To be pissed off at gloating childless friend??

[lill72]

So caught up with a friend who has chosen to have no children but after I sort if told her a bit about my stress with my DC and lack of sleep Im getting etc, she proceeded to tell me how she has lots of time, is not stressed, is financially fine and has her health..Basically life is good. Oh and she goes on about her trip to here a d trip to thete and how good it was.

Whilst I don't begrudge anyone any of the above, I guess maybe a little sensitivity is required perhaps when I've just been telling her I've been having a shit time for a variety of reasons and that life is tough at the ment with two young kids?

I just feel she is a bit socially inept and a bit of self effacing behaviour would go a long way..I feel im.very sensitive to this type of stuff - ie I won't bang on.about a holiday when I know a friend can't afford to go on.one. I'll wait to be be asked about it and then give minimal detail. If another friend has too been on holiday we discuss it more.

This gloating especially about money gets me. Her partner earns a lot so she is costing away and just gloats.

Does she just have no.idea of how others may live or is she socially inept? I really don't know where to go from here...

So she did ask about your life? Right. Did you ask anything about hers?

I'm starting to think your friend was pissed off because unlike her you didn't ask her anything about how her life was going.

I think both of you are socially inept. Moaning about kids to childfree people - annoying.

I have cancer and I haven’t moaned as much as you.

Hmmm I ask people a lot of questions about them. Be clear I asked her lots of questions and I was far from moaning!! I was not going on about kids at all!!!!! Ahhhhh read the post!!!

I guess Tues point of this is my friend always shows off about everything Her partner does it too. It's exhausting.

This is really what this is

marylou sorry you have cancer but gees what an awful comparison to make. You know nothing of my full circumstances or what went on

I didn't bloody moan at this brunch! Couple of minutes tops of talking about my troubles then onto travel and plays and friends!!!!!

The title of your OP specifically mentions her being childless, which is irrelevant according to what you are saying now.

It sounds like she listened to your problems, asked about your health and afterwards let you know about her life. You could have told her about your fantastic holidays, but chose instead to consider her happiness as a personal attack against you.

Also, in a forum where most of users are grown up women with very different situations and issues, saying that nobody understands your menopausal problems is risible.

I’m the same as you OP, I don’t brag or talk about what I have , if anything I down play it for some weird reason but people who do really annoy me .. I also detest “stealth boasters “ and I know so many of those !

You sound miserable and jealous. Maybe she was just trying to cheer the conversation up a bit

I had to laugh at OP being described as “sensitive soul”. Not based on this thread.

OP, I can read just fine. As can many others. We can also disagree with you. Strongly. That doesn’t mean we don’t “get” you. We just don’t agree and are forming a completely different opinion of you based on what you’re writing than the one you think you are. Sorry.

Sorry Val but you do have it wrong. You are making so many assumptions based on both. People assume I didn't ask questions - I asked lots of questions! People assumed I was moaning - I was not!!!! Im.a genuine interested friend who cares but this friend is not. She doesn't have empathy and is very boastful- this is what I detest. Im.happy for her but I don't like people who boast.

That's it.

If im.such a bad friend she wouldn't be asking to have brunch with me once a month would she? She just doesn't have social awareness and it 8s this I don't like.

socially inept - anyone that knows me would laugh at this so have your opinions but you are incorrect as you are assuming things of me!!!!

childless is irrelevant- should have put I don't like my boastful friend

You should ask yourself the question why you made a point of labelling her as childless then.

If your issues were about the menopause, and your annoyance with her supposed boasting and lack of empathy, then why did the 'childless' tag jump to mind?

As I get older and more experienced, I think women can be completely oblivious to the problems of their peers.

From what I can see the OP is going through a particularly crappy menopause. The friend is gliding through it, not having her life dictated by hot flushes and other not-so-pleasantries and her life reflects that. It doesn't occur to her that the OP is feeling like shit because she's ok.

It's like women and childbirth - some labours go on for hours, require emergency surgery, cutting and stitches whilst some labours are easy-peasy, go according to the birth plan needing no medical intervention. The long labourers then think 'why the f**k wasn't my labour easy, what's wrong with me?' It doesn't occur to the short labourers that talking about how effortless it all was will affect the long labourers as it's not their experience.

Ditto for breastfeeding - some mothers/babies take to it like a duck to water, some mothers try their damdest and it just doesn't happen due to no fault of their own. They then don't feel great for being berated over not breastfeeding.

Our experiences are all different. It's not the fact that the OPs friend is childless, it's more that she's clueless to the health and hormonal difficulties the OP is having as the her menopause is going well. I think you have to walk in someone's shoes to really understand what they're going through.

Best of luck to you OP, I hope there is some light at the end of the menopausal tunnel. Then you can have a life NOT ruled by your body.

If your issues were about the menopause, and your annoyance with her supposed boasting and lack of empathy, then why did the 'childless' tag jump to mind?

Good question.

I'm wondering if you think that your friend is wrong to not have/want children. Maybe you believe that everyone should want them, and that if you don't want children there must be something missing in you or something wrong with you.

You mentioned feeling pity. I don't ever say anything by the way about pity for her. I might express it to my his husba d but would never to her

If you believe your friend when she said she didn't want children, you wouldn't feel pity. There's no need to pity someone who has got what they want, unless you think that they don't really know what's best for them.

It is reading your op that is making everyone think it’s about having/ not having children. Your title makes a point of calling her childless, then the first thing you say about her in your post is that she’s decided not to have children, before saying you told her about the stress with your dc. It’s hardly us all jumping to conclusions.

So, lill72 - this woman is not actually your friend because you don't like her, and you fancied telling everyone on mumsnet that she is socially inept and boastful to get your own back because she is not having a tough menopause. You also think you are a fantastic, empathetic friend, despite being an awful bitch behind her back, because you tolerate her once a month when she invites you for brunch and you ask her lots of questions. If you don't like her, then why are you pretending to be her friend? You really are not coming across as a kind, empathetic, interested friend on this forum, as you have not had a single nice or empathetic thing to say about anyone so far.

round - well you are right in that I'm probably not really her friend. I was originally friends with her partner and I've got to be honest it had always been a tricky relationship with her. So yes Im.a great friend but this is almost a sort of grow friendship I feel I have to keep up rather than want to due to all the reasons I've said above.

I am a very empathetic caring friend but expect the same back and this relationship does not give me this. She really doesn't care and really is quite a harsh person.

I know it won't make sense to you all but if you met her and I then it would. I m not going to defend myself anymore . im.going through a bloody crappy time for so many reasons and didn't come on.here to be hounded.

And all of you who think they understand menopause np you really bloody don't else you wouldn't have such harsh comments. I am.really not the person.you think so you can bigger off quite frankly and go and be miserable sofa on another forum...

Jocasta - yes I think so too!!!

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to listen to you whine!

I have older friends who never had children for various reasons and I certainly don't spend my time with them going on about how tired I am. Boo boo.

I like seeing child free friends all the more because they don't talk kids all the time like some of my friends who have children do.

Usually my DC are mentioned only in passing or when directly asked.

YANBU, you’re entitled to feel how you feel, but why you posted here to be told differently by people who don’t know you, her, or the dynamic of your friendship I don’t know.

I've not had children and to some people it's the end of the world. 'But why oh you would make a good mum' and the worse one 'why not?' Ive even heard oh it's selfish not to have them! Wtf?! I agree with a pp some people do nothing but moan about their children, hardly good advertisment for motherhood.

I've chosen so far not to that's why. I have my reasons. Btw I love children Ive always worked with them and I'm an auntie and godparent too so my life isn't without them and I'm very happy with that. I'm in a happy settle relationship and in a god place.

Some people will fill they have to point out all the things they do with there time because of the judging... and yes there is judging. Or it can actually be she is just telling you about her life and if you feel that she is gloating maybe you feel jealous she has time to do so? OP maybe all you do is talk about you and how hard your life is and she is fed up with it? People without children also have hard times too does she share that? Do you listen?

I'm lucky I have friends with and without children. I love hearing what they've been up with their children, but equally they still listen to my life stories. Life without children isn't empty just different.

This has got nothing to do with having children or not!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't whine or moan to her !!!!!! get over it people!!!!!

Baked beans I have no idea!!!!!!

I think all too often people feel uncomfortable when you tell them the truth.

I have friends who tell me about their struggles of being a mother, full-time employee, and general manager of a household. To me I appreciate their honesty because at least I know the disappointments as well as the joys of parenthood. And potentially what life could be like if I have a child.
On the other hand as a woman in her late thirties with no children, no pets, who only works part-time and has a cleaner for 6 hours a week, I can only say that my days at home are filled with watching tv, cooking (I adore cooking) and shopping for clothes and decorations. I have little stress, and little external pressure. That for some is too difficult to swallow, because realty is that having children does mean sacrificing your personal life, your freedom and your mental health. I know many mothers who went through depression at some point (once their children were born). So I think those of us who sadly cannot have biological children (without IVF) or those who choose to not have kids full stop, should make other people well aware of the benefits of not having kids. I also appreciate how rewarding it is to have kids, but lets be honest for women and some men its not a walk in the park.

Op in regards to your friendship. A good friend will listen but for how long? In your posts you sound like everything is woe is me. Your friend will also be having symptoms or already had the menopause does she share those, do you ask? If it's so bad for you maybe you need a doctor and some kind of talking therapy to help you deal with it. A listening ear from a friend is great but they can't solve your problems just by listening.

The reason why you've probably got a lot of negative responses is the way you have come across in your posts. In the first post you were quick to point out she has no children and a busy life while yours is hard. It doesn't make her a bad friend for sharing her life too, most friends would be happy that their friend is having a happy life I know I would. She asks questions about your life and some of your issues so she is interested. But there is a point when it's all negative that she may zone out and lose interest. Obviously we aren't there so we aren't privy to the full get together. It's only the facts you share. I wish you well and hopefully things improve for you.

Funny you say you are a caring empathetic friend OP because you really aren't coming over that way at all. If you were empathetic, you'd perhaps have realised that about 80% of replies on here aren't siding with you. You're only liking those that agree with you, and they are in the minority. If you were empathetic, you would at least accept the possibility that the majority are right on this or at least have a point in how you are coming across or how there could be another way of looking at this situation.

The fact that in the past you've had other threads being critical of supposed friends also makes me think that there may be some reason why this is a recurring theme? May just be a co-incidence, may be that you actually upset friends to the point they get fed up and give you a taste of your own medicine which you don't like, or somehow you attract arsey friends (which I would also question why) or it's simply that as time has passed life changes have meant you no longer have much in common.