Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To be pissed off at gloating childless friend??

152 replies

lill72 · 03/12/2018 20:29

So caught up with a friend who has chosen to have no children but after I sort if told her a bit about my stress with my DC and lack of sleep Im getting etc, she proceeded to tell me how she has lots of time, is not stressed, is financially fine and has her health..Basically life is good. Oh and she goes on about her trip to here a d trip to thete and how good it was.

Whilst I don't begrudge anyone any of the above, I guess maybe a little sensitivity is required perhaps when I've just been telling her I've been having a shit time for a variety of reasons and that life is tough at the ment with two young kids?

I just feel she is a bit socially inept and a bit of self effacing behaviour would go a long way..I feel im.very sensitive to this type of stuff - ie I won't bang on.about a holiday when I know a friend can't afford to go on.one. I'll wait to be be asked about it and then give minimal detail. If another friend has too been on holiday we discuss it more.

This gloating especially about money gets me. Her partner earns a lot so she is costing away and just gloats.

Does she just have no.idea of how others may live or is she socially inept? I really don't know where to go from here...

OP posts:

2018Already · 03/12/2018 22:17

Yeah you’re getting a harsh set of responses. Regardless of the topic, you should be able to get a bit of a sympathetic hearing from a friend. You should be able to empathise with each other’s situation even if one of you had kids and one doesn’t. Hard to know why she reacted like that this time.

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:22

roundabout - that is the point with with menopause. it is a bloody rollercoaster. One minute you are up and one minute you are down and you can't control it. So tust morning I was ok ish. But I was tired a.d dressed - I wasn't meaning to be.

She us not empathetic in.the slightest really she is very tough. Wondering if I should continue hanging out with her.

No one seems to.understand peri menopause which is bloody depressing in itself as no one then has clue what im.going through. It can.be living hell. Last weekend when she was away on.holiday I spent the weeks d mostly in tears and highly anxious. Of course nothing to do with her but guess this is what maybe makes me so sensitive about it all.

OP posts:

BlimeyCalmDown · 03/12/2018 22:22

I agree with @Prisonbreak , also if may be that she is fed up of ongoing negative conversation and just feels the need to inject some of her positivity....

hellozzz · 03/12/2018 22:23

You are being unreasonable. It is not her fault you are having a tough time. You are in a different place than she is. Her life is her life and your life is yours.

So has she got not say anything because it might upset you.
You wouldn’t swap your kids for anything maybe you need to have a bit of empathy.

WaterBird · 03/12/2018 22:25

Based on the tone of this post, she sounds very selfish and gloaty.
And I'm childless.

Iloveautumnleaves · 03/12/2018 22:26

What are you guys doing on a parenting forum?

Probably the same as you, discussing life and the universe on one of the best ‘general’ forums there is. Very little of it is about parenting. This particular thread is ABOUT a childfree woman, it makes comments from childfree women particularly pertinent.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/12/2018 22:27

@SilverySurfer

”Time for you to gloat when your DC are caring for you in old age and she has no-one maybe?”

This is EXACTLY the sort of rude, thoughtless and downright fucking nobbish comment I was referring to in my earlier post above.

Ohyesiam · 03/12/2018 22:28

I dunno she means no.harm bit is so clueless she ends up causing damage to me.
She doesn’t cause you damage though does she, it’s your responses that cause you damage.

user1495390685 · 03/12/2018 22:28

OP, you are old enough to know better that to hang out with people who bring you down. You are already there with:

We are having fewer things in.common and I have less time to be tolerant of such people.

So surround yourself with people important to you who care about you to have a normal two-way conversation. Assuming you don't owe anything to this woman!

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:30

and I told her about my menopausal symptoms because she asked!!

I told het about my tiredness because she asked!!

I told her about my stress as she asked me if my husband and I were ok!!!

These were all questions from.her.

I talk.about lots of stuff from.plays to travel to career to ....
But gees can't I talk.about how im.feelumg for a minute and have a sympathetic ear.

I have never expressed pity to her for not having children - never ever..Her partner was abused as a child and had awful patents and she was in.fister care a bit growing up so I think children a d doing the same thing to them.terrifies them. So I have never expressed pity or career woman stuff to her ever.

Why are there lots of elm.eithout children on mumnsey out of interest???.

OP posts:

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:30

women

OP posts:

Ragwort · 03/12/2018 22:31

Maybe you are being totally negative and tedious about your menopause, I have been through the menopause, I find being a mother tough but I don’t bore my friends with my moaning. I know it sounds harsh but some people can be very draining when they go on about their problems.

redcarbluecar · 03/12/2018 22:31

OP you sound like you’re having a really tough time. Your friend wasn’t very sensitive, but perhaps she wasn’t meaning to gloat about her life either - just didn’t gauge your mood and feelings very well. I think only you can decide, maybe after a bit of time and reflection, whether the friendship is worth pursuing. I hope it is, but also that you have other supportive people in your life.

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:32

oh yes exactly how ate my response causing me damage?

User - you are spot on. I have tried to lesson contact and this makes me want to lessen contact even further

OP posts:

LostInShoebiz · 03/12/2018 22:33

You say you’re feeling very depressed. Remember that depression can make you perceive things differently. I know when I’m having a depressive episode I can take offence at the slightest thing because it feels like a personal attack.

Could it be she was genuinely just saying things were all good with her and nothing was meant by it but you’re reading more into it?

To be honest, it sounds a bit odd that you say she said so much was wonderful, this and that was great in one single sentence. Was she maybe just breezing over things to move the conversation on? Which would actually be quite a sensitive thing to do.

Streambeam · 03/12/2018 22:34

Well, it wasn’t a kind thing to do. But speaking also as somebody who is wihout children by choice it is pretty galling that a) children are all that some friends want to talk about b) people complain about having children while simultaneously insisting that they are the best hing that ever happened to them and MOST of all c) people presuming that childless women are unhappy to be so.

I’m not saying that a, b or c are you OP, but childless women are CONSTANTLY asked to validate mothers, and balancing that with defending their choices is bloomin exhausting to be quite honest!

If your children had done something wonderful I’m sure you would share that with your friend regardless of whether she’d had a shit holiday. Well, she’s sharing her wonderful holiday regardless of whether your children are giving you a tough time.

redcarbluecar · 03/12/2018 22:34

There are women without children on Mumsnet because not every thread is about parenting. This one, for example, is about friendship.

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:35

Ragwort im.deg not a draining frind. I know that as I have many lovely grow d's who want to catch up all the time - don't think they'd do this if I was draining hey?.I am.very good at listening and asking questions . just sometimes like a sympathetic ear. I'm here for grow d's going through tough times too.

OP posts:

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:36

redcar - thank you for your thoughts. That is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 03/12/2018 22:38

lill72 - given your friend's background, maybe she isn't good at dealing with mood swings, instability and strong emotions, so shuts herself off from that a bit. I'm sure it is tough going through the peri menopause and having that frightening roller coaster of changing emotions, but it sounds like you need to find someone else to share that with - it doesn't mean your friend is no good as a friend, she's just not going to be the right person to talk to about alarming perimenopausal symptoms.

SushiMonster · 03/12/2018 22:39

She probably was trying to tell you she wasn’t interested in hearing you loan about the life you chose.

Do sleepless night moaning with other mummy friends.

Valasca · 03/12/2018 22:41

“she is the one person I know going through it too.

No one seems to have acknowledged how bloody hard it can be f
going through this - does anyone else understand it???

So at this brunch, at this time, maybe it wasn't the best time to bring up how financially great she is, how great her health is, how she has so much time and goes on amazing holidays all the time. All in.the same sentence. It's just too much really?

Gees I wouldn't boast that much even if I was in.het position - would you? ”

She’s going through the very same thing you are but she’s feeling great and happy. So she’s not experiencing the same thing you are AT ALL. And she told you that.

She asked how things were in your marriage because she was guessing your source of misery and depression. She’s not experiencing it.

Trills · 03/12/2018 22:41

This one, for example, is about friendship.

Good point well made

ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2018 22:42

But she asked you questions about your life and what was going on with you, she didn't just talk about herself all the time. And you are still whining.
If you are having this much of a bad time with your menopause, see your GP and get some HRT. Or look for a mutual-support menopause group or something. You're not the only person to go through the menopause and, while some people have a tougher time than others, it's not a free pass to whine non-stop.

Original poster

lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:42

lost in - yes well my low moods can make me v sensitive..A friend said something to me and I was I tears for the rest if tyat day and the following. This happens when im.feeling low with peri. So is say you are right on.this.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7