To think that the “sod the housework” advice is really unhelpful

[cadburyegg]

Just that really. We have a 3 yr old at 9 month old, I’m on maternity leave yet the advice is now to sod the housework and make memories with the kids. I struggle to keep on top of it all but the bare minimum I need to do is a load of laundry per day, washing dishes, preparing food, clearing work spaces etc because we all need to eat and wear clean clothes.

I think this advice should be changed to helpful tips on how to do bits during the day while making sure the kids get the attention they need. AIBU?

Bleachy toothbrush to clean skirting boards, now I know how it’s done!

Miscible - maybe:

1. Smaller washing machine than you
2. Clean their clothes/bedding/towels more often than you
3. Require more changes in outfits -eg a gym outfit than you
4. Have a dog

Etc etc

I needed to nap whilst my baby napped!

Galavanting all day long then expecting the person who’s been working all day to do all the work is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

That is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on MN, and that takes some doing.

No one said a working partner should do ‘everything’, but sorting a wash will hardly break them. I have a three year old and (near enough) one year old. The youngest would literally be attached to me all day if possible, and makes some housework seem impossible. I do ‘the lion’s share’, but my house will never be a show home. I do ‘the minimum’ in the week and a proper run around at the weekend. My partner who works says he gets the easy job and does a clothes wash or the dishes most days, along with taking out the bin/recycling when needed. Not because I’m busy ‘galavanting’, but because young children are a non-stop experience, where not even sleep is sacred.

If I ‘sod the housework’ even for one day the house descends in to a shit tip which I hate and find stressful so no it’s not helpful.

There’s no ‘gallavanting’ on maternity leave with twins. What a silly thing to say.

You sound like you are doing what you can OP. I remember those early years and although I still do lots of housework now, as we are out (kids at school) most of the day, it gets slightly easier when they are older. Apart from the endless washing which I don’t understand.

I've never been able to 'sod the housework'. I find it very hard to live happily in a house that is not clean and relatively tidy.

So my handy hints are that there are some things that have to be done every day - at least one load of washing and one set of sheets. All dishes have to be done, toilets cleaned. Each room is tidied in the morning.

Each week the following has to happen at least once: Deepclean the bathrooms, and the kitchen, vac, wash floors, and wetdusting. (Okay, vaccing tends to happen a bit more often than that - as does wiping basins!)

I iron so that happens every other day.

I mealplan and make a grocery list once a week, do the groceries once a week.

But at the same time - if I'm having an offday, or am sick, or the kids are sick - then I go with that feeling. And because I'm generally on top of it, I can let it go for a week or so, if need be, without going batshit crazy!

You could have a load of washing on whilst you nap.

The trouble is that once you're a mother people think they have to give you advice at every turn. Not just on here but newspapers, magazines, click bait, even cereal packets and stuff. It's just the easiest thing to write really isn't it?

So my advice to you is just think what you can live with in terms of both household tasks and kid entertainment and do that, and don't worry about what you 'ought' to have done according to whichever health visitor leaflet/ vaccuum cleaner advert / instagram post you happened to see last.

I’m on mat leave and I do manage most days to put laundry on and hang it up, load and unload dishwasher, run hoover round, put away dry washing and have a general tidy round (OH constantly leaves his socks on floor next to bed despite the laundry basket being less than 10 feet away!) but I don’t clean the floors or bathrooms - we have a cleaver who does that once a week.

That said, there is the odd day when baby refuses to sleep in cot and just wants to sleep on me - those are days I get very little done.

I think it largely depends on your baby/kids. OH pulls his weight because we are a partnership and despite working all day, realises trying to entertain/pacify a baby for 10-11 hours he’s gone is bloody hard. When I go back to work he will no doubt do even more.

I think that saying ‘sod the housework’ is actually shorthand for suggesting that a perfectly clean and tidy home isn’t the be-all and end-all, when you have small children, and it is possible to relax your standards a bit, in order to make time to spend with your children, and to look after yourself/rest when the baby is little.

It doesn’t mean never do any housework, even the basics, and just let the mess pile up around you.

YANBU but I'm not in the "being on maternity leave is work" camp. On maternity I could stay at home in my pyjamas all day if I wanted, it didn't feel like work to me. It's hard yes but you don't have to answer to anyone or do anything by a schedule.

I just did a small amount each day. Hoovering, dusting, washing. I work now and I find it much harder to summon up the energy when I get home to do housework whereas I found it easier when I was physically at home more.

@steppemum I don't tend to buy and wear white clothes and neither do most females in my family but the men do. As some of my brothers and BILs are vain and/or some do sport so are particular about how they're technical sports clothing is washed it is easier for the men to do their washing themselves. The bonus is they tend to be the ones who wash the household linens e.g. bedding, towels and as they are better at ironing, iron any that need doing as well.

Also some now have teen and adult children who do their own washing. The teens need to learn how to do household tasks themselves while the adult children have to have it emphasised they don't live in a hotel. The teens end up doing other people in the households washing and ironing, while with the adult children it depends on them.

Oh and my OH would do all the washing and ironing if I let him.

You see I still don't get it.
You talk as if the options are :
do all the washing for the whole family
or
dh does his own washing, teenager does their own washing etc

How many loads of washing are going on in these houses???

All school shirts here are white, so 3 x kids could be 3 x white load or, let's be sensible, 1 x white load.

I have teenagers, I tell them to go and get a load of washing and stick it on. They go to the laundry basket, sort out one load of coloured/dark/white, and put it in the wash.
Just don't get this weird idea that in order for men and teens to learn about washing each person in the house needs to do their own.

You say your dh would do all the washing if you let him - great - he does that job, and you do another, I am not advocating for women to do the washing (far from it) I just don't get this dividing washing in to person by person piles, what a waste of water and energy.

Galavanting all day long

You haven't ever had to stay at home looking after a baby and toddler have you?

OP - I am surprised you need to do a load of washing every day - it seems excessive. Can you cut that back a bit?

You say "we" so can the other adult, presumably your DC father, do some of it when they are not at work? What happens on their days off?

I agree with PP, there is middle ground between Kim & Aggie and living in a midden.

You need a routine and shortcuts. At this time of year, I find putting a wash on in the evening (after bathtime), then hanging it over an airer overnight means only a short time in the dryer the next day, and folds much better so less ironing,. A long handled dustpan and brush together with floor wipes means hoovering and mopping doesn't have to be done everyday. Wipe round bathroom while DC in bath etc.

Keeping a house clean especially with crawling DC is important but you don't have to spend hours each day (like I used to), just get it done with as many shortcuts as poss then take a few hours one day a week to do a deep clean.

I have to nag DH to stop finding jobs to do sometimes! He’s the dusting, hoovering, sweeping, constantly tidying sort. I’m the chuck a load of laundry on, make sure we have clean dishes, throw some bleach down the loo if I’m feeling really conscientious type. Funnily I’m much more focused on making sure things are clean, he is much more focused on making sure things are tidy so we balance each other out - although I am basically much more lazy. We pretty much have the understanding that as long as I keep the house fit to live in from a hygiene perspective (and my standards are not massively high), he is in charge of the organisational aspects and what I think of as ‘keeping up appearances’. The surfaces are always clean, we aren’t growing mould anywhere, the floors are clean and we don’t have enough stuff to make much mess really so I don’t think anyone would ever come in and think our house was a state.

On maternity I could stay at home in my pyjamas all day if I wanted, it didn't feel like work to me. It's hard yes but you don't have to answer to anyone or do anything by a schedule.

I found there was a lot to do. 3-4 hourly pumping 24/7, 3-4 hourly feeding 24/7, making sure I ate and washed occasionally, changing nappies, getting her to nap........ certainly felt like a never ending schedule whether I got dressed or not.

Who’s advice?

I am unable to live in a high level of disorder or mess. Someone I know wears the untidy badge loud and proud. She makes smug comments about boring housework and actively avoids it but she isn't comfortable having people in the house.
I have seen the state of her kitchen and reluctantly accept cakes and tarts that she has made. In herself she appears unkempt and grubby. She bites her fingernails quite badly and they don't seem quite hygenic to my mind. Someone is probably going to tell me I am wrong, but I don't think it is. ]
She is always late too which I think is a symptom of the general chaos she lives in.
All in all, I would rather spend some of my day keeping a basic level of order on things which brings me a sense of calm.
Everyone is different but I can't deal with that.

No: a bit of a mess won't kill you, and the idea that homes should be pristine and photograph-ready is just another concept dreamed up to waste women's time. Yes, everyone needs to do a bit of housework unless they can afford to hire someone else to do it - laundry, washing dishes, preparing food etc, but the rest of it doesn't matter. And, like I said, a lot of it's about wasting women's time and keeping them too busy to think, or they might wonder why they got designated as 'naturally' subordinate...

On maternity I could stay at home in my pyjamas all day if I wanted, it didn't feel like work to me. It's hard yes but you don't have to answer to anyone or do anything by a schedule.

You can't do that if you already have a three year old like OP.

Personally I always found it easier being at home with the children than working with the children. All the same stuff has to be done, plus 8+ hours of work and a commute. Even with a newborn and a toddler I could get stuff done at least some of the time.

My preference is for some semblance of order and cleanliness, but I would judge someone who was struggling to keep on top of it.

I had two 18 months apart and I tended to get the housework done when they were napping. This went onto the youngest being in either a door swing or baby walker and the other one playing while I got things done. I personally don't think a child of any age needs 24/7 sole attention to be honest. I spent plenty of time taking them out and doing activities with them but it doesn't hurt for them to amuse themselves for half an hour here and there.

It depends to what extent you clean/slum it.

I am a naturally messy/housework averse person but there are basic things that need to be kept on top of on a daily basis- the kitchen and the bathroom need to be hygienic, and the laundry needs daily attention. Everything else is less important, as long as there are no major hazards!

YANBU I hate this too. 'Sod the housework' er yeah. I tried that but with 5 people and no dishwasher, we'd soon run out of clean plates, not too mention clean clothes and there would be crap all over the floor. And before anyone says why isn't dp helping. He works long hours and when he got home in the summer was doing things like gardening and tidying up outside which all needs to be done. It can actually make you feel more stressed letting it all pile up. I just try and do little bits little and often. The house probably still looks a tip but at least we can function.

My advice is park the kids in front of ceebeebies and do the house work.