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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that girls are not taught about the realities of conceiving?

123 replies

Cocopops2010 · 05/12/2018 11:59

AIBU to think that young girls are not properly taught about the realities (and potential difficulties) in getting pregnant?
When I was at school (90s and 2000s) my sex education classes left me with the impression that one night of unprotected sex would almost certainly leave me pregnant. Oral sex could leave me pregnant. 'Heavy petting' could make me pregnant. Condoms can split or have holes in them so you need to also be on the pill. You can get pregnant any time of the month even when you are on your period. If you did have any trouble getting pregnant, then there is always IVF which 100% works.

Now, I realise that technically the above could be true in a very small number of cases. Then I hit my 30s and suddenly a number of my friends are having huge problems conceiving, IVF is not always available on the NHS and privately is hugely expensive.

So, do you think that really girls at school should be taught that actually there will only be 1-2 days a month that you can get pregnant, and that it might actually not be that easy?

Am fully prepared to be shot down in flames and called un-feminist etc...

OP posts:

3in4years · 05/12/2018 12:58

Oh my goodness no! I would have changed it. In fact, I have used condoms as birth control throughout my adult life. I stopped using them for 2 weeks when trying to get pregnant. Had a baby.
I now have 3 kids, all conceived 1st go.
I know I am lucky, but I also know a lot of people who have had unplanned pregnancies because they 'weren't trying but didn't use anything'. I don't get this this. If you don't want a baby, use protection. That is the message vulnerable teenagers should get.

WinterfellWench · 05/12/2018 12:58

Probably the cynic in me, but I don't believe women get pregnant accidentally very often. Sure there will be the odd time, but most 'accidental' pregnancies are definitely planned.

I have known at least half a dozen women who have had several 'pregnancy scares' and were sure they were pregnant a few times, before actually discovering they were pregnant 6 months to a year or so later. Funny that!

If you take the pill properly; this, combined with the fact that there are only 5 or 6 days in the month that you can actually conceive, makes it very hard to accidentally get pregnant...

So I don't buy it that all women who claim they have fallen pregnant, accidentally, do so at all.

Another thing is, if they weren't planning it, then why do they keep it? Funny how these women who accidentally get caught, almost ALWAYS keep the baby.

3in4years · 05/12/2018 12:58

changed should read 'chanced'.

Lizadork · 05/12/2018 12:59

I am not an expert but I do wonder if long term use of the pill can have effect on our fertility, if not ready to be a parent until in 30s then that's maybe 10+ on the pill. Diet and lifestyle play a part too, not to mention genetics and being older etc. I have heard that it can take your body 12+ months to go back to "normal" after coming off the pill.

MrsStrowman · 05/12/2018 12:59

The warnings were true for me despite fertility issues. I spent my twenties and early thirties being religiously careful with contraception having been taught it only takes one of those little guys and whilst the risk may be small at certain times etc, especially given I had quite severe PCOS, the consequences are not. I fell pregnant within weeks of coming off the pill despite all of my diagnosed issues, the first week we stopped using condoms with no medical intervention. Sex education for young people is about protecting themselves and their health, if you want to know about your own fertility as an adult there are plenty of resources there to access, it's not the message to give to teens. Also I know two people who have been unable to have children, I know so so many more who have and a fair few who fell much quicker than they expected. You will always get an over representation of those who have difficulties online add understandably they will be the ones looking for support or advice.

DollyWilde · 05/12/2018 13:01

I'm 29 and I do remember learning about FSH/LH etc when I was doing biology in secondary school, but maybe I was lucky and had a good teacher?

In the nicest way OP I do disagree - I think the information about 'leaving it too late' (i.e. post 35) is out there, it's just that everyone thinks it won't happen to them. And difficulty conceiving in your very early 30s doesn't suggest to me you'd have any more luck in your late 20s, to be honest.

abacucat · 05/12/2018 13:01

winter I am in my 50s and still having periods. There is no way I would plan to have a baby now. But if somehow I got pregnant, there is no way I could abort. I totally understand both points of view being true for the same person.

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2018 13:02

don't just assume that you're going to fall pregnant at 35

Does anyone assume this, though? Everyone I know is paranoid about timings of pregnancies and potential problems from late 20s onwards.

The thing is, you’re only open to the information you think you need. So as a teen you need to know how to avoid pregnancy (and I’d rather teens were scared into using contraception every time!) and when you reach the age you’re settling down and thinking about a family, you’re receptive to advice about conceiving.

You probably were taught all the mechanics of reproduction in Biology, but you’ve forgotten/weren’t receptive to the details then.

Though if your school taught you oral sex would get you pregnant, who knows?

newrubylane · 05/12/2018 13:02

Why are we relying on schools to teach this stuff? My mum has always talked to me about these things at appropriate times/ages in my life. I don't think I learnt anything I didn't already know in any of our sex ed classes at school!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/12/2018 13:03

Another thing is, if they weren't planning it, then why do they keep it? Funny how these women who accidentally get caught, almost ALWAYS keep the baby. wink

Isn't the obvious answer to this that women who fall pregnant accidentally and don't keep the baby don't tend to tell you? There were nearly 200,000 abortions in the UK last year so it's hardly a vanishingly rare thing.

DollyWilde · 05/12/2018 13:03

@WinterfellWench that's happened to a couple of my friends, but in both cases they weren't really up for pregnancy, had a scare, which made them realise they actually were quite up for it, and subsequently started trying. I actually had a thread on it myself a couple of months ago which has changed our timescales quite dramatically as I suddenly found myself (despite saying we weren't going to go for it for a couple of years yet) secretly rather hoping our 'scare' was the real deal..

abacucat · 05/12/2018 13:03

And a third of women in Britain have an abortion. That is an awful lot of unwanted pregnancies.

mrssunshinexxx · 05/12/2018 13:03

No because it isn't just one or 2 days a month that you could pregnant. Telling them that would be dangerous imo and would cause them to be more relaxed

abacucat · 05/12/2018 13:05

Why are we relying on schools to teach this stuff?
Good parents should teach their kids these things. Many kids do not have good parents.

DollyWilde · 05/12/2018 13:05

Here you go - current GCSE guidance for biology higher on hormones and ovulation: www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize/science/triple_edexcel/control_systems/menstrual_cycle_fertilisation/revision/2/

keely71 · 05/12/2018 13:05

lots of misunderstanding around pregnancy.
I agree it does get harder to conceive the older you get, but there are plenty of women who get accidentally pregnant in their 40’s, I’m sure I read there’s more terminations now in the 40+ age group than teenagers.

keely71 · 05/12/2018 13:06

It’s not just one or two days you can get pregnant, sperm can live for around a week.

Jeanclaudejackety · 05/12/2018 13:07

Well my sister had 3 kids whilst on the pill

My friend had to have an abortion after a condom split and she thought there'd be no chance of getting pregnant

I use the pill and a condom

PlatypusPie · 05/12/2018 13:07

You do have a point, OP, but its a tricky one but I would rather have teenagers focus on the consistent, simple message about how potentially easy it is for them to have an unplanned conception (and contract STDs).

At the time that we decided to start TTC, I was in my early 30s and had had several friends going through very difficult times with their fertility. It had convinced me that I would take ages to conceive so was shocked when it happened in the first month of trying - and the same thing happened with my following two planned conceptions. Made me wonder just how lucky I had been with the various taking chances and accidents in my younger days , when it would not have been good news at all.

My DD1is in her late 20s and has talked about discussions she has had with her friends about how they would like to have children younger than my generation and seem very aware of declining fertility possibilities.

Jeanclaudejackety · 05/12/2018 13:08

Also where I live 35 would be considered old to get pregnant for the first time no offence meant but no one just leaves it til then and expects to get pregnant, at 30 and no kids people would often assume there was a problem round here

SmileAndWavePal · 05/12/2018 13:10

It's not a secret that fertility declines with age but a surprising number of people seem to be affronted if it's mentioned.

90mammasophie · 05/12/2018 13:10

I'm not sure about teaching teenagers that it's not so easy is appropriate because at that age it is very easy. And they may be more likely to take risks, I know I did! I do think I women in general should be more aware of problems getting pregnant. It's important. I was 24 when I had my dd, it was a happy accident. 4 years on most of my 'mum mates' are in their late 30s& early 40s and wondering why they are not able to get pregnant a second time after months / years of ttc. It's because it gets harder with age. They may feel young, but their reproductive system isn't. There's an assumption I think, that there's time to have a baby later ...

BrendasUmbrella · 05/12/2018 13:11

Probably the cynic in me, but I don't believe women get pregnant accidentally very often. Sure there will be the odd time, but most 'accidental' pregnancies are definitely planned.

Yes it's the cynic in you, though that's not the word I'd choose. I got pregnant by accident. So did several people I know. Most of the time people are upset about an accidental pregnancy is because it's an inconvenient time or difficult circumstances. A lot of the time an accidental pregnancy happens in happy circumstances the mother/parents won't even call it accidental.

Another thing is, if they weren't planning it, then why do they keep it? Funny how these women who accidentally get caught, almost ALWAYS keep the baby.

Perhaps because the ones who abort their unplanned pregnancies don't tend to run around screaming it from the rooftops?

Eeeeek2 · 05/12/2018 13:11

The truth is that it is often much easier to fall pregnant as a teenager/early 20s than later. Also until you try to conceive you just don't know how easy it'll be for you. So the emphasis on how easy it can be to fall pregnant young when it would be more of a disaster/unwanted is the correct way to go. Also the risk of sexually transmitted disease is important to get across.

That being said having the conversation later on in sex education/further education about how conceiving works and honesty about pregnancy/birth/newborn stage would be sensible. It's really surprising how many people don't know how it works until there is problems. Or even the shock I saw in people's face at antenatal class was quite surprising to me because I'm a researcher/type a personality/planner that the info given out I'd read/researched already. I still wasn't ready for the realities of taking a newborn home though still not now I've just brought number 2 home this week

bakingdemon · 05/12/2018 13:11

There should also be more education about other risk factors than age - eg obesity. Among various MN/Facebook groups there often seems to be surprise when people's doctors tell them they would have a better chance if they lost weight, or anger that anyone should dare to comment on it, esp when approaching IVF.

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