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Original poster

To be pissed off at gloating childless friend??

152 replies

lill72 · 03/12/2018 20:29

So caught up with a friend who has chosen to have no children but after I sort if told her a bit about my stress with my DC and lack of sleep Im getting etc, she proceeded to tell me how she has lots of time, is not stressed, is financially fine and has her health..Basically life is good. Oh and she goes on about her trip to here a d trip to thete and how good it was.

Whilst I don't begrudge anyone any of the above, I guess maybe a little sensitivity is required perhaps when I've just been telling her I've been having a shit time for a variety of reasons and that life is tough at the ment with two young kids?

I just feel she is a bit socially inept and a bit of self effacing behaviour would go a long way..I feel im.very sensitive to this type of stuff - ie I won't bang on.about a holiday when I know a friend can't afford to go on.one. I'll wait to be be asked about it and then give minimal detail. If another friend has too been on holiday we discuss it more.

This gloating especially about money gets me. Her partner earns a lot so she is costing away and just gloats.

Does she just have no.idea of how others may live or is she socially inept? I really don't know where to go from here...

OP posts:
JustHereForThePooStories · 03/12/2018 22:44

OP, you sound utterly exhausting.

Given your friend is 55, do you not think it’s possible that she’s fully aware of the difficulties of peri-menopause/menopause and just wanted to talk about something else?

Original poster
lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:45

Valasca - I was referring to the menopause specifically as she is the obly.frir d going through it and we have had similar symptoms though mine more severe..The depression /low mood is to do with serotonin crashing with estrigen.dropping not to do with my husband!!! Maybevread the post before commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:47

Just - how am.I utterly exhausting? We did talk.about lots of other things. like a play at the Royal Court, film, past holidays together, where we grew up.

Am.i no.allowed to be having a tough time in amongst it all that I can't bloody control.?

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:49

Great - it is called empathy and knowingbwjen to.shit up. I catch up with lots of friends having great lives tyat don't boast about it!!

OP posts:
Girlfrommars77 · 03/12/2018 22:52

OP you are allowed to have a tough time and hopefully she listened to that. If you ask her how she’s doing and life is going well for her, what should she do - lie? Maybe she wanted to talk about her life too. I’m sorry things aren’t going well for you at the moment but I would never expect friends not to express happiness around me

DontCallMeCharlotte · 03/12/2018 23:04

With me the boot is on the other foot. I'm childless not by choice and I'm in my 50s. I share an office with one woman a bit younger who has teenage children and who is spectularly insensitive about the subject sometimes. Fortunately I'm pretty resilient.

She's been having a shit time lately and I've been having a good few weeks - just booked a third holiday for next year among some other good stuff. It's really really hard to not blurt it all out because I'm so excited and I don't think I should have to keep quiet but there's no way it would be seen as anything other than gloating. She must think I'm so fucking dull because I
don't have anything to moan about so I let her whinge, nod and smile and keep quiet. Is that what you'd prefer OP?

lostpigeon · 03/12/2018 23:06

no kids here, and 5 holidays a year, that's what it's all about!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2018 23:12

You want to lessen contact yet you say that she thinks you're 'awesome'? I agree with Zen. It sounds as if you don't like her much. Your comments on this thread about her aren't very nice.

I think reducing contact would benefit her as much as it would benefit you, to be honest. I expect she'd be upset to read what you've posted about her here.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/12/2018 23:26

I don’t think your friend could win in this situation. She asked you all about how you were and you told her.She also talked about how she was doing. Did you expect her to lie? I know when I’m talking with friends and they are doing well and going on lovely holidays or whatever, I love to hear about it because I love them and want them to be happy. The last thing I want to talk about on a night out is kids and misery and perimenopausal hell ( which I am also going through). Maybe she thought talking about fun stuff would cheer you up? Either way I doubt she meant any harm by it. She just has a different life to you, why should she pretend otherwise?

UnknownStuntman · 03/12/2018 23:30

OP, you can give your children up for adoption, you know. That way they can be loved by people who want them and aren't envious of childfree people's lives.

You can then have the life you want and everyone is happy.

GabsAlot · 03/12/2018 23:41

im here because mumsnet isnt literal theres all sortf of subjects on here

also childless but i dont go on about my freetime and holiidays(what holidays)

RavenLG · 04/12/2018 00:07

Am.i no.allowed to be having a tough time

Yes you are. And you’re allowed to tell her that. Just as she is allowed to be having a good time and allowed to tell you.

Just because you’re feeling shit at the moment, her good fortunately doesn’t impact you, and you should be happy that a friend is happy!

She asked you how you were, she “told” you about how she was (interesting you use the world told as it doesn’t actually seems like you asked her how she was) and you talked about other stuff? It’s not like she spent the whole day bragging about her holidays and health now is it? You’ve identified the menopause issues are making you more sensitive but you’re being massively combative with anyone who suggests you’re in the wrong on this issue, why is that?

Why should she not be honest with you? I’m sorry OP but you’re being pathetic, do you want people to mollycoddle you and be miserable with you? Wallowing in self pity will get you know where.

Go to the Dr, and get help if you’re having that hard of a time and if your friend is that insufferable in your eyes then stay away from her. She probably deserves a more supporting friendship anyway!

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 00:09

Sadly in the UK there's a huge gulf between people with and without children. I have lost so many friends when they had kids as we had nothing in common any more. The kidded-up are like 'you can never know how hard it is, and the LOVE, so much LOVE, I had no idea'. And the childfree can barely mention anything they have been up to without sounding like they are boasting about their lazy, self indulgent life, when actually they probably work really hard and have their own worries.

I spend a lot of time in Spain where children are always taken along to adult events and learn to be patient or play nicely together while the adults chat for hours. The upside of which is that there isn't a gulf between the childed and childfree, family life doesn't revolve around finding 'activities' for kids to do that the childfree wouldn't want to come to, kids are happy, adults are happy.

Branleuse · 04/12/2018 00:16

She has no tact or empathy. I didnt know we werent supposed to mention children when talking to people that didn't have them?

Klobuchar · 04/12/2018 00:19

@rattinghat completely agree with that, in the UK everything (apart from hardcore boozing) seems to be based around kids and family activities. In the US, there’s lots of stuff for kids to do but it doesn’t dominate like it does in the UK, and like you said, kids are often welcome to places and events but things aren’t just for families, plus there’s tons of stuff that’s pretty much exclusively aimed at adults.

Not sure I have expressed myself very well there but it was one of the main things I noticed when we first moved over here

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 04/12/2018 00:28

No she is 55 and never wanted kids

That doesn't mean that she hasn't endured decades of rude, intrusive questions snd assumptions about her body, her life, her personality, or her relationships from friends and strangers alike. so, while not having children may well have been 100% her own choice (or it may not), that doesn't mean that discussion of child-related issues are resolutely emotionally neutral for her.

You keep implying that she isn't seeing your life through your eyes and that this is a social falling of hers. I think you're actually doing much the same to her.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 04/12/2018 00:30

I didnt know we werent supposed to mention children when talking to people that didn't have them?

Don't be silly.

IlikebigbotsandIcannotlie · 04/12/2018 00:31

Also vile child free and amused that you’d think someone without kids would want to listen to your drama that you made when you chose to have them!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 04/12/2018 00:42

People with children can tend to focus on them for conversation topics.

People without children focus on what they've been up to.

springydaff · 04/12/2018 00:43

What was that thing I saw the other day - something like don't have friends who drill holes in your boat. Or something lol.

She's not one to confide in, sadly. I know a woman who I thought was a budding friend who seems to take great delight in making jokes about me being 'old'. She is a generally sweet woman who has a bad case of foot in mouth quite regularly. She can still fuck off though. I just don't want that shit in my life.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 04/12/2018 00:48

For every Plus there is a Minus.

Having children can be great fun at times. I can remember taking child on holidays to play on beaches, water parks and theme parks before he was 10. Recently took him to activity centre in UK for; Rock Climbing, Kayaking, etc.

All good fun.

The downsides. Lack of sleep when they are first born. Thinking you have lost them in a supermarket or a shop when on holiday. And if you have a daughter worrying they will get pregnant.

Birdie6 · 04/12/2018 01:37

There is no rule which says that you have to stay friends with people, especially when your lives have diverged as much as yours has from hers. You need some friends who are in the same life stage as you - not someone who is living the high life and rolling in money . Stop catching up with her since it makes you miserable - find some other friends who share common ground.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 04/12/2018 01:59

To OP

On the assumption that your children appeared by choice as opposed to surprise then you need to accept the downsides and look forward the upsides.

1forAll74 · 04/12/2018 02:45

Just accept that your friend has a different life style to you. and try and be less sensitive, when you think she is going on about things too much.
It's just the way it is sometimes,between a woman who has no children,and a woman who does have children. Your friend is probably not gloating about her life style, but is used to just talking this way about her life to everyone.

jade9390 · 04/12/2018 02:46

Is that gloating or just her telling you about her life and what she has been up to? You choose to have children which is a responsibility. Not everyone with children are stressed or poor, many are joyous and see children as a blessing even though they cost a lot. Why should she be self effacing just to suit you? There will always be people better and worse of then you, even if you do not want to hear it. Your life is as good has hers but in a different way, maybe you just feel downtrodden and not happy with it. Unless she did not listen to your problems and brushed them off, she has done nothing wrong. You sound resentful. I wish I had more friends who were in good health and doing well, sometimes it can be gloomy to hear all of their medical problems and I love it when they get some good luck. Do we ever know anyone's story, I know people who could not have children, so they become non maternal as a way of coping which is probably better than the endless ivf cycles and miscarriages some friends endured. I also know someone who become homeless and worked out that it was cheaper to travel and cheaper to stay in hotels in places like Bulgaria, where the cost of living is a lot less, other friends were weirdly resentful of their travel.