apps or looks at porn (as if flicking through mumsnet). I'm also aware he's been talking to another woman, and his phone is constantly pinging with messages. It bothers me as I feel under pressure in my own home. The other day he was like what are we doing on Thursday and I knew straight away he was planning to go and see her. I questioned him on why he wanted to know but he insisted there was no reason. Now today he's said there is a reason and he wants to go and see her tomorrow for 8 hours. I don't know how I feel about that. This whole things started making me feel sick.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 06/12/2018 08:45

You set boundaries , he’s not respecting them. Basically he’s broken the trust of the open relationship and he’s now cheating on you in the open. He’s a disrespectful prick, leave him

cees · 06/12/2018 09:20

Oh my have some self respect, open relationship my hole, your getting nothing from him you can't achieve with a vibrator.

PerfectPeony · 06/12/2018 09:23

OP you are worth more.

And no, most men don’t cheat. Actually I think it’s quite rare. There are far more good men out there than bad ones. You obviously aren’t happy but if you leave him maybe one day you will be.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 06/12/2018 09:30

This is not an open relationship. This is him cheating in you but with permission.

Resentment will continue to grow. He needs to stop or you need to leave

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 06/12/2018 09:36

Oh and not all men cheat. There are some very lovely, decent men out there who would not treat you like this.

Motoko · 06/12/2018 11:07

@ImFreezinMyTitsOff are you still here? Come and talk to us, tell us why it's not easy to leave. Many people here have left relationships when it's not been easy to, due to having children, joint mortgages, whatever, but they still left. It can be done, and you would feel much better about yourself when you don't have an arsehole like him dragging you down.

And please, don't tar all men with the same brush. There are many decent men out there, who wouldn't dream of cheating.

Hoosh · 06/12/2018 11:07

OP, I'm in an open relationship. DP and I got together (after a year of friendship) both knowing that this was what we both wanted. We talked (and still talk) about it a lot, and when new situations arise we check in with each other about how we feel.

There have been times when something that one of us has previously been okay with, has changed, and one of us has felt weird or unsure about something. At that point we talk to each other, work it out, adjust our boundaries if necessary, and move forward.

It's working so far because we respect each other and feel secure talking about our insecurities without fear of being dismissed or ridiculed.

A good open relationship can be brilliant, just like a good monogamous one. But only if it's what you want.

You are not in an open relationship. You're in an abusive relationship with a disrespectful selfish bastard who is walking all over you and getting annoyed because you're not happy about it. I've been there. Leaving is hard, but oh my gods, the relief when you finally break away is just amazing.

The two best things I ever did were to leave my ex (It was hard. I was pregnant and had another DC as well) and then remain single for several years afterwards. Now I have the strength to find and maintain relationships that work for me and the people I'm with. Your partner is only interested in what works for him.

I don't know you. I don't know anything about your background, how you live your life, or what you think you do or don't deserve from relationships. But I absolutely know that you deserve way way better than what you're currently getting.

Original poster
ImFreezinMyTitsOff · 06/12/2018 11:21

Still here. Its difficult to leave as we have a DC, joint finances, a tenancy, I don't work due to disability that developed after DC was born so other than PIP I have no stable income, I've nowhere to go other than here. I spoke to him last night. I told him I'm not comfortable with the arrangement anymore. At first he was annoyed but then calmed down and said its not a deal breaker. He was only doing it because the option was there. He doesn't want to lose me or DC. However he does still want to go see the OW later on. He said they weren't going to have sex anyway. Just go for a meal and watch a movie. He's prepared to be just friends with her. I've told him I'm not convinced and not overly happy but if he decides that is what he wants to do then I won't stand in his way.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 06/12/2018 11:41

OP so he essentially is going to carry on seeing this other woman?

Sommelierrrr · 06/12/2018 11:44

Omg

He sounds like a right charmer Confused

He can get to fuck, frankly

Sorry you're in this situation opFlowers

Sommelierrrr · 06/12/2018 11:45

Just for a meal and a movie!!! Change the fucking locks!!!!

Motoko · 06/12/2018 11:47

He'll just hide it.

In the meantime, I suggest you start squirrelling some money away. Do you do the shopping together, or on your own? If on your own, ask for cashback at the till, and put it aside. Save any £2 coins you get in change. Use cashback sites when buying things online. Start doing paid surveys, if they pay in Amazon vouchers, use those to buy the DC's presents, and keep the cash you would have used for them. MoneySavingExpert.com has good info on doing surveys.

Have a look at Entitled To, to see what benefits you'd get if you were to leave him.

Have a chat with Women's Aid.

Leaving isn't easy, but it is doable.

IdaDown · 06/12/2018 11:49

I’m not sure what’s worse.

He wants to have sex with other women.

He want’s to have the company of this woman (no sex my arse).

So what does he want from you hint - washing, ironing, mother duties.

Original poster
ImFreezinMyTitsOff · 06/12/2018 11:58

I don't know what he wants anymore. I don't know what I want either. I love him very much but I can't carry on like this.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 06/12/2018 12:02

You need to tell him you are not happy and that you are not comfortable with him meeting this woman tonight.

MonsterTequila · 06/12/2018 12:13

Op you deserve to be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Flowers
I know what if he likes to feel low & like you don’t deserve better, but believe me the minute you start planning your life away from him you’ll change & become so much happier. Visit the turn2us website about how much you’d be eligible for. Register for a council house & check how much he’ll have to pay in child support. You do have options OP.

Deadbudgie · 06/12/2018 12:21

Op, if it’s too difficult to leave at the moment make a two year plan to kick his sorry arse out of your life as pp said start getting savings, go see a lawyer to see how you can protect yourself and DC as much as possible - if you have an end date in sight and an exit plan knowing what your rights are you can see if he lives up to his word but at the same time you’ll be in a much better position if you’re still not happy

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/12/2018 14:00

"I love him very much but I can't carry on like this."
What do you love about him? Because I suspect what you actually love is an idea of him that doesn't mat the reality of him. An idea mixed in with small happy memories of the past and hopes for a future that never materialised Sad.

Try and put into words what it is that you love about him. You don't have to post them here, keep them in your head if you prefer. The reason I'm suggesting this is that it's a technique I often use myself to clarify my thoughts to myself. Once I stop the formless thoughts in my head from swirling vaguely around, once I actually verbalise the thought to myself, I find it easier to know what I want, what I want to do, and how to do it.
((hug))

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/12/2018 14:01

doesn't mat? Doesn't match!

Forzaitalia · 06/12/2018 14:01

I am amazed at the wonderful advice you are getting on here. It has restored my faith in human nature. So much support for you. If you are getting PIP then you are probably entitled to other benefits especially as you have a child. Maybe help with rent etc. Please ring Woman’s Aid for advice. This is such a miserable life you are living......huge hugs.

NotANotMan · 06/12/2018 14:03

That's not an open relationship, that's cheating with your knowledge.

LanceStatersGold · 06/12/2018 14:15

OP, it occurs to me that if it’s dinner and a movie or whatever else, your DP is in another relationship. That’s polygamy not an open relationship.

The other woman is invested in your DP - why on earth would she accept him ‘downgrading’ her to friend?

I can only see this working if he commits fully to you with no contact with any of the women he has seen. Do you honestly believe he can/will do that?

‘Do what you want’ is just continuing your current situation but with an added ‘no more boundaries’ element.

You deserve the relationship you want. Don’t settle because of what ifs and empty promises. If an OR doesn’t work for you, you deserve 100% of your partner. Maybe that is your current DP and maybe it isn’t but you are allowed to express your feelings and expectations!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/12/2018 14:27

Open relationships do not work in practice. If he's off shagging another women of course you're going to be jealous and sickened by it.
You wouldn't be human if you weren't.

MsGrohl · 06/12/2018 14:33

You deserve SO much better than this OP. No one deserves to have to tolerate that just because they feel trapped which from what you have said, you are... If he was a good man, it really really should have occurred to him that he was having his cake and eating it and that that wasn't fair on you. He turned a blind eye to the fact yiu were getting nothing from this 'agreement' and chose to just concentrate on the original green light he was given! Very immature! It's good you spoke up but he shouldn't even be considering meeting her if your happiness was as important to him as his is. You. Deserve. Better. Than. This. Good luck OP.. Time to put you first. He will understand that sentiment!!!!!

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2018 14:37

Open relationships do not work in practice

Couldn't agree more. I won't go into details on my opinion on this because that's not what the thread is about but it's clearly not working for you OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread