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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the “sod the housework” advice is really unhelpful

184 replies

cadburyegg · 04/12/2018 14:18

Just that really. We have a 3 yr old at 9 month old, I’m on maternity leave yet the advice is now to sod the housework and make memories with the kids. I struggle to keep on top of it all but the bare minimum I need to do is a load of laundry per day, washing dishes, preparing food, clearing work spaces etc because we all need to eat and wear clean clothes.

I think this advice should be changed to helpful tips on how to do bits during the day while making sure the kids get the attention they need. AIBU?

OP posts:
KismetHardie · 04/12/2018 15:29

Every single well meaning bit of advice about looking after a baby can be flipped on it's head. People are just trying to say 'it's ok to not be perfect'. But yeah totally agree some stuff just does need doing, even with a partner who pulls their full weight.

3 person house here and we can easily do a wash load a day-clothes/towels/nappies/woollens/bedding-and it needs to be kept ticking over or it just gets worse!

RangeRider · 04/12/2018 15:33

Bear in mind that children don't remember much at all before 3 so making memories is pointless! Bleach those skirting boards now instead and then once they're old enough to remember you can go out knowing that at least your skirtings are shiny!!

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 04/12/2018 15:41

You shouldn't have to do all the housework just because you're on maternity leave. My DH still did his own washing and ironing - and still does.
Going out to work doesn't abdicate you from all household responsibilities.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 04/12/2018 15:45

There are some things you just can't 'sod' but depends on your definition. In my book, toilets, kitchens and bathrooms must be hygienically clean.You need to have things clean to cook with and you must have clothes to wear - specific ones if you have uniform etc.Beyond that, depends where you draw the line.i have friends who can't sleep until every last bit of housework's done and others who live in a shit hole. I am somewhere in between

RomanyRoots · 04/12/2018 15:50

I didn't do housework during the day when mine were pre school. My job was a sahm not skivvy, I educated and cared for our children and made wonderful memories.
Then they started school Sad.

I think people mean make the most of them whilst you have the time. If you go back to work you'll have very little time with them.

Nedzilla · 04/12/2018 15:52

I don't think anyone is saying 'forget all housework'

Just that there is a middle ground between keeping a highly polished house 24/7 with toddlers, or just generally keeping everywhere hygienic, washed and fed.

Between 2 adults most could lob a load in machine first thing before they go to work, empty dishwasher and then the person at home with kids empties machine when finished and loads the dishwasher during the day so stuff isnt all over kitchen sides. Food everyone has to do surely regardless. That leaves plenty of hours to 'make memories' ie go and do something else.

user1497787065 · 04/12/2018 15:53

I struggle to work out how much time caring for a small baby takes. Yes, of course a baby has off days but I always managed to get cleaning, cooking, shopping and ironing done. Seems like everyone spends more
Time working out whether they might have spent more time doing chores than their partner and that is so, so unfair!

MeadowHay · 04/12/2018 15:54

I really struggle with this too OP, also on mat leave, and I only have 1 baby, who is 5 months. I honestly look at people with more than 1 young child with a mixture of fear and admiration!! I genuinely don't know how you do it. One PP on here said that even on their most difficult days with the baby, they manage to empty the dishwasher and do a load of laundry each day etc....DD must be a more difficult baby then because on her worst days, I can't manage to do those things, unless I leave her to cry whilst I do them, which I categorically will not do because I don't think it's worth letting her scream herself into hysterics just so I can empty the dishwasher, when DH or I can do it when he gets home from work. DD is a clingy, cry-y baby that gets hysterical very quickly, hardly sleeps in the daytime, and won't let me out of her sight without crying. At 5 months she is much better than she was especially with having a few short naps a day, but I always prioritise getting myself washed, dressed, fed, and getting the guinea pigs fed in the naps, so it depends whether she naps enough for me to do any chores or not - sometimes she doesn't, or at least not anywhere that isn't on me.

PoutySprout · 04/12/2018 15:56

3 person house here and we can easily do a wash load a day-clothes/towels/nappies/woollens/bedding-and it needs to be kept ticking over or it just gets worse!

Wow. We do 1 darks and 1 light load per week, 1 towels and 1 bedding (all wear PJs so doesn’t need changing more than fortnightly).

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 04/12/2018 15:58

I reverse my housework...my husband works nights and I work days so my usual routine is to get DD to bed at 7pm DH leaves at 6,30 pm so DD bath every night whilst shes playing in bath I clean and tidy bathroom,I chuck the laundry down stairs cos our basket is in there and I get DD ready for bed.then i start! Lounge first ..surfaces wiped rubbish binned toys away and hoover up.Next laundry in machine,Then from lounge tidy hallway and mop floor, Then kitchen ,,wash up from dinner wipe sides etc mop floor hoover the rug,, If she is in bed and he is out I can do that in about 90 mins, Then as I am going to bed I carry up the stuff on the stairs and straighten my bedroom up get the clothes out and bags ready for tomorrow change the bed if needed and put the laundry away,,It means I spend all my evenings cleaning but I am whizzing through and not disturbing anyone,It works for me except on the days I am glued to mumsnet! Big jobs like window cleaning etc wait until the weekend but day to day its ok not so good if you like the TV soaps but I dont!

R3b3kah · 04/12/2018 15:59

I completely disagree those saying about dh/dp helping after work.
My partner is out at 7:30am and home 5:45pm when I go to work for 2 hours and he takes over with the kids (11 month old, 7 year old and 2 older kids)
I would never expect him to come home and do housework when I’ve been home all/most of the day.
Yes I’m shattered, but so is he from being at work all day.
Some days are fab and I get most stuff done, sometimes if youngest is extra clingy I’ll manage washing up, hoovering, a load of washing and general tidy up. I can’t feel relaxed unless it’s presentable.
When I get home from work I’ll feed youngest (still breastfed) while he washes up from dinner which he doesn’t mind doing as he know the baby will want me for the remainder of the evening. BUT he doesn’t have to, being at work all day and then keeping an 11 month old mummy’s boy happy for 3 hour is tough, he needs to unwind.

Storm4star · 04/12/2018 15:59

@user1497787065

I have to say I agree with you. As I said in my post, I had two 18 months apart so I had my hands full. But I always managed to do the things that were needed and sit down and have the evening to myself (other than feeding baby). There were also spells during the day when I could sit down and read a magazine or whatever. My full time job was infinitely harder than looking after small children (imo). A stressful commute, followed by more stress at work for 8 hours, then battling home. Being at home with the kids was so much nicer.

PoutySprout · 04/12/2018 16:08

When I get home from work I’ll feed youngest (still breastfed) while he washes up from dinner which he doesn’t mind doing as he know the baby will want me for the remainder of the evening. BUT he doesn’t have to, being at work all day and then keeping an 11 month old mummy’s boy happy for 3 hour is tough, he needs to unwind.

He has been knighted for this truly astounding input to the lives of the children he created, hasn’t he? Surely the least that can be done to honour his extreme selflessness and effort.

Conventicle · 04/12/2018 16:09

the idea that homes should be pristine and photograph-ready is just another concept dreamed up to waste women's time. Yes, everyone needs to do a bit of housework unless they can afford to hire someone else to do it - laundry, washing dishes, preparing food etc, but the rest of it doesn't matter. And, like I said, a lot of it's about wasting women's time and keeping them too busy to think, or they might wonder why they got designated as 'naturally' subordinate...

Exactly, Reanimated. I do not personally know any woman who has drunk this particular Kool-Aid, but the housework threads on Mn continually appal me with their combination of judgementalism, equation of cleanliness with morality, self-congratulation ('Oh, I never sit down until 10 o'clock, until the floors are mopped and the lunchboxes and uniforms are laid ready') and internalised anxiety.

And the continual comradely lolz about how men 'can't see dirt', when posters never seem to ask themselves what exactly is it about possessing a vagina means you 'can't relax in an untidy house', or why society does not judge men for the state of their kitchen floors. Hmm

'Visitor-ready' houses are the all-year-round equivalent of 'bikini bodies', but other than the basics which need doing, you are at liberty to disregard both set of bollocks messages.

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 16:14

I am not a parent but it seems to me that people's houses are a mess because their children have far too many toys. I met a happy little boy when I was in Africa whose only toy was a beautiful wire car he had made himself.

nokidshere · 04/12/2018 16:21

I agree with a pp that decluttering is the way to go. I'm not averse to a bit of dust or a less than sparkling skirtingboard if the house is tidy.

Aim to declutter one space each week (or daily if you are feeling energetic) it's amazing how much easier everything is when you have clear spaces in your home.

GallicosCats · 04/12/2018 16:27

Rebecca West once famously said that a dirty house was less of a tragedy than a life unlived. Then again, Rebecca West almost certainly had servants.

Fresta · 04/12/2018 16:27

Why would someone on maternity leave have to sod the housework? Surely it's possible to keep the the house reasonably clean and cook a meal, even with a baby.

R3b3kah · 04/12/2018 16:29

Poutysprout not quite sure what you were getting at?
My comment was simply saying after me being home all day and baby does nap, I can crack on with stuff. Sure some days are rough and I won’t get a lot done but my expectations of my partners input won’t change that, I’m happy for him to come home and play with kids for the evening rather than house duties (which he does at the weekends)

Andromeida59 · 04/12/2018 16:35

I think people need to do what they can and not get upset about what they're not able to do. The only things I really dislike are people who post "My home might be messy but my heart is full" Hmm.

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 16:35

Decluttering isn't the way to go. Not buying stuff in the first place, and restricting all the tat that people want to give as presents.

MeOldChina · 04/12/2018 16:44

Unless your baby has quite high needs, I think something is amiss if you can't manage to do a bit of laundry and housework each day.

It gave me a bit of structure to my day when i was on mat leave, and i used to quite enjoy handing DS over to DH when he came home so i could disappear into the kitchen for a bit.

MeadowHay · 04/12/2018 16:46

I deffo don't need to do a load of laundry every day tho. There's me, DH, and DD aged 5 months, we probably do about 3 loads a week? And then an extra load of the guinea pig's bedding about once a month too. But we use disposable nappies.

Fresta · 04/12/2018 16:53

How do people only do 3 loads of laundry a week?

There is only 3 of us our house but I do lots: on average about 10 loads.

2 loads of towels (at least)
2 loads of bedding
1 load of white shirts dd has a clean one very day and so does DH for work (thats 10 shirts!)
1 load of darks (at least)
1 load mixed light coloureds
DD swims 3 times a week- so 3 quick washes of swimming stuff and also PE kit

mbosnz · 04/12/2018 16:56

Each baby is a unique individual - just because one person has the sleeping model, doesn't mean everyone was so blessed! Also - there are so many different ways of parenting - what one parent puts into parenting in terms of time and attention may vary wildly from how another does it.

Other people can keep their house the way they want, and I'll keep my house the way I want. It says absolutely nothing about how empty or full my life is, how intelligent I am, how feminist I am, how good a parent I am, or how good a partner. All it says is this is how I am comfortable having my house, and this week, this is what I was okay to get done. . .